To the same Degree, A Burn in my eyes & my Heart
⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️ Domestic violence discussed.
The air in our small two-bedroom apartment became toxic. Oleoresin Capsicum disseminates through the living room after being emptied into Jeff’s face. “Ah! What the fuck Lyric!” Jeff yelled in agony as he sprawled across the carpet shielding his eyes. I stare at Jeff. I thought to myself, “Wow, this is the first time he seems vulnerable. This is the first time he may be at the level he had dragged me down to this whole past year.” My eyes scan the room as I stood in disbelief at what had just occurred. I was in shock; my hands trembling as I dropped the pepper spray onto the carpet. I began coughing heavily as the pepper spray fills the room. My mind begins racing through the events of the day that brought me to this point. I hurt the person I once called the love of my life.
The moment the altercation began, I already had lost the grain of hope I held towards what used to be an inseparable bond. I entered the two-bedroom apartment now in dismay from my lack of presence filling the home. Trash bags reeking of fast-food riddle the tables.  I brought a bag; planning to stay to attempt to work on the relationship with Jeff that had been falling apart before it began. It had been two weeks since I had removed myself from this lease and the air when I entered smelled different. This was no longer the home that we once shared. After a quick scan of the room, I noticed two things. Feminine socks plotted slightly tucked into the couch I had purchased for us. The paint-by-numbers photograph I had spent nearly 4 hours completing two months prior crumpled and ripped to pieces on the floor. I felt my blood beginning to boil. From the moment I stepped through the door, I knew that nothing has changed.
“So, what have you been doing since you left me?” Jeff stated with the tone of a cross-examination. I always noticed that most of his questions felt like more of an interrogation than a conversation. “Hanging out with friends. Smoking & crying to forget all of this.” I replied passively as the shrill of his voice instantaneously made the hair on the back of my neck stand ten stories high. Before I could finish my thought Jeff cuts me off, “What guys were there, huh?” I instantly felt the pit of my stomach drop. “Is he really interrogating me?” I thought to myself. The audacity was astonishing. I pointed left to the painting I made. “It’s nice to see you took care of the last of my stuff,” before motioning over towards the bright pink socks that were most-definitely not mine. “Whoever I was around isn’t leaving socks on our furniture.” His eyes scanned the socks, realizing the mistake he made by not cleaning up first upon my arrival.  If the floor was a target, his eyes the dart. Bullseye! I’ve never seen eyes dart to the floor so quickly. “Those are Mandy’s socks. She was here yesterday,” Jeff managed to stutter out upon his embarrassment. My breathing becomes shallower as a wave of unfortunate déjà vu washes all over me until it swallows me whole. I instantly knew that was a lie. Mandy, Jeff’s sister lives in Nebraska City nearly an hour from us. The fact that she unlike her brother is responsible, likely wouldn’t make the trip on a Wednesday. “You’re a liar,” I muttered as I feel tears well deep into my eyes. I look up at him; his hazel eyes that I once adored pierced my soul. He was no longer looking at me, but through me with clenched fists.
       I quickly try to grab my bag from the bedroom to make a quick escape as I feel all hope is lost for Jeff and me. “He’s never going to stop cheating. He will never learn to control his anger,” I thought to myself as I take a step toward my bag. Jeff charged toward me with the aggression of an aggravated bull. Upon reaching for my bag, I felt a tight grasped hand surround my wrist before jerking me backward into the wall, away from my stuff. “You aren’t going anywhere!” Jeff began to bark. Still wincing from what was my now bruising wrist; I peel myself up off the wall I was pasted across with fear like a mortifying painting. “Jeff, I don’t want to do this anymore. You continue to lie to me.” I mutter as the welled eyes I had now flooded my cheeks with the force of a river. “Please let me go.” I make a step towards the bag again; afraid of what’s next to come from Jeff. He grabs me again with a death grip by the wrist throwing me onto the scattered bed. Running to my bag he throws it like a curveball; full force into the back of the walk-in closet that used to be filled with my things. “Jeff, I want to leave, please let me go.” I take a hesitant step toward Jeff. The only thing standing in the way of my freedom is a grown man twice my size… I took a step to the right to try to pass him as he uses his full force to prevent me. “This feels like grade-school playground rules. Is he not going to let me leave?” I thought to myself making a step left to be met with blocking arms and claw machine hands attempting to grasp me as a prize won at a carnival. The barking continued, “What? No! Do you think you’re too good for me now? You know you’ll never make it on your own.” Jeff said almost as if he was proud of that statement. I felt disgusted. My confidence had dwindled with each cheat as it felt impossible to believe his every excuse. I thought to myself, “How dare he say I can’t survive on my own? I survived what felt everything except his heartbreak.” I take a quick step to the right-then left faking Jeff out to attempt a chance to get out of this situation. My fight or flight settled into flight mode. Based on Jeff’s aggression, running away felt like the safest option. Jeff tripped over his foot from a misstep and tumbled to the floor.
