sit still, look pretty

““I don’t love him,” she says to herself. And she tries to believe it. She really, really does.”

“I’m scared that it’s always going to be you and we fucked it up and everything else we do is going to be some kind of haunted. I’m scared that I’ll find your ghost living everywhere. That 30 years from now I’ll be standing in the kitchen of my own home and the windows will be wide open. My husband will be sitting on the counter behind me talking about the financial report on the newspaper. The kids are somewhere upstairs. And my hands will tighten around the cup of tea that I’m holding and I’ll remember that your ears were always slightly too big for your head, that I nibbled on them, that you listened to music with your eyes closed, that you held me like I was something important, that it felt like forever even though both of us knew it wasn’t. And who can feel that kind of regret and not be crippled with it? Who can say, without a tremble, that we loved and that it was beautiful and full, and somehow that it still wasn’t enough?”

“i’m not good at being in one piece. i shatter infinitely. i am always ruining something. but you: you see me like i’m strong. like if i held my hands together, i could bond the universe together instead of tearing it asunder. you look at me with this heady mixture of awe and love and bottomless trust. you, who is so effortlessly kind and genuine and understanding. you, too good for me, too pure and real and full of the bright sun. you look at me like i’m your one. so maybe i can’t take showers with the lights on and maybe most nights i wake up covered in cold sweat and maybe responsibility gives me the same sickness as heights - but for the way you look at me - for you, i will fight.”

“Pour yourself into me and I will not let a drop of you hit the ground.”

“Howl if it helps, but I’ve seen the best of you. Your worst doesn’t scare me.”

“Did I fall in love with him? Perhaps. Was that really so bad? So what if he wasn’t mine to love? I loved him anyway, I loved him in spite of it.”

“I’m not the daughter of a dog. I’m the daughter of a wolf. There are six of you, what’s that to me? You’re men. Well, I’m a woman. I’m not afraid of you, not one bit.”

“You can’t lose something that wasn’t ever yours. But I still feel I lost so much anyway. The strange thing is, it’s not the big things I thought it’d be. It’s just tiny little details. I’m gonna miss seeing your name pop up on my phone. I’m gonna miss that hour-long drive. I’m gonna miss when you’d hold my hand and my heart would race, even if I didn’t want it to. I’m gonna miss you, collapsed on top of me, and feeling your warmth. I’m gonna miss how it feels to have your arms wrapped around me. I’m gonna miss random conversations that were sometimes dangerously close to drifting beyond the surface. I’m gonna miss your voice. I’m really gonna miss your smile. But there’s nothing to miss, I guess. And you told me I have a right to be upset but the truth is, I don’t. You never promised me anything. I’m missing something that wasn’t mine.”

“A princess is chained to a rock – oh, what’s that? You know how this story goes? Yes, yes, but listen – listen. A princess is chained to a rock and there’s a prince on a pegasus flying over the seas – What? You know how this ends? Fine. Tell me how this ends. The prince saves the princess. Everybody lives happily ever after. (Oh, except the sea monster that never got her sacrifice. Oh, except Medusa, who lost her head and her maidenhood to the cruel games of the gods. Oh, except the princess, who lost her innocence, her trust, her love for her parents, her open heart. But that’s not how the story goes.) So, the prince and the princess fall in love, and they go back to her kingdom and – what now? You want a different ending? Happily ever after isn’t good enough? What do you want? Andromeda – taking revenge. Andromeda – facing her father. Andromeda – slaying the monster. Andromeda – saving herself. Oh, look at that. She’s broken her chains. Well, now you’ve done it. (And the constellations shift to say: HERE LIES ANDROMEDA SEA BEAST SLAYER PRINCESS AND HEROINE)”

“My hands are still shaking from nights spent not knowing how to want you.”