Maisha

It's a bit sad how their story ends isn't it. The way they all go their separate ways, just a footnote in each other's high school stories. A memory that is looked upon fondly but painfully, because they will long for each other, but never have it again. 

I think I would traverse the earth to find your missing soul because it deserves to be next to mine. I think I would cross oceans to find you to ensure that you are doing alright. In every universe where you are no longer mine, I think you will still remain on my mind. I think I will love you until the words lose all meaning, and then I will continue to adore you for all time. I think falling in love means you never fall out of love because you may fall down but you never fall up. Maybe you never crawl out of love.

She gets to paint herself the hero because she offered to pay for my therapy when I couldn't afford it. Correction to the story that is circulating because I'm tired of being the terrible monster she thinks I am. She offered to pay for a singular therapy session because I could get over all the trauma and hurt in one instance. And I declined because one session is not enough to actually get into the problems a person is dealing with. Yet I'm the selfish one for refusing.

I carry my mother's pride and disappointment close to my bosom. I feed it the life force from my soul and the tears that tumble down my cheeks. I am my mother's joy and embarrassment. Destined for greatness but always falling short amongst the clouds. Never the one to make a home out of the galaxy where our greatness originates from.

My mother says I care about things a lot less than I should. She says I am broken. She says there is something fundamentally wrong with my mind. She may be right. 

There is an extensive list of people who dislike me, but there are only a few valid in their hatred of me. I can count on one hand, not even all the fingers would be needed, down the number of people I have wronged. And most times it is never valid, they are simply shouldering the anger and hatred of people who do not hate me. 

The thing about my brother and me is that he should hate me. But he doesn't. But he really really should. The thing about the two of us is that I stole his birthright. I ripped it out from under him, not intentionally, but that's just the way it fell. The thing about my brother is that he is not my father's son, and that meant to them all that I was above him. But he is my brother and any being that tries to harm him, will find themselves impaled on the edge of my sword. 

I look at you and pity any child who comes from you. That child, the nonexistent one, is deserving better of the scum that you are. Not to be judgmental but you are absolute scum. You could be on fire and I have the last bottle of water, and I would not even spit on you to try to tame the flame. You are all that is wrong with this world. You are not deserving of a child, and no child is deserving of suffering under you. 

How do you explain to a guy who is halfway in love with you, that the only reason you had any interest in the first place is because he reminds you of your ex? How do you explain that when you called him pretty, all you could see was the first guy you ever fell in love with. That his smile was a copy of a guy he does not know, but he so closely resembles. How do you explain that you're truly a terrible human being because the loss of him did not hurt because you lost him, but because it felt like you had lost the love of your life again? How do you apologize and actually mean it? Because it's not like you're even actually sorry. You would destroy him again in a heartbeat if it meant catching a glimpse of your lost love. 

"This is how it goes for people like us. We don't do happy endings. We don't get the guy or the girl. You don't even get invited to the wedding even though they were your best friend once. That's just how it goes. Actually, the only reason you even find out those two are getting married is because your father overhears his uncle talking about it to his best friend. And that's okay. And you keep your secret, becasue there is a secret. And your family turns a blind eye, and turns away and pretends like it isn't happening. Becasue it is safer that way. Because it hurts less that way. because you never really stop loving him but you cannot allow him to destroy you. Because you know you will always have a piece of him with you. Because the tragedy of being left started with your father and it unfortunately does not end with you."

Let's talk about falling in love. Let's talk about how it is beautiful and haunting and the best of the worst. Let's talk about how you never ever forget your first love. About how their memory will haunt your waking days and you will look for them in all the people that you meet. Let's talk about how you will date people, not because you like them, but because they bear a slight resemblance to the first person you ever trusted with your heart. Let's talk about how you leave a trail of broken hearts for that reason Let's talk about it all. Let's talk about the fact that there is no universe where I would ever regret knowing you, except for this one.