       I run to the kitchen island, frantically searching for my keys. I can hear my heartbeat in my throat as my entire life flashes before my eyes hearing Jeff strike the wall with closed fists.  He realizes I’m trying to get away. “Thump-thump, Thump-thump,” my heartbeat continues to race in an ascending beat. My eyes scramble across the island. Scanning down I see my keys; glistening bright red I spot my pepper spray. When my grandfather had given me the mace as a precautionary, I scoffed at the thought of ever having to use it. I pick it up quickly holding it up to Jeff. Standing six feet apart, in a western-style standoff I face Jeff with my hand on the trigger. “I’ve made it on my own for a very long time. Let me go!” I shouted at him. His face changed for a second in disbelief. It was the first time I hadn’t allowed him to control the situation. He raised his hands up, taking a step closer to me as I take a mirrored step back. “Lyric… Don’t be stupid. Put the fucking mace away!” Jeff looked as though he was ready to restrain me like a prison guard to an inmate. “You cannot keep me locked in here Jeff. This is not a relationship; it’s a prison,” I scream through the tears. I unlock the pepper spray and move it toward him to get him to take steps back. In one swoop, he lunged at me like a linebacker grabbing me at the hips and throwing both of us onto the couch. I lean back gasping for air as the force of his body crushes me into the wood frame embedded into the side of the couch. I reach my arm back pushing down onto the trigger with full force scanning the left side of his face to the right side. His piercing eyes glared back down at me nearly drooling like a wild dog. I gather the last of my strength as the final flutters of disbursed Oleoresin Capsicum trickle into my eyes as I sprayed up towards my target. My eyes burned like the gates of hell. I pushed Jeff off me onto the floor. I rush to quickly gather my bag and the items that spilled from being thrown away from me. With trembling fingers, I left Jeff rolling on the floor screaming in agony as I blew open the main door running to the top of the stair door and making a quick exit. “If I go to the elevator and he catches me, what would he do to me?”  I think to myself as I run down the first flight of stairs. The apartment rested on the seventh floor of the building. With each floor descending, I sob running down the stairs as memories of the years past run through my head. It felt as though I was running for my life. On the next flight down, I remember the first time Jeff grabbed my hand; it didn’t hurt. He used to make me feel so safe. “How could he continue to hurt me like this?” I thought passing the next flight and scanning the door marked floor 4. I keep looking back ready to be captured at any point. I ran faster; harder than I did in any sport before.
       I see the sun glimmering through the final door frame peaking from the lobby as I finally reach the bottom step. The sun burned my eyes, but I couldn’t give up. The prison upstairs seemed almost out of view. I turned the doorknob, gasping for air pushing it outward before running through the lobby doors to see bright-blue skies and hearing random passengers boarding the screeching greyhound busses. I look back one more time. Jeff was nowhere to be seen. I jog to my car still sobbing and shaking. I get in locking the doors behind me. The only other home I knew other than Jeff’s was my parents’ house. Catching my breath, I shift the car into drive and back out of the parking lot. My car passes the lobby doors and I see Jeff standing in the doorway with bloodshot eyes and closed fists. I had finally gotten away! The burning in my eyes to the same degree matched the burn in my heart as I know I must sever all ties with Jeff.
