☆ Luna Insights ☆

When you have a duty of care to children, it's SO EASY to forget about yourself. It's a common belief that we have to always put children first, no matter what. Are you telling yourself this? Of course at times your child will NEED to come first, but the truth is, you can only meet their needs effectively when you are meeting your own needs first. So many times you sacrifice your wellbeing in order to 'give your child the best'. You stop seeing your friends, you stop spending time with your partner, you stop doing things you enjoy, you stop taking time for yourself and you stop investing in yourself, all because you think you must. And where does it lead you? Tired, stressed, burnt out, resentful?

I invite you to take a long deep breathe, then ask yourself the following questions with total honesty and without judgement: if you're frequently putting yourself last, what kind of lesson do you think that is instilling in your kids? Do you think it will serve them to see you showing your own needs do not matter?Now take out your journal. Where in your life are you sacrificing your needs 'for the sake of the kids'? What could you change to lead a better example for your children? How will you show up for yourself in a way that will teach your children to show up for themselves?

Dear parent, this is your reminder that YOU are important too! It's also your invitation to come and join the soulful parent revolution. If you are a parent of a child age 2 – 7 years, you can do so here: https://www.tiktok.com/@authenticbloomers

For generations, emotions have been misunderstood. These days, we are becoming more and more aware of the impact our emotions have on our lives and how important it is for us to feel; how important it is to give our children space to feel. Many of us though are still stuck feeling overwhelmed, stressed or afraid of certain emotions, especially when we first experience them coming from a child. Society teaches us emotions should be ignored; children teach us emotions should be expressed, however both sides tend to go from one extreme to the other. A child's experience of an emotion is usually loud, aggressive and/or seemingly dramatic. An adults experience (by societies standards) of an emotion may either be the same as a child's, denied, stuffed or forgotten. Most of us become obsessed with feeling happiness, and will try anything in order to experience that emotion on a constant basis. It's understandable. I mean, who wouldn't want to be happy all the time? And of course, we all want that for our children, right? But the truth is, it's just not attainable, especially when we run from all the other emotions that show up. Just like any other emotion, happiness too comes and goes, and although we can absolutely achieve happiness for the majority of our lives, we usually wind up experiencing mostly suffering instead. I'm sure it comes as no surprise to hear that life is all about balance. Well, the same rule applies for emotions and it just so happens that in terms of emotions, happiness is overruled with 'negative' emotions. That's just how our anatomy works. All emotions serve a purpose and our brains are designed to keep us alive, which means it's hardwired to look for threats, and therefore it also predominantly runs on automatic. Thought requires time, and time is a hindrance when it comes to survival.

Now, we cannot change our emotional reactions, however, we can let our emotions guide our physical actions in a responsive manner by becoming conscious. We have no choice in what actually makes us feel joy, anger, fear or sadness; it either does or it doesn't, but we can control what we allow into our lives and influence how often we feel these emotions. We may choose to immerse ourselves in what makes us experience happiness, or to punish ourselves by surrounding ourselves in negativity. Emotions we dislike cannot necessarily be avoided, but we can do our best to steer away from unnecessary harm. Over time what made us once feel scared may leave us, but it is not something we can simply just wish away. Doing so will in fact make it stay (with substantial consequences), but sometimes what happens with fear, is we can overcome them by proving to our brain (the part which is in charge of our survival), that there is actually nothing to be afraid of. Now that's not to say the fear was not real or it's invalid, I'm simply saying that just because it is there, doesn't mean it needs to be.

There's a difference between what's rational and what's irrational. Rational serves us, irrational does not. If you're standing in the middle of a road and suddenly a car comes speeding towards you, anyone would feel a rush of fear because a crash might result in death; your life is in danger, and so your instincts may instigate you to flee, which will lead you to safety. However, if you are standing in the middle of a stage about to recite a piece of writing for the first time, you may feel a sense of fear because the audience may not like what you have to perform. That experience may humiliate you, which of course won't kill you, but it may cause you to freeze. Your body freezes to protect you from being able to take a risk; if you don't take the risk, rejection is impossible to happen. From one perspective, community rejection can in fact lead to death because being a social creature, we need a community in order to survive. However, from a more likely perspective, being rejected won't lead to this extreme and therefore, this kind of reaction is no longer needed as it was for our ancestors, which makes it irrational. Despite drastic human evolution, our bodies haven't yet caught up and it often tricks us into thinking we are unsafe, when in fact we are not. This is exactly why it is so important to be conscious of our emotions, so we can make rational decisions in relation to them. When we notice an irrational reaction to an emotion, we can make a reflective decision to let it continue to consume us or to face it. We can choose to let our emotions hurt us, or whether we use them to help us grow. Emotions are never permanent; they frequently come and go. We can choose to let emotions linger or we can let them go.

