𝘿𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢𝙚𝙧

P.S. English is not my first language so there might be some mistakes in my writing, I'm sorry for that. My mother tongue is Russian I guess that’s why I feel a deep mental connection with Dostoevsky and that’s why characters of my imagines always suffer

P.P.S. all works by me, please do not repost in other sources without my permission

• Death Note imagines •

(in"chronological" order)

Rain |L Lawliet x Reader|  (the same but original language)

Yellow flashes of the road lights |Mello x Reader| (the same but original language)

It’s Mihael... Mihael Keehl... |Mello x Reader|

• Other fandoms •

The Nobodies |Mello x Reader|  (the same but original language)

I want her to stay |Near x Reader (platonic)|

Ever Again |Baji x Reader|

Sweet Dreams, Darling |Aizawa x Reader|  (comfort and fluff)

For All Eternity |Caius Volturi x Reader|  (the same but original language)

The agent at the desk frowned, glancing down at him, and hesitantly pressed the microphone button.

The phone kept silence, broken only by the distant rustle of bird voices and passing cars on the background.

"Identify yourself," the agent demanded in alarm.

No answer. Just the distant melody of a passing by ice cream truck.

"Do you know where are you calling?"

Silence.

The next second they heard a sudden sigh at the other end of the line, and the pay phone's receiver clattered onto the lever. Long-drawn beeps echoed through the hall.

"Should we... call back?" The agent asked perplexedly, turning to the white-haired man. The latter made a vague gesture with his hand, which the agent concluded as an approval. After typing a few lines on the keyboard, he pressed the microphone button again.

On a deserted street near a wasteland where cars, rusted from years of rains, found their piece, a phone rang in a sun-drenched phone boх. For a long minute, the silence of the hot air was broken by a monotonous ringing, while a lone figure with an unsteady step, moved away from the source of the sound until disappeared in the deserted lanes.

"What might it mean?" Agent turned to the guy, who calmly arranged the final row of figures, sitting with his back to the monitors. The man couldn't see it, but at that moment a sly smile flashed on the lips of the white-haired.

"I think we'll find out very soon."

*******************************************

Summer streets of New York were filled with the noise of cars, laughter of people and the sounds of music from the open doors of cafes and shops. The central district was bustling with life and it seemed that every person at that moment had a clear goal, which he knew for sure - to enjoy life and be free of all problems.

A person stopped at the atrium of one of the skyscrapers. Pedestrians, carried away by their own happiness, walked by without noticing a small oddity. No one entered this building, as well as no one left it for hours. The office skyscrapers nearby were full of traffic, while in the depths of this atrium, only a lone security guard sat at a long empty registration desk.

The person at the entrance did not attract the attention, although his figure stood out strikingly against the crowd. Despite the summer heat, he was wearing a long black hoodie, the wide hood of which completely hid his face. The silhouette of the person spoke of his severe fatigue, his shoulders periodically twitched.

Finally, he abruptly shook his head and stood onto the steps of the building. His hand reached for an inconspicuous call button and pressed it. He shrugged his shoulders, straightening up, pushing away the remnants of doubt.

A man's voice sounded on the intercom.

"Speak up."

The figure on the doorstep sighed, quietly grinning and threw off the hood.

"Long time no see, Near... Can we... talk?'

A young girl of about twenty was looking into the intercom camera. Her whole appearance spoke of a lack of sleep, as well as severe exhaustion. There was barely a glimmer of interest in what was happening in her tired eyes. Her dry lips trembled as she spoke.

"We can't let her in here!"  One of the agents said indignantly. "She and Mello killed all our people, what if she came to take revenge now!?"

"Don't be absurd," the white-haired man grumbled irritably. "Rester, let her in."

After a moment's hesitation, the man addressed by the guy nevertheless reluctantly pressed one of the many buttons on the panel, and on the screen could be seen how the sliding doors of the building opened and slammed again after the figure of the girl crossed the door line.

"Up to the 50th floor, please. The elevator is on your right," the monotonous voice of the guard echoed through the empty hall.

