love softly

Don't get me wrong, he did not react well to The Whole Thing. I'm not absolving him of ANYTHING there. But deciding that he's irredeemable, deciding he's a bad person, deciding that he's as bad as every other MTL player (save Hayden) is incredibly reductive and, honestly, I hate to say it, but it's pretty fucking immature.

Because in the real world people fuck up. In the real world, people react poorly in highly emotional situations. And it is pretty fucking important, actually if a loved one has had a bad/negative reaction, has done and said hurtful things, but then COMES BACK AND TRIES TO FIX IT, after he has had time to examine why he reacted that way. That is fucking huge. It's huge and it's RARE, and it's so, so good.

J.J. showing up on Shane's doorstep to talk it out is so fucking brave. Shane letting him in (physically and emotionally) and allowing him the opportunity to talk it out is ALSO so fucking brave. And it is truly beautiful and valuable and GOOD that the ten year friendship they have is important enough -- on both sides-- for them to do the hard work to mend it.

Repairing something that has been broken is an important aspect of any long term relationship. It's important for J.J. to see why he was wrong, and for him to be the one to reach out . It's ALSO important for Shane to understand how his secrecy (no matter how well-justified it is) and hiding and lying has impacted ALL of his personal relationships, because a huge theme of the book is that Hollanov don't exist in a vacuum, and cannot live in a vacuum!!!!!

Shane even SAID he chose Ilya, but Ilya didn't FEEL like it was super confident. Ilya is depressed, which can make you infer the worst possible tone to everything. I would know, because I've had an argument with a friend about how I felt she didn't care about me, when the problem was that I casually asked my friend if we could hang out (emotionally, I was destroyed and needed a hangout), and she casually told me she was busy. My feelings didn't reflect reality because if I told her I needed a hangout cuz I felt like shit, she would come over. Because she does care about me. Shane "go-getter" Hollander would have figured something out if there was any bit of communication from his boyfriend, since he can't rely on his divine providence from the RR, as she wants him to be the villain in this fight.

I'll even copy-paste that part of Shane and Ilya's argument from the book. The bold is from me.

“You wouldn’t even choose me, would you?” Ilya said. “If it is between me and hockey.” “Of course I would,” Shane said, though not as confidently as Ilya would have liked.

"not as confidently as Ilya would have liked" is literally straight-up tone policing. Ilya is ignoring Shane's words in favor of the emotional subtext, which, as we well know, neurodivergent people all over the world are telling us, is hard!

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Plus, the start of the argument only happens because Ilya tries to keep it casual, and he gets a casual answer!!! I cannot explain to y'all how badly I wanted to toss TLG into a paper shredder when I read the following page of text. I'm going to bold every mention of "casual" or when Ilya is purposely keeping the tone chill btw.

“Bood is having a party tonight.” Ilya said it casually, as if there were no particular reason he was letting Shane know. As if his stomach wasn’t a mess as he anticipated Shane’s reaction.  “Zane Boodram? He’s having a party on Boxing Day?” “Yes. Not a big party. It will be chill. Mostly just the team and partners. Bood has fun parties.”  “Oh.” Ilya held his breath.  “Did you want to go or something?” Shane asked, clearly confused. “I could stay here, I guess. Or head back to—”  “I want you to go too,” Ilya said. “I want you to come with me to the party.”  Shane twisted around so they were facing each other on Ilya’s couch. “You want me to go to a party with your teammates? Why?”  So they can fucking meet my boyfriend, Ilya wanted to scream. But instead, he kept his tone light and said, “They are cool people. You might have fun.”  “But...wouldn’t it be weird, if we showed up together?”  Ilya shrugged easily, as if this was a normal thing for him to suggest. “They know you would be in Ottawa for Christmas. We are friends, so I invite you to a party. No big deal.”  Shane’s face scrunched up in confusion, then he shook his head. “Too weird. I don’t think so.”  The dismissal, though expected, irritated Ilya. No, irritated was too small a word—it infuriated him. For a moment, Ilya didn’t react. He stared at Shane, stony-faced, while anger scorched through him like lava. Then, before he said anything he may regret, he stood up and walked out of the living room. Shane caught up with him in the kitchen.  “You can go,” he said. “It’s fine.”  “Great,” Ilya snapped.  “What’s wrong?” Shane sounded so genuinely clueless about why Ilya might want him to meet his friends that it only angered Ilya further.

Shane sounds genuinely clueless after Ilya gives him about two minutes of CASUAL warning about a party where, if the captain actually went after blowing off several team invitations, just to bring a friend, it would be weird. Guys. It would be weird if Shane Hollander going to the party is the only reason that Ilya goes to the party. Especially since the party is described by Ilya as "Mostly just the team and partners." Soooo if Shane, who would be just 'a friend' at a party for team members and their romantic partners, thinks that would be a little too weird, why the fuck is that a problem? Three guesses, and the first two don't count.

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Shane is said to not understand how much Ilya sacrificed for their future, but should I remind everyone what Ilya's original plan was going to be? In HR, Ilya plans to let the rivalry fade by moving to the west, where Ilya and Shane would only see each other twice a year.

