cursed

He will tell you how beautiful you are, and how he loves the way your lips just beg to be kissed when you aren’t even wearing lipstick. He will remember the story of your childhood you told him at 3AM months ago. He will make promises, and never break them. He will text you back in the middle of the night, because he’s home, and not out getting drunk. He will sacrifice his happiness for yours, and he will treat you how you finally deserve to be treated. But you won’t accept it, you will continue to question his honesty, you will wonder why it took him an hour longer to reply, you will never expect the good out of a promise. You have been so use to receiving one word responses, and pointless phone conversation, so you don’t really know how to take this. When you two go out, you watch his eyes, not only because they are beautiful, but to make sure they don’t wander to the girl’s walking around. You will be so fucked up by the past you won’t even be able to enjoy the present, so I’m telling you, don’t let it mess with your happiness. Don’t let the jerk that broke your heart break it again without even being in your life. Because when this guy tells you he loves you, he means it, because every beat in his heart says your name, every breath he breathes, he’s soaking you in. He just wants you, and you want him too. So don’t fuck it up, please don’t.

“She would be pretty, if she lost about ten pounds.” What if, shockingly, she was perfectly fine with the size of her clothes? What if, you actually realized that her eyes are the prettiest thing you’ll ever look at? But you won’t give her the time of day because her thighs touch, and she can’t fix in a size extra small. “This is why you shouldn’t make fun of fat people.” You’ll only ever hear this, when there’s a before and after picture involved. Proving that it’s only something to remorse if they decide to become smaller, but if you don’t, they’ll never shut up. They’ll never regret it. “You look good, did you lose weight?” She didn’t lose weight, she just took the time to put on her make up, and do her hair. You know this, but I mean, fat people can only look attractive if they’ve lost weight. Right? “You should be eating more salad instead of fries, and start exercising.” Only if they knew, that she does yoga daily, and is a vegetarian. But due to her genes, she will always have the extra curves on her hips. It doesn’t matter if she runs ten miles a day, trust me, she’s done it. It won’t go away, so deal with it. Isn’t it funny, how just because your body takes up a little more space, it makes you feel less of a person? It’s been in the way girls don’t find him cute, only funny, because when he laughs his tummy chuckles too. It’s how a man will love a girl, inside, but can’t love her on the outside, because she’s got an extra twenty pounds on her. It’s in the way you only see tall and thin on the magazines, and how being a size one isn’t enough. It’s all about being a zero. It’s how girls and guys stay up puking their brains out, following diets that only allow you to eat 200 calories a day. It’s how she can’t feel beautiful standing next to the girl with skinny legs and a thigh gap because she doesn’t look like that, because she never will look like that. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking that thin is the only form of beautiful for men and women. That the only form of attraction is a girl with a concave stomach and a man with six pack abs. I’ve been brainwashed into thinking that I can only be beautiful with skinny wrists and a space between my legs, that I am not beautiful because I need to squeeze into my jeans. That girls, boys, all over the world feel like they must go to the extremes of starving. Starving, because they are starving to be your idea of “perfect.” Well you know what, FUCK your ideas of perfect. Instead of teaching people to change themselves with your ABC diets, and never eating more than a few calories a day, teach them what true beauty is. Teach them that you don’t have to be less of a person to actually feel entitled to be one.

It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.

I want to be the one you want in your mind and your gut and your bathroom but I don’t want you to fuck the whole world to find out.

If you find yourself thinking “Wait. Can’t say that. He’ll think I’m weird and fucked up.” Ditch them and find someone who responds with something twice as weird and three times as fucked up.

Remember, we bathe under the same sun, and sleep under the same moon. We are much closer than you think.

Forgive. Forget. Fake it. Chin up. Wear lipstick, make lists, make sure your voicemail isn’t full. Mix protein shakes, send timely thank you notes, sip drinks more slowly, stare at adults’ eyebrows, smile without dimples, develop perfect posture. Be gracious, be kind, eliminate self-pity. Look in the mirror and shift your internal monologue from ‘How do I look?’ to ‘This is my face,’ from ‘What the hell am I doing?’ to ‘This is my life.’ Capitalize your emails, read the news, walk briskly, stay focused, and never, ever let on that you are somewhat lost and sometimes lonely and so completely confused (and would someone please just let me know what it is I’m supposed to do next, where exactly I’m supposed to go–). Just keep going. Go, and do not stop.