Lucy

So far it's been working pretty well but it is only been two days. We still sit and go over data together, we eat lunch together, then when we get back to the hotel we get to cuddle up in bed together and do whatever we want. We always wake up next to each other and then I sneak back to my room to get ready so no one suspects anything. Today is race day though so things will be different, we each have our own races to prepare for and race day always comes with an unpredictable schedule. Like the last few days I woke up next to Pedro who was already awake and scrolling through his phone. Once he noticed I was awake he put his phone down and rolled over to give me a few kisses before I had to leave. 

We arrived separately to the track and then I had to head to a team meeting and get myself ready for the race. It was all quite chaotic so I was feeling really tense on the grid I tried all the techniques I learnt to supposedly relax me but none of it seemed to help. My shoulders were still tense and I just felt like I wasn't ready which isn't ideal when the race starts in less than 5 minutes. Then my knight in shining armour appeared, Pedro came out onto the grid, even just seeing him made me relax a bit. He made sure that I was feeling calmer then before he left he reminded me that I can do it and I believed him because I know he wouldn't lie to me. 

The race went way better than expected I got away well and took the lead from the first corner and never looked back. By the end of the race I had a 2 second lead on the rest of the group giving me my first win of the season. Like always Pedro was waiting in parc ferme with the rest of my team he gave me a quick hug but that was it. He had a cheeky smirk on his face which I know is because he's thinking about how great he did at making it seem like he's just my friend. Then it was my turn I gave Pedro a pep talk before his race and before I did my media, which is where I watched Pedro win and where I sprinted from to make it to see him before the podium. I did the exact same thing he did for me I gave him a quick hug and tried to replicate the smirk he gave me but I don't think it had quite the same effect as he just laughed at me. 

While the MotoGP race was on I was wandering the paddock in my own world thinking about the race and the year ahead. I was having a great time just walking around until I felt a hand on my arm and someone pulled me in between some of the trucks. Next thing I knew Pedro's face was just a few inches from mine as his arms slid around my waist to pull me in even closer if it's even possible. I took a quick look around before closing the gap between us and kissing him, he didn't think even for a second before kissing me back. One quick kiss turned into a short make out session before I realised anyone could looked around the corner and see us so I forced myself to pull away even though it's the last thing I want to do. He gave me one last quick kiss before we both went separate ways as not to be too suspicious. 

~~~~~~~~~~

After the first race in Portugal I was really feeling confident going into Argentina until race day came and the track was soaking wet. I've raced in the rain before but I've never been very good I never know when to push and when to be more cautious especially round tracks I'm not familiar with, and this is definitely one of those. I spent all morning watching the rain from the garage hoping for some sort of miracle that would stop the rain and dry the track before the race. Of course that didn't happen and I had to go out there in the wet. Just walking across the pit lane felt slippery let alone taking a bike around a track at far too many miles an hour. Usually I stay on the grid after the formation lap but I wanted to get out the rain this time so I ran back to the garage to find Pedro waiting for me. 

"I would love to offer you some advice but I'm not great in the rain either, the only thing I can tell you is to just be calm. You can do it if you just focus on your own race, some people will try and go quick off the start but they will crash and some will be too careful you just need to do what feels right" Pedro encouraged me 

"But what if I'm too slow" I said 

"You won't be just trust yourself you're good enough to not fall into the at trap you've got this" he said 

"Just promise me you won't be disappointed if I crash" I said 

"I will never be disappointed in you no matter what now go kill it out there" he smiled 

I got on the bike feeling a little scared but replaying Pedro's words in my head helped a little. The warm up lap was sketchy to say the least I was sliding in every corner but I realised that at a faster pace it would probably be ok. Off the start a few people did go off ahead but Pedro was right, one by one they all crashed as others struggled and kept dropping back while I found my pace and just stuck to it. It worked out well for me as I felt pretty comfortable while others were struggling and I ended up with my first ever win in the wet. 

Pedro had to race in rain too so I tried to tell him what it was like out there which turns were the worst and which turns were still somewhat ok. Of course things are different for the moto2 bike but I tried my very best to give him all the advice I could think of so that we can both hopefully win in the wet. There wasn't quite as many journalists that made the trip out to Argentina so I was done in time to watch most of the moto2 race but it wasn't going too well for Pedro he was really struggling down in 12th. The team said he didn't get a good start at all and dropped right back but had worked his way back up to 12th which is where he eventually finished the race. 

I know for a fact Pedro will be annoyed at himself for not doing better because we've both been practicing riding in the wet when possible. I also know that the fact that I won won't make him feel any better, he'll be happy for me because he always is when I achieve something, but the fact that he couldn't do the same will definitely be hurting him. For that reason I left him alone for a while just to think because that's what I would want if things were flipped. Eventually there came a time that I couldn't bare to sit and think about how Pedro may be feeling any longer I had to go and find him. 

I assumed that Pedro would be sat in his motorhome so I made my way there and snuck up to the door when no one was looking. Usually I would knock but I didn't want anyone to see me so just went straight in as the door was unlocked. The room was a mess Pedro's boots, gloves and leathers were all left on the floor which I imagine was done in frustration. Then there was Pedro sat on the bench with his head in his hands still with wet hair from the rain. The image was so sad to see; Pedro has been there for me since we have known each other making sure I know that I deserve to be here and that I'm good enough but now he's the one that's not believing that himself. 

He clearly didn't hear me come in as he didn't look up until I sat on the floor in front of him and took hold of his wrists to get his hands out his face. His eyes were red and puffy and he still had tears in his eyes which completely broke my heart. I never like to see anyone cry especially someone who means so much to me. 

"Talk to me tell me what's on your mind" I said 

"How did you do it?" He asked 

"Do what?" I asked back 

"Win in the wet I thought I'd made good progress with our training I thought I could do it but I just felt so uncomfortable in every corner" he said 

"I did it because you believed in me and made me believe in myself. I also practiced when I was back home too I was out there every day even just riding down the street to get used to having less grip. You will get there I promise" I said 

"But people expect more of me" he said

"You don't have to be perfect Pedro, everyone has a weakness but you just have to keep working to make sure that even your weak point is better that others strong points. It just takes time, we are both young still we have plenty of time to get better" I said 

"You really believe that?" He asked 

"Of course I do I'm not perfect either but I want to keep working to reach my full potential, plus one race doesn't define you next time there's a wet race you can go out there and show people that you've improved. Use this as motivation not a reason to best yourself up" I said 

"Thank you I needed to hear that" he said 

"Of course I'll be here any time you need someone to tell you how amazing you are because you really are the best rider and nicest person I know" I said 

He didn't respond he just pulled me up from the floor to sit in his lap and kissed me. His hands quickly traveled from my waist down to my ass while my hands went into his hair. I probably should've stopped him before it got to that point but I was enjoying myself too much plus it's a good way to release stress and we've both had a stressful day. We were enjoying ourselves so much that we almost didn't hear the knock on the door until it was too late. I've never moved as quickly as I did when I heard the door opening, somehow I managed to get to a reasonable distance away and adjust my top that had ridden up slightly just in time. 

Just as I said that my alarm to remind me to take my birth control went off. Pedri turned it off with a smirk on his face as he went to find the pills and throw them away. Next thing I knew he was carrying me upstairs to our bedroom to get a start on trying even though we both knew my birth control would still be in my system but it doesn't hurt to get some practice in. 

