mils★

You just pulled her deeper into your embrace and whispered, “never say that, you could never be a burden to me.”

That’s when Vi fell for you, maybe.

Because there just had been way too many instances she could have fallen—like all those times you didn’t ask her how she got hurt and instead focused on making sure she got better, like that time you didn’t judge her for going back to Caitlyn just to get her heart broken. You never judged her, never made her feel like she was somehow broken as a human being.

She felt seen. She felt loved when she was with you.

And she wanted to be with you for the rest of her life, but she didn’t know if this was… love beyond friendship.

She’d already struggled so much in her love life before, it felt like the universe just had to take anyone she loved dearly away from her, and the thought of exposing you to the dangers of being her partner was what terrified her and kept her awake at night.

౨ৎ BEST FRIEND!VI was drifting around so much after her breakup, you felt pity but pity wasn’t what made you approach her during training one day, and asked, “do you wanna move in with me?”

At first, she wanted to decline you right there on the spot. Not because she didn’t need a decent place to crash. But because she felt like it was entirely sympathy that made you offer her that and she wasn’t about to take advantage of her best friend.

But that’s when she saw the look in your eyes—genuine concern. And that was something Vi hadn’t seen directed towards herself in a while.

So she nodded.

Even that was hard.

It was like she was accepting defeat in her own newfound incompetence after the breakup. How was she so weak? It didn’t occur to her that she just needed to let her emotions show until she finally did move in with you.

You healed her in ways you didn’t know. You healed wounds Vi herself didn’t know existed.

౨ৎ BEST FRIEND!VI was always shocked every time you did something for her. Like she wasn’t used to the idea of someone taking care of her or simply coexisting in her space and making living easier for her.

You didn’t urge her to stop pitfighting.

You didn’t ask her to stop drinking her days away.

You stayed by her, helped her through the worst of the hangovers and bandaged her knuckles when she came back with them split open, caked with blood. Not once did you make a face when she felt too drained to take a shower.

You were gentle, but that didn’t mean you just stayed by and never did anything.

You hand washed her clothes to get rid of the blood stains and sweat stains some days. You made so much out of so little because even if you weren’t the richest woman in Zaun, you had a big heart.

And that made everything count a hundred times more.

You made her homemade meals, you listened to her go on and on about how great Caitlyn was when she got sappy and drunk. You held her through every hardship she was faced with.

Almost as if she wasn’t alone.

Almost like you were promising her a lifetime of companionship.

“I know it doesn’t feel like it.” You said, passing her a glass of water, “but eventually, you’ll pick up the pieces of yourself and you’ll learn to move on. The only way to get rid of grief is to grieve.”

Vi looked at you, her blue eyes already collecting with fresh hot tears. “Why are you so nice to me?”

You smiled slightly. “You’re my…”

“Friend” sounded like it would undermine her importance in your life at the moment so you took a deep and breath and continued—

“You’re someone really important to me. And I care about you.”

Those words made a different kind of change.

The kind of change that helped a person heal.

౨ৎ BEST FRIEND!VI fell in love slowly. It wasn’t one day of dramatic realisation. It was when she caught herself doing things for you…

Getting you flowers randomly. Telling you how beautiful you look. Holding your hand when you both are walking the streets.

The drinking slowly stopped. She started sitting with you more during meals.

She started caring for you back.

Not because she felt like she owed it to you.

But because she was falling in love.

She could be herself—the sweet, broken, shy girl deep down that she was but never showed anyone else in fear of rejection.

But it was like you saw right through her even before she initiated acting like how she felt. You made her feel loved and cared for.

Vi couldn’t see a future that didn’t include you anymore.

You became a big part of her life.

She spent time in getting to know you even better—your favourite color, favourite food, the way you nervously played with your hair when you got a little shy, the way you listened to hopeless love songs when you cooked, the way you were a little sensitive to the usual gruff nature of Zaun’s people.

And Vi knew she couldn’t take you away from all the roughness the world offered to people who lived in the Undercity.

But she could make it easier.

She longed for you, she longed to make you the happiest woman on the planet.

She didn’t need you to reciprocate romantic feelings because in her heart it was enough to know she was in love with someone who had a good heart and cared about her.

But the idea of rejection still stung.

She was still raw after everything she’d been through.

So she took her time.