I invite you to reflect upon a situation where you experienced a reactive emotion, one of which caused you to take an action automatically. Was this reaction necessary for your survival, or was it a false alarm? How could you prepare to take back control if this situation were to happen again?

~ Authentic Bloomers: Soulful Parent Revolution

I wonder if like me, anyone else has taken for granted their ability to form pictures in their mind. It wasn't until I met someone with Aphantasia that I truly began to appreciate and therefore actually use my ability to visualize things. Honestly since then, it has become such a big part of my life. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, around 2% of the population have Aphantasia. It means they physically do not have the ability to form pictures in their mind. When I first came across someone who had this rarity, I was bewildered. I found it so difficult to grasp its existence and so I prodded my new found friend with questions and consistently challenged her to attempt to do something she was literally incapable of doing. Fortunately, she wasn't threatened by my curiosity. This concept of not being able to visualize at all fascinated me, and yet it also made me feel incredibly sad for her. I have to admit, it took me a while to actually be convinced, because the idea for me was so foreign, but after a while, it made me realize how fortunate I was that I could visualize. Even though I knew I had struggled with it, from that point on, I began the intention to pay more attention and strengthen this gift of mine I didn't even know I had. Every time I was with my friend who had Aphantasia, I turned within to see whether pictures were forming through every conversation. They were and over time, they became more and more vivid; my self awareness was strengthening. I remember thinking back to the many times I felt frustrated because I found it so hard to visualize things when I wanted, and suddenly, now I just could. Every visual guided meditation I took part in, I could do with ease. Who knew all it would take was to have gratitude and pay attention. It's made my recovery journey a more powerful one being able to create visual stories of what I want to manifest, to connect visually with my inner child and to better relate to others through being able to visualize what they have been through. I am far more in touch with my empathic abilities now because of this. At times, it can be painful to visualize every story, but that pain has allowed me to better accept and understand how I and others feel. It became another reason why it was so important for me to build up my resilience and another reason to keep me accountable for what I do. I have only just now come to realize this was the true starting point of strengthening my self awareness.

If you are/have been a people pleasing adult, you'll know what it's like to live in a constant state of anxiety. How chaotic it is to frequently be worrying about what people think, how stressful it is to wonder whether your every action is going to cause some kind of conflict and how tiring it is to keep up with everyone's non communicative demands. I wouldn't wish this kind of life style on anyone, let alone a child and yet we appear to live in such a world that almost encourages children to live this path. Children are so often expected to cater for an adults needs, when what they need, is to have their needs catered for by us. It's not a child's job to take care of adults, it's our job as adults to take care of them. Now this may seem obvious as I write it, however I see so often, little ways in which adults teach children to be responsible for them. One being how adults openly express how their child's actions make them feel certain ways and though this may seem harmless, I can assure you that when it occurs consistently, it's not. “You made me angry – I feel sad when you hit your sister.” When we say these things we are not only showing children they have power over us, but also that they are responsible for our feelings and they most certainly are not. When this happens, children learn to mould their behaviour to ensure they avoid 'making us upset' and they also learn to rely on others for their happiness and sense of self-worth. As adults, it is solely our responsibility to take accountability for all of our own feelings. Even if we do not know how, we have the ability to regulate and control our feelings, whereas children do not. If we are feeling upset, by all means it is okay to express that, but we do not need to imply it is a child's fault. Even if we don't directly blame a child for how we feel, when we explain that a child's action has led us to feel this way, we send a message that it is their fault. We can take that opportunity to show our child how we manage that emotion instead. “I'm feeling angry right now, so I am going to take some deep breaths.” I realize this may not make sense to some of you; some of you may be thinking 'I'm just trying to teach my child to be considerate and empathetic.' Of course I absolutely encourage this, after all, being open about our feelings builds emotional intelligence, but there are more appropriate ways to do this. Using children and animals is best for this, as they too are vulnerable just as your child is. If we are ever going to succeed in preventing children to become over responsible, people pleasing beings, we as a society need to stop encouraging children to feel responsible for our feelings.