~~~~~~~~~~

No pressure. That's what we said when we started this whole journey but the more months that went by the more the pressure started to settle in. After three months of trying neither of us were too bothered about not seeing a positive test. After six months I started to worry that we were doing something wrong but Pedri reassured me that our time will come. After nine months even Pedri started to worry a little but he tried his best not to show it even though I could see right through it. A year passed by and still no positive test or even any real symptoms my period was like clock work every month. Then two years came and went and still nothing changed. 

Once we hit the year mark we took things more seriously. Every month I took ovulation tests and I tracked everything meticulously thinking it would help. We tried everything anyone had ever recommended from medications to acupuncture anything that could help fertility we tried it. Then as we hit two years we both went to the doctors to get tests done to see if there was anything medically wrong but according to the doctors there isn't any reason we can't conceive. All they recommended was to keep trying or to do ivf which is what we were both dreading hearing. 

I cried for hours after that appointment. In the two years we spent trying so many of ours friends had babies if not multiple which only ever drove the knife further into my chest. I wondered why we couldn't have the same what had we done to deserve the misery of the last two years. I know Pedri thought about it too but he did his best to be my rock throughout everything he knew that for every months that went by I thought less of myself and he did his best to stop that. Pedri cried too when we were told there was nothing wrong he tried hiding it but I could feel his tears in my hair as he held me tight for the rest of that awful day. 

This situation would test any relationship and I've read many stories about couples who broke up or divorced over it but Pedri and I have stayed strong throughout it all. There's definitely been hard days but we've always made sure to keep talking to each other and just being honest about how we feel. Pedri held me when I cried after seeing yet another negative test and I supported him whenever things got to him even when he tried not to show it. We've both dealt with it in different ways but we've been through it all together. 

I didn't want to think about ivf at the time because in my mind that meant failure so we agreed to try for another six months and then we'd revisit ivf. Well those six months went like all the others of course so today we have an appointment to start the process. I've had the time to mourn the fact that we just can't seem to conceive naturally and now I just want us to be able to start a family like everyone else we know. Part of me is excited that the pressure is off and it will be down to science now not us. 

Pedri picked me up after he finished training and we went straight to the doctor's office which was filled with pregnant women and their partners as well as people with newborn babies which stung a little. Once we filled out all the paperwork we were taken into a room where they drew my blood for some tests then we just had to wait. Pedri never let go of my hand the entire time we waited, he played with my rings the entire time too which is his way of calming his nerves. It felt like we were waiting in there forever but eventually a doctor came back in with  smile on her face which felt a little misplaced in this situation. 

"Sorry that took so long we had to run some tests a couple times to check the result but I'm happy to able to tell you that you're pregnant" the doctor said 

"Wait I'm pregnant I can't be I took a test a few days ago and it was negative" I said 

"You are definitely pregnant your hgc levels are through the roof so congratulations, on your way out you should set an appointment for your first ultrasound in a few weeks" the doctor said leaving us to process the news 

"It's finally happening" I said 

"We're going to be parents" Pedri stated 

"How typical that we find out I'm pregnant just as we finally give up trying" I laughed through the happy tears 

"This baby is already trouble and they're not even here yet" Pedri joked

"I can't wait to meet them" I smiled 

"Me too" Pedri said 

~~~~~~~~~~

The first few days I almost couldn't believe that I was actually pregnant it then it became hard not to notice. The nausea hit me like a truck along with the tiredness but I wouldn't change it for the world we've waited so long for this I'd take much worse if it meant we have a healthy baby. Don't get me wrong I've not been having a good time I've spent most of my time laying in bed or on the sofa but it's all becomes worth it when I look at my tiny little bump. According to the dates I worked out I should be about 10 weeks and I’ve already got a small bump which I wasn't expecting but it's definitely there. 

Today is our first ultrasound. It was supposed to be at around 8 weeks but Pedri had so many games that we couldn't find a time we could both go together until now. There's no training today so we had the whole day to think about the ultrasound. Pedri couldn't wait he wanted to see our baby for the first time but I worried that we'd get there and they'd tell us that something is wrong or that somehow I'd never been pregnant in the first place. It's stupid really there's no way I could be this sick if I wasn't pregnant and I've taken my own tests since the one they did at the doctors all of which have been positive it just doesn't quite feel real. 

Being back at the doctors felt different this time seeing the people with their babies didn't hurt like it did last time instead I was able to picture that being us in just a few months. The tiny baby in a car seat fast asleep, that will be us after all this time. Even the other heavily pregnant women had me picturing myself at 7 or 8 months pregnant probably incredibly uncomfortable eagerly awaiting our bundle of joy. 

It wasn't long before we were called in and they started the ultrasound. The doctor moved the wand over my stomach a couple of times before going back and forth and looking at the screen intently. Immediately my heart rate jumped to a million miles an hour I thought something was wrong, like really wrong. Pedri must've thought the same as he held my hand a little tighter but at the same time we both relaxed as we looked at the doctor who didn't seem concerned at all in fact she had a small smile on her face. 

"From your chart I read that you'd been struggling to conceive is that correct?" The doctor asked 

"Yeah we were just about to start ivf when we found out I was pregnant" I said 

"Well it seems like you've been rewarded for waiting so long you are expecting twins" the doctor said 

"Twins" Pedri questioned 

"Yes here's baby A and here's baby B which explains your high hcg levels in your blood test and I imagine that's why you've felt so tired growing a baby takes a lot out of you but two takes even more" the doctor explained 

"Wow I can't believe it" I said 

"With twins especially as your first pregnancy we like to keep a closer eye on things so you'll have a few more appointments than usual but it's all to keep you and baby happy and healthy" the doctor said 

"Thank you" Pedri said 

Disbelief doesn't even begin to explain how I think we both felt in that moment. All this time waiting for one baby and now we're going to have two. We'll have two car seats, two cribs and two sets of clothes. There's going to be so much we need to buy and sort out but I've been waiting for those days since we started trying so I can't wait although I think our bank account will enjoy it less. 

