lucie!

megumi's throat bobbed with the effort of holding back tears for the umpteenth time tonight as the memory unearthed itself, murkily flashing before his eyes distastefully.

'anything? to make us normal again?'

and then you'd given up.

and then tsumiki had given him a much-needed talking to. and hadn't left him alone since. his older sister had been texting him everyday since she'd left his place, checking in with him, asking if he'd talked to you, inquiring on when he finally planned to rip the band-aid and do it.

and tonight, he'd done it. only to be met with well deserved anger and refusal. he'd been expecting it, of course. hells knew he deserved it and much, much more from you. mournfully, he'd accepted it, then shut off his phone and stared at his ceiling for a solid hour.

because he'd finally gone and done it.

all those times he'd thought he'd lost you for good, he couldn't be further from the truth.

now, though?

he had.

he had lost you and you weren't coming back.

or so he thought, because then you messaged him again.

'come over.'

and he had.

'we can talk but u on thin ice'

and he knew.

still in his pyjamas, he'd practically soared out of his sheets, thrown a jacket on and shoved his keys into his pocket. he hadn't even bothered to change out of his house slippers, headset on the front door.

until a half-asleep yuuji on the sat up from the couch, all bed-hair and bleary eyes, the tv on, some love island knockoff playing in the background. he always managed to find some new trash tv to watch. he rubbed his eyes with his fist, confused and dazed, "hey... where you goin'?"

megumi froze, turned and cleared his throat. he'd honestly thought yuuji was asleep when he walked past him just seconds prior. "weren't you just snoring?"

yuuji laughed, raspy, "oh, yeah. i do that for fun sometimes."

"oh... okay." megumi muttered, his own tired brain struggling to catch up. he clawed around his mind for any excuse he could give as to why he was leaving so late, but it was hard to think of anything but you. "uh. i'm getting groceries."

shit.

yuuji blinked, eyes going to the analogue clock on the wall, which read two forty-five am, and then to a window, where the pitch black night sky stared back at him. then he shrugged, "oh, okay."

megumi stared back in disbelief. did he really buy that? sleep deprivation is a powerful thing.

but then again, he thought, a fully awake yuuji probably would've bought it too.

"stupidity is the real power." megumi thought aloud under his breath.

"huh?"

"nothing." he turned to leave.

"waaaait..." yuuji called, then a lopsided, tired grin came to his face, "get me that ramen i like."

"...fine."

and then megumi was gone.

and now he was here. heart lodged somewhere in his throat, blocking every effort he made to swallow his pride and just do it, just knock, and talk to you. even if you didn't accept it. even if you hated him forever. even if you never spoke to him again after tonight.

he had to let you make the decision this time.

he squeezed his eyes shut, clenched his fist hard, nails digging into his palm, and finally lifted his hand and knocked.

footsteps padded towards the door. his heartbeat thumped in his ears, and it took everything in him not to run, to find the nearest exit and to continue avoiding the truth.

the door creaked open, and you stood there, your image mirroring his— pyjamas, messy hair, eyes red-rimmed both from tears and exhaustion, you sniffled, wiped your face with your sleeve, then stared at him.

he stared back.

"...hi."

you didn't bother greeting him back, just sighed and stepped aside, letting him in, then trudged over to the kitchenette. you leaned your hip against the counter, arms folded over your middle in a protective posture, facing away from him.

because you knew if you looked at his face for a moment longer, you'd give in.

you spoke one word, "talk." and when you did, it was hard, raspy and monotone. nothing like the sweet and loving tone that'd always been reserved for him.

megumi stared at your back, still stood by the door, biting the inside of his cheek.

a thin veil of silence stretched over the two of you for a few beats. nothing but the faint hum of the refrigerator and the ticking clock.

tik. tik. tik.

and then he talked.

"i'm sorry." the words hung between the two of you. "i know that fixes nothing."

"yeah." you muttered back dryly.

your cold tone made megumi's chest hurt. but he shook off the ache. this wasn't about him. and he knew he didn't deserve to hear your warm voice when his own frozen hell had caused you endlessly greater pain than he could ever imagine.

megumi rubbed the back of his neck, trying not to lose his train of thought, "that night we broke up," he acknowledged, watching the way your shoulder muscles tensed on the right side where the fabric of your sleep shirt hung off the side. his own throat tightened at the memory, "i wasn't upset about that fight."

you didn't speak. or move.

"i was..." megumi looked down, closing his eyes. this was it. the band-aid. he cleared his throat, feeling tears build along his pinkened waterline, blurring his vision. and then he ripped it. "i suggested we should break up, and i regretted it immediately."

you blinked.

he continued.

"i held our relationship over your head. i made it seem like i wasn't willing to fight for us. that i... didn't love you enough to fight for us."

you heard his voice crack at the word 'love', then a pause, as if he was wiping away tears. and it took all your remaining pride and composure not to turn around. you stared ahead, eyes trained on a fridge magnet, willing yourself to stay stubborn, to stay cold, to give him all he'd given you and more.

"that isn't true." his voice trembled, "and i still don't know why i said it. and i hate myself for it. i... keep thinking about the way your face fell, and how you started crying and begging me to tell me i didn't mean it, and..." megumi sniffled, "i didn't. i knew i didn't. i should've taken it back, i should've apologised, i should've... done a lot. but in that moment, all i saw was that i'd done something so unforgivable, that i'd let my anger control me and hurt you without even realising, and i told myself that if i left you, i'd be protecting you."