I'm sure none of you reading this, want your child to learn that putting other peoples needs ahead of their own is okay. Therefore, I invite you to become conscious of how you are speaking to your child; make it your mission to pay close attention when strong and unpleasant feelings arise, and do your best to refrain from explaining why (if it has been provoked by your child's actions). Of course no-one is perfect, and there will be times you may slip up. The important thing here is to try.

How do we teach our children respect? By showing respect.

How do we teach our children boundaries? By having boundaries.

How do we teach our children empathy? By practising empathy.

How do we teach our children anything? By being an example.

When we mask a demand with a request it's confusing. When we do that to children especially, it shows them they don't have a choice when they have a right to one. "Will you do this for me please?" we say. I know it seems nicer to ask, but is it actually? - Often times our children will say yes when we ask for help, because they love to be helpful, especially the little ones, but one day they won't, and it's common that adults don't like that response, so then they get mad, the child gets punished and the child learns saying no isn't safe. It's no wonder when we become adults so many of us find it difficult to say no, because saying no meant a negative consequence. I've watched children get told off multiple times for saying no when they were asked to do something. It breaks my heart. I mean is it really that difficult to make the demand in the first place, or actually give the child the option to say no? Would we find it disrespectful if another adult turned down our request? I doubt it. So why do we treat children this way? Why don't children get the same respect? If we don't want to do something we've been asked to do, we are allowed to say no, but for some insane reason this doesn't seem to apply to children. It's total madness. If you are reading this thinking, 'this is me', I get it. I suspect this same thing happened to you as a child, it sure happened to me, and for a long time I did it too, but then I realized one day how crazy it was to just expect our every request to be met. Children aren't machines, they are humans and when we present them with a choice, of course they are going to respond that way. 

Next time you are about to make a request of your child, before you speak, I invite you to ask yourself: is this something they must do or is it something I would just like them to do? If it's the first, don't ask; demand. If it's the second, be ready for the answer to be no and if it is, accept it. Children need adults to be direct, they need to be shown they deserve respect just the same as anyone else, and children need to be taught that it is OK to say no, because it is!

So often we are told that we cannot possibly achieve our dreams; that our expectations are unattainable. I challenge this belief, for I have come to understand that if we can dream it, then we can achieve it. If we all listened to what most people told us, we wouldn't have wheels, aeroplanes, electricity... These things only exist because those who invented them, started with an idealization. If we want something, simply by fantasizing about it, that spark can often lead us to take action and those actions lead to completion. 

So often we forget to make time for ourselves. We get so busy making sure everyone else's needs and desires are being met, that time and time again, we feel fried. Taking time out for ourself, even if only for five minutes, can make such a huge difference to our family life. The truth is, when we don't make time for ourselves, we cannot actually give our best to the children we care for. We wind up with a short fuse, or hyper-focused on the things that don't actually matter. For many of us, what's most important, is that our children are cared for, so even in times we aren't convinced we are important enough to come first, we need to take a break and take care of ourself first because our children need us at our best, and we literally cannot be our best when we feel run down, stressed or depressed.

Today I invite you to spend some time with yourself, entirely by yourself, doing something YOU love. Whether that's taking a bath, eating your favourite meal, doing a puzzle, listening to music or meditating; if not for you, do it for your children. Today is the day for taking yourself on what I call, a soul date.

