My Fanfics & Fandom Thoughts

Hinata squawks. He feels the blood rushing to his face. And then he feels the terror closing in on his throat. Kageyama must know. He must be making fun of him. That’s why he’s inviting Hinata to cuddle. He’s mocking him. He knows Hinata wants to kiss him and now he’s mocking him... 

“Shut up, Bakageyama,” Hinata croaks. He hopes Kageyama can’t hear the quiver in his voice. “You’re so stupid!”

Kageyama blinks. And then, anger hardens across his face. “What the hell, dumbass,” Kageyama hisses. “I’m just trying to help you.” 

Hinata feels his own anger flare up. It’s easier to be angry than afraid and overwhelmed and distraught and a hundred other emotions that he isn’t prepared to deal with right now. 

“No you’re not!” Hinata shouts, his fists clenching. “You’re just being stupid!” He hates how uncreative his insults are right now, but it’s hard to be creative when you feel like your heart is climbing up your throat and plugging your airways. When you feel like the gym floor has been ripped out from underneath you and suddenly there’s the threat of everything, everything changing, everything collapsing... Hinata feels tears welling up in his eyes. He blinks them away before they have a chance to spill over. “Just leave me alone, Bakageyama.” 

Kageyama’s nostrils flare. “Fine! God, you’re so annoying!” 

“You’re annoying!” 

“Shut your stupid face, I’m going to sleep!” 

“Me too! So shut your stupid face!” 

Kageyama casts him a final glare, then lies back down on the floor and rolls over, turning his back to Hinata. 

And that’s when Hinata allows the tears to spill over.

***

Kageyama grits his teeth as he curls in on himself. 

That stupid dumbass.. He was just trying to be nice. Kageyama knows he isn’t very good at being nice, but he was trying. What did Hinata go and get all pissy at him for? Stupid idiot, stupid dumbass...

Kageyama tries not to be concerned about him. Tries not to wonder what kind of horrible nightmare had Hinata flying into a panic in the middle of the night like that. He tries to shut his eyes and go to sleep... 

And then he hears snuffling sounds. 

Kageyama’s eyes fly open. For a moment, he just lies there, frozen, waiting to see if he’ll hear it again. When he does, his heart cracks. 

For a brief second, Kageyama wrestles with himself. Hinata has made it very clear that he doesn’t want Kageyama to try to comfort him. He should really just ignore him. Just let the idiot cry himself to sleep... 

The brief second is over. 

Kageyama gets up and is before Hinata in an instant. Pulling the idiot against his chest, tucking his head over his, squeezing him tight, tight, tight... 

Hinata breaks apart and sobs, his fingers grasping at Kageyama’s shirt and hanging on for dear life. “I—I’m sorry,” he stammers in between hiccups. “I promise I can ignore it. I didn’t even know I w-wanted to before tonight so I can t-totally ignore it. Things can go back to n-normal. I promise. Just don’t stop s-setting to me. And p-please don’t stop eating lunch with me either or w-walking with me to s-school or p-practising with me extra... I p-promise, things can just be n-normal...” 

“Dumbass, what are you even talking about?” Kageyama murmurs into Hinata's hair. He has no idea what Hinata is going on about, but this is obviously some kind of mental breakdown after a nightmare. Kageyama will comfort him. He'll comfort him, he'll hold him until he stops crying...

“It was just one time!” Hinata wails, burying his face in Kageyama’s shirt. “I only wanted to kiss you one time!” 

Kageyama’s body goes stiff with shock. Hinata continues wailing and stammering hysterical words. But Kageyama can’t hear him anymore. He can only heart those last words, ringing over and over again in his mind, like a tape recording of an opposing player’s serve that he’s set on loop to study.

I only wanted to kiss you one time... 

I only wanted to kiss you one time...

Hinata wanted to kiss him?? When?? How had he missed this?? How could he possibly have missed this when he’d been pining after Hinata this whole damnable year?? 

Hinata is banging his head against Kageyama’s chest now and sobbing something incoherent. Kageyama grabs him by the shoulders and holds him at arm's length. “When?” he demands breathlessly.

Hinata blinks, his wet eyelashes fluttering and shedding tear droplets. “Wh-what?” 

“When did you want to kiss me?”

Do you still want to? Can I convince you to still want to? Do I have a hope after all...?   

Hinata tilts his head. “You mean, you didn’t know? But... why did you suggest we snuggle then?” 

“Dammit, Hinata,” Kageyama groans. It’s half exasperated, half desperate. “I have absolutely no freaking clue what you’re talking about. When did you want to kiss me?” 

Hinata’s gaze shifts to the side. He clears his throat. “Um. I was just joking.” 

Kageyama lets out a sound like someone being strangled to death. No. No he is not letting the turd-face get away with that. 

“Hinata!" he shouts, shaking the dumbass like a rag doll. “I have wanted to kiss you every second of every day for this whole freaking year so if you want to kiss me too you’d better TELL me and if you don’t you’d better also tell me or I’m just going to DO it, I’m just going to kiss your stupid face!!” 

Hinata is gawking at him. His eyes are practically hanging out of their sockets and his jaw appears to have come completely unhinged. “Wh... Whaaaat?” 

That’s not an answer. That’s not a freaking answer and Kageyama is losing his freaking marbles, he needs to get away from Hinata now or he really is just going to kiss him, and Hinata still hasn’t said he wants that so he can’t, he can’t...

Kageyama shoves Hinata away from him and jumps to his feet. He’s ready to run—forgetting for a moment that they’re locked in here and there’s nowhere to run to—but Hinata tackles him from behind. Kageyama’s legs buckle and he face-plants. Hinata lands on top of him, flat against his back, knocking all the air out of him. 

