LYRIUM BROKEN

He shouldn’t have been doing this for a third time in nearly five days, but the Templar was lonely. There was only so much he could do to ease the pain, forget her and forget the memories of what they had and the place that had torn him asunder. His guard duty had finished and he’d taken his time deciding whether his trip to the Blooming Rose would be worth it. He’d felt strange lately, as if someone was watching him but he never saw a thing, at least not until today. There weren’t many people in the street tonight, maybe this was why he saw her. The sight nearly brought him to his knees. 

No — no it couldn’t be. Cullen’s mind was deceiving him, that was all it could be. He’d been awake for too long, he deemed, because there was no way he’d just seen her and yet, he followed anyway. Maybe he was a fool for doing so, maybe he’d have a laugh about it (he wouldn’t, he rarely laughed these days) later on, or maybe he’d simply allow himself this just to ease his mind. Elena had been a memory for too long now and he knew it. He’d been thinking about her lately, wishing he could see her one final time. As far as he knew, she was dead along with the many others. He would never see her again. 

And yet…

He followed the woman, not able to contain himself. He had to see, had to know so he could let this hope and memory go. He wanted to believe she was alive still, but he wasn’t even sure why she would be there. Why would she be in Kirkwall of all places? Unless she knew he was there, perhaps. No...why would she follow him if she had found freedom somehow? Coming here was simply an idiotic idea. Kirkwall wasn’t the safest place and she knew better or so he hoped. 

she could stand here caressing his face and whispering sweet compliments and words of praise to him for hours if not for the pain that hangs over their heads like dark grey storm clouds. the memory of kinloch is one best boxed up tightly and stored in the faraway reaches of the mind, buried beneath concerns about corypheus and the inquisition and how to address whatever dignitary was visiting that day. before she had the inquisition she would focus very hard on the distance between them, to the point that it nearly hurt more to do so than to unpack the memories of the incident that had separated them, but that option wasn’t available to her anymore because she had, in her own words, FOUND HIM. there was still distance, here and there, but it no longer came with the fear that she would never see him again.

not in the same way, at least.

❝ there are men who would not even have the courage to attempt what you have. there are men who would scoff at serving beneath a mage and turn their noses up at me. they would scheme behind my back and allow their soldiers to harm the mages i’ve brought into my care. driven by misplaced fear or some other foolish prejudice and too afraid to admit they’re wrong or try to be better. i’ve met these men. i have fought these men. and you are NOTHING like them. ❞ she tells him, leading him backward slowly until she feels his desk behind her. she hefts herself atop it, brow drawing together in concentration until she hears the locks on the doors click shut. a hint of privacy, if only because the conversation they’re about to have demands it. if nor for his reputation, than for her own.

❝ beneath all of it, you ARE still you. not the boy who was twisted and scarred in kinloch, but my cullen. the boy i used to daydream about running away with. the one i told my best friend i’d marry someday. i can prove it, too, watch- ❞ the fingers resting against his cheek wiggle free from his grasp, reaching back to run through his hair. she can’t mask the smile that pulls at her lips as she pulls his curls free. ❝ you still have the same curls. ❞ after, her fingers drift down to trace over his lips, ❝ and the same smile. ❞ she weaves her fingers between his,  ❝ you always try to do the right thing and you’re always thinking of how you can help people. and you… you still love me- ❞ she has to stop, like she’s become so overwhelmed she can no longer put her words together.

