IvoryMaren

i was told this was the weirdo and freak site. why am i getting recommended taylor swift gif sets.

You make me so angry. You make me so angry because I want to focus on all the shit you have dragged me through and the Multiple times you have led me on and the fact that despite all the anger I am trying to stoke the most primary emotion I feel in regards to you is still want. After everything, it's still want. And the third most prominent emotion I feel towards you is fear, because I'm worried you are all I am ever going to want. It's persisted through years of no contact and ample evidence of your lack of reciprocating affection, so who's to say it won't last forever? Who's to say.

i used to get satisfaction from experiencing things through media. watching tv shows, movies, reading books about romance and love and close friendships that endure time and space made me happy, soothed the wound in my chest that grieves for what i have lost, what i have never had. but the novelty has worn off. i can only read about it for so long before i've seen all the tropes. i want to experience it viscerally. and i can't bring myself too. i am stuck, frozen, waiting for others to make the first move, standing around waiting, hoping those around me can somehow read my mind and now what i want, what i can't bring myself to stay. and i don't know how to start moving.

the scary thing is that this is how it is supposed to work. america has always been a republic, there is and never was any democracy to break. the founding father's greatest fear was common people having too much control over the government and they created it the way they did to insure that the ruling class could always retain the most power. the checks and balances built into our system are there to prevent too much say from the public. and the supreme court ruling is the most obvious sign of this we have seen in a while.

i feel..... crushed, if you will, by the weight of being responsible. i don't want to make decisions that are "best for me long term" and "make the most sense" i want to do what i want with no consideration for anyone else for once in my life

my anxiety is rarely in the moment, i act like how i imagine normal people act then i get in the car and i think, "wow. no one has ever said so many stupid things in a row. you don't know how to have a conversation, everything you said was stupid, everyone hates you despite showing no signs of that and also, everyone thinks you are bad at your job, complain too much, and, did i mention, stupid". and then i'm like "ok, perfect. glad we covered that, same time and place tomorrow, on the less than 15 drive home from work with one of three rotating bon iver songs as a sound track"

i love you so much. i want you here with me. i want you to watch me grow. i want you to come visit me at my job. i want to see you one more time, give you one more hug. i don't know what to do with all the things i want to tell you, all the stuff you should know about me. how does such an integral part of my life just disappear? how am i supposed to process life without you when you were always here?

the essence of customer service is someone literally calling the store to complain that they had to wait a whole seven minutes for their drive up order because they couldn't figure out they could still tell us they were here without putting a space number because we had to bring them (the space numbers) in due to strong wind. then having to maintain a professional response when your whole brain is screaming AHHHHH I DONT WANT TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE THIS ENTITLED. god forbid they wait less than ten minutes for their items that would take them a minimum of twenty to get themselves.

i try not to be jealous. they are my friends, i should be happy for them that they are having an easier time than me. but i am not happy, and i am very jealous. i wish i didn't have to work. i wish i could do whatever i wanted and not have any responsibilities besides school. but that is not my life or my circumstances and i have to work and i have to listen to them complain about how bored they are. i wish i had the luxury of being bored. i wish reminding myself that i am learning life lessons now instead of later would be comforting instead of borderline irritating and something my dad would say.

i'm feeling sentimental today. sappy. i miss you, am reminiscing on all the fun we had. on the melted wax feeling you always made me feel. we had fun together! we went to costco, cuddled in the dark. your mom made us soup. we texted that whole thanksgiving break. none of that matters. i have to remind myself that in the end, you never picked me. that is what matters. i was never your first choice, always the one that was there, always the one to initiate. i remind myself that you are bad news when i get to wanting you.