Solace

I used to think these kinds of feelings only occurred in books or movies, statements from other people seemed so surreal and exaggerated, but now I know. 

I get it now. Feeling disgusting in your own skin, like it's filthy tainted trash. The guilt that comes from something out of your control. Every second that you think you've forgotten or "got over" lingering in the back of your mind. And that moment, that moment where you want to feel the touch of someone you love and the shadow of someone else taking over, warm happy feelings turning into cold fear. I never thought I'd be scared of the world. It used to seem so beautiful and full of curious, fantastic things. Now it takes all of my strength just to walk out the front door. The emptiness that fills in after, pulling you between what you know is right, but drawing you to what you know is wrong. Just staring. An inch away from self harm, but that voice tells you stop, because you know you're still beautiful, in your head, you know these things, but your heart feels the opposite. Imagining all the things people could tell you, the things you would tell someone else, I don't need a repeat. I need to let go. There are a lot of things that are okay in the world, but I'm not one of them.