~~~~~~~~~~

I'm four months along now and time is flying. It feels like just yesterday that we found out about the twins and today we have our gender reveal. We had the appointment a few days ago but we asked for the gender to be put in an envelope which we gave to Pedri's brother leaving it up to him to choose a way to reveal the gender to everyone as well as us. Pedri is convinced that we're having one of each but I think they are identical but I can't decide if it's two boys or two girls. I had a dream the other day about us having two girls which felt really real but honestly I don't know. 

I've not been involved in planning anything Pedri took over everything along with Fer. All morning they've been setting stuff up in the garden while I just watch as they won't let me do anything. All I had to do was get ready and wait for Pedri to come and get me to see everything they've set up outside. Pedri did just that, first he helped me zip my dress as I couldn't do it by myself then he led me outside making sure I closed my eyes not to ruin the reveal. We walked slowly so I didn't trip over until we stopped and I was allowed to open my eyes. To start with I didn't know where to look they'd really gone all out with decorations and food for everyone. It was everything I imagined and more I can't lie it even brought a few tears to my eyes. 

People started to arrive not long after, all of them were dressed in either pink or blue and most of them had gifts for the babies even though we said we didn't want gifts. Everyone ate and took part in the games Pedri and Fer had set up before it was finally time for the reveal. Fer went with balloons filled with confetti for the reveal which were kept inside so they didn't fly away until needed. Once the ballon and the needle were in my hand the nerves started to kick in nothing really changes if we have two boys, two girls or one of each but it will help us to get to know our babies, we can decorate the nursery and decide on names, it's the start of them becoming people not just blobs which we've been calling them.

3...2...1

Pop

Pink confetti floated down on top of us. Two girls. I can't believe it my dream was right. In seconds Pedri had picked me up and started twirling me round. I thought he'd be at least a tiny bit disappointed that we aren't having a boy but he didn't seem bothered at all. His smile went ear to ear and the look in his eye told me that he was thinking about what our future looks like. We had our moment together before people started to congratulate us. Pedri's parents were the first to congratulate us Rosy was so excited to have two granddaughters after having two sons of her own. Fer was next, of course he knew but he still he wanted to congratulate us. Everyone else came over one by one some shared advice and others just wished us luck which I think we are really going to need. 

~~~~~~~~~~

After a lot of thinking and many questions to my doctor we decided to schedule a c-section. Having a natural birth with twins is possible but any number of things can go wrong and it can end in having an emergency c-section anyway so we decided it would be safer for all three of us to let the professionals take over from the start. My doctor also didn't want me to go over 38 weeks so today at 38 weeks exactly is the day we get to meet our girls. Pedri was allowed the day off training which meant we got a bit of lie-in although I haven't really slept much in weeks because I get uncomfortable in one position after not too long. Pedri slept in while I made sure I had everything we needed packed in the hospital bag then I did a few other chores to take my mind off things. 

The drive to the hospital and the wait to go into the operating room felt like weeks but really it was just a couple hours. Once I was given the spinal block things became really real the entire lower half of my body was completely numb which really started to freak me out but Pedri was quick to calm me down. Even as the surgery started his attention on me didn't waver he didn't look the other side of the curtain or at the doctors even once.

"I'm right here amor focus on me not what's going on" Pedri said trying to calm my nerves 

"When they arrive go with them I'll be ok I don't want them to be alone" I said 

"I'll be by your side until you are all stitched up then I'll go but I'm not leaving you open on an operating table" he said 

He stroked my hair and held my hand right up until our first little girl was born as they handed her to Pedri. She was so beautiful with her masses of dark hair and her tiny little hands and feet. She let out a few small cries as her sister was handed to me over with the same dark hair and tiny little features. Both of them were perfect so perfect it had tears in my eyes and Pedri's too. Our girls are finally here after years of waiting for this moment we have our babies healthy babies in our arms. 

The doctors finished my surgery before taking our girls to do all the necessary tests on them so I sent Pedri with them. I was taken to a recovery suite where I was going to wait for Pedri to come back with the girls which felt like it took forever but that was just because I was nervous that something might be wrong. In reality it was only around 10 minutes until Pedri walked back in with one baby in each arm. We've been together for many years at this point but I don't think I've ever found him more attractive than I did in that moment looking at him holding our little girls with the biggest smile on his face. 

"How are you doing amor?" Pedri asked 

"I'm fine in a bit of pain but that's to be expected" I answered 

"You look beautiful you'd never know you'd just given birth" he complimented 

"Thank you but I didn't do any of the work" I laughed 

"You still look gorgeous" he said 

"How are the girls?" I asked 

"Both perfect the doctors said they are both perfectly healthy you did a great job of growing them" he said 

"I'll have to add that to my skills" I joked 

We spent some time soaking in the moment before we told any one that the twins were even here but as soon as we did we had constant visitors. Pedri's family came first with food for both of us then my parents turned up with some things to hopefully make my recovery easier. They all took turns holding the girls as they are the first grandkids on both sides which makes this all a little more special. After they left a few of the guys turned up Ferran bought some really cute matching outfits with him, Gavi had my favourite chocolates with him and Lamine had a toy for the girls that they won't be able to use for months but it was a sweet gesture nonetheless. Pedri was stressed watching them hold the girls but all was fine. 

I started dating my first boyfriend at 17. Things started really well he was always super sweet before we started officially dating but once we put a label on things he changed. He was incredibly intense he was always texting me wanting to know where I was and what I was doing and whenever we were together he would not leave me alone. His hands were always on me and he was always kissing me even when I asked him to tone it down. He told me he loved me in just a few days which at the time I thought was weird but I assumed that some people just like to move quicker. Now I know that it was textbook love bombing but at the time I had no idea I just thought he wasn't the person I first thought he was. Looking back I was extremely lucky the relationship only lasted two months and that things didn't go any further but that was only because I got fed up with his constant texts and calls and stopped responding at all until he broke up with me. 

My second relationship wasn't much better. I was 18 and had just started university when I met this guy that I fell for quickly. To me he was perfect he was cute, sweet but not controlling like my last boyfriend and he seemed to fall for me just as quickly a I fell for him. I was careful this time though I spent longer getting to know him and going on dates before I agreed to be his girlfriend. By that point I thought I knew him pretty well and I trusted him. He was a good boyfriend or so I thought but in reality he'd been cheating on me our entire relationship. I was crushed when I found out because I really liked him and I thought he was different but of course that wasn't the case. 

It took me a while to get over that relationship and learn to trust someone again but two years later I met a guy at work who over time I learnt to trust. I told him all about my last relationships and he promised me time and time again that he would never do any of that. He wasn't lying he didn't love bomb me and he didn't cheat on me but he certainly wasn't a good guy. In the 6  months we were together I ended up in the hospital 7 times with cuts and bruises from him hitting me with anything within his reach at the time. I remember the first time it happened like it was yesterday, I got caught up at work and was late getting to his place for our date night and before I could even say sorry let alone explain anything he had slapped me and hit me with a glass that was on the kitchen counter. I should have left him then and there but I was scared of what he'd do it me if I broke up with him. In the end a few good friends helped me get out of the relationship and I haven't heard from the guy since but I always worry about bumping into him somewhere. 

A few days after getting out of that relationship the first time I went out after staying with friends for a few days I happened to meet a couple Barcelona players while at work. They came in not long before my shift ended so I served them while chatting with them as they were more than happy to have a conversation. Then I went to do all the things I'm supposed to do for the new person to take over. Just as I was leaving I was stopped by Gavi who asked for my number. I was hesitant at first because I'd just got out of an abusive relationship but he flashed me his puppy dog eyes and I just couldn't say no. Later he text me to continue the conversation we were having earlier like we'd known each other for years not hours.

He text me everyday for a couple weeks and we saw each other a couple times when our schedules aligned. He was always incredibly flirty, to start with I thought that was just how he was but I quickly realised that he was into me. I told him I had been in a few bad relationships and that I couldn't think about a relationship at least not at the time but he persisted. He never pushed me further than I could handle but he kept flirting no matter how much I turned him down, until one day I flirted back. Of course I always thought he was cute but one day a switch kind of flipped in my head and I decided that I could trust him enough to show him that I was into him too. 

The look on his face when I actually joined in his little flirting game was priceless it was like he'd finally won a battle on the pitch. Things continued like that for a few more weeks until one day he asked me on a date which I agreed to but I made him promise that we wouldn't go anywhere fancy I wanted a night with him to see where things go. The date was months ago now but I still can't help but smile when I think about it. 