It's world mental health day and I want to share the importance of taking care of ourselves, not only for during this time, but every day of our lives. Many people view this term as something that focuses only on the things we suffer from, however I also know it as a day for awareness, in regards to the state of our whole mental health. It may be that we are suffering, it may be that we are not. We may take this opportunity to share our vulnerabilities or we may share our strength. Of course it is so important to discuss mental health illnesses and I also think its important to recognize how far we may have come. I for one, used to struggle so much with mental health issues, but it is only with that awareness that I began to heal from the traumas I endured. Over the past week I have immersed myself in the expression of my trauma and watched many conversations from the online series 'the wisdom of trauma' and it reminds me of just how important it is to talk about these things. I know from my own experiences that the very thing that stopped me from managing and healing from my past trauma is the very fact I didn't feel safe to talk about it, which meant I actually remained in denial from it for the majority of my life. That very thing progressively made it worse. Of course no-one should ever have to go through any type of trauma, but the sad reality is that we all do and we shouldn't be shamed for admitting it. Adverse childhood experiences are not our fault and I cannot stress that enough. They lead many of us to a harmful path, even when we don't mean to, not only to ourselves, but to others too. We have all had times that we have lashed out, withheld love or blamed someone else for our hurt. For some of us that meant living in our own built prison inside ourselves and for some of us that meant actually going to prison. Honestly if I did not have a safe space to share what I went through, and discover just how much I went through, I don't think I would be anywhere near where I am today. I am not proud of some of my past, but I feel lighter understanding what led me to that place and through knowing that I am not alone. There are still so many of us who have no idea about the implementations trauma had and still has on us and it is my biggest wish that every one of us just become more aware of ourselves: of how we treat ourselves, of the emotions we suppress, of how we project onto others, so that we can all work to make the world a better place. I invite you today to take a good look at yourself. How do you talk to yourself? How do or don't you express your emotions? How do you view and treat other people? What is your story in the past and what is your story now? I invite you to explore these things honestly and without judgement. If you are feeling brave, I invite you to take it one step further and share your findings: with me, or someone you trust. Open up this conversation with those that are safe.

Often when we are triggered or neglecting ourselves in some way, our inner child comes to surface. We may hear thoughts like "I am not good enough" "nobody loves me" "it's all my fault". It's especially important in these times to take extra care of ourselves and treat ourselves the same way we would a child. A lot of us struggle with this, but we find it easier to comfort others we care about. Imagine this person speaking inside your head is not you, but a child - YOUR child. What would you say to your child if they said these things to you? The likelihood is you would reassure them, comfort them, show them kindness, love and compassion. Why? Because that is what they deserve; you want them to know just how special and important they are, you want to protect them, support them, take care of them, because you love them... Well guess what? The very same applies to you. We may have not been shown this when we were younger. We may have endured such pain, punishment and conditional 'love' from those who are supposed to love us unconditionally. All we may know is to treat ourselves the exact same way we have been treated, and that may be as though we meant absolutely nothing. All this negative shit we tell ourselves is not true, and it is not okay. We deserve the exact same loving treatment a child deserves; we too are worthy of that. You deserve to be LOVED exactly as you are - regardless of your mistakes, differences, the choices you make, how you look, and regardless of what others say or think of you - no strings attached! We love babies, animals, nature, unconditionally, for literally no logical reason; we just do. Why shouldn't we love ourselves exactly the same way?

If you are a parent/guardian of a child age 2 -  years and you would like some guidance in reprogramming the way you talk to and treat yourself, I invite you to come and have a chat about working with me: https://calendly.com/authenticbloomers/120min?month=2021-10

You know what I admire most about children? Their transparency. Children are beautiful in that way. They are born authentic. They are pure and honest and will unapologetically express themselves as and when they need to, until we as adults interfere with that. I for one, made a vow to myself to be the person who celebrates each and everyone's differences, even when I don't necessarily agree or like it. Some may see me as too relaxed, some may be cautious of me because of that, and some may see me as idyllic for that. I suspect you know which one would be preferred, though honestly any views of me are okay. I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea, but I still strive to be the kind of person whereby people feel safe to be themselves around me. So far I've succeeded in that and I like to think that it will only grow in others as I continue to grow in myself. Being around children has taught me how to embrace that; they sparked in me the courage to be authentically me and I have come to truly believe that our children are just as much our guardians and we are theirs. Children can teach us so much if we just pay attention. They show us what they need and remind us of what we need. I notice they hold so many qualities many of us aspire to have. It took me a while to realize this, but we already have everything that we see in them; it's just that often we lose sight of it. Things like playfulness, compassion, empathy, rawness, creativity. The thing is, if we can see these things in our children, it means we have it too. Not just because they may be flesh and blood, or because they learnt it from us, but because we too were born with those same abilities. We once knew how to be fully ourselves, we once didn't care about the opinion of others, we once knew exactly who we were and what we stood for, and we once trusted ourselves wholly and completely. I take action to live that way every single day and you can too.

