mags

Some pictures from the weekend at Seattle with my family 😙 05/30/21

Will it really?

A lot has happened since I’ve posted. I got a job. I’m in an apartment with my boyfriend, I have a cat. I’ve been to the psych ward for almost killing myself. I haven’t told anyone that besides my mom, sister, and of course my boyfriend. I feel like that just wouldn’t matter to people and it’s none of their business anyways. I’m 18 years old, almost 19. I’ve lost myself so many times and swore that I know who I am. I’ve had mental breakdowns everyday, I’ve made new friends, new relationships with my boyfriends family. Instead of feeling scared to be around them, I’m now friends with them. Like pretty good friends with them. I also have a nicotine addiction now so that’s fucking aWeSoMe. I guess I just use it as a copping mechanism. I never thought I’d be fucking vaping but it helps with my stress and it low key feels good in my throat but that’s beyond the point, is there a point to this? Nah, just typing lol. I got my septum pierced, and I got my first tattoo. Right now I’m at a point in my life where I’m starting to realize, why do I want to spend my entire life depressed, and lonely? Depression doesn’t just disappear, but you can try and heal yourself, and I think that’s exactly where I am. As for my boyfriend, from my previous posts, I’m still with him. After 2 years and 3 months. I never thought that would ever happen to me. Even though he’s done some fucked up shit to me, and fucked my head up, I’m still with him. I don’t think I could ever leave, or even try. He’s trying to fix what he did, but it’s not easy. I’m still young though. I don’t know what else to say really.

U know what. Fuck it. I’m done hiding, I’m done being this insecure ass bitch. I’m fucking hot, sweet, caring, loyal and a badass bitch. If he ever wants to cheat on me that’s his own damn fault for losing me. He will never find someone as good as me, and that’s on him if he wants to let go of this. I’m not being cocky, I’m not being egotistical. I’m being confident. I know my worth. No more being sad, and drowning in my tears everyday. If he doesn’t like this, bye 👋🏻. I love him. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop loving myself. I’m done being this depressed ass bitch I have been since 7th grade. I know I’m worth more than that.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing is going to change. He obviously doesn’t love me anymore and that’s that. I can’t change it. But he begs and begs for me not to go so it’s hard to.

It sucks being in love with someone who doesn’t love you as much back.

I woke up this morning and realized how one sided our relationship really is. I’ll be eating, or even just sitting there and I’ll look at him and I’ll fall in love all over again. He can’t even look at me for more than 2 seconds without looking away, or giving me a mean look. He never randomly calls me beautiful, he never randomly does nice things for me. I just want to be loved by someone. A turn off for me is no affection in the relationship. I love clinginess. I love being told that I’m beautiful, or anything like that. I feel so insecure dating him because I know there’s better girls out there, and I know I’m not the most attractive person. But, he could at least help with my insecurities which he knows are there. We’ve been together almost 2 years and I still can’t smile widely in front of him because my teeth. I also hate showing him my bare body. I should be comfortable. But, he’s never just told me how beautiful my body is, or how beautiful my smile is. Boys will just randomly tell their girlfriends that and he hasn’t done that once. I do it to him all the time.

I might cry... He never looks at me like this anymore 😭😭😭😭

I miss the old him

I haven’t been on in a while and that’s really going to change now. I have so much to say and nobody to talk to so I’m using tumblr now. The boy I’m with is the same boy who I posted that I went to homecoming with. Surprising that it’s almost been 2 years now. But it hasn’t been sunshine and lollipops like I was hoping for. We live together and have for almost a year now. I love him with all my heart but he isn’t the boy he was 2 years ago and I can’t change that. I miss who he used to be. He would hold me when I’m feeling sad, and he would tell me that it’s going to be okay. Now, I can’t even get 2 words out of him when I’m sad, which is pretty much all the fucking time. We broke up about 2 months ago because he texted some girl and lied to me about it. It wasn’t friendly texts either. It was some random girl on that Whisper app, and he said “Wow” to her photo and deleted the text thinking I wouldn’t find out about it, he knows I’m not dumb too. So, I got the courage to break up with him. Which was so hard to do because I genuinely feel like he’s the love of my life, and I lost him. The next day he was very distant in texts which I expected because we were a couple anymore. But turns out he was just texting his ex girlfriend, and proceeded to have sex with her the 2nd night we broke up. I wasn’t even thinking about boys. I was so fucked up, and sad and he was just doing whatever he wanted. He had the right to because we weren’t dating but damn dude. We were together for almost 2 years and it took him one night. And for her, to sleep with someone you haven’t been in contact with for almost 3 years and you immediately have sex with him? That’s disgusting. Have self respect, both of them. I guess I shouldn’t be talking because guess who took him back. I’m a fucking idiot I know. But, I have hope in me that maybe someday his old self will come back. It’ll probably never happen. We’re fighting today. A pretty bad fight. He held me down and would scream at me because I was sad. He hurts me. Physically and emotionally. But I’m just so scared of being alone that I don’t leave him. That makes me a fucking dumbass and I know it. But I’ll always be a fucking idiot. All this pain I’m doing to myself. I wish I had self love and friends to help me. But I have literally no one and I’m scared of feeling the pain I did when we weren’t together. I would get way to high and that didn’t help shit.

i’m going to try and use Tumblr more often! and figure it out i guess. i’ve been using it since 2015 and i still don’t fully understand it.

It’s been almost 5 months with my boyfriend. It’ll be 5 months on the 1st of March because there isn’t a February 29th.. but anyways. Things have been going very well with him. We had a huge situation a week ago but it wasn’t too big. It’s just that I need to learn things in relationships. Like acceptance... and realizing that I shouldn’t be so selfish. He wasn’t calling me selfish or anything, I realized that because it’s obvious. He has ex’s and I do not. He’s... expierenced?? Hes done things and I just can’t accept that for some reason but it’s a normal thing!! I should just get over it. But I’ve always been obsessed with the thought of having a boyfriend who experiences things with me. Where we learn things TOGETHER. Instead of just someone teaching me something. I wanted to be innocent with someone. But it doesn’t work like that, I can’t leave Nick because of that because that’s dumb. It’s small, and dumb. And I truly believe that he’s my soulmate. I truly do. We act the same, and think the same. We have the same interests and nobody’s ever made me feel like that. I’ve had crushes, and things but there’s something about him that tells me that he’s the only one for me... idk.

Well, to go back onto what I said on my last post the boy I danced with has now officially been my boyfriend for 3 months today. All those things I heard about him were lies by this girl who lies for attention, and wanted me to think bad of him. He's actually the most cutest, and sweetest guy on the planet that I intend on marrying :) He's the only person left in this world that hasn't left me so far. I hope I don't mess things up with him. I love him so much. He's so funny, and nice to me. Boys are never sweet to me, he's the first person to ever call me beautiful, and other things genuinely. Not just to see if I'm one of those kind of girls. I hope when we're older we own 2 Pit bulls and we cuddle watching Shameless, and The Office, and we're in the kitchen cooking together listening to music and laughing at things that aren't normal things. Soon.