~~~~~~~~~~

All day I've been thinking about my date with Pablo I've run through just about every possible scenario most of which are probably ridiculous but with the way my love life has been so far nothing seems too ridiculous. I want to trust him so badly but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly nervous. Pablo is intense with how he shows his emotions but that's just him he's like it with friends too but still I worry that things will turn out like my first boyfriend and I don't want to fall into that trap again. There is also the little voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me of the reputation footballers have for not being particularly loyal. I would like to think Pablo isn't like that and deep down I know he's not but I can't get rid of the voice telling me to be cautious. I know most of these fears stem from my past relationships but I can't help it I've been too trusting too many times and only got hurt and I can't do that again. 

After stressing all day I somehow completely lost track of time and only had half an hour to get ready. Luckily I used to like to sleep in during my teen years so I've learnt to get ready quickly but I would've liked to spend more time on my hair and makeup especially for a date. I managed to time it perfectly just as I put my lip balm down Pablo text me to say he was waiting outside. He was waiting for me leaning on his car with his usual bright smile on his face which is so infectious I couldn't help but smile too. Seeing him pushed all my fears to the back of my mind as I remembered how much I enjoy being around him. He opened the passenger door and reached in to grab a huge bouquet of pink and purple flowers. 

"Wow these are so pretty thank you" I said 

"You're prettier" he was quick to say making me blush like crazy

"I love how pink your cheeks get when I compliment you it's cute" he said 

"Do you have a vase at your place? I don't want to go back up with these" I asked trying to change the subject so I wouldn't get any redder 

"I'm sure I can find something if it means spending more time with you" he said 

He finally let me in the car which gave me a chance to recover my composure. We agreed to spend the evening at his place so that we could be alone and there's no chance anyone will take pictures of us which I really don't want. Pablo planned everything so I have no idea what he's set up but based purely on the flowers I'm going to guess it's going to be a lot. Just the thought makes me nervous I know it comes from a good place but all it does it remind me of my first boyfriend. 

To my surprise things started off quite chill we just sat and talked. We could talk for hours and still find more things to say. I've never had that with anyone else Pablo brings out another side of me, a happier side that I haven't unlocked with anyone I've dated and even some good friends. He made me feel totally comfortable, we've not known each other that long but everything is just easy with him it's like he just gets me. 

Mid conversation about this tv show we both love the doorbell rang so Pablo went to answer it. He came back with boxes which he took to the dining table before pulling out a seat for me and going to get some plates. The food looked and smelled delicious and I could tell it was definitely from some fancy restaurant by the way it was put together. One of the boxes had a logo from the most exclusive restaurant in Barcelona it's near impossible to go there I don't know anyone who's ever been it's mostly celebrities and other high profile people. I'm also pretty sure they don't deliver either so Pablo must've called in favour or something to get them to do this. As much as I appreciate him doing all this for me it feels a little much, I mean I'm not anyone special we only met a couple months ago but he's already treating me like I deserve the world. 

So many girls would love to be treated like this from the very first date and I should too it's nice to be appreciated but I can't help but feel uncomfortable. To me it's too much too soon I've been here before and I've been burned before and that's not something I want to do again. I know I have serious trust issues at this point but that's not something that's going to change overnight. Pablo deserves someone who can love him the same way he loves them and I'm not sure I can do that right now as much as that saddens me. Thinking about all of that took away my appetite. I ate a few small mouthfuls of food before just pushing stuff around my plate which of course didn't go unnoticed by Pablo. 

"Are you ok? Is there something wrong with the food I can call them if you want me to" he asked 

"No, no everything is ok the food is lovely" I lied 

"There's something going on I can tell remember you can talk to me I want to know what's on your mind" he said 

"This is going to sound stupid and it's nothing to do with you but I just don't feel worthy of all this I mean we barely know each other and you already managed to get food from the most exclusive place in town for us" I said 

"Of course you are worthy I did this because I really like you and I wanted to respect your boundary of keeping things private while also making things special" he said 

"There's more to it than that though isn't there I get if you aren't ready to tell me but when you are I'm here to listen" he added 

"My first boyfriend completely love bombed me he was obsessive always had to know where I was and who I was with, but he also gave me everything if I so much as looked at something while we were out shopping he'd buy it for me, it was too much and I know this isn't what you're doing it just brings back bad memories whenever anyone is too nice to me. Then my second boyfriend he was really nice to me treated me really well from the beginning but he never actually liked me he cheated on me from the day we started dating" I explained 

"I'm sorry that's awful, you deserve better and I know my word doesn't mean too much right now but I promise you that I'm nothing like either of those guys we can move as slow as you want I won't go too over the top and I can promise you that I will never cheat on you" he said 

