devilbesideāā ,Ā Ā philipĀ blake .
Philip holds her up as she goes nearly limp against his chest, arms wrapping around her to support her. He can feel her tears, wet and soaking through the fabric of his shirt, as he works to hold back his own threatening to fall. But heās CRIED for their daughter already, just as heās cried for Sarah already. He clenches his jaw, steeling himself against the tight pain in his chest that has nothing to do with Sarahās fists now beating against it.Ā
He doesnāt flinch, doesnāt move away, just takes it. Because what else can he do? Sheās distraught and itās his FAULT their daughter is dead. Sarah wasnāt there. It was his sole responsibility to take care of her, to keep her safe, and he couldnāt do that. It was his responsibility to keep his family safe and he FAILED to that. Sarah was alive but no thanks to him. He hadnāt even looked for her, hadnāt even considered that she might still be out there after that horde. Heād give up on her.
Itās a question he dreads but one he expects and he stares over her head, gaze unfocused and wandering. Itās not a difficult memory to recount, itās one thatās haunted his nightmares time and time again. Itās his WORST memory without a doubt, one he couldnāt wipe from his mind if he tried, and heās tried. Heās still holding onto her, almost out of habit. He barely feels her there anymore. Sheās warm against his chest but he feels cold. NUMB. There are no more tears in his eyes, whatever was boiling up inside him has settled. He canāt allow himself toĀ feel. Not when it comes to this. Not anymore.
āBrian, Nick,Ā ān Iā¦we found this cabin. Settled down for a few days but another group found us and tried tā take it. I just wanted tā leave but Brian heā¦wouldnāt letĀ āem have it. He went back.ā He can remember it too clearly, the CHILL of the night, the sound of gunfire and struggle and Penny small and terrified and trembling in his arms.Ā āWe hid butā¦they had some people out by the road too anāā¦ā He swallows hard, forcing down the lump forming at the back of his throat.Ā āā¦she got shot.ā He remembers the gunshot. The ringing in his ears. The momentary RELIEF at not feeling the pain of it hitting and the panic when he felt blood soaking into his clothing.
If theyād had weapons. If heād been a braver man. If heād been the man he was now back then. What ifs. It was the past. No use going back over it again but he has too many time already.Ā āShe bled out.ā Heād held her in his arms and felt the warmth leave her body, watched her eyes go glassy and empty, held her until sheād come BACK and tried to tear a chunk out of his shoulder. Heās trembling slightly, tense, not quite realizing that heās starting gripping Sarah a little bit tighter.
Ā Ā Ā inĀ Ā aĀ Ā momentĀ Ā herĀ Ā lifeĀ Ā hadĀ Ā goneĀ Ā fromĀ Ā badĀ Ā toĀ Ā worse .Ā Ā Ā the mere idea that her baby girl hadĀ Ā diedĀ Ā seemed to be overwhelming enough ,Ā Ā but the idea that she had been turned into one of thoseĀ Ā things ?Ā Ā it brought a feeling to sarahās stomach that would ruinĀ Ā theĀ governorāsĀ Ā shoes .Ā Ā there is a flood of selfish relief when philip says she wasĀ Ā shot--Ā Ā that maybe that gave her a fighting chance atĀ Ā restingĀ easy ,Ā Ā but then reality set in .Ā Ā itĀ didnātĀ matterĀ howĀ youĀ died ,Ā Ā and only one question comes to mind .
Ā Ā Ā sheĀ Ā pushesĀ Ā awayĀ Ā fromĀ Ā himĀ Ā toĀ Ā catchĀ Ā herĀ Ā breath ,Ā Ā Ā and immediately her body is as frozen as theĀ Ā ice caps .Ā Ā the words echo in her head like some sort of chant ,Ā Ā sheĀ bledĀ out ,Ā Ā soĀ itĀ wasĀ Ā slow .Ā Ā thereās so many questions that race through sarahās mind ,Ā Ā so many things that she does butĀ Ā does notĀ Ā want to know .Ā Ā itās hard to concentrate ,Ā Ā she feels like the world may spinĀ Ā outĀ ofĀ control .Ā Ā āĀ Ā didĀ she--Ā Ā āĀ Ā silence ,Ā Ā a hitch in her breath and she swallows theĀ Ā lumpĀ Ā rising .Ā Ā āĀ Ā howĀ Ā couldĀ thatĀ happen ?Ā Ā ā
Ā Ā Ā tongueĀ Ā betraysĀ Ā her ,Ā Ā Ā honest question asked ,Ā Ā but not the one evenĀ Ā sheĀ Ā was expecting .Ā Ā she wants toĀ Ā blameĀ him ,Ā Ā and so instead of pain sarah finds anger rising back up ,Ā Ā anger that he had not done more to saveĀ Ā theirĀ Ā daughter ,Ā Ā that he had become the man that sheādĀ Ā heard about .Ā Ā how she had searched for him and penny evenĀ Ā afterĀ Ā she found the prison ,Ā Ā how she swore they had to be out there even afterĀ Ā soĀ muchĀ timeĀ Ā had passed .Ā Ā because somehow believing that they were alive butĀ Ā lostĀ Ā was easier than coming to terms with theirĀ Ā deaths .
Ā Ā Ā ifĀ Ā sheĀ Ā thinksĀ Ā hardĀ Ā enough ,Ā Ā Ā she can flash back to memories fromĀ Ā yearsĀ ago .Ā Ā when they were in their home with leaky pipes and broken doors but they were together ,Ā Ā allĀ threeĀ ofĀ them .Ā Ā she extra misses theĀ Ā smallerĀ things .Ā Ā laying in bed after a long dayās work ,Ā Ā eyes half open as they mumbled their way through a conversation about what theyād done .Ā Ā limbs tangled together ,Ā Ā sarahās hairās probably tickling his nose but philĀ Ā neverĀ complains .Ā Ā those are the moments that she misses the most .Ā Ā those are the moments that keep her words careful ,Ā Ā make herĀ Ā thinkĀ Ā before she acts .
Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā thereĀ Ā wasĀ Ā nothingĀ Ā thatĀ Ā youĀ Ā couldĀ Ā do ?Ā Ā āĀ Ā Ā without details itās much easier to play theĀ Ā blame - game .Ā Ā supplies were hard enough to come by ,Ā Ā butĀ Ā medicalĀ supplies ?Ā Ā and enough to treat a bullet wound ?Ā Ā she doubted that they were in the best ofĀ Ā circumstances ,Ā Ā but still she needed toĀ Ā know .Ā Ā to know that heĀ Ā tried ,Ā Ā that he did everything that he possibly could to save her .
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