The girl obediently followed in the indicated direction and with trembling fingers pressed the button with the sign "50" in the iron elevator.

A tense silence hung in the hall. The agents watched expectantly at the figure of a thin guy sitting in the center of the room in the white, hospital-like clothes. Before him the drawings were randomly scattered on the floor. Each drawing repeated the others and seemed to be made by a child. Four human figures could be distinguished on them, holding hands, as on a paper garland. Long white hair covered the guy's face and he continued to calmly draw a pencil across the sheet, reproducing the unchanging plot.

The doors of the hall silently opened and the agents, whose nerves were tense with expectation, involuntarily shuddered.

"Hello, Y/n," the white-haired said keeping eyes on the drawing.

"Near..." whispered the girl, starring in confusion at the guy.

"You wanted to tell me something," the young man named Near said emotionlessly.

"Yes... I wanted to," the girl lowered her head, fumbling with the edge of the fabric. She tried to find the words, but all rational thoughts flew out of her head and she stared at the floor with unseeing eyes, like a guilty schoolgirl.

"You don't look well," concluded Near, without raising his eyes. "It's been 4 years..."

"I ... tried to come up with something..." The girl muttered, as if justifying herself. "I tried to make a plan, but it didn't work out. I tried to start a new life and go my own way, but... I can't do anything by myself anymore... I'm... I'm terribly useless."

She shuddered all over and hugged herself.

"I was sure that he would always be able to come up with a plan that everything would be fine... I believed that he could... that he could survive..."

Her voice trailed off and she took a ragged breath. Near's hand froze over the sheet, he carefully listened to her words.

"I don't know where else to go, I don't know where else I can be useful, only here... I would like to work for you Near... I don't think I can want anything else anymore."

She looked up at the guy with exhausted eyes, which were filling with tears against her will.

"Besides you, I have no one left... but... If you think I'm pathetic, if you don't want to see me anymore, I'll understand. It's only for you to decide. And... Near... I never meant you any harm. I guess you know it yourself, but... I tried until the very end to convince Mello to work with you, and the murder of your team... He did it without my knowledge." The last words sounded firm, but doomed, like the last justification of a sentenced to death.

"I know," Near said softly. "Halle, take Y/N to her room."

The tall blonde woman addressed by Near calmly nodded and headed for the door, letting the girl go ahead. When the doors closed and their footsteps faded into the corridor, Rester glanced at Near with concern.

"Did you know she was about to come all this time?"

"It had to happen sooner or later," Near replied indifferently, tracing the paper with a pencil.

Rester sighed in annoyance.

"Near, are you sure this is the right decision? What if she..."

"No," Near interrupted him. "Despite the fact that Mello's death broke her, despite the fact that she lost the will to life, she still remains a valuable asset that cannot be allowed to go to waste so easily. She was one of the smartest students of the Wammy's house and despite that she has always been kind to me and never tried to compete with me.

She loved Mello and genuinely cared for Matt. So did I.

I want her to stay."

His tone was peremptory, Rester knew that when the decision was made, he could not be persuaded. Taking one last look at the white figure in the center of the room, the agent turned away, returning to work interrupted by the sudden intrusion.

I put the phone in my pocket and headed to the stairs. The rain beat relentlessly through the panoramic windows, it felt like this building did not exist at all, every step was easy, as if I was walking through that gray air outside, as if it cost me nothing to push off the ground and take off now. My head was spinning from the monotonous sounds of falling drops and aching, inexplicable anxiety.

I pushed the iron door leading to the roof with shoulder, and the next second the wind whistled in the doorway. With an effort, I opened it and look around, covering eyes from the wind and small drops.

L stood near the metal tower, which was crowned with a satellite receiver, and looked at the sky motionless.

His clothes soaked through, water was streaming down his face, dripping from his hair, seemed like he had been standing here for a long time before my arrival. It was pointless to call him, for the noise of the rain and the howling of the wind, my words would simply be lost in the air, there was nothing left but to go out to meet the cold streams and the open gray sky.

