Luni’s Ramblings

Having spent the past 5 years desperately holding on to feelings of home, associated with a few specific people, I’d constantly hold on to hope. But then something clicked, something changed. I can’t identify what happened, what caused those pieces to finally and make sense, but one day I just let go. The praying, the hoping, the waiting, it all just stopped one day. The voice inside my head that would wait for a return, that would be excited to revisit, to relearn, it just died. And in that moment, I let go of 22 years worth of people, places, memories, hopes and fears.

Having all this weight lifted off my shoulders, a part of me feels like a child again. It feels as if pieces of myself that I’d left in foreign lands, in the hands of toxic people, in the hands of friendships that are pure but will probably remain digital for the remainder of my life, have all returned to me. As if I’m whole. Knowing that I’m not waiting for anyone, that I’m not hoping for anything particular.

The art of letting go is one that I’ve been trying to master for years. And every time I thought I’d figured it out, a vulnerable moment would bring me back to square one more often than not. But the time has come, I truly think I’ve learned it, the best I need to know for this phase of my life. Ive learned it in such a way that if old friends were to ask to sit opposite me in coffee shops to offer a friendly hand back into the gist of things, I’d refuse and perhaps even block any forms of further communication. If opportunities arise for me to travel to those places I once called home, I’d probably decline and venture out to new places, places that might one day have similar memories attached to them.

It’s scary and sad, having to let go at all. I sometimes wish we could keep everything and everyone we’ve ever cared for close and safe. But we can’t, and things don’t work out the way we want. But once we let all obsessive tendencies go, once we release complete control, the feeling of absolute peace that follows is one that makes every night of doubt and struggle worth it.

By definition, a Landa Bazaar is a market where second-hand items are typically sold. Increasingly Landa Bazaar’s have begun dealing in smuggled items that have been snuck into the country across borders and sold at a fraction of the market costs. These pieces are then marketed to the less privileged with the entirety of the earnings going to the merchants that sell them. Not technically thrift stores, these markets have popped up around the country either as makeshift shops or housed in permanent buildings and with these unbelievably low costs, they’ve become a hub for the elite class to weed out unique, vintage items.

With these bazaars gaining popularity among fans that could easily afford the same items brand new and at their full prices, eagle-eyed vendors, understanding the opportunity, have begun inflating prices exponentially. While that may seem like a win-win situation for both the vendors and the buyers that can easily afford the hiked costs, the poor for whom these markets were created, now suffer. Though thrifting is an activity that is environmentally friendly and an activity that must be promoted in order to promote sustainable fashion, in a country with questionable morality, the cons outweigh the pros.

A few years ago vintage cameras were easily available in Landa Bazaar’s for costs as low as 400 rupees each. Word caught on and photography enthusiasts scrambled in search for their own cameras where they haggled down the prices even more causing the shopkeepers to set the cost at a whopping 20,000 rupees per camera. A similar occurrence was noted for second hand and European originated smuggled coats and fleece sweaters, hence robbing the needy of good quality warmth they were once entitled to.

Morality plays a huge role in this. Our nation as a whole struggles with integrity in every activity as morality is now largely based on religious parameters. Many share the mindset that whatever has been explicitly prohibited by religion is what must be avoided, yet an idea of any activity in the moral gray area is one that can be entertained. The rich, greed pushing their desires, flock to the Landa’s in search of items that they could afford with ease on a normal basis, yet the aesthetic now attached to going to these markets and finding rare items only to haggle down the prices has negative repercussions for those that truly need these amenities. The vendors too pay no heed to what's inherently right, the desire of a full pocket trumps their inner compasses.

That is so incredibly sweet, I’m so honoured and humbled to know people find solace in my words.

One of the lessons I learnt this year was truly to be wary of the people around me. Someone could be the sweetest to my face, but a horrible person behind my back. I chose to still see the good in everyone I come across, but with cautiousness and with the strength to distance myself at the first red flag I encounter. It’s ironic also, I’ve completely lost the ability to deep dive into friendships. Being the person that I am, I’d been waiting a darn long time to get to this phase of life and be able to make lasting friendships, and while I still hope that I do, I’ve lost the strength to truly gamble and trust the next person and I often find myself creating on-the-surface bonds, rather than indulging in true deep friendships like I always wanted. I chose to protect my peace now and I chose to not even put myself in any position where the next person may end up disappointing me. Maybe with time, as old wounds continue to heal, I’ll learn how to be more forgiving and maybe I’ll let my guard down, but right now there’s nothing better than completely distancing myself from anyone and everyone.

I also feel like myself now. The past few years I’ve been in lots of ups and downs, and I’ve never allowed myself to truly be free and to be me. I was always worried or anxious about a situation or a person or anything at all. I felt constantly tired and exhausted, and i wasn’t myself. Even when things seemingly fell into place to any observer, I was still constantly obsessing over whether something would work out in my favour or not, feeling sorry for myself, and being an anxious mess. For almost a week and a half, I’ve felt so free. I’ve completely let stuff go, moved on, and found peace in all that happened, the good and the bad. I’m enjoying the little things, listening to and dancing to music, I’m bingeing shows and spending happy time with my family. I realised that I was always the child that was constantly smiling and making others laugh, and along the way I lost that about myself. Though I dealt with each trial in life with grace and elegance, I failed because I lost who I was. I went from the girl who’s constantly laughing and pulling some stunt to the girl that’s smiling but is harbouring many anxieties within. But I’m finding her again, and it feels so good.