"Thank you it means a lot that you'd do that for me" I said 

"Of course I want you to feel comfortable with me no matter how long it takes" he said

~~~~~~~~~~

That night was almost 8 months ago now since then we've been on plenty more dates each of which just as great as the last. True to his word Pablo gave me time to trust him and never gave me a reason not to he did everything he could to show me that he's not like my exes. 3 months ago he asked me to be his girlfriend and they've been the best 3 months of my life. He lets me live my life without having to know where I am all the time and he does nice things for me but he never goes over the top. As far as I'm aware he's not been cheating on me but honestly I never really think about it Pablo is loyal to a fault I don't think he could cheat. He truly is the best boyfriend and by this point I think I'm a pretty good judge I've experienced everything bad in relationships but this has been nothing but sunshine and rainbows. 

Throughout the last 8 months I've told Pablo more and more about my past relationships so that he could better understand me. The only thing I haven't told him about is my most recent ex because that one has deeper scars I still worry about bumping into him on the street, I get nightmares about him hurting me and I still jump when people touch me accidentally even if it's completely unintentional. I should tell Pablo I know but I know it's going to hurt to talk about it more than it hurts to live with the memories and the fear. 

Last night I spent the night at Pablo's for the first time. He had to leave early for training but he made me promise to stay, seeing as I have the day off, so we can spend the day together. Before he left he made breakfast for us both which I cleaned up and since I've been watching tv waiting for him to come back. I knew the team trained for a long time but the more time that passed the more bored and hungry I got. I somehow found myself looking through the kitchen cupboards at what I could make us both for lunch. I never really get to cook for Pablo as we either order food or make something together so I decided to make us some pasta using the recipe my grandma taught me. 

I got so focused on cooking that I didn't hear Pablo arrive home I didn't hear his car, the front door or hear him call my name. In fact I only noticed when I felt a hand on my waist and one tuck my hair behind my ear. In that moment I nearly jumped out of my skin the spoon I was holding fell to the floor with a crash as I tried to get away. My ex always used to put his hands on my waist to control me before he hit me so it was just instinct to try and get out of the situation. Pablo of course let go instantly and took a step back when he saw the sheer panic on my face. Seeing him made me calm down a little but still my heart was racing and my breathing uneven.

"It's ok it's just me can I come closer?" He asked 

All I could do was nod. He quickly pulled me into his arms which is when tears I've been holding in for months all came out at once. I never cried when I felt my ex and I never cried when he hit me but now I can't stop. Pablo held me tight, he just let me cry rubbing my back and occasionally wiping my tears until there was no more tears left for me to cry. Once I calmed down Pablo led me to the sofa with a glass of water so that we could talk.

"Talk to me love who hurt you?" He asked 

"My last boyfriend he used to hit me I've still got the scars from the glass bottles and I'm always scared of seeing him in public somewhere I'm scared he could still hurt me" I admitted 

"As long as I'm around no one will hurt you there's things we can do I'm sure a lawyer could help you get a restraining order and we could go to the police but if you just want to move on I will be here with you every step of the way" Pablo said 

"I think I just want to move on I've tried but clearly I've not got very far I'm sorry for freaking out on you" I apologised 

"You don't need to be sorry in fact never be sorry for how you deal with your trauma now I know I'll be more careful and we'll work through it together you don't have to deal with your pain on your own" he said 

"Thank you" I said

This weekend I've been doing a bit better but not as well as I know I can do but I have to start somewhere; at the very least I've been able to put my personal problems aside when I'm on the bike which is a huge help. On the grid to keep myself focused I simply closed my eyes and tried to visualise the lap and think about all the passing opportunities to help me out later. Then before I knew it we were starting the warm up lap. Off the actual start I did well making up a few places to get into 6th where I sat quite comfortably for a while. After settling into the race I tried to make some progress and got up to 4th before Fernandez came out of nowhere and tried to get up the inside of me when there was no room at all and I went tumbling into the gravel. Luckily I wasn't hurt but I'm sure I'll have a few bruises in the morning I was more annoyed than anything because nothing is going my way at the moment. 

It's safe to say that I wasn't in a good mood after the race so as soon as I was allowed I went to sulk on my own in the small room where my leathers are kept for me to change into. Everyone left me alone to work through my feelings until someone knocked on the door. I knew it would be Pedro and I knew he'd come in no matter what I said so I just said nothing. Like I predicted he came in and sat on the floor next to me and put an arm around my shoulder which made me tense up slightly. Still he persisted until I relaxed a little bit even then we sat in silence for a while. 

Pedro was patient with me as I just sat quietly and played with the hairband on my wrist thinking about everything from racing to what my dad said at Silverstone. It's all too much and I can't even talk through all of it with the one person who might understand because it involves him. The worst part about it all is that it remind me way too much of the one other time I asked out another rider I thought about it for weeks before I was finally brave enough and it blew up in my face. I suppose in a way I got the last laugh because I'm the one in moto3 and he's definitely not but that doesn't make me feel any better. 

"Talk to me what's on your mind?" Pedro finally asked 

"Just the race" I lied 

"You know that wasn't your fault right you did nothing wrong at all and you were doing a lot better this weekend" he said 

"I know but I didn't change anything on the bike so its not the bike that's been the problem it's me" I said 

"Then what's distracting you?" He asked 

"I don't want to talk about it" I said 

"Why not you know you can tell me anything" he said 

"But I can't" I said 

"I can tell there's been something bothering you since Silverstone even at dinner with your dad you were different, more quiet than usual and you've been that way ever since I promise you whatever you say I won't judge you I want to help you" he said 

"I like you Pedro" I admitted 

"I know that" he replied 

"Not like that I mean that I really like you as more than a friend and if you don't feel the same then just promise me you won't mock me in front of anyone else I can't do that again" I said 

He didn't respond and for a few seconds he just sat staring at me. Until he leaned in putting a hand on my face to pull me in and kissed me. His lips moved against mine like we'd kissed a hundred times before. The feeling was like no other I was almost in heaven as I felt Pedro's lips on mine and the feeling of electricity spreading down my spine as his hand moved to the back of my neck to pull me in closer made the whole thing even better. Eventually we both pulled away but Pedro left his hand under my jaw so that I had to look him in the eye. 

"I like you too a lot I'm glad you feel the same way" he said 

"Oh thank god I was so worried I was going to ruin it all" I said 

"You don't have to worry about that now" he said 

"In fact I think it's time I ask will you be my girlfriend?" He asked 

"I can't think if anything I want more" I replied 

He kissed me again then we talked about going on our first official date next week. Most people would go on a few dates before they become official but I think every time we've hung out together since Silverstone has been some sort of unspoken date. Dating in the normal sense also feels kind of pointless we know nearly everything there is to know about each other already so there's no need to get to know each other it's just about exploring this new side of our connection. I've never been in a real relationship so this is all new to me but I'm excited to explore where it might go. 

