Top of the World

Graham was honestly surprised that she opened the door for him. Even though he knew he fucked up majorly, and he had no idea how to fix it. But, with the door now open, he took a few steps in, and saw her on the ground. With a weak smile, he sat down in front of her. The boy debated on whether or not to take her hands, but decided against doing that. “I am so sorry. I’m sorry I was a hypocrite. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry for how tonight went. If you want me to leave, I’ll do that. I just – hell, I don’t know. Madison…. I really like you. And that’s scary for me. I’m used to just caring about myself, and that’s it, but you changed that. Honestly, you’ve been what I think about every day since about, oh, I don’t know… January?” He shrugged his shoulders before tilting his head to the side, waiting for a response. “Just tell me if you want me gone, and I’m gone.”

Madison watched Graham as he moved into the room and take a seat. She didn’t know what to say. Or, rather, she didn’t know what she wanted to say. So, she kept her mouth shut, leaning her head on her knees. She watched Graham intently while he spoke. Blinking, while he spoke, Madison slowly allowed herself to smile at the boy. Madison didn’t know what to do right then, because she really wanted to hug him. In fact, she really wanted to kiss him. But she just relaxed her position and reached to take his hand in hers tentatively. Willing to let go if he seemed like he didn’t want the contact. And despite her anger, her heart really won out while she replied. “I don’t want you to go. I never have.” she spoke softly. She sat up, on her knees and leaned slightly closer to him. “Please don’t go.” Madison spoke again. 

“I was pissed because I actually liked you then!  And because I saw it with my own eyes. See, when I hook up with people, I can keep it a god damn secret, and I’m not about to show the world.” He knew he wasn’t making his case any better for himself, but he didn’t know what else to say, he just wanted to defend himself. Graham tilted his head back and groaned. “Are you saying you would have wanted me to told you the day after it happened? At that point – it wasn’t even – it would have been weird if I told you!” He watched as she walked to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. He waited a few minutes before doing anything – unsure of what to do. With a defeated sigh, he walked over to the door, knocking softly. After no reply, he called out, “Madison? I’m sorry…” He tried the door, seeing if it was locked, and it wasn’t. “Can – Can I come in?”

Madison sat on the floor in her bathroom, leaning against the cabinet under the sink. She had her legs curled up against her chest and her arms wrapped around her tightly. Was she mad? Was she hurt? She didn’t know if she was more one than the other. She heard the knocking, but couldn’t bring herself to answer. Madison bit her lip, honestly doing her best not to cry at that moment. She didn’t want to cry, nor did she want to scream. She just listened as Graham spoke, tilting her head to the side and looking at the door. Why did this hurt her so freaking much? Why couldn’t this have been easier? Why did his voice have to break her so much? So, Madison waited a couple more minutes of silence before finally opening the door with one hand, and looking up at Graham from her position on the floor. She gave him a defeated look, and didn’t say anything. She wanted to say that she was sorry for her outburst, but in a way she really wasn’t sorry. She was mad, and didn’t she have a right to be? So, she looked at Graham from her curled up seated position and waited for him to speak. Because she sure as hell wasn’t going to be the first to talk. 

Graham looked at her, his face changing from anger to confusion. “Why does that matter? Jesus Christ! I’m trying to tell you that you’re always on my mind and this other sappy shit, and you held on to that piece?” He ran his fingers back through his hair. “Also, we were hardly a thing when I hooked up with Janet. I don’t think I even told you I liked you at the point. So, you know, it doesn’t really fucking matter. I already told you. I’m not mad at you for kissing that guy anymore. I’m over it. What I’m not over, is the fact that I can’t stop thinking about you.” The blonde went back to pacing, not realizing what he just said. 

Madison shook her head, standing up from her bed looking at the blond boy. Biting her lip she raised her hand to her head. “You mean to tell me that...you got mad at me for making out with some random high school loser and meanwhile you were hiding the fact you” she used air quotes because like Madison knows what hooked up means. Does it mean sex? Does it mean clothes off? Madison’s a noob. “hooked up with your ex-girlfriend?” She wrinkled her nose, shaking her head as she walked toward him. “I don’t care. God damn it Graham I do not care that we were barely a thing the fact is whatever we were you kept that from me. And you were pissed at me?” Covering her face for a second Madison didn’t know if she was angry or hurt. So, she didn’t say anything except look at him for another minute, lip quavering like she wanted to talk--like she was going to cry and then she walked over to her bathroom door and closed it on him, sitting down on the ground. 