“D-dumbass!” Kageyama wheezes. 

“Why did you want to kiss me?” Hinata demands, his mouth at Kageyama’s ear. 

Kageyama screeches. He’s so done. He’s so, so done. 

“BECAUSE I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT!!”

He’s in love with him. He’s so, so in love with him and he’s so, so done , he can’t even care, can’t even be afraid about declaring a secret that he’s spent the entire year guarding with his life...

“Oh.” Hinata’s declaration is soft. “Huh. Well that changes things.” Kageyama has no idea what that means. 

He has no idea what it means when Hinata just stays there, lying on top of Kageyama’s back, for several silent seconds. 

He has no idea what it means when Hinata finally gets up and offers him a hand. 

No idea what it means when Kageyama takes the hand and Hinata helps him to his feet, their eyes locked on each other and their breaths held. 

Michael gawks for what’s probably several seconds. Then he lets out some sort of nondescript hiss and takes a staggering step backward. 

“What the hell, man! You can’t just—did you just barge into my room without knocking? I wasn’t wearing any pants!” 

Jeremy ducks his head. He’s silent for several beats. “I’m sorry,” he rasps finally. Barely loudly enough for Michael to hear. 

Michael isn’t stupid. He knows Jeremy is saying sorry for a lot more than forgetting to knock. 

This is Michael's opportunity. To be a good friend and smooth it all over. Tell Jeremy it’s okay. So they can go back to normal…

“Why are you here?” Michael asks instead. He hates how strangled his voice sounds. 

Jeremy blinks at him. His eyes are red, like he’s done way too little sleeping and way too much crying these past couple days. “I came to see you.” 

“Yeah?” Michael tries to stop it—the bitterness that instantly begins climbing up his chest. But it moves too quickly, and before he knows it, it’s scrambled up his throat and is popping out his mouth in the form of words. “So today is a day where you do want to see me? Not feeling the whole optic nerve blocking thing right now?”

He hates himself as soon as he says it. Hates himself even more when Jeremy’s face crumples, eyes and mouth scrunching up like he’s going to burst into tears right then and there. Michael feels his heart lurching in his chest towards Jeremy ... but his body stays rooted to the spot. His hands clenching into fists at his side. His face growing warm with anger and hurt and a thousand other clamoring emotions. 

“Michael,” Jeremy says weakly. “Please”—

“Please what? Do you really think you’re in a position to make demands of me right now? After you tried to fucking erase me?” 

Jeremy is crying. Tears splashing over his cheeks and chin. But he lifts that quivering chin and fixes his gaze squarely on Michael. “No,” he says. “No, I’m not in a position to ask anything of you. That’s not why I came here.” 

“Why did you come here then?” Michael bites the inside of his cheek hard enough to draw blood. He’s trying not to cry as well. 

“I came here because … because I thought you deserved a friend.” 

Michael stills. 

He stares at Jeremy, oddly tongue-tied. 

Jeremy lifts his chin even higher and tries to blink away his tears. “Michael … You have every right to hate me. You have every right to tell me to piss off and never talk to you again.” His voice quivers and he has to close his eyes and take in a few steadying breaths. Michael at once feels a surge of pride and a stab of pain as he watches Jeremy breathe in and out. Slowly. Just like Michael always prompted him to do. Jeremy opens his eyes and again fixes them on Michael. “I was going to respect that,” he continues. “I was going to stay away from you, if that was what you wanted.” His voice cracks horribly. His nostrils flare as he takes in another steadying breath. “But then I thought … Then I thought: Where would I be if that’s what you did?” 

“… What do you mean?” 

Jeremy takes to wringing his hands. “Back then … with the SQUIP … Jake’s party, the optic nerve blocking … Back then, I wanted you to stay away from me.” 

Michael closes his eyes weakly. Yeah. Yeah he knows…

“But you didn’t.” 

Jeremy's words ring between them, followed by an odd silence. Slowly, Michael opens his eyes. Jeremy is gazing at him earnestly, still wringing his hands. He looks like he might be about to twist one of his fingers right off.

“You didn’t stay away from me,” Jeremy repeats. “And thank God you didn’t. Cuz I would’ve freaking destroyed myself and the entire student body. Maybe the world. Not to mention that I … I … would have lost you. Permanently.” A massive tremor courses through Jeremy’s body. “I know that’s not exactly the position you’re in right now. I mean, being poised to destroy the world and all that. Or poised to lose the world’s most incredible best friend...” His brow twitches. “But …You said you were upset. ‘Pretty not happy,’ you said. And friends are supposed to be there for each other when they’re upset, right? You always have been for me…” Jeremy’s eyes are suddenly swimming. “So I figured I’d better go to you. Even if you didn’t want me. Because that’s what you would do. And you’re … you’re everything I need to be like. You’re the best best friend, Michael. And I don’t deserve you. But—But”—Jeremy hiccups and smears his hand under his nose. “But you do . Michael—you deserve a friend like you. You’re probably the only person in the world that deserves a friend like you. And if I need to be that friend in order for you to have what you deserve—then I’ll do that. Somehow, I’ll do that. Even though I’ve failed so, so badly in the past. Even though I’ve been the most terrible friend in the history of friends. I’ll be better. I’ll be the best. For you . Because that’s what you deserve. And Michael … Michael…” Jeremy has started shaking again. His hands are shaking so hard he can’t even wring them anymore. He can’t even use them to wipe at the tears and snot streaking down his face. “Michael…”

Michael steps briskly forward and catches Jeremy’s wrist. He lifts it to his mouth and presses a kiss to the inside. 

Jeremy quiets and stills. Even his shaking stops.

“… Michael?”