“I was thinking,” Ilya said. It was late morning the next day, and they were sitting on the deck with coffee. “If I played for a team that was not Boston. Maybe in the west. The rivalry would not be such a big deal.” Shane seemed to consider this. “That’s true. We’d only play against each other twice a year.” He frowned and Ilya knew he didn’t like that idea any more than he did. We’d only see each other twice a year. “Is…like, sacrifice. For future gain, yes?” Shane brightened. “Future gain?” “Yes. Our rivalry has been huge. But maybe we can help it to…fade away? A little?” “Yeah…” Shane said. He was getting excited. “Yeah! I don’t like the idea of you being so far, but we could make people forget all about us as rivals and maybe no one would care about us at all one day.”

But the thing is that Shane and Ilya want to see each other! Twice a year is too little for them, so the next scene is literally Shane thinking of a different idea. It's the famous nighttime wake-up and listen to my ten-year plan for our future scene that leads into the "I love you's". The scene I'm most interested in is when Ilya specifically declines Montreal because they couldn't afford both Shane and Ilya at their full worth. I wonder who ends up being paid less than their worth in the end...

“I am a free agent, after next season.” He definitely had Shane’s full attention now. “You’d leave Boston?” “I have just been thinking. Maybe…a Canadian team.” “Holy shit, really?” “Yes.” “Like where?” Ilya could see the thoughts play out on Shane’s face like a movie: What if we played together in Montreal? No. Montreal couldn’t afford both of us. “Not Montreal,” Ilya said gently. “No. I know.” But good god, now Ilya was imagining that. Playing together, living together, being together. It was never going to happen. But it was a nice thought.

How amazing that Ilya's dream ends up being fulfilled without him having to be paid less than what he is worth.

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In TLG, right after Shane gets angry in their fight and says that line about wanting to win cups instead of smoking between losses, Ilya thinks about how he chose Ottawa because it was Shane's hometown! What the actual fuck are you talking about, Ilya? What the fuck is RR writing?? She purposely rewrites the Ottawa move to be about choosing between love and your career, instead of the fact that it was about choosing BOTH for Ilya. In fact, the sheer insanity of how the Ottawa plan was named as "Shane's plan" when things get hard is always baffling to me, when originally, Ilya liked it more than his plan. I'm going to put the TLG passage of the Ottawa thing and the HR passage just for anyone who doesn't remember it.

In TLG:

Shane truly didn’t understand anything. Not what Ilya had given up for him, certainly. Ilya could be in Boston right now, leading one of the top teams in the league to more Stanley Cups. He could be breaking more records, and winning more awards. Instead he’d chosen to come to Ottawa, when he could have gone to almost any team in the league. He’d chosen a team that hadn’t made the playoffs in over a decade. He’d chosen it because it was Shane’s hometown, and close to where Shane lived. He’d chosen it so he could build a life in Canada with the man he loved.

In HR:

“You play for Ottawa, I play for Montreal. Those cities are an hour apart. We start a charity together, you and me. Something that benefits both cities. So now people see us working together on something. We make up some story about how I approached you with this idea, and—”  “Or I approached you.”  “Whatever. The point is, we tell the press, the fans, everyone, that by working together on the cause that means so much to both of us, we have developed a mutual respect for each other...”  “Yes. And also we are fucking each other. Any questions?”  “Fuck off! This is a great idea, Rozanov!” Ilya laughed. Shane hit him with a pillow.  “Is not bad,” Ilya finally conceded. “So we start this charity...”  “And it wouldn’t be bullshit either. I’ve been wanting to start one anyway. We’ll do something that means a lot to both of us.”  “Yes. Okay.”  “We still play hard against each other on the ice, obviously. I mean, I am never going to stop enjoying beating your ass.”  Ilya snorted. “Sure.”  “And...like I said. We’re an hour away from each other. All year.” He wanted Ilya to see this vision as clearly as he could. It seemed tantalizingly possible. Easy, even. “And you’d be in Canada. And you could apply for citizenship eventually.”  “Yes. I understand that part.” “And maybe...someday. When we both retire. We can...be together. For real.” Ilya looked stunned by that part. “You really think that far ahead, Hollander?” “I do about this.”

The literal reason for it is NUMBER ONE: Canadian Citizenship, NUMBER TWO: Killing the Rivalry, NUMBER THREE: Being close to each other for love.

How do we know Ilya wanted Canadian citizenship? Here you go:

In HR: “Do you still want to become an American citizen?” “I don’t know. I am thinking…maybe somewhere else.” “Oh.”

shane — who at this point has spent the entire book being told by literally everyone that he needs to be less mopey and anxious and to support ilya’s life more — fully compartmentalises everything and pushes all of it down. he’s never been happier, truly. yes he’d love to host the centaurs at his new house without warning. he’d love to do a photoshoot. he’d love to post a video on instagram. he’d love to be the butt of the joke. look how much fun he’s having. this is great. he just needs to be less worried about everything and it’ll all work out. ilya will take care of it. he just needs to go to the back of the line. yes, he wants another slice of chocolate cake please and thank you

then he tries ribbing shane — the classic ‘fuck you’ ‘asshole’ ‘boring’ game where they volley shots at each other back and forth — and shane, his shane, is slightly too slow to return the hit. shane is very quiet in their house, and he doesn’t always notice ilya has spoken. when asked, shane doesn’t have a strong opinion about their new lounge set. shane doesn’t mind staying out later. shane asks ilya to turn off game 4 of the stanley cup finals.