time and tide, love . 🌊🌙

the last three years of my life have been hell, I can’t even sugar coat it. My cortisol has been through the roof, I have PTSD, I couldn’t leave the house or sleep comfortably. I was constantly anxious, constantly worried about my dad. And the entire time I knew it was a ticking clock, running lower and lower every day, every minute. It was brutal. It was exhausting. On top of that I had very selfish, ill intended people in my life, who did not care about my safety, my comfort, or my best interest.

I get it’s no one’s priority, but looking at the few who did treat me awfully in comparison to the friends that have all managed to be there for me in the ways they can is stark. I wish I could say how much I endlessly appreciate it. It also shows how possible it was to not be treated the way I was by Myles, or by Lucas, or by other people that said they were my friend but weren’t.

So now, after having lost my dad, and then been cheated on right after losing my dad, on top of the last three years and what happened with Myles; I’m tired. I have found I melt into anything soft, I am shown the slightest bit of love from my friends, family, even strangers and I can feel myself needing to hold back tears. I feel so sympathy baiting but I can’t help it. My body really does feel like it’s tipped over

People being gentle with me has been such a gift. Realizing I may need space to be allowed to have feelings has been so crucial to me because I really was deprived off that far too often when taking care of a sick parent who I KNEW was going to die and then DID.

The horrible really makes me appreciate the good, the small and the big. I wish I had poured myself into people that deserve it the most better than I have over the years, including myself. But I guess it’s okay that I can always start.