I invite you to relive a day from a child's point of view; the child you care for, or your own inner child. Let yourself remember what it's like to be 100% authentic, to be autonomous, to be free.

Next time you feel a particularly uncomfortable emotion, I invite you to sit with it and then reflect on your experience. What experience caused this emotion, and what, if anything, can you change about this experience?

At times we tell a child "you're OK" because we just want the noise to stop.

At times we say this because we cannot bare seeing the child upset.

At times we say this because we are trying to comfort the child.

At times we say this because we are trying to convince the child there's nothing to be sad about.

The reality is though, that a child who is crying clearly is NOT ok. Something has happened which has upset them. Whether that something is something we understand or not, it doesn't matter. They literally wouldn't be crying otherwise, yet society drills into us to steer away from sadness. I used to use this phrase often, and yet I have come to despise it. To me, it was normal, and perhaps like you, I genuinely believed it was the right thing to do. The truth is, I was none the wiser... You see, through my recovery, I have come to learn that all these scenarios are actually forms of manipulations, and invalidations - they show a discomfort to sadness: that tears are something to be afraid or ashamed of. Of course we don't want our children to be in pain, but what many of us don't realize, is that this simple phrase has the power to cause far more damage than what we are trying to avoid. We simply cannot prevent all pain, nor should we be trying. Pain is a part of life, and as guardians, we can only do so much to protect the children in our care. Part of that protection is emotional validation, part of that protection is freedom, part of that protection is acceptance in expression. None of these things come from being told "you're OK" when a child is not okay. I cannot stress enough how unhelpful it is to say "you're OK" to a crying child. There may be times though where it may be appropriate to say: "it's OK" or "it will be ok." - most likely when reassurance from a distressing situation is at hand; otherwise, a child in tears needs to hear things like: "It's OK to cry" or "I see you are feeling sad right now because..." or "I'm here for you" or "you are safe" or "I will sit with you whilst you cry it out." We need to teach our children that it is OK not to be OK, because it is. We all need to stop running away from sadness. We need to teach children that allowing ourselves to FEEL pain is the very thing that will actually end the pain. Sadness doesn't last forever. Sadness itself cannot actually hurt us. Sadness is a means to letting go of what does hurt us. Those tears that appear, they literally are there to heal us.

Now you’re aware of this, I invite you to make a vow right now to make a conscious effort to change this behaviour. Who's with me?

What do you see when you look at this photo? I bet you're looking at it thinking, 'wow, what a gorgeous figure'. You probably see someone who is healthy and happy; someone who has her life together, right? I'll tell you what I see... I see an adolescence who literally starved herself to get here. I see someone who at almost every opportunity turned her nose up at food, and when she ate just one square of chocolate or a single crisp, told you she was full up. I see a vulnerable girl who excessively exercised and believed that her only worth was her tiny size. I see a sad, inauthentic and angry child, who violated her body and self-esteem just to be looked at by those of the opposite sex, who masked her face with countless smiles, when in actual fact what she desired most was to die. I see someone who despite having a small frame for the first time, still couldn't look in the mirror without penalizing herself for all her faults. I see a young lady who when looking at photos of herself, felt disgust because she still somehow believed she was fat. I see someone who compared herself to every other female thinking she wasn't good enough. Even though she was finally being noticed, away from that external validation, she couldn't bare the sight of her physical self, and she still took a hundred selfies just to get one she vaguely liked. I see a woman desperate to be seen, to be accepted, to fit in, to be loved. I see a self loathing, shattered soul, who cried uncontrollably every single night. When I look at this photo, I see such deep routed pain. I see not life, but someone barely holding on.