~~~~~~~~~~

After the race in Thailand we had a week off before Australia so I decided I wanted to go back to Spain and train at home before the next race. Pedro also went home but we haven't seen each other in the few days we've been back as we've both had different things to do and our schedules haven't aligned. Tonight though we are going on our first official date which Pedro planned so all I know is when he's coming to pick me up. He said he would pick me up at 7 so I had basically all day to do whatever, so I went for a run this morning and then did some weights at the gym then I spent some time reviewing some races at Phillip island until I needed to start getting ready. 

I've never been on a real date before so I had no idea what to wear nor do I have any friends I can call to help me pick an outfit so I called my dad. He's just as clueless as I am on what you wear on a date but I showed him a few options which we both debated before he picked one so that's what I went it was simple but cute. I did a bit of makeup and curled my hair to go with my outfit which is not something I would usually do but this is a special occasion. Then all I had to do was wait but I didn't have to wait long as 10 minutes later there was a knock on my door. 

"You look beautiful" Pedro exclaimed 

"Thank you you look great too" I said 

"You really do look beautiful I'm so lucky I get to call you my girlfriend" Pedro complimented 

"Aren't you being sweet I lucked out just as much to have such a sweet boyfriend" I teased 

He gave me a quick kiss before taking my hand and leading me to his car where he opened the door for me like a proper gentleman. He drove us out of the city more towards the beach where we stopped in a lovely little beach town which I've heard of but never visited. We went down all these tiny little back streets to get to this Italian restaurant which had such a homely feel about it. You could tell it was family run and that so much pride went into not just the food but also making the place look authentic it really was like stepping into a local restaurant in Italy. The whole place smelt amazing it was some kind of combo of garlic, tomato and cheese and every dish other people had on their tables all of which looked delicious. 

We were seated at a table by the window which had a view down the street and it the beach at the very end. The menu was all in Italian but luckily Pedro knows a bit so he helped me decipher it and then he ordered for me so I wouldn't have to embarrass myself with my very basic Italian skills. Our food came out and it was amazing just as good as the food I've had in Italy. As we ate we talked about what we've been doing since we got back from Thailand as we've texted but not had chance to actually talk. He's been busy doing events with his sponsors while I've been training hard to get myself ready for Australia. 

After dinner, which Pedro paid for, he insisted we go for a walk on the beach so that's where we went but as soon as my feet touched the sand my heels sunk right in and I felt like I was walking through treacle so they had to come off. I took them off and held them in my right hand so I could still hold Pedro's with my left but he quickly took them out of my hand to carry them himself and pulled me in by my waist. We walked slowly across the sand looking at the stars in the surprisingly clear sky. My dad told me that my mum was always loved the stars so when I was younger I went through a phase of learning everything I could about the different constellations. There was a few in the sky tonight so I told Pedro all about them and what they meant. 

"You know a lot about stars" Pedro said 

"Yeah I went through a phase when I was younger wanted to know everything about them now it's in there forever" I said 

"It's cool I never knew there was so much to the stars" he said 

I should've told Pedro the real reason I know so much about the stars but I've never told him about my mum before and now didn't feel like the right time. It seems silly to keep something so big from my boyfriend but I've always struggled to talk about my mum because honestly I don't know much about her other than what my dad has told me. It's a side of myself I always keeps under wraps and for now I feel like I need to keep it that way. 

"You know we never really talked about what happens now that we're together like do you want to tell people or keep it secret?" Pedro asked snapping me out of my thoughts 

"I think its best if we keep things to ourselves for now I don't need the extra eyes on me right now" I said 

"I'm glad you said that because I was thinking the exact same thing for now this can be our little secret I don't want anyone else to treat you differently so I won't even tell anyone in the team" he said 

"Agreed" I said 

Friday practice was tricky but I got better with each lap which was enough to get me into q2. Saturday everything was a bit easier the lap time came more naturally and I qualified 5th which is where the team wanted me to be. Then all focus should've been on the race but after qualifying I called my dad to see if he could make it for the race but he told me his boss needed him to do an extra shift and he wouldn't make it down in time. I really wanted him to be here to see my first race at home but like a lot of other times in my life I don't always get what I want. For some reason this time it really affected me and I couldn't stop a few tears from falling. 

"Hey that was a great lap you should be proud of that" I heard a familiar voice say from behind me 

"Woah whats wrong did someone say something to hurt you?" Pedro asked 

"No it's just my dad can't make it for the race and I really wanted him to be here I don't know why I'm crying though I should be used to him not being here" I said 

"It's ok to be sad and disappointed I would be to if my family couldn't make it to a race but we both know that your dad is really proud of you and I bet he's just as disappointed that he can't be here too" he said 

"I know I just wish neither of us had to feel that disappointment after this I won't get to see him until the season is over that's why I wanted him here so badly" I explained 

"I know but remember we are your family too the team, the other guys and me all of us will always be here for you" he said 

"And I'm lucky to have all of you" I said 

"Come on let's get something to eat" Pedro suggested 

~~~~~~~~~~

It was a long night I didn't sleep well between thinking about the race and my dad there wasn't much time for sleep. By the time I was heading into the garage to talk with the team before I get my leathers on I already had two cups of coffee but I was still tired. The team were unusually quiet when I walked in and they were all staring at me which was weird. Then I noticed someone sat in my chair which is odd but not a reason for everyone to stare at me then it all made sense. The person in my chair was my dad he was right here actually here to see me race. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked 

"You really thought I'd miss my little girl's first race at home in years and I thought I'd make it a bit more fun by telling you I couldn't make it" he explained 

"I'm so glad you're here there's so many people I want you to meet"I said excitedly 

"We will get to that but first I want to see you go out there and show them what you're made of" he said 

Suddenly I didn't feel tired at all I've never been more ready for a race I really want to go out there and make my dad proud especially after he made such an effort to be here to see me. After getting myself ready to take the bike out I had a few minutes to show my dad the bike because I know he loves the technical side of things. He was fascinated by all the little things on the bike that help me to be as quick as possible. I gave him a quick lesson with all I've learnt about the bike so far before it was time to go to the grid. I told my dad he could join me on the grid but he wanted to watch from the garage so I left him there with the team. 

The race was chaotic people crashing left and right but I kept focused and made sure I was clinical with hitting my markers and not pushing beyond the limit. I was careful but not too cautious I didn't give up easily on any position, I wanted a podium and I was going to get it no matter what. I pushed and pushed until it was the last lap and I knew it was my last opportunity to get into third so that's what I did. Then by some miracle the front two riders who were well out of my reach crashed into each other putting me in first with only a few corners to go. In that moment it was hard to keep my calm but I did it and crossed the line in first. 

In parc ferme my dad was waiting for me along with Pedro who I didn't have time to introduce him to yet. I could hear the crowd going insane because they got a home rider winning for the first time in a long time but I didn't care about them all I cared about was my entire team in front of me.

"That was amazing darling I knew you were good but my god that was incredible" my dad said 

"Yeah that was incredible lils the crowd definitely seems to agree" Pedro added 

"Thank you both of you sorry I didn't have time to do this earlier but dad this is Pedro and Pedro this is my dad" I introduced 

"We've been talking all race Pedro came to watch in the garage and introduced himself I'm glad you've found such a good friend to be there for you when I can't" my dad said 