“The bell is ringing louder than usual today,” he said, still staring intently into the sky, when I approached him.

“I know.”

We looked into the sky of heavy endless clouds, showered with daggers of cold drops, and it seemed as if there, far above us and in the whole expanse of the air dome, the measured beats of the memorial bell could be heard, making the heart freeze and further distancing us from the reality where we are standing on the roof of a 30-storey hotel in Tokyo, waiting for news that the unknown will bring us, closer than ever to destruction.

“Lately, it has been ringing incessantly. Do you understand what this means?” he said tonelessly.

“Yes,” I replied, keeping my eyes on the dark sky.

The rain was lashing at my face in furious gusts, my T-shirt stuck to the body, water dripped from the jeans into the sneakers, but it didn't bother me at all. It was as if the whole moment enchanted me, and I stopped feeling anything but unity with this rain, sky and air, nothing else mattered.

All the future past and present have been reduced to one point, into one vessel of the storm, heralding the end of the days of this world.

L turned and stared intently into my eyes.

“I don't want you to die.”

His voice seemed to come from far away, and it took me a moment to understand the meaning of his words, looking at him with unseeing eyes.

L seemed to understand my confusion and hastened to add:

“I think he's going to kill me and then you, and I don't know... For the first time in my life, I do not know how to prevent it,” he sighed heavily and looked up to the sky again.

“I made too many mistakes, let Light get too close... It's all my fault. I shouldn't have dragged you into this investigation. Now, because of my shortsightedness, we are both going to die. I'm sorry.”

I looked up. For some reason, a painful feeling crept into my heart again, suddenly memorable episodes from childhood began to flash before my eyes, those moments when the soul, as well as now, trembled with delight and at the same time was torn with longing in powerlessness to comprehend this moment of merging with the eternal largess of centuries, as if the ancient secret of life was hidden in these moments and one step, one breath each time was missing to let in this all-encompassing wisdom, to become one with infinity.

“It was an honor for me to work with you, but I consider the opportunity to call you my friend to be an even greater joy and the main achievement of my life,” I said.

As if in oblivion, my lips moved by themselves, but at the same time I was clearly aware that the said was right.

L looked at me somewhat surprised.

“Thank you. You are the only person who has become really close to me, whom I really trust. I'll be glad to die next to you.”

He suddenly seemed so lonely and mournful. His life has always been full of cruelty and injustice, he has always been an observer of it, but he has never lived himself. It's a pity that we won't have time to change anything.

I quietly went over and hugged him. He flinched in surprise, but hugged me back.

“Thank you. If it rains like this in heaven, I'll be happy to be there with you.”

...

Thump.

I fall on one knee, there is an unbearable pain in my heart.

Thump.

He lies in front of me and gasps for air.

Thump.

I am pinned to the ground, but rush closer to him.

Thump.

I grab his hand and look into those eyes for the last time.

Thump.

“I'm sorry...”

Bam!

The car jumped on another bump and you almost dropped the needle from your hands. Mello on the seat let out a loud groan and twitched in convulsions. For some moments he was losing his consciousness from the pain, but then the same pain was pulling him back to reality.

You've never seen such monstrous burns. The pink skin was covered with droplets of reddish blood that appeared like drizzle, the injured areas were bordered by a brown line of burnt tissues and in some places, there were terrible grooves in the skin filled with oozing scarlet blood. 

This sight paralyzed you, you wanted to scream in horror, but you clenched your teeth, holding back tears, and rushed to him to prevent Mello from disturbing the wounds.

“It's okay, it's okay!.. Wait! Mello! Everything will be fine! I beg... Mello!”

It cost you a lot of effort to fix his shuddering body on the seat, after all, even in this state he was much stronger than you. You grabbed his hand and started trying to feel for a vein. It was not an easy matter. His muscles were tense, he was shaking, but finally you managed to find the right place for the injection. 

