written by lyric

i have reached a point where the hope i once held pride in feels more like a naive delusion i clutch closely to my chest. i am no longer proud. i am ashamed. ashamed of my continuous belief in humanity and lack of ability to distinguish the potential of a person from who they truly are. i am so blinded by what could be i have developed this insistent habit of allowing myself to be eggshells under the feet of those who don’t mind walking all over them. i am cracked in every crevice and crushed by my own hope that people could be who they say they are. or more who i want them to be. how silly of me. all i ever amount to being is a silly girl in the grand scheme of it all.

today was a good day. my emotions didn’t feel so heavy. i actually almost forgot they were pounding down on my back. today i went to my job and after that i conversed with an old friend at the kava bar as i sipped a lemonade and pretended to feel whatever they were feeling. then i showed up for my chiropractic appointment after ignoring all their messages the past week. and i came home and i half assed all my notes so i can see a paycheck (i can’t admit to myself i can’t bare to even attempt to use my brain) and i cooked for the first time in weeks (but then i checked the scale and suddenly i couldn’t even finish one taco) then i went to buy a bottle because i realized im all out of alcohol but i didn’t open it. i washed my bed sheets. i didn’t do my laundry but i did make sure i washed my bed sheets. i’m lucky to have three closets worth of clothes and fifty pairs of underwear at my disposal so none of this is really an immediate issue. i swept my floor so maybe i’ll sneeze less. i showered and i did my face routine (the one thing ive remained consistent with) and i almost forgot you were leaving. until this very moment where i stopped to think for just one second and all i could think of is you across the country and now i’m pacing and my sheets aren’t even on my bed yet but i don’t want to do any of it anymore. i tried to join my therapy session and my therapist didn’t show up and now who am i supposed to talk to about the fact you’ll be gone. i want to give you something but i don’t know what to give and time is running out and i feel sick to my stomach and today was my first better day in a while but i can tell all the days ahead of me might be even worse than they were before. i have to stop writing because im driving myself mad in my thought spirals of you. but now i can’t focus on my assignments and im feeling myself fall even more behind and i want to run but im breathless from all the running i’ve been doing for years. so what am i supposed to do now?