Gettin Better

I refuse to come out because last time I did, people I thought were my friends pulled a 180 on me. When they(plural people here mind you)  thought I was a “confused cissie”, they were friendly and understanding and willing to explain things to me. The day they found out that was not the case is when everything went straight to hell.

Overnight, I was supposed to have all this knowledge I didn’t even know existed the previous day. They went from friendly and helpful to flat out rude, potentially even abusive to me. Didn’t matter what I said or did, it was the wrong thing. In my hurt over this, I did something that will continue to haunt me for the rest of my days.

Vague posts were being made, aimed at me. So, I made one back. Regretted it near instantly after posting it, but what was done was done. It got ugly, fast. After more then an ample amount of people pleading with me to cut contact with them, I did. Eventually, I cut contact with them for good. 

Time passed and I thought it was all in the past and that I learned from my mistakes. I was wrong, on both counts. And I got to find out how wrong I was only after the smoke had cleared and I shot myself in the foot and sabotaged two friendships.

Long story short because I really don’t want to dwell more then I already do, I got played. All because of a Secret Santa, no less. Somebody pretended to be my friend while “they” (singular) were telling everybody who would listen that I was harassing them. Why? I don’t know. All I know is the people that was involved with with caught wind I was involved in a Secret Santa while they were doing one and feelings and toes got stepped on. They made a post about doing a background check to make sure no “undesirables” attempted to enter which was actually a brilliant idea. Especially considering what the other Secret Santa ended up being. 

If I am to believe what little I’ve been told, which I don’t have any concrete proof besides word of mouth, they(the plural) had a far more successful Secret Santa and nobody got stiffed out of a gift while the one I was involved in, only people that were the organizer’s “actual” friends got anything. So, the only theory I got is that they(the singular) got upset that the other exchange was far more popular and decided to garner attention to theirs, any way possible.

This whole story essentially ends with me finding out that the odds are the one sending me specific threats and harassment was probably the one that was pretending to be my friend while telling people I was the one doing the harassing. The fact that people associated and stuck with me received harassment only makes it that much more plausible who the true culprit behind it all was.

I got to find that out long after all was said and done and abandoned. That they(plural) couldn’t send me any threats if I had them blocked. And when you block an anonymous , you block the IP address. It was just not possible it was them. Nor could it be anybody they associated with because the ones I did talk to, wanted nothing to do with it at all and just hoped I would move on so that things could just stop.

With what little I had and nothing to lose really, it only left the person that egged me on. And the more I found out, the more likely that was the case. The one telling me what was being said being cagey, that any time I even hinted at not being enthused about keeping up the fight being made with condescending and kind of mocking responses, the sudden black out of communication after I made it clear I refused to engage any longer. Occams razor says the simplest answer is usually the right one.

It really wouldn’t have been hard to find out everything needed to make one sound like they were intimately involved in what transpired all that time ago. I was very loud and open about everything that happened. Too little, too late to keep me from committing social suicide. {And yes I did try to find a better term but that was just the one that fit the best}

I acted rashly, no real thought to my actions, just to get the people I called friends to abandon me. I lashed out, ignored boundaries, answered obvious bait anons in a disparaging fashion, all of it. To protect them from getting hurt I told myself. Instead, I hurt them worse then if I just told them what was happening. That I was receiving threats that they were next on the harassment list for being “intimately involved” with me. Don’t think on that one too much, it makes me want to throw up a lot too.