His eyes widened at her, practically annoyed. “No. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m over all of that shit. I’m over you kissing that guy. I’m over all of it. I don’t care about that anymore.” Graham started shaking his head, continuing to pace. “It’s your fault that I’m acting like this. God dammit, Madison. The fact that I was literally that worried about you – I hated that. I tried to get over it. I tried to get over you. I did some things I regret. But, hey. Whatever I did, you were on my mind. And I fucking hate that.” He could feel his voice starting to raise, and at this point he didn’t care. “Sure, I was hurt over the fact that you kissed some other guy. But, I did worse when we were sort of a thing. I just – I can’t get you off of my mind and I need that to stop. I don’t care how. But it needs to stop.” He wasn’t making himself very clear on what he wanted. Finally, he stopped pacing and just stared at her, unsure of what to do next.

Madison let Graham talk at her, watched as he paced. The girl just sat down on her bed, curled up against the headboard. She sat up straighter a couple of time and almost told him to stop pacing, to just sit down and talk without pacing. The pacing was freaking her out. And honestly she took everything he was saying in. Each word hitting her harder than the last. She had honestly fucked up more than she could have imagined. She was sorrier than she could express, but she just watched Graham, with her eyes wide and sad while he spoke. And when he finished she couldn’t think of anything to say. Was this over? Did he want to stop talking to her? Just have her go to college and forget all about Graham? Because, God, that was the least likely thing to happen. Madison could not forget about Graham, and she didn’t want to. But there was one thing that stuck with her, and she blinked looking at him when he stopped pacing. It came out small, quietly. Like a worried child. “What do you...mean you did...worse?” 

“It’s a huge band-aid. What are you talking about?” he asked, with a scoff following. Graham hated acting this way around people, but he couldn’t help it with Madison. She was the one person that could actually make him talk. He hated that. She had total control and she didn’t even know it. “Stop saying you’re sorry,” he practically demanded, but in a soft tone. Rolling his eyes in a frustrated manner, he turned his head look at Madison. “If this leaves this room, I’m gonna be really pissed off. Got it?” he asked, with an eyebrow up. He knew he could trust her with this stuff, she wasn’t him. Graham sighed and titled his head. “I’ve been worrying about you ever since we stopped seeing each other. I had – well – have no clue if you’re over me. If you’ve moved on. If you’re okay. I hate it. I hate not knowing what you’re doing. And I sound like a god damn chick flick.” Frustrated with himself, he stood up and just started to pace around the girls room. “This is all your fault.”

Madison sighed softly, looking at Graham, “It doesn’t hurt that much.” she curled up on the bed. She was beside him, but facing him. Close enough to lean in and kiss him, but far enough not to scare him away. Her hand rested on his shoulder for a little longer than it should have and the girl blinked at him with a sad expression with his demand to stop saying sorry. Without thinking she spoke again, “Sorry.” Not like there was anything else to say except sorry for saying sorry too many times correct? So she just shrugged her shoulders and looked at him because she couldn’t speak but God was she so sorry. For more than whatever it was she was admitting to being sorry for now. What was that again? Lying about how bad the cut had been? Well, she was sorry for so much more than that, and hearing him speak Madison almost fell against herself. That was harder than she expected to hear, though granted she didn’t expect to hear that from Graham. Not just then. So, she looked at him and stayed silent while he spoke. “I know.” she replied, once he finished talking, her eyes glancing downward at her hands that rested in her lap. “It is my fault. I know.” Tilting her head to the side and turning her glance up at Graham the girl spoke again, softer. Quietly she admitted, “I haven’t though. Moved on. Gotten over you.” Shaking her head, Madison sighed softly as she ran a hand through her hair, “I don’t know if that makes things better or worse. But there, I said it.”

Graham wasn’t sure what he wanted to happen tonight. He missed Madison, that much was obvious, but he was sorta playing this whole thing by ear. But then he sort of fucked it all up by doing what he did. Taking a few steps back, he sat back down on the bed, supporting his head with hands. He was surprised that he didn’t notice that as soon as he walked in the door. “That band-aid is huge, Madison.” Soon after, a scoff escaped from his lips. “You are aware that I’ve been – you know? Never mind. Forget I said anything about your band-aid, what I just did, and let’s start over.” Taking a deep breath, he looked back around the room. “Your room looks nice.”

Madison watched Graham with sad eyes as he backed away from where she stood. Why was this so damn difficult? she asked herself, puffing out a breath of air while she listened to him speaking. “It’s not huge.” The girl retorted. But after a moment, she replied in a soft voice, her gaze down at the ground, “I’m sorry.” Then she walked over to her bed and took a seat, curling her legs up underneath her while she sat and gently resting her hand on Graham’s shoulder tentatively, and it was basically the first contact they’d had. Looking at him, she gave him a small smile. “I’m sorry.” she repeated, looking at him. Shaking her head, Madison spoke again after he finished, only then realizing her hand was still on his shoulder, so she dropped it to her side and spoke, “Don’t start over. If we start over it’s going to be an awkward repetition this whole night. I don’t...want that.” she blinked looking at him. Then she spoke again. “So, you’ve been what?” Madison asked, carefully speaking. 

