A Tea Party With Satan

I never wanted the burden of being in love. I never wanted the tears, the joy, the hope or the elation. As a little girl I never dreamed of my wedding, I never thought about how my prince charming would come rescue me from my horrid tower. I never dreamt about what my children would look like, or what kind of mother I’d be. Or the moment of excitement when I would find new life budding inside of me. I never yearned for a pair of warm safe arms to welcome me home, asking with such urgency about how my day was. I never wanted these things but alas I am here;

I am here. I am struggling. I am trying. You never fully understand the lovers card in tarot until you love another truly. I’ve always heard its like a mirror looking back at you, I found this easy to conceptualize when it’s in the context of loving yourself. But now, I truly understand it. Its the inability to run from your ugliest parts. Its your fears, your hopes, your dreams, all staring back at you. You put so much of yourself into your relationship, building a life with another human, you absolutely lose parts of yourself. When a caterpillar molts into a butterfly, we do not ask where its left its former self, do we? I suppose that because we find its second form as a butterfly as the better version. Like the caterpillar changing and growing into its butterfly form, we struggle in our relationships. But, we aren't alone while we are uncomfortable transforming. Our partner is there, loving us when we are our ugliest and in exchange we are there loving them in their ugliest form. I wonder, if the caterpillar knows in the end that they will become a butterfly, or do they just trust they are in the right place and what will be will be. How does he know he shouldn’t give up? Or should?

I was encouraged by my therapist to go through these common symptoms of my disorder and write how I feel about them. Which ones especially stick out to me.

Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

Yes. At times I will repress what I am feeling or want to say because I’m afraid of hurting the other person, potentially ending the relationship.

Are you always worried about others opinions of you?

I want to be liked, I want to be viewed positively. I am torn because I feel like this is a common feeling for humans. But somehow its a codependent behavior.

Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?

Potentially. My mother used alcohol excessively at points in my life while I was living with her.

Have your ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? 

I have felt belittled by my entire family at points. My ideas were never good, I was always too much, too loud etc. My grandmothers were always picking at me, telling me what I needed to do to be “pretty” or “enough”.

Are the opinions of others more important than your own?

With people that I have relationships with, yes.

Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?

I don’t adjust to change well, I like feeling comfortable, and safe.

Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?

Yes.

Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?

I doubt my ability to do most things.

Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?

Yes, if I feel like they will be offended by what I say.

Have you ever felt inadequate?

Yes.

Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?

Depending on the subject matter of what I have made a mistake with, yes. For instance if I get something for my partner and its “wrong” I feel awful.

Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?

Yes. Over the years I have learned to put on a show if acceptance but, I don't really feel the compliment or the generosity of the gifting.

Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?

Yes. I am unsure why I feel like they should display the same level of trying to get things right as me.

Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?

In some ways, yes.

Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?

Sure. But, I also don't think this is a unreasonable desire.

Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?

Yes, now more than ever.

Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?

I can say no in these situations but I still feel bad.

Do you have trouble asking for help?

Yes, I feel like a burden or a problem when I ask for help.

Do you have so many things going at once that you cant do justice to any of them?

Hi, hello, its me, again. My beautiful blog, my safe space. I treasure you.