~~~~~~~~~~

Pedro's POV

I missed the start but I managed to make it into Lily’s garage before the end of the second lap. I saw someone in there I didn't recognised but when I saw his face I knew it must be her dad they look quite alike the only feature of his she doesn't have is his eye colour. From what she said yesterday I assume he surprised her this morning I can only imagine the beautiful smile she had on her face when she found out she would've been so happy. 

"Hi you must be Lily's dad I'm Pedro I'm in the KTM moto2 team I'm friends with Lily" I said introducing myself 

"I know who you are kid Lily talks about you a lot when she calls and I've seen you race you are incredible" he said 

"Thank you sir" I said 

"Please call me Frank" Frank said 

"Lily is an amazing rider too you did a great job teaching her" I said 

"I would love to take the credit but past teaching her how to use the bike the rest she learnt on her own that's why I knew she'd make it I knew from the start that she'd end up here one day I'm just glad I get to see it happen" he said 

"I'm glad we became so close she's made me a better rider too she pushes hard even in training I've never worked so hard in my life she's got a great drive she's taught me that too and I try to give her more confidence in her abilities" I said 

"You sound like a great friend but you like her more than that don't you" he said catching me off guard 

"Oh uh I erm" I stuttered 

"It's ok you can tell me I won't tell her" he said 

"How did you know?" I asked 

"The way you talk about her and the smile on your face I used to be like that when I met lily's mother plus she told me all about what you did for her birthday and I thought that someone would only do that if they really liked someone even as a friend but the thoughtfulness of the gifts are what gave it away" he explained 

"She's special but she has a lot on her plate already she doesn't need me confusing things by telling her how I feel" I admitted 

"You don't have to tell her anything until you are ready my lips are sealed" he smiled 

~~~~~~~~~~

Your POV

If I thought I had a lot of media to do on Friday I somehow had even more to do after my win. They all asked the same question about how it feels to win at home and they all got the same answer. A few asked who I had here to celebrate with they got a slightly more interesting answer as I finally got to talk about my dad because no one has ever asked me about my family. It all took me so long that I missed the entire moto2 race but Pedro did well and would be busy doing his own media so I had some free time to talk to my dad. 

I found him walking round the paddock just taking it all in so I took him on a tour of the paddock and the hospitality which he was amazed by as it had so much stuff in it there was screen that shows the lap times and then there's a screen to watch the track action. There's coffee machines and fresh food which even I was amazed by when I first came in here. We got some food and sat eating together while a multitude of people came over and congratulated me on my win. Every time someone said congratulations my dad had a beaming smile it was like he was reliving the podium celebrations over and over again. 

"You're like a celebrity here" he commented 

"If you think I'm a celebrity you should meet Marc half the paddock practically follows him round like a shadow even Pedro has people following him around" I laughed 

"Well you're my little celebrity" he joked 

"You know Pedro seems like a great friend" my dad said 

"He really is he keeps me company and he makes sure that I don't let what people say get to me" I said truthfully 

"And you let him call you lils" he stated 

"Yeah its a pretty common nickname for Lily" I said

"I know that but you hate it you've only ever let me call you it" he said 

"Well Pedro's different I guess" I said 

"I know you like him you can't hide that from me I can read you like a book the way you talk about him and the way you light up when he's in the room you really like him and it's ok to feel that way" he said

"I know but I don't want to ruin our friendship I don't know what I'd do without Pedro and the last time I liked a guy it led to an entire championship of boys ignoring me for a year" I said 

"Believe me I remember that but I don't think Pedro would do that actually I know he wouldn't do that but I'll leave you to figure it out" he said

"Thanks for the advice dad" I said 

Pedro

Hey if you're training today want to join me I'm going to my usual place in Valencia I can send you the address 

Lily

I would love to I'm just getting my stuff together I'll see you there 

Pedro 

Make sure you bring your best I don't play even in training 

Lily

Oh bring it on 

It was about an hours drive to the address Pedro sent me but I was in a great mood the entire way because I've missed Pedro. We texted a few times while I was at home but mostly he left me alone to enjoy my limited time with my dad. When I arrived Pedro was waiting for me by his van which was the only thing in the car park. He greeted me with a hug then helped me get my bike out my van and check it over to make sure it was ready to go. 

Once our helmets went on we were no longer friends we were rivals. I've never raced against Pedro so I don't know how he'll race or how harsh he'll be on me but I do know no matter what I won't give in. We started slow warming up as neither of us have trained in the last week but then it was time for us to race each other. I got a better start off the line because I'm lighter but Pedro braked later so he was in front at the first corner. For the next 5 laps we overtook each other at every corner until I decided I was just going to go for it so at the next corner I got back in front and just never looked back. Over the next 5 laps the gap steadily grew until I crossed the line half a second in front of Pedro. 

"That was so fun" I said once we made it back to the pit lane

"I'm glad you had fun clearly I need to up my game next time we race you were on a completely different level at the end there" Pedro said 

"Are you sure you want to be beaten again" I laughed 

"Who says I'm going to" he quipped 

"Thats a bold statement from someone who just go beaten by half a second" I said 

"Bring this fighting talk to the next race and you'll smoke them all" he said 

"If we keep training together I just might I've never pushed myself that hard before" I said

"Me either" he said 

We agreed to train together more often but first Pedro suggested we go and get lunch together and I agreed. He suggested a place nearby and said he'd drive so I could leave my van at the track and he'd drive us back after. First I got changed in the back of the van then I was ready to go. Pedro got us there in what I can only assume is record time because I swear we were going way over the speed limit the whole time but we made it in one piece, although it did remind me why I get so stressed driving in Spain. 

Pedro led me to this lovely looking cafe where all you could smell even walking down the street was the pastries from this place. Seeing as I've never been there before I told Pedro to order for me as he knows what's good and he knows what I'd like. I tried to give him cash to pay for my food but he wouldn't take it he just told me to find a table for us instead. A few minutes later he joined me at the table with the most delicious looking sandwich and a fresh juice for me. We ate and talked about setting up a training schedule so that we can train together a few times a week to make training less lonely. Then we got to talking about our childhoods which were actually quite similar both our dads sacrificed a lot to make sure we could keep racing each year. 

"How did you get into racing?" Pedro asked 

"My dad always rode a bike to work and I was fascinated by it so he got me a bike as soon as I was old enough to ride one and I fell in love with it straight away, from there my dad took me tracks to learn to ride properly then once he realised I was pretty good I started racing" I said 

"Sounds like you were a child prodigy" he laughed 

"I think some of it was luck, I've always been a quick learner so that helped, but always being the only girl meant that I usually got accepted to ride in any championship I wanted because they liked the idea of the diversity" I said 

"It's a good thing they did or we wouldn't be here now" he said 

"I often think about that do you ever wonder where you'd be if say you never got into rookies or if you had to stop racing because your family couldn't afford it?" I asked 

"I used to but I try not to anymore I found it made me more nervous on track like I really needed to keep proving myself which isn't true anymore and I know it's hard but you should try and put those thoughts behind you too" he said 

"I know I need to forget about it all but part of me still feels like I'm not worthy of my spot" I confessed 

"You are worthy I promise you Aki chose you for that seat and he doesn't have anyone in his team he doesn't see the potential in so even if you don't see it he sure does I can promise you that" he said 

"Thank you I needed to hear that" I said 

"You're confidence will grow with time trust me" Pedro reassured me 

We got back to lighter conversation topics as we finished off our food and headed back to Pedro's van. He drove us back to the circuit where my van was still waiting for me. We said our goodbyes but as I went to walk away Pedro stopped me and pulled me into a hug. We've hugged before but this time was different it wasn't just a greeting or a celebration of a win or podium he hugged me because he wanted to be close before we parted ways. The feeling of his hands on my back gave me butterflies like I've never felt before but it must just be because I didn't expect it. I never get butterflies not even when I'm nervous I've only ever had them one other time. He eventually let go of me and told me to be prepared to lose next time we race.