“Now the main thing is to hold him in place.” You raised the needle to the elbow.

“It's okay, Mello! It's all good..” you exhaled, trying to calm the trembling in your hands.

“I have to do everything right. I have to help him.” With a sinking heart, you inserted the needle under the skin and pressed the plunger, injecting painkillers. Mello twitched, but you already managed to take it out.

“It must work now. The effect will be in a couple of minutes at this dosage. God, let everything be alright, let everything be alright...” You sank down on the floor next to the seat, not letting go of Mello's hot hand.

He convulsively clenched at each of his groans and it seemed to you as if you felt his pain, as if his pain was transmitted to you and condensed in the heart, tearing it apart. You couldn't watch him suffer, you couldn't forgive yourself for not being able to help.

“He is now struggling in agony, imprisoned in the hell of his body and your pathetic pain is like an indignity to his torment. You have no idea how much he's suffering right now.”

Suddenly the hand that was clutching yours relaxed, the moaning stopped. “It looks like the painkillers worked and he blacked out again,” you sat up to check his condition. Having felt the pulse, you calmed down at least by the fact that the dose was correct, he is unconscious, which means he can't hurt himself.

“Now what remains is to wait until we arrive at the headquarters, there will be normal medicines, a surgery and we will be able to help him... Everything will be fine, everything’s gonna be fine...”

You collapsed on the floor, hugging your knees. Tears welled up in your eyes, you trembled all over your body, knocking out your breath. You were scared

“It wasn't supposed to be this way, it's all wrong...” The mind refused to accept reality, pain throbbed in the temples, making the cheekbones cramp.

“This is wrong, but it's reality. You need to accept it and do everything to prevent this from happening again in the future. You need to do everything to help Mello, help him restore justice, help fix this reality. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll do anything for him. I 'll do for him anything...”

...

The van braked sharply and you woke up from the painful half-sleep, still sitting on the floor next to Mello. You jumped up and rushed to him, berating yourself for your weakness, you should have been watching him. To your relief, your fingers felt the pulse again and you calmed down a little. Mello was still unconscious. Now it was necessary to get him to the surgery as soon as possible. The back doors of the van swung open and Matt appeared in the dim light of the headlights, accompanied by two mafia men.

“Come on, guys, we need to lift boss onto a stretcher!” he commanded.

The stretcher was carried into the van and Mello was as gently as possible lowered onto it.

“Okay, now get inside quickly,” Matt ordered in a hushed voice.

The two who came with him, with all possible in such circumstances care, took out a stretcher and carried it towards the building. You jumped off the step and trudged after them, shivering from the cold.

You still haven't come to your senses after waking up and have been trying hard to piece together the scattered thoughts and events of the last hours. You heard the sound of the van doors slamming behind you and Matt's footsteps catching up with you. You walked side by side in complete silence, words were unnecessary and you both felt it. Matt opened the door, letting you go first.

The bright light of the ceiling lamp hit your eyes and you felt the faint smell of alcohol and some medications coming from the door just closed, where the stretcher with Mello was carried. Now all that remained was to wait.

You landed on a narrow leather sofa by the door of the surgery, and you felt falling asleep again. Unable to resist the weakened from the stress and lack of sleep body, you switched off, resting your head against the armrest.

You were woken up by Matt gently shaking your shoulder.

“Y/n, Y/nnn,” he called you quietly. “He's awake.”

You flinched, while the pain hit your temple again.

“Oh, god...” You jumped up from the sofa, but your legs wouldn't obey, you tripped and would have fallen if it wasn't for Matt, managed to grab you by the waist keeping you from falling.

“Thanks,” you muttered, leaning on his hand.

“I...” You suddenly felt a terrible weakness in your whole body, as if at any moment you could lose consciousness, tears for some reason flowed down your cheeks, you looked at Matt pleadingly. He got it without words and, throwing your arm over his shoulder and holding you tightly by the waist, led you into the office.

