Maisy C.

Obito? Starts world war 4 over this girl who kicked his ass so far into the friendzone she broke NCAA field goal record

Itachi? Goes full "Lizzie Borden at family dinner" on his clan because some Deathstroke the Terminator looking fuck insinuated he was gonna maybe possibly definitely gonna fuck with Sasuke

Shisui? Rips out his own eyeball and flings it at Itachi like the world's worst birthday present, before dramatically flinging himself off a cliff like the heroine in a Victorian novel

Sasuke? This motherfucking egg noodle feels One™ (1) human emotion of Affection ™ for Naruto and instead of handling that in any way maturely, abandons his village, sticks his arm through Naruto's chest like a sock puppet, starts wearing open collared shirts and becomes an INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST

And let's not forget the original Simp™, the OG who started it all, the Uchiha Simp King:

Madara. This dude who kept himself alive for years on a diet of nothing but Spite™ so that he might one day face Hashirama again. Dude who sat down in the middle of a WAR to wait for Hashirama. Claims to hate Hashirama the most, but also no one is his equal and any person who even implies that they might be equal to Hashirama is lying and is shit and Madara needs to Defend His Honor because no one is allowed to speak of Hashirama like that. Dude has no goals, no ambitions, all thoughts only Hashirama Senju™ Notice Me Sempai.

i could be 1000000 years old, but watching kim doki lose his mind when ahn goeun gets hurt will never not hit like crack

“NOW YOU OWE ME.”

LIKE???

WHAT KIND OF MAFIA BOSS PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE IS THAT???

Paul was LITERALLY lying there like a broken Victorian woman on the fainting couch, and Seth’s just hovering over him with that “burn it down” energy like:

“I gave you trauma. Now give me loyalty.”

THE GASLIGHTING. THE NARCISSISM. THE THEATRICALITY.

This wasn’t a wrestling segment, it was a villain monologue in Act III of a tragic opera.

And now Paul?? That poor, trembling man?? He owes BOTH CM Punk and Seth Rollins something… and Roman’s gonna want blood too????

HE’S IN A TRIPLE THREAT OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.

I swear this man needs a lawyer, a therapist, and a hug.

Ya'll ready for Mania? Because this match is gonna be violence + betrayal + sobbing.

ALSO DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON RHEA RIPLEY!

“REPRESENTING JUDGMENT DAY, RHEA RIPLEY”

WHEN THIS WOMAN LEFT THE GOTHIC BOY BAND A WHOLE YEAR AGO?!?!?!?

WWE really said:

“Facts? Timeline? Continuity? We don’t know her.”

LIKE BABE.

This woman:

Was betrayed by Dom, left Judgment Day in full black eyeliner and emotional DEVASTATION, rebuilt herself in solo Mami mode AND IS NOW A WHOLE DAMN FORCE OF NATURE ON HER OWN...

AND THEY’RE STILL ANNOUNCING HER LIKE SHE’S IN A GROUP CHAT WITH FINN AND DOM???

The disrespect.

The AUDACITY.

Rhea heard that intro and probably whispered backstage:

“Who the fuck wrote that??”

LIKE… YOU JUST ANNOUNCED HER TO THE WORLD AS PART OF A FREAKING FACTION SHE LEFT IN FLAMES

and then casually go

“teehee whoopsie daisy, silly lil lore mistake xD”

BABE. YOU’RE WWE.

YOU CONTROL THE SCRIPT.

WHO. PRESSED. SEND. ON THAT PROMPT???

Meanwhile Rhea is probably backstage filing her nails with a dagger and muttering,

“You’ll get it right when I take the title back.”

This is now canon:

Rhea is SO powerful that the announce team just defaulted to putting her in Judgment Day because they can’t process her existing as a solo force.

Even when she leaves, she’s still the whole brand.

Bianca was giving “I’m not scared of you but also VERY scared of you so let me talk fast and loud” energy and it was ICONIC.

She really hit Rhea with:

“You’re not the champion anymore, sweetheart, so sit down, shut up, and sign the contract before I braid you into the mat.”

AND RHEA???

She was about to respond, voice low, rage bubbling, probably about to say something that would’ve made the ring catch on fire... and Bianca just went full-on

“NOPE. Don’t even open your mouth. You’re here to sign, not speak.”

THE AUDACITY. THE DELUSION. THE SASS.

And Rhea?? That little tight smile of pure violence??

You know she filed that moment away for “Future Spine Removal Plans” at Mania.

We’re gonna get to that match and Rhea’s gonna whisper:

“Say shut up now, bitch.”

before hitting a Riptide through the announce table.

Honestly? I love it. The energy. The tension. The “bitch, I dare you” dynamic.

Also

THE ZIP TIES HAVE BEEN DEFEATED.

Jey Uso is loose, free, and out here cutting emotional promos like he didn’t just spend a full week tied up like it was Saw: WWE Edition.

WWE really said:

“We’re not gonna explain how he got out. Just… trust that he’s fine now.”

And Jey pulled up like:

“Yeah, anyway, I’m gonna beat Gunther now. For Jimmy. No further questions.”

Like SIR. I HAVE QUESTIONS.

Who freed you?? Are your wrists okay? Do you have zip tie trauma flashbacks?? Did anyone at least bring you a snack???

But nah, he just walks out like the traumatized king he is, doesn’t mention it, and fully channels that experience into fighting for his brother.

He’s officially in his “I survived zip ties and now I want a title” era.

And honestly? I’m proud.

We need to update the conspiracy board(Yes i have conspiracy board, ya'll not ready for that one lmao) :

ZIP TIE STATUS: DESTROYED.

EMOTIONAL DAMAGE: ACTIVE.