I see this photo this way because I know the true story. This 18 year old female, is me... - Weight stigma is one of the most dangerous and toxic society acts and yet it continues to be the norm. Diet culture is one the leading causes for eating disorders; it ruins people's lives and most of us are completely oblivious to the body shame we partake in day in day out. We teach children to watch what we eat and we tell them certain foods are only a treat. We constantly voice what foods we should and shouldn't consume to our girlfriends and we model our sizes into categories good and bad, without even knowing the facts. We comment on people for gaining a few inches; we belittle, turn down and criticize people for being overweight and we compliment people for losing pounds. We buy into the body altered magazines, we hide our rolls, we cover our skin, we refuse to buy clothes that frame our true figure, we invest in low fat products despite the consequences, we fund weight loss programs that don't even work, we restrict our food choices even though we need it and we then lie about what we do and do not eat. Don't you see? We are contributing to the very same stigma that causes what we are trying to prevent. How can we expect our daughters to love their bodies when our actions show that we as a human race, can't even accept size? We need to stop this madness. We need to take action. We need to start turning this issue around. Right. Now.

Stop comparing yourself negatively to others – stop insisting you need to lose weight for the summer – let your kid eat their meal in whatever order they want – stop telling yourself you can’t wear this or that because you don’t have the figure for it – give yourself permission to eat what you want, whenever the hell you want it – give your little one food when they say they’re hungry – exercise because it’s fun, not because you must burn off the calories – actually enjoy the food you prepare and for goodness sake, just eat the damn cake!

It’s taken me a lot of courage to write this, but I believe it’s necessary to share my story; the story that drove me to do what I do now. A story in which I hope will inspire others to do whatever it takes to truly become their SOULful self, without the expense of years of unnecessary suffering for generations to come; to create a better world, and a better future for children. I believe with everything I have and everything I am, that the answer is to be a better role model; the ability to be truly authentic; to be vulnerable, to be honest, to be compassionate – the ability to be raw, healthy and unconditionally loved (not just to others, but to ourselves), and most importantly, the ability to teach children to do the very same...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a real run in with child I deemed difficult for a good few months. I thought I had known difficult, I thought I had known challenge, I thought I knew compassion, and I thought I knew patience, but nothing could have prepared me for what I experienced living in Texas. I had an inkling, when I agreed to take the job that something wasn’t quite right, that perhaps I had something to do with the family falling apart; not to say it was my fault in the end, but if it wasn’t for me, I don’t think a divorce would have even been an option. That experience in itself was completely alien to me, but as strange as it may sound, I'm glad it occurred, for more than one reason. The battles I faced taking care of children whose parents who weren’t 'there' was something else. From my own history, I knew what it felt like to have physically and emotionally absent parents, but I hadn’t really even thought about it much; it was something I buried a long time ago, for the sake of my own sanity, or so I believed...