It’s gotten easier to accept endings. Even though I know I worked really hard on certain situations, and I always envisioned them to last a lifetime, somethings are beyond my control and that’s okay. Not everything you work hard for will come to you, you’ll be rewarded for the effort in another way, but more often than not you have to learn to accept and let go. People act according to their own morals and according to who they are, and you can’t hate anyone for it. However, you can always chose to acknowledge you want no part of who they are and how they chose to live out their days, you can step away and close a chapter that once meant the world to you, that you desperately yearned for once upon a time. Things come full circle, people come to teach you lessons and then they leave, everything ends someday, and it’s all okay. It’s the way it is.

I say this often, but I’ve truly realised my worth. It takes distance from the ones that don’t know to appreicate you to truly realise who you are. I am so obviously aware of all my shortcomings but also everything I have to offer. At this point, it surprises and disgusts me at how much blatant disrespect I put up with in the name of never letting go. I realise how the efforts I did in all phases of life haven’t gone to waste, and that the universe will reward me beautifully when the time is right. I realise now the energy I’ve wasted on bonds that weren’t worth it at the end of the day, and the mess I made of my own self esteem in doing so. I’m worth a million things and I won’t settle until I work for and get them all.

Hi, i’ve been so excited about answering this question all day. 

Okay so first of all, whatever i look for in a close friend is exactly what I look for in a life partner, and that just goes to show that i no longer have many close friends and i’m very stingy about who i allow into my life. Theres so many things to consider and i’ll list them down below. 

So, first and foremost, i look for respect. Not just the ability to respect me, but to actually give me the respect i deserve and demand. This leans a little more towards the life partner aspect of the question, so i look for someone that can come across a crossroad, or is faced with a decision and immediately thinks “will this affect my person in any way directly or indirectly?”. This is the respect i wish to be held to, the conscious thought process of wondering whether their actions will have any negative impact on me ever, and if yes, they avoid doing that thing, or at the very least bring me into the loop about the situation at hand. And this respect is needed in every situation. 

Second, I look for people that bring out the best in me. Those who understand me and my personality, my quirks, my obsessions and my phases, and they accept all of that. People that can look out for my bad qualities and help me fix those errors in private (rather than naming and shaming in public). They support me when i’m at my very lowest, even if they can’t relate because life is treating them well at that point, and vice versa. Someone who never thinks they’re superior based off of the phase of life they may be in. 

Thirdly, they need to contribute to my peace. They need to be people that don’t bring me anxiety, people i can talk to about anything at any time, discuss my problems with, people i can trust wholly and blindly, and lean on for support and laughs and memories. These need to be people that don’t lash out, or make assumptions. People that communicate every bump in the road maturely, and aren’t afraid of explaining themselves, accepting and conveying apologies when needed.  

-I now truly truly believe that the universe does what's best for you. Instead of fretting and panicking, I'm slowly mastering the art of doing my absolute best in any situation and then stepping back and allowing the universe to do what's best for me. Every single time whatever I get, whether it was something I initially wanted or not, has been perfect for me. It's so freeing to know that all we have to do is try our hardest, whether with situations or people, and the universe steers you like on autopilot to whatever will keep you satisfied in the long run.

-Travel! Being stuck at home is exhausting for all of us, but i can’t wait to travel once this is all over. Whether it's a day trip to the mountains or a few hour long plane ride to a foreign place, I can't wait to explore again, to learn new things and meet more people. 

-Though admittedly very damaged in this regard, I'm a hopeless romantic and I can't wait to meet new people! There's hundreds of people in the world right now that will one day be my friends, they’ll know my stories and I'll know theirs and we’ll sit in different settings sharing laughs and making memories that will follow us till the end of our days.

-A little sappy, but it excites me so much to know there's a man out there that doesn’t know my name yet but one day will, and we’ll get to live out our version of ‘happily ever after’ together, raising kids and dogs and learning and growing, becoming homes to each other. Someone to grow with and someone to learn with, that's the dream. 

-Reconnections! Recently I’ve had multiple people from the past come back into my life, some offering apologies for things that used to trouble me deeply, others I instantly reconnected with as if we haven't skipped a beat. There’s something so sweet about reconnecting years down the line, both finally mature enough to compliment each other in just the right way, and that's something i'm truly hopeful for, remeeting and relearning the grooves of people i once adored, having the heart to accept apologies, offer apologies and to get to know these people all over again.

-I’m especially hopeful to stay the way I am, or to grow positively. I’m very proud of the character developments I made within myself, it took years of self introspection, healing, loss and pure depression for me to get here. But now I’m at a point where I can dissociate myself from my actions and understand when and where I make mistakes, and have the heart to apologise, prioritising a bond above my ego. I blame only myself for my actions and chose to rectify those flaws rather to indulge in mind games. And as of right now, I'm clean. The feeling of being clean is one I'll always be hopeful for. Knowing for a fact you’ve not done anything wrong to anyone in the whole world, that you always try your hardest with the purest intentions, that you always put in the hard work, there’s no better feeling. There’s no guilt weighing down on me, there’s no burden I carry of any scars I may have inflicted on anyone, and I feel light, the way I hope to feel for the rest of my life.