❝ a green templar with barely a year of experience and a harrowed mage who’d been in the tower for over fifteen years. ❞ she finally continues after a moment to breathe, ❝ regardless of rather or not it was your JOB, i should have put everything on the line to protect you. i had the training- i had the experience. if i had been there, perhaps it wouldn’t haunt us both the way it does. if i had been there instead of cowering in some closet like a child- ❞

Cullen doesn’t actually know how to feel. So many emotions are there, but he can’t focus on one and he feels it all caught in this throat. There is a ringing in his ears that seems to drown out everything she’s saying, but he’s watching her lips, following along. He couldn’t imagine anyone else leading the Inquisition and he’s never seen her as what she calls herself – a mage. In the very beginning, he’d tried to simply separate them by Mages and Templars, because it was easier that way but he couldn’t. “You didn’t see me in Kirkwall. I was horrible…I told – I told Hawke that mages weren’t people and I almost let myself fall into Meredith’s paranoia. I became a man I didn’t like, that I still hate. I had to hide your letters when they did come. I hid them from her because I was afraid that she’d try to find you. I follow you because I trust you because I’ve always trusted you. I know that you’re not capable of evil things, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t almost been one of those men.” He’d walked away from Kirkwall and tried to become someone new, someone he wouldn’t recognize, but no matter how much he changed his hair or clothes, he’d still be that man. He bows his head as he leans into her, against the desk and the noise that comes out of him is strangled.

His eyes meet hers and he draws in a breath, trying to calm himself. Was he still himself? Despite everything, was he still the young man who he’d been when he’d been assigned to Kinloch? The same boy who blushed when he saw her enter the hallway? The same boy who had shared his first real kiss with her in the kitchens after she made him sweets? She was too good for him, he knew it. She was the only person who saw directly through him and that was terrifying in a way. She loved him deeply and he knew it; he’d known it since Kinloch because he’d felt the same way. His lips do pull slightly at the corner, only because it warms him to hear these things, that she still finds him to be the same person she fell in love with, the same person she had wanted to marry one day. Something that could actually happen now that they were both free…he just wanted to be the man she deserved first.

Anon sent “be careful meredith doesn't find those nasty letters. you of all people ought to know what punishment she demands for mages who taint templars like that. and if she finds out it's happened to her second in command? thousands of miles and an ocean won't be enough to protect your little pet.”

Cullen sees nothing but red as he lurches forward and his fist closes around his fellow Templar’s throat. He has him against the wall within seconds and he can see the smirk on the male’s face because he knows he’s gotten exactly what he wanted, which was for Cullen’s demeanor to break. 

Declan had been at Kinloch with him, he’d seen how Cullen had been with Elena first hand. His lips pulled tight at the thought that he knew what the letter’s contained, that maybe he’d read them and that the content inside was no longer just his to keep and cherish in secret. “I guarantee you that she’ll never believe you. Do you honestly think she’ll believe you over me? I could snap my fingers and you’ll be dragged away under the suspicion of being a blood thrall.” His usual liquid gold eyes were hard as ever and he squeezed a little more tightly. 

Anon sent “fucking whores who look like her isn’t going to fill the gap she left behind and it isn’t going to make you feel any less guilty for failing her as a protector and a lover.”

It was pulling everything from him, taking every guilty thing from his conscious and using it against him. He’d never wanted to leave her at Kinloch, it had broken him to do so but he couldn’t bear to be there any longer. It was destroying him slowly, he wasn’t himself and he had to leave. Letters never seemed to make up for the distance between them and he had missed her dearly. But he had needs and falling into bed with whatever dark-haired woman that he could find who resembled her, never seemed to satisfy the hole inside him. 

He did feel guilty for it, he had felt it ever since he’d slept with the first girl and it only continued to get worse from there and the fact that he didn’t even have the nerve to tell her seemed to make it ten times worse. 

Anon sent “your family would be better off believing you're dead.” 

He feels like he’s just eaten shards of glass as he swallows down the words. He feels sick, the overwhelming feeling of self-hate washing over him and he finds himself believing the words all too quickly. This demon, it looks just like her and it’s almost impossible not to believe it. His hands press against his ears and he tries to ignore it, tries to push past the words it spews, the hate it bears down on him and he feels the bile rising in his throat and he vomits a second later. 