As the weeks went by, it got harder and harder to handle one particular child’s emotions. She had anger issues I had never come by, she would kick, scream, throw things, pinch, bite; you name it, she probably did it, and mostly towards herself. It was heart breaking to watch, and personally, I had no idea how to handle anger myself because I had always been so afraid of it. I tried, and at first for a while it helped massively. In the beginning I couldn’t say I knew for sure exactly how I did it, I would have guessed that the stability, routine, discipline and care I provided was what made all the difference, but the angry outbursts just kept coming back. At first for a long time, I had a good handle on it (her mother praised me a lot for it), but eventually, there came a point after her father had left for good that I couldn’t handle it anymore. The struggles we faced in the morning especially became too much for the both of us. Trying to get her up and ready for school was the most infuriating situation. I knew she was tired (because she hadn't had enough sleep), but I hoped she would just get up. She didn’t. I felt like I was at war with this tiny human every single morning. I resorted to using force to get her dressed and I hated it. I felt like I was physically abusing her even though I knew I wasn’t. There were times that I reluctantly took her to daycare in her pyjamas or with no shoes on because I just didn’t have the energy to fight her. I started to forget things (which for me was unusual), so I would then have to sacrifice my valuable time off work to rectify my mistakes; time that had become so much more precious to me now. I can't even explain how much my brain and my body were exhausted. I started to lose my temper more and more; I found myself starting to shout at her, and at times fantasizing of seriously hurting her – not only during the times we struggled, but on every single occasion she disobeyed me, or challenged me, or got upset. I had completely lost my cool. I had almost completely lost all my compassion and it got so bad I found it near impossible not to snap with not only her, but her sister too. I stopped wanting to play with them, talking to them or even being around them because the very sight of them made me literally want to kill them. To be honest, even as much as I got on well with my host family, I didn’t want to be around any single person in the family anymore. I just wanted to escape and for the job to be over. I obsessed over the second I would be away from them; to be free from the demons I now saw those children as. I hated them, and at the same time even more so, I absolutely hated myself. It took me every ounce of mental strength I had not to act upon the dark thoughts I was frequently having. I often felt terrified, extremely confused and so ashamed to have such brutal vivid images going through my head. I knew in my heart the last thing I wanted was to hurt anyone, and yet because the resentment I was experiencing was so intense, what I actually felt was quite the opposite. The internal battle I faced was a living nightmare. What kind of person would want to do such horrific things, to anyone, let alone a child? Generally speaking, I am not the kind of person who would even consider hurting a fly, but I was just so incredibly angry. I felt so overwhelmed and so very lost, but most of all, I felt isolated and at the same time, suffocated. I was going crazy; in fact at this point in time I believed I was beyond crazy; that I had now actually become psychotic. I knew it needed to stop. It needed to stop before I did something I would regret for the rest of my life. I HAD to do something, but I didn’t know what. Somehow, I still had enough control of myself to hold back my true rage. Thankfully, I had enough power to prevent myself from doing any severe damage, just long enough to get help...

It wasn’t until I found ACA (a 12 step recovery program for ‘Adult Children’) that I discovered I was not alone. To hear that other people had thoughts such as my own, sometimes even worse, made me realize it was just an extract of rage; an internal reaction to a lack of control and inability to regulate and release such powerful emotions. I learnt that it was okay to imagine absolutely anything in my head, so long as they didn’t become a reality. After all, they are just thoughts, and everyone has them, even if they don’t usually speak of them. Over time I got to the bottom of why I reacted so; I came to understand that these behaviours were a reflection of my parents. That, of course made me become even more resentful of my father than I thought I was even capable of, but eventually, I learnt to forgive him. And then my mother, who I hadn’t even known (or to say ‘accepted' would be more appropriate) abused me, because I came to understand it was all they knew. Generation to generation, people passed on their dysfunctional ways, for the most part without even knowing they were doing so, because back then people simply didn’t have the knowledge we do now. My father had often told me he was doing his best and I couldn’t believe him, not until now. His best was by far not, and still is not even close to good enough, but at least I now know that as much as I don’t like it, at least this statement of his was actually the truth. ‘Parenthood' changed my life. And I know officially I have never been a parent, but I for sure got as much of a realistic taster of being one. Officially, I was an au pair, but honestly I was just as much of a parent to those children as their actual parents were. If it wasn’t for that child, one of only three years old, I never would have found ACA. I likely never would have got my shit together. I never would have come out of denial and I certainly would not be trying to teach others to also become their very best loving self so the children in their lives don’t have to go through the same shit they have thus far in the world. I thought I knew love. I didn't, not really, not until I discovered ACA. The truth can be scary, but there is nothing scarier than the effects denial can cause.

I want to add that I hold no ‘ill feelings’ over any person mentioned in this blog. My Texan host family were wonderful (despite some of our differences) and I love them dearly to this day.

Don't forget to shed your tears;

That will help you heal.

When you feel mad,

Let it out through any means of exercise.

When you feel scared,

Do what it takes to be safe.

When you feel happy,

Share your smile with the world.

If ever you feel too much,

Give yourself a break;

It's okay to take a time out,

So long as you come back.

Be brave; it's okay to make mistakes.

Remember, feeling is normal; it's human.

Emotions are only ever temporary.

Letting them out is how we learn,

It's how we grow,

It's how we build relationships.

It's okay to express yourself,

It's okay to talk about it,

It's okay to just write about it.

No matter how you feel,