There is one sky, one destiny.

Every step forward will always be a step closer to home.

Kingdom Hearts 3 + Colors of the Rainbow

“To be perfectly honest, I’ve grown to not dislike non-exciting things. When you have people like me…we can tend to be seen as long-winded and boring.”

Xeha pursed his lips upon the mention of his elder self. He had such complicated feelings towards himself as an older man. He knew that he was capable of manipulation, but also speaking clear truths at the same time. Did they both feel genuine empathy for the queen?

“Yes, from what we’ve been able to investigate, we have reason to believe that pure hearts are here in this kingdom.” The silver replied to her first question, before he was able to really notice her expression.

There was pain, fear, and sorrow on her face. Though Xeha had repressed so many of his emotions, he had the slightest urge to comfort Elsa.

“It’s not an overnight process, unfortunately. You must be willing to accept that your powers are a part of you, and that they can’t be gotten rid of. They make up your entire being, you are not wholly ‘you’ without them, Your Majesty. If you grow in touch with your emotions and focus your abilities when you truly want them to emerge, then your fear will gradually subside. This palace is not a symbol of fear, but it shows that even as a queen, you need somewhere to be to yourself on occasion. It is not weakness to be scared.”

      She   could   never   see   these   powers   as   anything   but   a   monstrous   ability.   Every   time   she   glanced   towards   her   hands   she   remembered   the   day   she   struck   Anna   with   her   powers.   That   memory   lived,   replayed   within   her   mind.   A   traumatic   display   that   only   served   to   further   drive   her   into   a   corner.   From   there,   she   remembered   begging   Pabbie   to   remove   her   magic   the   same   way   he’d   removed   and   altered   Anna’s   memories.   The   words   still   rang   clearly   in   her   memory   that   these   powers   were   a   part   of   her.   But,   it   was   a   part   of   her   that   she   rejected.   Elsa   never   wanted   to   be   born   heir   to   the   throne   of   Arendelle   with   these   icy   powers.   Just   as   she   never   wanted   to   hurt   anyone.   She   never   wanted   to   live   her   life   in   isolation   either.   The   memories   of   sitant,   happier   days   seemed   so   long   ago—–life   times   ago.   A   life   time   ago   where   she’d   been   beloved   by   all   of   Arendelle   as   it’s   crown   princess   and   heir   to   the   throne.   Happier   days   where   she’d   been   able   to   smile   and   laugh,   skipping   out   into   the   streets   of   the   village   and   greeting   the   people   as   she   went   by.   Those   memories   were   distant   and   almost   seemed   as   if   they   were   mere   dreams.

      Now   what   remained   was   a   queen   filled   with   fear.   Just   looking   out   her   window   at   the   people   below   filled   her   with   fear.   Knowing   she   would   need   to   take   the   throne….She   never   wanted   to   be   queen   and   she’d   expected   to   never   have   to   ascend   to   the   throne   until   later   in   life.   But,   her   parents   are   gone   and   they   left   behind   a   terrified   daughter   with   a   power   she   never   understood.   It   swelled   up   inside   of   her   always   threatening   to   burst   out.   It   ruined   her   coronation   day   and   caused   the   people   she   was   to   rule   to   fear   her.   There   was   no   way   a   princess   of   light   and   heart   was   inside   of   her.   She   was   far   from   light   and   instead   she   was   darkness.   That   had   to   be   her   true   calling.   After   all,   it   was   because   of   her   that   Arendelle   was   trapped   within   eternal   winter   and   she   had   no   way   of   reversing   it.   She   never   learned   to   reverse   her   icy   touch.   The   ice   always   melted   on   its   own.   Always.   She   never   learned   to   melt   it   intentionally.   Her   hands   fold   themselves   in   front   and   subconsciously,   she   begins   to   tug   at   her   fingers.      “I   don’t   know   how   to   control   it.   I   learned   to   suppress   it.   But   the   power   never   stops.   It   won’t   stop   bursting   forth.   I   can   only   learn   to   suppress   my   emotions.   That   seems   to   be   how   I   can   keep   it   at   bay.   But   I   never   truly   have   control.   I   can’t   live.   I   can’t   laugh.   I   can’t   cry.”

I can’t live.

He felt like that for such a long time. Like he was being suffocated by his emotions. He felt as if he were drowning in his own mind.

Even if he had, for the most part, learned to overcome this, he really didn’t want this woman to suffer.

Xehanort didn’t even have a clear goal for how he wanted this encounter with the young woman to end. He didn’t want to cause her harm, as she was a Princess of Heart. But, even with his darkened heart…he couldn’t bring himself to manipulate her, in the typical sense. 

He understood what Elsa was going through. He knew that tightness in his chest, the dreadful ongoing thoughts that everyone he cared for thought of him as a monster. However, he grew to find the majesty and worth of his abilities, and he wanted Elsa to do the same. For she was no monster. He was the only monster between them.

“You are not a monster, my lady. Even if it may be true that you cannot control your powers at this very moment, it does not mean that your future isn’t bright. This palace can be a place of refuge for you, indeed. But, you do have a kingdom to attend to. If your subjects are frightened of you despite your grace, elegance, and unwavering kindness, then they do not deserve you as their queen.”

         “It   is   not   their   fault.   They   had   no   knowledge   of   what   I   am.”      That   much   is   true   and   Elsa   would   not   allow   him   to   speak   ill   of   her   subjects.   She   ran   to   this   place,   built   this   castle   in   order   to   exist   in   a   place   where   others   would   not   be   hurt.   This   was   both   a   refuge   and   a   prison   for   her.   This   was   to   be   where   she   stood.   This   was   her   pillar.   No   place   was   safe   as   long   as   she   lived   out   there.   Inside   her   palace   of   ice,   this   was   her   home.   Inside   this   palace   of   ice   she   could   be   who   she   was   without   fear.   That   is   what   elsa   wanted——–to   be   who   she   is   without   fear.   If   that   meant   isolation   then   so   be   it.   She   would   sacrifice   everything   for   the   safety   of   others.   All   that   matter   was   that   the   world   below   was   safe   from   her   and   her   powers.   All   that   matter   was   the   safety   of   her   subjects.   Anna   could   easily   take   the   throne   as   queen.   This   is   what   is   best   for   everyone.   She   believed   that.

         Her   gaze   shifts,   lifts   to   look   at   him.      “I   don’t   think   you   understand.   You   seem   to   see   this   grand,   majestic   future   for   me.   It’s   not   so.   I   don’t   know   how   to   control   my   powers.   I   can’t.   I   never   learned   how.   In   fact,   I   am   beginning   to   think   there   is   no   way   to   control   the   storm   inside.   Can’t   you   see   that   I   am   the   storm?”

How she saw herself reminded him of his younger years, before he learned to embrace his abilities. He remembered some of his classmates from Scala ad Caelum perishing during a mission when he was with them. Even if Xehanort hadn’t been responsible for their deaths, he had wondered if his powers had made it worse, if he could have stopped it. 

But he swallowed down the survivor’s guilt eventually, and he, in desperation, learned to harness his powers. So that no one else would die when he was around.

It was a shame that hadn’t turned out the way he originally hoped.

“Storms are not inherently malicious, Your Majesty. They can replenish as well as destroy.” That wasn’t quite what Elsa needed to hear, but he was giving his honest thoughts.

Then he paused at her question.

“...After I witnessed a traumatic event when I was just a bit younger than you, I was wracked with survivor’s guilt. I...aimed to learn how to control my powers so that I could be strong enough to prevent anyone else that I genuinely cared for from dying.” He didn’t go into specifics, but he was once again honest.