The Depths

And I don’t particularly miss her at all or anything she made me feel come to think of it. I miss the fact that I didn’t have to push for what I want sexually, or limit my enjoyment due to kink differences, or even worry about not being satisfied. It was effortless.

And the last thing she told me was that “I at least owe her a threesome—to give her that much if I was dropping her” and Ive thought about that for well over a year since that.

The innocent me who would’ve just seen her as I used to, when I would date one at a time, would’ve saw the kiss we had as something special. Pure. Raw. And I’m glad I killed that pathetic man because knowing that she fucked someone she wasn’t even “attracted to” all that much and because “why not” makes me realize that kiss couldn’t have meant jack shit to her, the way I didn’t want to admit it meant a lot to me, especially since she solidified that it DID hold romantic intentions to her in the end, and that would’ve crushed that man who used to see and care about one person at a time. But that was never to be found. And what racks my brain the most is I had a lot of those “my person wouldnt have done that” and the more I explored that rabbit hole the more I was entirely disillusioned. Especially since she densely suggested that the day we kissed be our anniversary despite all that. Over my dead fucking body.

But even in death, the memory of the old me haunts me, the romantic me. The what ifs I know too well bothers me still. And it reaffirms that I’ve made ALL the right choices in my life, every step of the way. I’ve prioritized not being the idiot every time, prioritized myself, and making quality memories. And I remind myself that no matter what, I always have to come first.

And most of the time I think of this, I truly wish I walked upon reading those. I was so happy in 2023 and I haven’t been no where near as happy as I was that year and even the year before that. But it helps that I threw all my morals out the window for most of 2023, joined the rest of the filth that is this society. I also enjoyed making some girls cum ridiculously hard for me, some even to the point of almost passing out. Pissing off my neighbors with all the screaming. I even remember having two girls blowing me in the same day for Valentine’s Day. It was such an amazing day. I forgot what it felt like to be completely deepthroated. I’ve been so lucky as a man. But i also manifested it all. It was all meant for me.

I had a girl from the apps come visit me at work and sucked my dick until I finished. Then I hung out with this other girl I can’t remember. We got to fuck and I got to creampie her and we went another round and she finished me off with her mouth. The days that I get to cum more than once honestly make me so happy. And there was a lot of those days in 2023.

Sometimes I’ll think about the kind of head my ex gave when I get those thoughts from the journey out of my head, as if to cancel them out. Mainly because if I’m going to deal with thoughts of the past that don’t concern me, I rather think about how much I turned her into a mouth whore cum dumpster. Where I got to a point where I’d grab her hair in a fistful and push her head towards my cock and tell her to open, and I’d end up throat fucking her before letting her do the work for me. I think about how she loved getting me close and shoving every single bit of me down her throat (which ALWAYS amazed me) where I was cumming down her esophagus as she would milk me with her throat somehow. To think there was only 3 girls ever that could deep throat my entire cock. And one of the hardly counts as she struggled to put the whole thing down. And I’ve had a LOT more blowjobs than sex.

Highlights:

Ex friends and my cousin, who I don’t talk to at all, were friends with my girl and I was extremely uncomfortable

Girlfriend did not give a shit about anything, nor seemed to care about me much

I was a secret agent on a mission in a later part, infiltrating my uncles house for an item

Got shot at by my own family, shot back. (which tbh wouldn’t surprise me one bit. My extended family is a bunch of cunts.)

I got shot near my spine, bumped into a cop as I was fleeing the scene, and he looked at the would and told me that I was going to lose the ability to walk for sure.

Then I decided life was not worth living, and I raised my gun at him, knowing he would end me.

a quote I’ve lived by for ages.

Apparently she also out of the blue told me “We need to talk, about us.” yesterday.

The ecstasy you’d feel the first time you held someone’s hand you cared deeply about.