‘ i don’t know which fork to kill myself with. ’
‘ damn it! i can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere! ’
‘ i’m really bad at making decision. ’
‘ if i had a dollar for everybody i couldn’t hang out with because they hated you, i’d be so rich. ’
‘ i just want to listen to taylor swift alone. ’
‘ pink wine makes me slutty. ’
‘ i’m like a mailman, except instead of mail, it’s hot sex that i deliver. ’
‘ i don’t mean to be laughing, but are you okay? ’
‘ i had figure skating lessons since i was thirteen and then my mom sobered up and realized i was a boy. ’
‘ i don’t think it’s fair that women have an excuse once a month to act irrationally angry when the rest of us have to keep it together all the time. ’
‘ this plan is officially the worst! ’
‘ don’t pretend to know my pain. ’
‘ you misspelled the word ‘rhythm’ 38 times. ’
‘ i’m as mad as a dad in traffic! ’
‘ i could do this all day, son! ’
‘ you sons of bitches ready to party? ’
‘ i’m dealing with a dingus. ’
‘ you’re the most throat-punchable boy in all the world. ’
‘ that’s like the president and the vice president not being best friends. ’
‘ oh, goodness gracious! what are you, a sorcerer? ’
‘ i can buy my own pizza! can somebody please loan me $15? ’
‘ i gotta tell my best friend i’m in love with her. ’
‘ i’m– i’m pregnant. i mean, you’re pregnant. we’re pregnant! ’
‘ what kind of taco meat do you bitches have? ’
‘ i think you need me too much. ’
‘ i’m gonna be fine. i am. you know why? cause i met you. that’s why i’m okay. ’
‘ i’m the voice of reason, that’s why you brought me with. ’
‘ we didn’t bring you with. you followed us there in your car. ’
‘ saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! ’
‘ i’ve seen his penis like… a million times. ’
‘ he’s my best friend. what if he gets into an accident? what if he’s horribly disfigured and i have to identify him and all that remains are his private parts? and i’m standing there and i’m saying, ‘no officer, i can’t help you because no, i haven’t seen his penis’ and then boom! he’s buried in an unmarked grave. ’
‘ people are the worst. ’
‘ hey, do you have any snacks? ’
‘ it’s a weird life, but it’s where i’m at right now. ’
‘ i was put in an awkward situation and i reacted poorly. ’
‘ it is perfectly fine to watch tv all day! ’
‘ i am not a successful adult! i don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself. ’
‘ as a matter of fact, i am tired and i am hungry. ’
‘ if i don’t know what’s gonna happen, i don’t do something. ever. i don’t care how much i want to do it. ’
‘ i’m gonna hit your ass with a ski. ’
‘ i want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles. ’
‘ how cute am i? ’
‘ i’m a color-blind american citizen and i can’t do puzzles. ’
‘ what’s your problem? don’t you want me to have a good night? ’
‘ maybe if we get drunk then magically everything will just happen. ’
‘ anything beautiful is worth getting hurt for. ’
‘ every prank you do turns out either too big or too small. ’
‘ it burns! it burns! ’
‘ why does your hair look so baby soft?! ’
‘ how do you get this thing off? get it off of me! ’
‘ everyone drinks midori sours! it’s a melon liqueur! ’
‘ what do i think the puzzle will look like? the pictures on the box. it’s a japense garden! ’
‘ what the hell is wrong with you, just waving that thing around like an idiot? ’
‘ give me the spot or i’ll kill you all! ’
‘ i will shred myself! i will shred myself in the shredder! ’
‘ that tastes disgusting, i don’t like it. ’
‘ sometimes i feel like you’re in one of those weird man-dog body-switch movies. ’
‘ where are your nipples, man?! ’
‘ stop being so mean to me or i swear to go i’m going to fall in love with you! ’
‘ i want you to get off my farm! ’
‘ i don’t have a vagina! ’
‘ this is my only face! i don’t have a lot of faces! ’
‘ i refuse to pay for the wifey. ’
‘ i don’t like it! it’s too much responsibility! ’
‘ shall i compare thee to a summer’s day? no, a summer’s day is not a bitch. ’
‘ gave me cookie, got you cookie! you gave me cookie, i got you cookie, man! ’
‘ back off, i’m starving! ’
‘ your job could be done by a vending machine. ’
‘ i thought god just didn’t give me abs. ’
‘ what you’re doing is illegal. ’
‘ i’m not taking advice from you. you pronounce the ‘g’ in ‘lasagna’. ’
‘ and i’m taking this remote because you always hit the info button by mistake. ’
‘ are we all just living in the mind of a giant? ’
‘ i don’t trust fish. they breath water! that’s crazy. ’
‘ do i regret it? yes. would i do it again? probably. ’
‘ i can’t work under pressure like this. you know i get nervous. i am just a man. i am not a god. ’
‘ first order of business: we eat their food. ’
‘ can i get an alcohol? ’
‘ if you are for one second suggesting that i don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you! ’
‘ the bees are back! ’
‘ i haven’t gotten a non-text message in two years. ’
‘ the only acceptable pet for a man to have is a saltwater fish. ’
‘ the point of dating is just to keep on dating and then never stop. it’s like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist. ’
‘ you ever wonder if someone in here has killed someone? ’
‘ you realize i say ‘goodnight’ to you every night and you never say ‘goodnight’ back? what is your problem? do you not want me to have a good night? ’
‘ i’ve made out with half of the people in this room. ’
‘ i’ve had nightmares about making out with two of the guys in this room. ’
‘ ah! son of a bi– …penis. that wasn’t better. ’
‘ someone’s personalized condoms just came in the mail. ’
‘ i just found a groupon for hypnosis lessons. think about what you could do with that! sex stuff. ’
‘ has anyone seen my good peacoat? ’
‘ hahaha. what a dumb idea. do it! ’
‘ this is the coin i had in my pocket the first night we kissed. and i always have it. ’
‘ i feel like i want to murder someone and i also want soft pretzels. ’
‘ i hate doors! ’
‘ suck it, mr. krabs! ’
‘ no, i don’t dance. i’m from the town in footloose. ’
‘ are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch. ’
‘ he asked me if i wanted to watch planet of the apes. i didn’t know he meant right now. ’
‘ would you eat your damn sandwich? ’
‘ when you see a dog cage for sale, you buy it. ’
‘ you know… i don’t get what’s going on here. ’
‘ hey, you made a difference. how does it feel? ’
‘ do you have a tank top i could borrow? you look about my size. ’
‘ cheers to unemployment! ’
‘ i was about to catch you but then you fell. ’
‘ there are tampons hidden all around the apartment. ’
‘ i think somebody had sex in my bedroom last night. i think that because they’re still in there having sex, i think. ’
‘ please take that thing off. you look like a homeless pencil. ’
‘ we are gonna make it! ’
‘ i’m not ready to lose you. i just got you and i’m not letting you go. ’
‘ i can think of five reasons why i wanted to be your friend: boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek. ’
‘ actually, that’s not fair, she might be a really nice ho. ’
‘ i’m not doing squats or anything. i’m just trying to eat less donuts. ’
‘ you’re gonna be fine. you’re gonna meet somebody and you’re gonna fall in love. ’
‘ who’s gonna… lay down a flag on this sweet, sweet continent? ’
‘ i like to improvise with my body. i’m like a sexual snowflake. each night with me is a unique experience. ’
‘ you can run away from your problems, but you’re just gonna find new ones that pop up. ’
‘ i hope you like feminist rants ‘cause that’s my thing. ’
