Keep calm and go to the beach

My dreams are bigger than it may seem. It may seem that i am an useless piece of trash, sometimes i even believe that, but at this moment, at this very moment i know that i will try to change, to finally do what i love, try to learn, because pain is only worth it, if your hearth knows that this is the right path for you. If your hearth is screaming no but you still try to achieve things that doesn’t interest you, just because you are preassured to fit in the ‘normal’ society, sit 8 hours in the office, i am scared of that. I can even do jobs that aren’t paid well, i need only some little money to start learning something i am dreaming about a long time for now, i know that this is the time i need to step on my both feet and think with my own mind. That is a freedom. Doing what you love no matter what anybody thinks. If you like drinking wine, why not, if you smoke, that is something that describes you. It is about you, not somebody’s expectations. If i drank too much, well, life goes on, that doesn’t mean you are an alchoholic. If you can’t concentrate on education and your thoughts are wandering around thinking about songs, poetry, literature, movies, photographs, well, that is you. That is why you are special and interesting. I am learning to accept everyone. But i guess society isn’t. I am damaged a lot. And I am damaging myself, but also filling myself with a lot of emotions, love and physical attraction. It is okay to love your body and your loved ones body. Every inch of it. That is an important part of love, that keeps you alive. I am living for those moments. Sadly,i can’t say that i am living for something else. Just pure love in its every form. I am feeling something i have never felt before. It is stronger than any kind of drug i guess. And i am scared that i will never have enough. I am finally understanding myself as something important. Because i have this inner world that no one has tried to understand or get to know.  I have always felt alone in a classroom or audience. I don’t fit in. I can’t fit in. I will loose a terrible fight against society. And will i give up? Never. I won’t be liked by people, maybe that is something i can’t get through. I need to fight for my place.Need to find people just like me. With their unique inner thoughts and world. I will accept everyone. But only few people that universe has managed me to meet them, are the right ones. I am really conscious about other persons energy. Some people fit like two pieces of puzzle. Some pieces don’t. And i think it is okay. But somehow some poeple manage to be authorities. And they somehow manage to be liked by a lot of people. And if these authorities don’t like you, you feel left out and wrong. I want to be a good person but i want to be true to myself. Maybe i don’t speak much. But i sing a lot. And sometimes that is the only thing left here in this world worth living. And the more i am studying, the more i understand what i really want to do. Being an chatotic person is really difficult.But i can’t change myself. I can’t. Everyone is saying harsh things, like - you will regret everything, you just don’t appreciate things that are given to you, and oher things. But being a person like me, it is different. Maybe the ways that i am realising things aren’t the best and i am not happy about being anarchistic, but sometimes that’s the only way. Being radical and pressing an emergency button. And completly shut down the system. And start over. I guess there will be consequences. I will try to start again.Maybe life will give me second chance. I think will give it to myself.