MagicBoobiess

However I was actually kinda liking it, it feels like those beds that can fold and give great support for your back. Putting you in an angle almost.

So when I woke up from my nap I told myself, “ I should really try to fix my bedrame.” So I did, I put my my mind to work busted out my tools and with some ingenuity and TLC I have a bed again XD. All it took was 24 hours, but finally I’ll sleep good again. It feels even better than when I got it also I’d say, I’m really good at this builder stuff XD.

Comfort prevails! It’s the small wins in life.

Ughh… let me just go to bed.. oh wait 🥹

I told myself “stop being shy” haha what a good motivator I’d say. Plus I’ve gotten to the point in my life where if I see someone I could potentially like or want to be friends with, then I wanna go out of my way to make an impression or at least talk to them. If there’s a feeling I don’t like, it’s the feeling of not doing something I wanted to do.

Her curly hair is what immediately caught my attention, also she had the prettiest looking make up. It was neon green right above her eyes. She had such a pretty smile too, the type to just make you want to smile as well. The choice of accessories was also very becoming, it pulled the whole ensemble together.

Later I met a guy through my friend and he gave us a ride home. He was a good conversationalist and very nice and well mannered. He had me fooled since I thought he looked so young but turns out he was actually a yr older than me. Once he dropped us off me and my friend went back into her apartment we chatted for a good while then went to bed.

all I need for another day

And I all I ever knew,

only you

I'm on vacation right now and not gonna lie it's actually really nice. For the longest time I've never really allowed myself to do what I wanna do see what I wanna see etc. Ya'll get the gist. So recently I've just been doing what I would basically not do. I'm trying to go against my regular self so I can be more out there and allow myself to experience the world.

I think what it is, is I've been working my whole whole life. Since age 16 and even before then but I suppose on paper. Starting at age 16 is when I started working for money. At the time I was really the only one that was working and just trying to make money. In a way it was both good and bad. Good because I suppose I wanted to have my own money and such things in order to be able to experience life on my own terms.

The bad I would say I didn't really take note of until now that I'm much older. The bad is that its wired my brain into this work work work mindset. At least when it comes to me and money. I've deluded myself into thinking that as long as I work I can spend whatever amount of money I want and be ok. Which I suppose there is some truth to that but I don't want to be caught in this cycle of just working working working. Eventually I want to be free, do my own thing, be my own person live life on my own terms.

I'm so shackled to the idea of being this super hard worker, which is not a bad thing but I suppose that once you've been working for more than half of your life you start to re-think every time you have to clock in at work. It's barely day 2 of my vacation but I already miss it and want to go back. What's keeping me going is that I have some more vacation coming up.

It was $40 tooo! That’s like 2 hours plus of work goneee.

But hey like my coworker told me today you live and you learn and that’s the lesson

I really want to find something that can make me money but that's not retail. In the context of the last sentence, I want a job that is fun enough to where it doesn't feel like work. Or that at least pays well enough to where I only have to do it a few times a week or month and have a lot of free time left over.

mmm...

That kinda sounds like maybe I should open up my own business. That is not a bad idea I just wouldn't know the first thing that I would want to sell. I used to always want to open up a bike repair shop or a coffee shop. Both are two things that I would say im passionate about. Idk I feel lost and don't really have a goal that im working towards. I keep asking the higher powers that be to help me too.

I was wanting this to be poetic but sometimes it’s best to just say things as they are. Work has wasted so much of my time over the years. So so much time. The thing is I wouldn’t even try to go anywhere else or better myself. There’s been times where I stayed somewhere wayy longer than I should’ve. Why? I really couldn’t tell you, it was blind loyalty. Being grateful that anyone would take a chance on me that I’d endure less than ideal work conditions just to say I had a job.

That is so sad, no back bone just staying somewhere like a good little lap dog instead of going out and creating my future. Ahhhghghfh. I just need a good opportunity to come my way. Plus I’m just so tired at my job it’s not good for the soul. I’m so mentally checked out of my job the only reason I’m able to do it still is because my normal is being a very hard worker. Regardless of the job or pay I’ll always work hard at what I do.

My current pay is not bad but it took 2 years to get here and I don’t think I have much left in the tank to keep going. The only reason why I haven’t quit is because I don’t have anything else to fall back on. I just need someone to take a chance on me *sigh. Or I need to take a chance on myself either or. I just want more than this. I know it’s possible and if what it takes to receive help or support is to say that I can’t do this on my own. Well here’s me saying it. Please whoever is listening, reading, etc. I can’t keep doing this on my own please, I’m trying, I really am to continue on my own. I would say I’ve gotten far but I just know I could get even further if I had help or guidance or just a really lucky break. So please to anyone out there, I want more for myself I’m ready please help me.

I know the reason why am so I avoidant tho. I was bullied so much growing up. By both children and adults alike, it seemed like everyone fucking hated me, and it didn’t stop I kinda just learned to tune out the BS and the really cruel ppl who would intentionally try to hurt me. But still, being bullied for most of my life by multiple different people really messed up. It honestly did irreparable damage and harm to me.

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE BECAUSE IM SO TRAUMATIZED FROM MULTIPLE PEOPLE HURTING ME ALL THE TIME THAT IM ONLY CAPABLE OF SURFACE LEVEL RELATIONSHIPS AND NOTHING ELSE .

This is sad I’m sad life is sad sometimes but oh wells. Ppl can be so fucking cruel, both adults and children I was never really allowed to be myself and now I don’t know who I am because of it.

Here’s to better things coming my way hopefully 🥂