lyons.nyc

i can mask all i want but im just a sack

i hurt people because i think i matter more

when in reality they never cared to begin with

they felt obligated to be nice because im sad

and that's what justifies it in my mind

i'm a sick fuck and i need to die

i need to do something

something to make everyone around me feel better and not be sick of me

i ruin things for myself often. some of my best opportunities, or chances that are given to me are just broken. the self sabotage is not only confusing, but getting very old.

frankly, i really don't know what to do or make of my life at this point. i am at yet another situation, where i lack direction, and have ripped up any remnants of a map i previously had.

i've always wanted to have friends. i'm an antisocial extrovert. which means i hate social interactions. but, i am energized by them. this makes for constant tug in my mental health.

i make mistakes when finding friends, or accepting them. i want to be liked, by everyone, it's not hard for me to have problems. the thing is, when i have 'problems', i'm just being shown the truth.

something, i thought i had. i had two passions in life. one remains. one is love, love is always going to be my passion.

my other passion was a form of expression, a muse if you will. something that kept me from being insane. also something i had always dreamed of achieving.

i hate that it's gone. i want it back. it was all i ever dreamed about. until someone better at doing what i do came along. in fact, not even someone, a group of people.

my dreams have been crushed, and right now i don't know what to do. so much has been taken away in such a short time, i guess i have no choice but to seek out that new beginning. this prospect really frightens me, i don't know what to do or where to go. the only guidance i really had into the future is just gone.

i feel alone, on multiple levels. i can't even bring myself to eat or do anything except lay in bed. all i do is cry, and feel hatred for myself for ruining more of my happiness. i tried to harm myself last night again. i tried to cut but none of the blades were sharp enough to break my skin. i began just burning myself with a lighter again. nobody can really see those scars, and if they do, it just looks like a bruise.

i hate myself for doing this to myself, but i also hate the people going out of their way to mess with my life. i know i deserve it, because i'm just not good enough. and i never have been. i was never as smart as anyone else, as good looking, or even as funny. i'm just there like always. nothing to show for me. especially not now.

sweet woman i am forever in debt to you. i never was able to give back to you all that you gave to me. as much as i wanted to, the struggle we dealt with was hard. outside forces made it difficult for me to ever give back to you how i loved to.

some of the happiest memories i have as a child have you centerfold. teaching me how to tie my shoelaces over a summer, consistently challenging my creativity with different things to build with legos, and watching jeopardy late at night with girl scout cookies.

i cannot stop my mind from revolving around you. i see you in windows, and mirrors, and even in my peripheral vision if i'm tired enough. you are the missing puzzle piece to me, you are what will complete me and make me a better person.

writing is my favorite form of expression

mainly because it’s what i’m best at

i know my way around it the most

on a piece of paper, or a blank document like this one

i can very easily paint a picture, a vivid one

i believe writing can be the most personal form of expression

if done correctly, and with enough passion

it can be akin to giving someone your feelings on paper

dear _______,

i'm not here to repeat anything that i have already said to you, or berate you for your personal decisions. at the end of the day your life belongs to you, and you control it. whatever may make you happy, makes me happy. just remember that.

the things that i feel, and have felt are basically all i think about. i think as a person, my main passions are music, and love. it makes sense, because all i ever think about on a daily basis is music and you. i'm sitting there at work doing my job thinking up song lyrics to myself while dreaming of your eyes or your smile.

i'm not the type of person to give up. i'm a big picture, over achiever, kind of person. i have to have the best, i settle for nothing less. i don't feel like i deserve anything less, and i know if i work for it i can easily do it. when it comes to love, there is no better person i could want or have than you. i just don't think there is anyone above you really. you are the best.

because of that, i have to have you. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day i know i will. i will show you that i am what you can have true happiness with. absolute unconditional love and companionship.

i hope you continue to be well, i know you know who you are so i'm not worried. just don't take it the wrong way please.

whenever i tell people i have a tendency to dislike and have issues with law enforcement officers, i am always met with the same kind of response time and again.

“not all police officers are bad, just one bad apple doesn’t mean they’re all bad.”

to which i respond, yes, that is correct. i cannot make assumptions for the entirety of the police force.

however, based upon the behavior of police officers that i have seen, first hand, the times i have had to deal with them. they are racist, fear-mongering, hateful, unkind, and power hungry sacks of flesh that have no right to walk the earth with the rest of us.

the consistent bad behavior shown by officers like the one i dealt with tonight; gives me no remorse in saying that i hope they are all given a lesson in karma and are shown the horrible behavior that they love to give to the people they are meant to serve.

i need to vent

pour all of my thoughts into someone else’s head

nobody is there

nobody is listening