Mello was lying on the operating table. His body was tightly bandaged from hips to the neck, the left side of his face was hidden under a layer of medical cotton wool and bandages. You felt a lump rise in your throat and tears fell in a hail, your legs seemed to go numb and you would have fallen to your knees if not for Matt's strong arms supporting you.

You wanted to scream, but the sound stuck in the throat, tearing the cords, and you stared blankly with eyes full of despair at the man lying in front of you.

You leaned forward and Matt led you to a metal chair at the table. You grabbed Mello's hand and fell on your knees, sobbing and pressing his palm to your cheek. Matt picked you up and sat you down on the chair. The tears were pouring non-stop, but you didn't have the strength to stop them.

“Mee-Mello...” you whispered. Every sound cut the throat. “Please... I'm sorry... I’m so sorry... I.. I love you... I'm so sorry...”

You didn't understand what exactly you felt at that moment, a whirlwind of emotions raged inside, making you suffer in helplessness in attempts to curb your own will. "You have to pull yourself together! Pull yourself together!"

“I am... I love you," you looked into his eyes and tried to smile.

"I... I'm so glad... That you're alive...” you pressed your forehead against his palm.

“I love you... I love you, Mello...”

Suddenly you felt him move his fingers, you raised your head and met his gaze. You've never seen him like this before. There was no usual grin or irritation in his eyes, they reflected that rare, deep feeling that Mello so carefully hid from everyone, which appeared for an instant in his gaze in those moments when you were alone. He looked at you with tenderness and warmth, his lips twitched painfully, but he did not stop smiling weakly.

"I love you..." he whispered faintly and gently ran his fingers over your cheek. You smiled through the tears and pressed his hand to you.

 His face became serious and detached again, he turned back to the monitor.

 “I'm sure,” he said shortly.

 “I'm sorry ...” you guiltily lowered your eyes to the floor. “It’s just... I'm just afraid of losing you, you know...” You looked up at him and your lips trembled. “I'm afraid of losing you and Matt, I'm afraid to stand on your graves and mourn your short lives, cursing myself for not being careful enough, not being attentive enough. I'm afraid to go back to an empty dark apartment where your voice will never sound again. I'm afraid to be left alone...”

 You gently put your hands on his shoulders, and buried your nose in the golden hair, inhaling the barely discernible scent of engine oil and heavy cologne. Memories flashed in your head of the day when, along with a bag of daily products, Mello brought an extremely expensive bottle from the store, which he stole from under the noses of the guards.

 Over the years of working for the mafia, he got used to a luxurious life, got used to the fact that he could indulge his little weaknesses, get everything that he could not have in the Wammy's house. Now he no longer had the funds of the mafia, but no one could take away his skills and ability to get anything he wanted.

 “Please... I beg you... Let me stay near you,” you whispered. “Please, let me help. If something happens to you, I will never forgive myself for inaction, when maybe I could have saved you. I beg... Please...”

 You heard Mello sigh heavily and covered your hand with his palm, slightly squeezing.

 “Y/n... You're everything I have, everything I've ever needed... I want you to be happy, I want Matt to be happy. I want both of you to live your long and happy lives. But mine... I lived long enough to make dozen mistakes and... I don't care anymore... If I'm going to die this time it will be just a part of the investigation, just a piece of puzzle for Near to solve. I already know, that I'm not the one to end this. I never was.”

 The way he said it, the sharp bitterness and doom in his words made your heart sink. You felt like something broke inside you. For the first time he accepted his defeat. For the first time, you felt scared.

 Your fingers gripped the fabric of his shirt as you clenched your teeth to keep from crying of helplessness.  

 “Please... Don't say it like you don't care about your death.” you wheezed. “I'll kill them all. I'll come to their fucking headquarters and kill everyone. I'll kill them for you. One of them is Kira, so I won't miss. I will kill everyone. I... don't want to live without you. If you die, I can't...”

 Your hands were trembling and you shut your eyes to do not let the tears flow. You couldn't say it, as if the mere thought of the possibility of a negative outcome was a betrayal, as if you were giving up on him.

