TIMOTHY

The smile I recently found is now slowly fading, and I'm starting to wear a mask to hide my emotions. But I’m grateful it happened because it reminded me that I am the artist of my own life. While rushing my strokes, trying to feel better, I realized I need to step back and see the wide perspective of what I am creating. That, I need to make sure I'm still doing it right.

That is why, even if it hurts me, I tried to conquer my fears, to face them, to help myself stand on my own, to learn to be alone. I tried new things on my own; that not all the time I wanted to be surrounded by the people I know. Being cooped up, being alone gives you a wider perspective on things that you often don't see. You can channel the things that you really want, the things that you don't want, the things that you want to be, the things that exhaust you so you can learn to eliminate them. You can also see your insecurities when your friends are with their other friends. Most of the time, you want to be treated like how they treat them, and it kills you inside, but you can't do anything because that is how life works. Learning not to be the people pleaser like you used to is an advantage. You just like being there, being in your corner. You can appreciate the beauty of watching and observing rather than being in and talking. Sometimes being alone doesn't mean you don't want to be with them, but recharging. Recharging yourself again to explore new things.

This is one of the reasons why I love talking my thoughts to Danielle—her mind is full of wisdom, and I always get the chance to learn something from her. It helps me enlighten my mind about the things I couldn't figure out myself.

 However, it turns out that I am the circle I longed for. They took advantage of my kindness and patience, always assuming everything was fine. I uplifted them, but they forgot to lend a helping hand to reach me. If they stumble, they look back, and my foolishness pressures me to assist them once again. My life is in chaos; I must learn to navigate it independently, or else I will lose in this game of life. There are moments when I yearn to go back to my former self—the person who cared little, the one who derived pleasure from witnessing others' tears and suffering due to their own greed and personal gain. But it's not me. I am not that foolish child from the past who was tormented by her past.

So if you keep telling other people or thought that things were just okay, that I can understand, or that you know me, then you are wrong. Things are getting different in the way you treat me. And if ever things have crossed your mind that suddenly I'm not the person you used to know, the person who always smiles, opens their arms wide ready to hug, the person who always says hello, the person who always seeks out where you have been, the person who always asks how you are suddenly isolates herself, please understand that she is hurt. that it's not you or her who's the problem. She's just being protective of herself because she is broken and one more move would wreck her.

The last time I cried to my mom because I couldn't find a place to live and school was about to start, she did the asking, posted, and sent me the locations to check. until such time that I can settle down and be okay. And now I did it again. I cried like a baby, telling her that I couldn't find a place to work, and I was so devastated to the point that I couldn't think straight. I don't want to go out, and everything annoys me. I told her that I'm still waiting for my plan A to reply, my plan B changed its management, my plan C is no longer accepting due to a lack of branches, my plan D turned me down, my plan E requires a MOA first before deployment, and I haven't thought to make a plan F to Z, but if ever, the only option is to go back to Negros and find a place to work, and I don't want to go back. Why? I'm accessing myself, and being near home means complicated things. Working at a company owned by a family member means there is no growth for me. Having a quarter-life crisis is very difficult. You always felt trapped by the things that you wanted to do. You lacked inspiration, motivation, and willingness. At the age of 23, I thought that I was too old to do things on my own, that I could cope with my life, and tried to be as independent as possible. If I can do things and decide things on my own, I will. But today, my mom helped me again; she reached out to different people, asking if they knew places or companies where I could apply. She did it; she found one. All I am going to do is comply with the things that are needed, and hopefully I am qualified. I'm not that expressive about what I feel to my family because of the things that happened to me in my past life, and it's very rare that they would actually pay attention and listen to me. They say that wonderful things come to those who wait and believe. I hope this is my answered prayer after so many days of worry and breakdowns due to stress over my future. I will always be grateful for the good and bad things that happen to me. Both are necessary for my existence. It aided me in becoming better, realizing things, learning many lessons, and growing. 02|03|23 - 1:50am

