Wish I Was Athletic

Posts that prove that despite about 300 thousand years of technological development, humanity at its core hasn't really changed all that much

wearing two cursed amulets to manipulate them into competing with each other for ownership of my soul and unintentionally improving my life in their attempts to seduce me

hiring two duplicitous advisors with opposing agendas to manipulate them into hatefucking each other in front of me while i fujo out about it

it's not a "love triangle" it's a business opportunity with benefits

they need to start selling horse milk in grocery stores

wh...... what...

It's fun when the robot character in the sci-fi show gets cut in half because nobody working on this type of media knows anything about robotics and you never know what you're going to find inside. Green printed circuit boards? Meat and viscera, but like in a weird colour? Just a shitload of goo?

I especially like it when the robot appears to have realistic musculature which operates via contraction, suggesting some sort of fluid-driven or shape-memory-based actuation, and then it gets dismembered and a bunch of random gears and sprockets go flying everywhere.

I like to think my engineers foresaw the likelihood of my bisection and designed a clean break point with that in mind, leaving a small compartment filled with confetti

maybe this is insensitive of me but i find it really funny that the human behavioural response to being sufficiently bored and isolated is to devise increasingly creative ways to harm our bodies and risk our lives just to have something to react to. and no small amount of innovation has been achieved this way. yeah sorry but if you don't give me enough treats and puzzles i'm going to start hurting myself for fun.

"you're going to hurt yourself badly doing that" actually i'm very good at it. i've had lots of practice you see.

it's five AM who WANTS me. who NEEDS me

airport charged me almost six dollars for a god damn cokey cola wht the HELL

it's forever fucked that refusal is associated so strongly with cowardice and cowardice is almost universally uncontestedly seen as an existential failure that disqualifies you from the right to refuse anything when being able to admit that you're afraid and say "no" are some of the most powerful things that anyone can do

"why don't you want to? are you scared?" yes. is that so bad? to be afraid and unwilling? why should that be worth less? why should i hope to be the richest corpse in the graveyard?

Oh. Shit.

where's that native meme that's like "lol you worship the sun lmao" and they respond "ok. the sun is real"

Carry on my wayward son

I hope fifty good things happen to you within the next 30 seconds. I love you so much

we need to bring back the phrase "what business is it of yours" in a big way i'm serious

i know you can just say "none of your business" but phrasing it as a question with a jarringly formal tone is the ideal way to shoot an overfamiliar unwelcome overture dead in its tracks and force the person making it to confront the boundaries they're taking for granted + it would really piss people off which is funny

&also it allows you to experience the joy of talking like an autistic vampire, which i highly recommend