Because the demise of my relationship with R came about from his careless journaling (or carelessness in where he kept his journal), I feel a bit strange about writing a journal at all, other than to try to heal from him.
I’ve had several dates, none were terrible but none were good. At some point, about three weeks or so after we broke up (maybe fewer) I went out with a colleague and his friends. While we were at the fruit (the warehouse club), his friend E was introduced to me. I could tell that my colleague fancied E, and I focused on that. But E was nice and funny and fun. He asked if I could put his phone in my purse that the bartender so kindly put behind the bar. He thought it was really nice of me to do that, I thought it was strange.
The following weekend, I saw he was going to a 90’s dance party that I was also going to. I asked him that night if he would be coming, but he didn’t show. The next day he replied and gave me his number and we talked about going to a different dance party at arcana with my colleague and his crew. At arcana, E paid for my ticket and then bought me a drink! I thought it was so nice, but me, being me, didn’t know what it meant. We sat on a couch and talked about some stuff. I had effervescently shared details of my recent breakup the first time we met, which he remembered. My colleague told me E was moving to Seattle in July, and we talked about the Pacific Northwest and new adventures. He tried to dance near me and I’m shy and didn’t know whether it wold bother my friend and colleague so I just danced to myself.
In talking to Emmalie about it the following day, she convinced me that he was into me. He had brushed my leg, bought me a drink. He was a nice guy and I’ve been so humiliatingly wrong before about these things so I needed the reassurance. I tried to see what he was up to, trying to get him to hang out, but he didn’t bite. Finally, this Friday I asked what he was doing, knowing it was likely his last weekend in town. He said he was busy and had plans Friday night, but would be going out Saturday. I figured it wasn’t worth pushing it more, maybe I had misread things. So last night I was trying to find something, anything to do with other people. Anything. And nothing seemed to be coming through. Then E texted me about a dance party happening at the fruit and I said I wanted to go but couldn’t find other people to go. So it was a plan.
we met up at motorco, a dangerous spot since R and his stupid friends always come around there, and I had a drink. After a few hours we went to the fruit. I Ubered and the other folks biked. I got there and it was crazy techno music and dancing that I didn’t understand lol. Eventually E and other people showed up and I asked him how to dance to this sort of music. It started to be fun. We found some glow sticks and I made a crown ha. We kept dancing closer and closer and eventually kissed while dancing. So much teeth, per usual for me. But it was so fun. He was super smiley and so was I.
after a few hours we left and I went home with him. He’s moving tomorrow so he had all his things packed. We kissed a lot and ran our hands all over one another. He was already hard just from kissing, which isn’t something I’m used to. Got in his bed and continued making out, took our clothes off. There was a slight problem — I just started my period. I told him and he said he didn’t care and had a towel. So we had sex. It was alright, I was nervous a bit and dehydrated but I liked it. Eventually i felt a bit too sore and touched him until he orgasmed. He’s extremely fit, he climbs and cycles so, very nice body. Most of all I didn’t think about R. I told R the last time we had sex, which was after we broke up, that I was so afraid to have sex with other people because it wouldn’t be as passionate as it was with him. I’m not really sure I feel that way anymore. It was special, mostly because I was patient enough to work with him through his hangups and get to a point where he would orgasm almost every time, often inside me (which was not a thing he had previously experienced often. Maybe it only happened one other time).
Anyway, this was such a perfect thing to happen at the perfect time. I’ve been feeling so discarded. I know I’m beautiful and kind and smart and worthy of love and attention, but no one interested me in the slightest. In fact, I only felt emptier and missed R more after being around other men on dates. I hardly thought of him last night. If he thinks of me, he probably thinks I’m with other men, he probably thinks of how other men now get to experience me sexually and otherwise and it probably makes him feel shitty. Not that he would know, but I am happy to make those worries and regrets more valid.
It is sad in some way that E is moving. But it is beautiful to be able to just go for it anyway, expecting nothing to come of it, knowing better than to expect anything. I feel like this is a major step in my healing. Now I can just keep moving away from the past year that was sucked away by someone who was too clueless and selfish to be honest. I may be single for much longer, but I’ll wait for people who are actually interested in me. No more black holes.
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