blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

You see, I, too, have been engaging in a kind of social experiement of my own, and, in a sense, I suppose this is how i've interacted with everyone in my life up until now (and probably in the future, tho the idea of suddenly stopping after making this post is really funny and gave me a hearty chuckle).

You see, I... have autism. That's right, the same autism many of you (who really like my lvl 40 red horse post, btw. it's kinda bizare how much yall like a screenshot I took of a certain twitch streamer's stream. I've never played that game btw, I just really liked that scene and thought you all (overgenerallizing the neurodivergency here for the sake of argument, I hope you can forgive me by the end of this post) would like it too, and you have, but, -- and I'm kinda sorry for this but in the way one says they're sorry for doing something they shouldn't have done but also benefited from and made them feel good? -- that post isn't me. Not the real me anyway. More like a facade curated specifically for my online persona and only my online persona.

What I'm trying to say is this tumblr account (and its sister account on reddit by the same name) isn't a real person and never was. I made it to try out different online personas until one stuck that I could call my own. Except none ever stuck. I've come to the conclusion that I'm kind of like a shell (or a chameleon, to use Cole's metaphor), someone who takes on the appearance of whatever situation I'm put in, because there's very little firm substrate with which to mold the social input into something I can output and be able to say, "that's me!") have. This obviously isn't autism. It's probably some form of sociopathy (possibly even psychopathy, given I've tried to delve into the inner recesses of my mind for my earliest memories, and, in an attempt to find a time I didn't think this way, disprove the idea I might simply be a psychopath. I haven't been able to so far, which is sad).

But the autism only serves to increase this behavior. It's really hard to make my own social identity when I see people laughed off their platform of choice because they make mistakes. What if I make a mistake, will I then be laughed off of here? Are the people here who I consider friends willing to bully me if I make a social blunder?