"Then we talked more, went up to the roof. You took away my fears, my doubts for that short time and every time I’m with you it’s like a peek into bliss. I guess what I’m saying is, that I fell for you that first night. And I still haven’t recovered. I’m still down, scared of standing, in case you wouldn’t be there to steady me anymore."
My Dearest Atom,
I know you'll probably never get this. That it'll be too late and you never see this letter I left in your jacket that final night. But just in case, I feel like I should say I'm sorry.
It's my fault. I know already that anything that happens in that place will be because of me. If you are reading this, then don't try and argue. My minds made up. I'll be the one who pulls you down in the end. I know it sounds odd but, you have to understand. I'm not a good person. I'm not someone that people look at and see selflessness or bravery. That's you.
I know you say that I'm strong, that no matter what we can both fight and should I break you'll fight for me. But I don't want you too. I'm not good for you Atom. I'm tainted, tarnished, tattered. I've been broken since before we met and nothing can change that.
You have a chance though. You can get out and i promise to do everything I can to make that happen. But should I fail, I just hope you know I'm sorry. It doesn't count for much I guess, a simple word doesn't make up for letting either if us die. You said to me that I should turn around, cover my ears and don't look. You and I both know that won't happen.
Atom, you may not understand this just yet, but I don't have anything else. It's just you. You are my crowning glory. The reason I wake up and see the sun not the clouds. You're the reason I wanted to be better, that I felt like I had options. I let you convince me that I was worth what you needed me to be.
But I'm not.
If you die, then a part of me dies. The better part and I can't stand the thought of living if I it's not with you. I guess what I'm saying is that, should I fail and you die, you don't die alone. I'll find a way to join you.
Atom, if you die my reason for living, my one accomplishment, finding someone as perfect as you who actually returns that affection, it’s gone. I have nothing. I can’t go home and have that constant reminder. I’m not strong enough for that. I can’t cope. I love you and I want to be able to live up to what you think of me but I can’t. I’m sorry.
But know that I will always love you, Atom. Know that you were more to me than life itself. So if by some miracle you do ever read this, I'm sorry that I never told you my intentions. That I knew I wasn't coming back out. I understand if you're upset with my words, if you hate me for my selfishness but the thought of loosing you, just trying to imagine being alone is worse than anything else I go through.
You're my everything. My Sun, Moon and Stars. Please know that what I did was out of love not hate and that I owe you more than just my life.
I love you Atom. Always have, always will. You showed me everything. Thank you.