 A quiet sob escaped from your throat, causing Mello to flinch and turn to you.

 “I don't want to lose you again…”

 You couldn't hold the tears anymore and covered your face with your palms. With every second it seemed to you as if reality was slipping away, as if everything was happening outside of your consciousness and you couldn't help it. Over the past few months, Mello has been distancing from you, completely devoting his strength, energy and rage to the investigation. You didn't interfere because you understand how important it was, but now... Everything had gone too far and you couldn’t fix it anymore.

 You felt hands fall on your trembling shoulders and Mello pressed you to him, nuzzling the curve of your neck. You shut your eyes and pressed closer, clinging to him like a life-saving straw, holding together the fragments of your world falling apart, breaking at the seams.

 “I love you,” he murmured into your neck. “I love you with all my fucking heart. If we were in another world... In another life... If we could be like this forever...”

 “But we can,” you pulled away, looking into his eyes. “Mello, we still can do that. Let's quit the investigation, let's move somewhere unknown, buy a tiny cottage in a quiet village and do some shitty normal stuff other people do. Run a business, buy a dog...

 Please Mello... I thought... I thought we could’ve become a family…” you timidly looked into his eyes. “You, me, Matt... What more could we want?..”

 His long searching gaze seemed to look through you, into the very soul, laying out each of its components, studying and exposing all hidden fears, worries, hopes. You got scared that you said too much, that you could damage the fragile connection between you, that you disappointed him.

 He quietly raised his hand and touched your cheek. His thin fingers weightlessly outlined the line of your cheekbones, descending to the lips. He touched the lower lip with his thumb and pulled softly.

 There was still doubt in his gaze, but you saw how his eyes were filling with calmness and the heaviness of tension was fading away.

 He gently lifted your chin and moved closer to your lips.

 “You know... in the end every time you appear to be right,” he chuckled bitterly, shortening the distance between you.

 You felt the metallic taste and the rough skin of the lips, bitten in moments of nervous tension. Your hand gently tucked a lock of hair behind his ear, softly stroking the place of the scar on his beautiful face. He deepened the kiss, pulling you closer by the waist and guiding your chin with two fingers.

 Lately, when the investigation occupied all his thoughts, there was nothing but a brief kiss, fleeting sparks of feelings, unconscious hugs, when you happen to sleep together. Now he was kissing you sincerely, demanding, tenderly, as if begging you for something that you couldn't understand yet. As if he was speaking in another language, afraid to say out loud what he had to say long ago.

 “I love you,” he whispered into your lips, pulling away.

 Now you saw in front of you nothing but a boy from the Wammy's house, the one you remembered so well, the one that shared his dreams and achievements with you, the one that beat the walls and swore to win Near during the next test. The boy who came to your room and made a promise to find you, looking at you with a long wistful gaze, before leaving the Wammy's house forever.

 “Y/n, I... I cannot change it anymore. We have to do it tomorrow. And we will. It's more than me, it's more than us. I know what I gotta do and I will do it. I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I cannot promise you anything this time... I will try my best for you, but... You have to know, no matter what's gonna happen tomorrow, I love you and I always will. Don't blame yourself, alright? You couldn't change anything. You're the best thing ever happened to me and I'll never be able to thank you enough for that.”

 He once again pressed your hand tight and quickly headed back to the computer, as if he was afraid that at any moment, something in him could overpower, break his determination.

 “I hid the rest of the mafia's savings in the basement. They will be enough to change documents and buy real estate in Canada. They're yours now, and... Take care of Matt, okay?”

 You walked stiff-legged to the door, realizing this was the end. You failed. Your throat was dry, your tongue wouldn't obey you, there was a fog in your head, as if you could pass out at any minute.

 “And... One more thing.” he said quietly over his shoulder. “I know, maybe it's stupid but... I want you to know my name. In the end... I don't want you to remember me as Mello...

 It's Mihael...