"that's bullshit." you finally whispered, silently cursing yourself, because you'd wanted to save it all for the end. to bask in the satisfaction of listening to it all and turning him away. to let him hurt.

"i know." megumi responded.

and you stilled, not having expected that answer from him.

"all this time, i thought pushing you away was the best thing i could do for you. i thought, if i'd done something like that without realising, even if i apologised and you forgave me, what if i did it again?" he breathed out a bitter laugh, "if i didn't see it coming the first time, who's to say it wouldn't happen a second time?"

your jaw tensed. you had so much you wanted to say, you felt rage building in your chest at how convoluted and selfish and dumb and megumi that takeaway was, but before you could even voice it, he did it for you.

"that was selfish of me." megumi said, "i was making decisions for you, without ever once considering what you might want. i told myself i was protecting you, but really, i was protecting myself."

the words felt familiar. tsumiki's. his sister's wisdom. the truth.

he hoped he sounded right. he didn't have the way with words she did, and he'd never been good at communicating his feelings, but for you, he'd try, and he'd learn, even if you decided you didn't forgive him tonight or ever again.

"i was scared," he added, "because if i let you make the decision to forgive me, then i'd also have to forgive myself for what i said."

his eyes burned.

"so i watched you keep showing up, keep trying, keep fighting for me, and i pushed you away every time."

megumi stepped closer. a small, meek, unsure one at first, then a larger one, closing the space between the two of you whilst still leaving your bubble undisturbed, leaving the power in your hands.

"i miss you every day." his throat felt raw.

honesty hurt.

he swallowed it down anyway and took another step.

"i miss talking to you."

his eyes stung.

"i miss seeing you."

he took one more step, and stopped.

"i miss waking up every day and knowing you're mine."

now your eyes welled up. you looked down, blinking hard as tears rolled down your cheeks. your lips trembled as a choked sob clawed its way up your wrecked throat, but you held it in with your tongue, swiping at your nose with your sleeve.

megumi noticed the shift in your body language, from firm and angry and protective to small and sad and longing. he hated himself for it. for all for it. for ever making you feel this way. for the knowledge that all this heartbreak could've been avoided.

"i love you." he whispered.

that did it.

your chest caved in and a small cry escaped you.

"i never stopped." megumi's heart hurt at the sight before him. knowing that yet again, he was the cause of your tears, your pain, your suffering, and he couldn't hold you, couldn't comfort you, couldn't tell you everything was alright and that this was all just one big, bad dream. his vision clouded with more stinging tears, persisting, no matter how hard he blinked them back, "that day, last week, you asked me something."

you visibly cringed at the memory, eyes squeezing shut tight.

"you asked if there was anything you could do to make us normal." he looked down, shaking his head sadly, "and there wasn't. not because of anything you did or didn't do. but because i refused to let you in." he pressed his lips together, "i'm the one who should be asking you that question."

the silence after made your ears ring.

"if you tell me you never want to see me again, i'll understand." he added, "i won't make any more decisions for you." his voice cracked, "but if there's even a small part of you that still wants this... if there's anything i can do to fix this..." his voice trailed off. done speaking. still unsure if anything he'd just said was right or enough.

megumi stared at your back for a solid minute.

you stood there, weeping, thinking over his words, breathing shakily and deeply.

then finally, for the first time the entire conversation, you turned your head, looking back at him over your shoulder.

megumi stared back at you, eyebrows furrowed, cheeks shiny with tear tracks and eyes watery and longing for you, yet waiting patiently for your verdict.

something told you he would've stood there until the sun rose for you if that was what you needed.

"get on your knees." your voice croaked with disuse.

megumi blinked, body going rigid, brows drawing together, unsure if he misheard you.

then slowly, dangerously, a familiar burning glint reentered your eyes.

megumi recognised it.

the look you got right before causing problems.

"...what?"

you sniffled. rubbed your eye and fully turned you body to face him, looking at him properly and giving him a proper look at you.

"you heard me." you said, tilting your head as if daring him to question you again.

silence.

megumi stared, still struggling to compute your command. were you serious?

you stared back, entirely serious.

he swallowed.

then his tall figure sank.

both knees hit your kitchen tiles. his chin tipped up, eyes on you, waiting for your next move.

you stood there. watching him. then pushed off the counter and took a final step, closing the space between you. you leaned down, nose mere inches apart from his, so close you could feel each other's warm breath on your skin.

"apologise." you commaned.

"...i'm sorry." megumi said.

you cocked your head to the side, "why'd you hesitate?"

"i'm sorry." he said again, firmer this time.

"beg me to take you back."

he sputtered.

megumi's eyes raked over your tear-covered face in pure disbelief. he'd just spilt his guts out to you, and this was what you wanted from him?

you raised an eyebrow expectantly.

he looked down at the ground, a pink hue rising to his cheeks. "please take me back."

"look at me when you say it."

he sighed, "please t—"

"oh, i'm sorry," you folded your arms, voice dripping in mockery, "is this an inconvenience to you?"

"no." he mumbled, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, then opening them again and looking at you, "please take me back."

you studied him a few moments, as if contemplating the sincerity of his plea.

then a very pleased grin split your face.

you stood again to your full height, thoroughly satisfied, and ruffled his already messy hair, "i knew it'd all work out in my favour."

chapter 16 ☆ masterlist ☆ chapter 18