Dear Alex,

First, I want to say that you didn’t deserve the amount of love I forced upon you. I emptied myself over and over again into you, in hopes that one day you would empty some of yourself into me. Instead, you took every drop of me, endlessly, without thought. I suppose I cant say I blame you, you were so so so empty. And here I was, willing to fill you up, without asking for much in return. I envy you for that, the ability to bleed someone dry without truly thinking about them dying from the lack of blood in their body because its now in yours. However, you do deserve love. See? See how I’m still trying to save you even at the end of this. I feel pathetic. I’m empty now, empty not because I’ve lost a great love but because I never had a great love. I gave all of my love and got nothing in return. I tried to mold and shape you into the partner I needed, but you never had the capacity to be that person. For this, I’m sorry. The start of our relationship was such an uphill battle, you were telling me to leave almost daily. Tell me how you didn’t deserve love, and being so confused why I was staying. I lost myself in this battle. I became fixated on “winning” you, of showing you how endless and boundless my love could be, if you would only choose me. Eventually, you did choose me. I think of this often, I wonder if it felt by force or perhaps it was an easy choice since I was validating and loving you daily, something you’d maybe never had. Either way, once we landed in a relationship, I was lost. Here I was, trying to give you feedback when you’d let me down, trying to communicate what I needed, you always promised you’d try. But that’s the problem. I was telling you, you deserved to be loved as you were and then I’d turn around and ask you to show up for me. You see Alex, you cannot show up for me or anyone. It’s so blatant that only through my fixation on you buying my love was I able to ignore it. You can’t show up for me because you don’t even know how to show up for you. You have no clue, and that’s your journey. So I suffered for months, trying to make this into what I knew it would never be. Bleeding myself dry, day after day, in hopes one day you’d choose or learn to love me the way I needed. Our intimacy fell flat because we were both forcing something we knew wasn’t what we really wanted. Yet again, I convinced myself that I was attracted to you and I wasn’t. I feel completely awful admitting that but its true. I never wanted to have sex because you didn’t turn me on. I spent many of our moments waiting for them to end, or figuring out how to end them. I thought this was me, my trauma, my issues but, it was just a lack of attraction in the end. Though, I could be wrong and you will never admit it if I am right, I think you felt similarly about me. I don’t think you were attracted to my body, you were attracted to the way I could make you feel so good about yourself. For the seconds I could give you free from the hate that burdens your soul. But this attraction has no place in sex. In the end, I abandoned myself again. I drowned her out with the promise that you’d love me one day, she would see, you’d care eventually. I let her go, assuring myself that I didn’t need to love her anymore. We had someone else that would, if we could just hold on a little longer. But, this was a lie. I held myself under the water until the screaming stopped. I let my lifeless body sink to the bottom of the pond and continued pursing this relationship. In the last 48 hours, I’ve swam down to the bottom of that pond, I slowly but surely dragged her out. I breathed air into her lungs, I gave energy and warmth to her heart and she came back to me. And when she returned she didn’t ask why I drowned her, she never wondered why I let her sink, she simply held me, and told me she loved me so much and we would rebuild together. My dear Alex, this was doomed from the start, Im sorry I didnt walk away, not for your sake, but for mine. I will miss the laughs, the small moments of affection. But, I wont miss everything I let you take from me. I hope these things carry you on your journey to finding how to take care of yourself. I suffered so I hope you reap the benefits of all that I poured into you. To the parts of you I loved, I’ll always love them. To the rest of you, do they fucking work and rid yourself of these rotted pieces of flesh that keep you buried in your own trauma. And please, don’t look me up when you get to the top of the hole you’ve buried yourself in.

Best,

27 and here we are. We have arrived.

Another year of hell, heartache and existence.

The entire time you were speaking on the phone I was thinking of how to break up with you, if I could do it right then and there. I was thinking “I cant do this, I can do this” it repeated in my mind over and over. I truly don't know if this person will ever be stable, if they will reach their goals and I can keep someone like that in my life as my PARTNER. I work because I want to experience life, I enjoy working hard and doing things well. ( Fuck that capitalist narrative tho)

I was so excited, my first valentines day EVER with a partner in 27 years, and yes its a hallmark holiday but it was a day, a day to hang out, to love each other, to spend with each other. You tell me about this job opportunity, then you tell me you might have to work on valentines day.....OH sure sure sure. I didnt buy a vintage valentine for you, and I didnt order a whole dessert box for us...go ahead just cancel our plans. I felt petty, but then you said you were going to dinner with your friends Saturday so we couldn’t hang that day. “But I’ve been planning this with them for awhile” LIES you told me you forgot it was his birthday when you were suppose to go last week and cancelled. SO WHY AM I NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO MOVE YOUR PLANS???

I’m your partner, I always show up for you, I’m just asking for you to show up for me. I spend our phone calls trying to convince you that you have value and you dont need to go on this medication. WHY? Why am I doing this to myself?