౨ৎ BEST FRIEND!VI knocked the lights out of some guy that dared touch you inappropriately. This wasn’t a new occurrence but Vi losing her temper like that was new. So when you were finally in the confines of your living room, you asked her, “are you okay?”

Vi nodded, eyes set on the way your hands gently cradled her injured fist.

“Does it hurt?” You asked, dabbing at the wound with disinfectant—as if you weren’t aware she’d taken worse injuries.

Vi didn’t say anything. She just stared quietly at the way you gently patched her up.

“Why?” she then blurted.

You blinked. “Huh?”

“Why do you care so much? I’m just—I’m—”

“Because you matter.” You said gently, “I don’t know what you see every time you look in the mirror, Vi, but I see someone who’s been too strong for too long, and you need to break down every once a while,” you cupped the side of her face. “You’re only human, too.”

Vi swallowed thickly.

She didn’t know why, she leaned closer and pressed her lips to yours. She genuinely thought you’d push her away.

But you didn’t.

You closed your eyes and let her kiss you. Your hands braced on her shoulders as you kissed her back. You held her like she mattered. Like you weren’t just going to take advantage of her. Vi didn’t realise when she’d started crying.

Not sobbing. Just a few silent tears that escaped her eyes, and rolled down her cheeks as she kissed you.

Her feelings for you overwhelmed her in the best way.

౨ৎ BEST FRIEND!VI was genuinely so shocked and honoured when you said you would let her take your virginity. She gently fingered you open first just so you don’t feel too much pain when she fucked you when her strap.

“Does that feel good? Let me know if it’s too much.” She muttered, her voice filled with love and care.

Her fingers worked in your pussy, curling and twisting as she toyed with your sweet spot. Your face was buried in the crook of her neck, your moans muffled by her skin.

“You’re gonna make a mess on my fingers, cupcake?”

“Stop… you’re so embarrassing.” You said, cheeks bright red.

“You wanted this…”

“Then just fuck me…”

She kissed your forehead and moved down, lips leaving a trail of kisses on the expanse of your chest and collarbones.

“You feel like heaven on my fingers.”

Her words weren’t doing you much good. You were so wet that it was genuinely embarrassing. You were moving on her hand, grinding down, chasing the friction of her fingers inside you—until suddenly she switched her fingers for her strap.

First the head of the toy pressed against your tight opening, and you thought it wouldn’t fit until it slid in with a slight wet “pop”, burying in all the way until all of the length was in you.

You gasped, “w-wait, it hurts a little.”

Vi paused instantly, eyes slightly wide, and filled with concern—did she hurt you? That was her worst fear.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah…” you wrapped your arms around Vi, “please… keep going.”

Vi’s hands were braced on either side of your head, her hips moving back and forth as she slid in and out of you with ease, thanks to your arousal. You clenched tightly around her, the stretch providing a burning pleasure you’d never felt before.

“Good job, baby, you’re taking me so well,” she whispered, leaning forward to press a kiss to your forehead as she buried herself to the hilt.

You gasped and came with a cry of pleasure, liquids dripping alongside the sides of the toy. Your clit throbbed with need.

And although you never expected to hear yourself say this, you did;

“Please… don’t stop.”

the biggest mess-up and censorship fanfics:

So, I was surrounded by a lot of people who liked censorship fanfics when I was Nicole. I had never written anything of that sort before in my life I believe, but when all those people started telling me and discussing things like that, I thought maybe I should write it.

While I wrote it, I felt a sense of discomfort, but I told myself that it's fine, I am probably just overreacting. It didn't help that my boyfriend at the time, AJ, himself urged me to write non-consensual fanfics with heavier themes that I wish I had screenshotted before but I'm unsure if I have anything to prove it, that account is probably already deleted.

And given I had explored that subject before with some traumas (sa) I've had before, I thought that maybe this is how some people like to cope.

So, before I could make any public statement about it, I stopped writing those kind of fanfics for a while. And during that time, I had a controversy start in my server, where this one user, namely Ethan (ggutpunch), started sexualizing pedophilia. Now, I knew that they have trauma of being targeted and groomed, so I defended them to AJ, that "they're just traumatized, it happens. They just need therapy". AJ, on the other hand, told me that that user needed to be "put down like a dog".