I believe the Lord has already given me one of the validations that my life has desired. For the past few years, I've asked myself, "Am I a bad person?" Am I not a good friend? Where did I go wrong? "Why do people keep abandoning me?" "I'm a good kid," I tell myself. I hate putting the people around me in risky situations, especially when I am around. I am more of a sacrificial person; I don't mind putting myself second as long as you are comfortable and okay. I'm a giver, and I like giving gifts. I always see something that reminds me of you, so if I do, I don't hesitate to buy it and give it to you. Most of the time, I am aware of myself and my love language, and seeing people genuinely receive those gifts makes my heart sing. The difficulties and the unexpected breakdowns along the way are all present. That desire to give up is hard. that feeling that you want to rest, to give yourself peace, but then you remember the people that keep you going. So in connection with what I have said in the first line, the Lord sent me these beautiful souls that I didn't imagine would make my life bearable. Some of you may say it's too early to say this because you're happy or overwhelmed by the things that have happened lately. But, in my opinion, it's better to be thankful now than to mess up later. I don't want to live with regrets. and by means of validation, he only proves that everything I felt was valid. He shows me that I'm really a good person with a big heart for everyone. He shows me that I won't suffer alone. He shows me the light through your beautiful smile and laughter. I'm so grateful for that. 01|27|2023

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If there are things I learned during the time that I lost, one of the best companions in my life is that not all the people you expected will comfort you. Sometimes, those unexpected people will imprint something in your heart that you will treasure the most because this is how you thank and appreciate them. I also learned that it's okay to be selfish and say "NO" if you don't want to. It's okay to express how you feel, and you don't have to be embarrassed in showing how weak you are to others. It's okay to stop pretending you are okay even though you are not. That its okay to let everyone know that you are unstable because not everything you do depends on their judgments; keep in mind that it is for you to decide what you will do in your life as long as it would help you to be better, to find and feel at peace. Because you are struggling and fighting for it, why are you bothered about what others think about you and what you can do? Every time you choose to wake up, every day only shows that you are trying your best to keep it together, no matter how draining your life was. Still, I'm proud of you. I also learned that being such an understanding person these past few months is enough to help someone out. We don't know their stories, we don't know how they deal with their lives, and We don't know how terrible it has been for them. Still, one thing is certain: being understandable can help them feel validated and as if they don't have to overthink minor details since you understand and are assuring them that everything is okay, that everything between you is perfect. Also, it's okay to cut some people off, especially when you feel that they have this energy that keeps pulling you down. I know you will feel bad about it because of "SAYANG," but is it worth it? I know you are being hopeful but think about yourself; it would lessen the burden you are carrying; I know it's hard, but it is part of the process, and eventually, you will grow into it. It's okay to think of yourself first before anyone else. Just do what you think is good for you.  

Do you know why I'm usually hesitant to talk about myself or how I feel on a daily basis? Because I constantly put my faith in the wrong people. I'm not sure what's going through their heads while they're listening, but I'm certain they'll all betray me. It's frightening when people start asking you how you're doing or whether you're feeling well, since you never know what their intentions are. Are they genuine? Maybe they just want to know something about you so they can gossip about you behind your back.  Think about how horrible the people are. You assumed they'd be there for you, but it turns out they're simply a bunch of folks who keep raising your anxiety and helping you unleash another fear. Isn't that ridiculous? Why can't people just be nice, helpful, and kind? Why can't they just do that? Human nature is incredibly unpredictable.

All I can say is that you should live your life to the fullest while you still have the chance. But I hope it teaches you something. For everything you've ever done. I won't ask or hope for those things to come after you, but I hope you'll learn from it and help yourself grow. We may be suffering for the time being, but I hope you don't feel any worse when you realize we're all gone.

It's difficult to love someone, especially if they aren't yours. You won't know until you actually love that person, or until you constantly questioning if you truly do. Even if it hurts so badly, you won't understand why you worried so much for that individual. But do you know what's harder? You continue consoling the person who is causing you pain while ignoring it because you don't want them to endure further suffering. I believe that is how love functions. You are gradually losing your selfishness and forgetting that you are more significant than anyone else.