The girl stretched out her hand, which was holding the bracelet, as if someone in front of her had to take it, but there was only a cold gray gravestone in front of her. The girl's hand dropped weakly to the foot of the grave, where was a small tin lunch box. It was rusty in places, the colorful children's drawing on it has faded, the paint has peeled off. The girl carefully opened it. In a tin box lay multicolored bracelets made of small beads. 

There were so many of them, they filled the box almost to the brim. Colorful, with beads of different sizes and shapes... Yellow, Blue, Green, Red… Every day she strung one bead on a string. Every day she dedicated this ritual to him, and after that, when she strung the thirty-first bead, she came here, and the new treasure was placed in a children's tin cache.

"Chifuyu will also come, he was late at work today. Do you remember I told you he got a part-time job at a pet store? You can be proud of him! He is such a wonderful employee, he is highly praised by his superiors and I think he is really happy at this job. He dreams of opening his own store someday, and I'm sure he will definitely succeed. 

He has a real menagerie at home now! He brings wounded animals to him and takes care of them until they recover. You should have seen how funny he sticks out his tongue, concentrating on measuring the norm of food for fish or parrots by ounce!” The girl let out a weak laugh, her voice trailed off and she quietly lowered her eyes to her trembling hands. The tears that she was trying to hide behind the fake enthusiasm appeared in her eyes again, for a moment her lips twisted with a fit of grief, and she clenched her teeth, holding back a moan.

"You know... I think about you every day... Every day... And I... I'm so scared!" She bent over as if the air had been knocked out of her chest. Hugging herself with her arms, as if trying to hide from the world, trembling from quiet sobs.

"Everyone tells me that it's wrong, that I won't be able to live a normal life if I don't let you go. I know they're right, but I am... I just can't! If I stop thinking about you every day, if I accept that you are no more here, I will feel like the most terrible and disgusting traitor... How can I leave behind everything that connected us? You were my home, you were a part of me... Maybe you were my heart, because now when you're... dead… I feel like it's gone. Where was a heart beating fast with joy or dying with delight, now there is only emptiness. And it causes unbearable pain. I know it's selfish, I know you did everything for us.… But now how do we repay this debt that you left us? How do I repay this debt to you?

If I knew that you are now somewhere in another world, much more beautiful than this one, if I knew that you are happy now, I would be the happiest person on earth! I would have quietly lived the time allotted to me, I would have done everything so that when we meet again, you would be proud of me... but... What if you're still here? Maybe we stay where we are buried and lie all alone…

I'm sorry... Please forgive me for being such a rag! You taught me to be strong, to believe in myself... I believed that anything is possible when you were around... And now every month I come to you and cry about how weak I am. You must be disappointed? I probably tired you with my problems and stupid thoughts... Even if you're here right now, you'd prefer more fun company I guess... But... Every night I choke on tears that are no longer left. Every night I think that all this is just a stupid mistake. Some terrible point into which our galaxy collapsed in an instant, turned into a black hole. Why... Why did everything happen like this?.. We were just kids! Why did anyone have to die at all?! Why did Shinichiro die? Why did you die?.. Why?

Sometimes I think that the only way to solve this question for myself, to understand what really happened, is to take my own life. I know it's stupid! But... What if you look at it differently now? Maybe, after all, this stupid comedy called life is nothing more than an illusion? What if, in fact, all this does not matter and only after death do we understand it? Sorry... I know you'd be angry right now. You have always cared so much about us, you have sacrificed everything for us, and I talk so easily about how to avoid unnecessary difficulties and suffering by taking my own life... You were stronger than any of us, you were stronger than all of us put together... Who am I to doubt what you believed in?..

You know... I'm 5 years older now than we were then. I'm already officially an "adult"... so why do I feel like I'm still that 15-year-old girl? Why do I still feel like I'm younger than you? Why do I feel like time stopped for me that day? Why do I feel like my future died with you that day?

I just wanna... Please... please be here! Slap me in the face, yell at me, say that I'm a cry baby say that I can do better, tell me, that I'm stronger, than I think I am. Please... Be here... Please...