My mixed feelings resulted in me going behind both of their backs and shit-talking both of them. And I realized that that's probably the worst thing I've ever done in my entire seven years of writing. And I've hurt a lot of people through my words behind their back, and I do very much acknowledge that, yes, I did hurt them. And I've already apologized to that user and AJ and tried to put everything behind me and move on and just be a better person, because there's only so much I can do.

I am getting better. I don't lie anymore. I don't talk shit about someone and pretend to be their friend in the next second.

I just want everyone to acknowledge that I did not write all the fanfic completely on my own accord, and I had support, which made me think that this was probably normal. But I still have mixed emotions regarding it all because I'm not sure how I feel about it. I still have nightmares from my own sa trauma, and I don't know if I should write about it or just avoid it or just do whatever.

So I stay away from similar fanfiction materials now, like I had once done when I was Hannah, until I met that group of people and that messed me up.

I don't blame them for the things I've written, but I do blame them for pretending like they never supported the things I wrote.

the double standards:

After everything fell to hell, I was disloyal to AJ and I lied about a lot of things. And AJ then proceeded to ask me to try again in this relationship, and we did. We tried again, except this time he was disloyal and dishonest, which resulted in the falling out again on 10th June.

This time I told him that I am truly done, and I do not want to see him talking about me anywhere else, because he told his dearest friends that he moved on from me and all that, except that was another lie. And given that when me and him tried again, he told his friends that we weren't together, and he told me that he wasnt friends with those people— he lied to both sides.

I provided evidence of those lies to ggutpunch (the person that took it in their hands to expose the liars in this entire case), and I had asked them if they would take the same initiative as they did when I lied to them. They said they would confront, except they never did the same things to AJ.

It was completely biased, and they still have never put out screenshots of AJ the way they had for me. And that hurt me a lot because it was so clear that they were biased with each other when they made big mistakes and lied to the public, and they didn't actually care that both of us hurt each other, and both of us deserved the same kind of consequences for our lies.

Moreover, when he exposed screenshots of mine, it was called raising awareness. But when I showed people that I got lied to by him as well and we are both just teens who made mistakes growing up— he called it childish and immature... So yeah, that's a lot of hypocrisy and discrimination.

the lies from AJ didn't stop there:

We tried AGAIN. Yeah, again.

Because he lied to ggutpunch about not talking of me anywhere except he was still actively talking about me on an alt blog that I won't name. I knew so I exposed that lie too, in hopes that maybe I'd get the justice of being lied to (like AJ had gotten), except, I never got that. They're still happy-go-lucky friends with each other while knowing fully well he's a liar. And has lied way more after promising her wouldn't.

After I blocked ggutpunch because of the double standards they showed me, AJ and I talked again after around 3 days of no contact.

We agreed to try for a talking stage, except there was way too much disrespect there, and while I had reassured him for the lies I'd told him, I barely got that same treatment back because I'm also freshly hurt by his lies. And considering he's friends with people who're still unfairly dragging only me down, and he's aware of that injustice— I told him that the talking stage itself cannot work out because it's plain disrespectful how he sits back and watches me get discriminated against him.

I told him not to contact me unless he was ready to give me the same reassurance I'd given him, but he tried to add me back on discord and act like nothing happened because "he wants to move on" but doesn't want to deal with the damage he's caused in me.

Adding on, he lied to me about guaranteeing that ggutpunch would stop posting about me, but he lied about it. And I'm really tired of any more lies at all.

It's 15th June today when I called it off just a bit ago, and because I've promised him 60 days after the breakup I won't move on, his 60 days had started four days ago, that leaves 56 days. I have screenshots to verify 95% of the things I've said here.

conclusion:

But I'm not ggutpunch neither AJ so I would much rather not post them out here. You can choose to believe me if you wish to, and if not that's fine too but if my memory serves me right, this is all there is to the drama that's gone down recently.

I just want the raw truth to be out. And it is now. That's all the peace I need. I will answer asks regarding the situation, but I do encourage zero hate directed towards ggutpunch or AJ, or anyone else who discriminated against me or was included in the situation in general.

I do firmly believe everyone will get karma accordingly.

Any hate in my inbox will be deleted and blocked. I'm done lying to people to protect others or myself. I'm done lying in general. I just wanna heal myself and get better, and I hope they all do as well.

I haven't moved on from AJ, and I don't know for sure why he told me he loved me only to say he liked my company later on, maybe because he wanted me to stay quiet about his lies? I don't know.