Its laughter trickles past the barrier he’s created for himself to keep its voice out and he drops his hands to the ground, knowing that nothing he does will keep it out of his head. The only thing that’s going to beat it is him getting off his knees and putting his sword through it and ending its life once and for all. 

there’s a part of her that wants to argue with him because even if she is the inquisitor, he has a right to his privacy and regardless of their relationship, she shouldn’t barge into his office. a knock or even just calling out through the door might have saved them from this heartache. and heartache is the only word that comes to mind to describe the feeling that grips her chest as she watches him. he doesn’t hide things well – but she supposes he never has. she’s always been able to read him, like a book left open right in front of her. she wishes she couldn’t now. wishes she could’ve been oblivious to the sorrow cole’s words have sparked to life within him, or at the very least able to ignore it and allowed him to work through it privately. she knows him well enough to know that he would prefer privacy.

but instead, she feels it, viscerally, in the core of her being. a long-forgotten ache that she had locked away upon becoming inquisitor because she couldn’t afford to be bothered by stale wounds. blood soaking into the soles of her shoes and the metallic scent of rot clawing it’s way up her nose. hundreds dead and demons shrieking in the halls and she doesn’t know where he is. she tries to ground herself in the sound of her name, leaning into his touch and allowing his words to wrap around her ankle and tie her down like an anchor. her hand reaches up to close around his wrist, clinging tightly even as it falls away from her face. ❝ you… ❞

her thoughts are somewhat scattered, latching on to bits and pieces of his statement and refusing to comprehend everything at once. it takes a moment for her to process what he’s said, but when she does she reaches up to cradle his cheek, thumb brushing over his cheekbone. ❝ you aren’t lost anymore, ❞ she finally manages, though the words sound somewhat choked, ❝ because i’ve found you, right? and i’ll ALWAYS find you. i wasn’t strong enough to protect you then, but i’m stronger now and i won’t- i won’t ever let anything or anyone hurt you like that again. so you don’t- ❞

she lets go of his wrist, blowing out a breath of air that causes the hair in her face to flutter like it’s been caught in a breeze, ❝ it has helped. look at where you are, cullen- you’re helping people. you’re protecting them. not just normal people but- mages too. i look at the things that you’re doing and i’m- i wish you could see yourself and your accomplishments the way everyone else does, love. ❞

Every single part of him is telling him to run. He’s never dealt well with having to actually explain himself and his flight response is kicking up, but he has to remind himself that this isn’t just anyone, this is the woman he loves and he’s able to talk to her about anything if he so pleases. Ellie has never turned him away, not for anything and he takes a deep breath, rubbing his hand over his face. He actually lets his demeanor falter and feels about two feet tall, but he needs to talk about this and get it all out. He can’t keep bottling it in, no matter how badly he desires to. 

Her hand holds his wrist and he carefully finds her eyes and it’s hard because it’s like she can see right into his soul. She’s the only person who knows him better then he might even know himself. His fingers come to slip over her hand, holding it to his face and he leaned into her palm, feeling her warmth. “Aren’t I though? I’m trying so hard but between the nightmares and the worry – I feel like I’m not giving the Inquisition everything I have. I’m not even giving you everything you deserve. It’s like part of me is still locked in that tower, trapped and not able to get out. You’ve found me, but part of me feels like it’s missing.” He slid his fingers between hers and pulled her closer to him. He needs to feel her warmth near him, to have her closer. 

“You weren’t supposed to be the one to protect me, don’t you see? I was supposed to protect you. That was my job...I had one job and I couldn’t even do that right. Just like now, I let you leave to do this job...I should be with you out there. I – I wish I could forget it all, Elena. I wish I could, but it’s so hard.” 

“Oh, this and that.. gods and legends and tales of our people from long ago.” Brow scrunches in thought. Coming up with answers on the spot has never been her strong suit, especially when it comes to her people’s lore. Eyes focus on the board as he resets it, tips of her ears turning a light pink from being unable to answer his question quickly. “I was never very good at my studies, though. Unfocused, the Keeper says. I always was better at the real world stuff, with taking care of our clan and keeping us safe.” A small smile then. “But our Second, Fiien, she’s really good with the lore. We tended to work in tandem.”