Graham was confused as to how she was keeping it together so well. Sure, he was happy, ecstatic, really, to see her, but not seeing her for months made everything between them awkward. Listening to Madison, he realized the lack of stuffed animals, which he wasn’t sure how he felt about. Sure, back in the day they got in the way when they would start to make out, but he thought it was cute how she wasn’t ashamed of them. “It looks nice,” he repeated, walking over to her bed and sitting down on the end of it. He raised an eyebrow, and then laughed softly, which soon turned into a frown. “Jesus Christ,” he mumbled, standing up walking towards her, looking down at her. He was close to caressing her face, hand close to face and everything, but soon backed away. “I thought you said it was no big deal?”

Was Graham really completely fine with them being in the same room or was he putting on as much of a show as she was? Because, honestly, Madison didn’t know if she was supposed to sit and talk to him like no time had gone by and they were back before everything happened or if she would have to live with this kind of awkward atmosphere. Madison smiled, leaning against her desk as she watched him sit down on her bed. That was the one thing that hadn’t changed--the dark spotted bed sheets. Well, not that Madison had meant to change everything about her room it just wound up happening like that. She was about to shake it off like it was no big deal when it happened. He was right there in front of her. Close enough that she could feel his breath as he spoke. Close enough that, had she wanted, she could have leaned up and kissed him. But then, he backed away. So Madison shrugged her shoulders, replying in a soft voice, “It’s not that big of a deal. Could have been worse.” she paused for a split second and then without thinking she added in, “I didn’t want to worry you or anything.”

Graham followed Madison where she was walking and when he heard her talk, he just shrugged his shoulders. “Your room is fine.” He said, simply. Running his hands through his hair, he followed her up the stairs to her room, the room that he was quite familiar with. He looked around, stuffing his hands in his pockets, not sure where he would sit. With everything looking different, it set him off. “Uh – your room looks nice,” he mentioned. He was aware of how difficult he was being, but he was still hurt over what happened, except he needed to see her. The months they spent apart, he found himself spiraling down, nothing but writing songs and drinking. Looking around, he saw the broken bookshelf and chuckled. “You weren’t wrong. That thing really is broken.”

Madison walked up to her room with a little bit of a bounce in her step, more than there had been in a while because despite Graham and her talking for a little while again, this was the first real time she was face to face with him and it was just such a good feeling. Despite the awkwardness, honestly. So, she opened the door to her room and walked in, closing the door behind them. Pursing her lips, she watched as Graham looked around the room. It had changed some since they’d last seen one another; instead of splatter pain her walls were a dark purple, though you could still see the marks of the splatter paint. Her room was barren of most of her stuffed animals except a couple on her bed. “Thanks. I figured it was time for something a little more...simple.” she replied, turning her attention to the broke bookshelf when he spoke. Tilting her head to the side Madison pouted, and spoke with a tone to her voice as if they’d been talking all this time and nothing was weird, “The bookshelf already got it’s revenge. Don’t encourage another attack.” Madison said, pointing the the bandage on her head. It was one of those big square bandages that covered up the left side of her forehead right by her eye and cheek.

It had been a few months since he had really talked to Madison, and if truth be told, he missed her. There were times when he wanted to text her and tell her that he wanted to forget everything that happened, but he could never come off as weak. Now, here they were, a few months later, finally hanging out. He took the familiar drive back to her house, which only took under ten minutes. Graham sat in his car outside her house for a solid fifteen minutes before finally getting out and walking up to the door. After knocking, he took a step back and waited for somebody to answer the door. Seeing Madison, it felt like his stomach dropped, but he made sure to not show any emotion on his face. With a half smile, he nodded, walking in. 

Madison watched Graham carefully as he entered her house. In a way, it was like being hit with a ton of bricks after not seeing him for so long. But, she did her best not to express that feeling on her face, despite the familiar blush creeping up onto her cheeks. The girl closed the front door and walked away, giving him a smile because it was really all she could do right then and there. She didn’t even say anything, instead she started walking towards the staircase. She was a couple steps up when she turned back to look at Graham, “If hanging out in my room is gonna be weird we could hang out in the kitchen or something?” Madison asked, waiting on the step for his reply. Was this going to be difficult for them? Maybe. Would they get through it? Maybe. Did she desperately want things to be good again? So much so. So she watched Graham, with a hand on her hip and the other on the railing.