~~~~~~~~~~

Pedro 

Happy birthday lils 🎂 🎈 🥳 

Lily

Thank you 

Pedro

Have you got any plans I know you said your dad couldn't make it 

Lily

No plans might attempt to make myself a birthday cake later to entertain myself though 

Pedro

I'm coming over then and we're going to the beach so be ready 

Lily

Yes boss 🫡

This morning I woke up honestly a little sad because for the second year in a row I was going to be spending my birthday alone which can't be helped my dad had work and there's a race this weekend so I couldn't go home but still it hurt. I had a few texts from family to look at when I got up then it was business as usual until Pedro text. He immediately brought a smile to my face which he's been really good at doing recently. My day is always made better as soon as he texts me or when we hang out. We've been training together three days a week and when we aren't Pedro usually texts me at least once a day to check on me. 

Instead of rotting on the sofa like I had planned to do for most of the day I got myself up and ready to go to the beach once Pedro arrived. He arrived not long after with a beach towel and two other bags in his hand. He put the beach towel down and then handed me one of the bags with a big smile on his face.

"What is this?" I asked 

"Birthday presents" Pedro said like it was obvious 

"Thank you but didn't need to get me anything" I said 

"Well I wanted to I didn't think you'd get anything from anyone else and I wanted you to have presents to open" 

"Well thank you" I said 

The first present he got me contained two little charms one was a gold medal and the other was a motorbike. 

"You always have that bracelet on so I thought you need some charms to celebrate all your victories and your career" Pedro said looking at the charm bracelet on my wrist which was originally my mum's that I've slowly been adding charms to.

The second present was a massage gun like the one Pedro owns that he let me use when my arm was giving me trouble after a training session last week. The last present was a pair of trainers I mentioned wanting as mine were starting to get old. 

"Thank you so much you really didn't have to do this you know I'd have been happy just to have someone to spend the day with" I said 

"I know but who doesn't like being appreciated on their birthday plus you deserve it you work harder than anyone I know you deserve to be appreciated for at least one day" he said 

"Look at you being all sweet" I joked 

"Only this once" he laughed 

"Ok now I have to know what is in the other bag" I said 

"Its ingredients to make a cake you said you wanted to so I thought we could do it together" he said 

"I look forward to that chaos later" I laughed 

We walked to the beach grabbing some snacks from a store along the way. The beach was busy as its summer but we managed to find a quiet spot not too near anyone else. We set out our stuff I sat down and looked over to Pedro who was taking his shirt off. I caught myself staring at him for a few seconds as my cheeks flushed a whole new shade of pink. Luckily I think my sunglasses covered it up pretty well but if they didn't I just have to hope that Pedro isn't observant enough to notice. 

He didn't seem to notice instead he reached his hand out to pull me up and dragged me towards the sea. The water was so cold despite it being so hot out so I stopped in my tracks so I could get used to the cold but Pedro had other ideas he picked me up over his shoulder and threw me into the slightly deeper waters. By the time I surfaced and got the water out my eyes he was doubled over laughing so I took the chance to get my revenge and pushed him in. That started a war between us, we kept splashing each other and pushing each other into the water. Eventually we called a truce and headed back to our stuff on the beach to dry off. I took the opportunity to relax for a bit thinking Pedro was sitting next to me but then I looked over to show him a funny tiktok but he was gone. A few minutes later he came back with ice cream for us both which we enjoyed before packing up and heading back to my place. 

We each showered to get the salt water off our skin and out of our hair then it was time to bake. My grandma taught me how to bake when I was little so I'm not a complete novice but I've never made a cake before. We looked up a recipe and Pedro started measuring ingredients while I found my mixer and some tins for the batter. We worked together measuring everything accurately and then taking it in turn mixing everything together until we had something that resembled cake batter which went in the oven. While we waited we watched replays of Silverstone last year as that's our next race and we both want to be ready. Pedro taught me all he could remember from his race last year and then we worked together to analyse the moto2 race so we are as prepared as possible. 

Next thing I knew the timer was blaring and it was time to get the cake out the oven and for two people who don't bake it actually looked pretty good. Together we made some icing to decorate with but Pedro told me I wasn't allowed to decorate the cake with him instead I had to sit in the living room and talk to him from there. He soon came out the kitchen holding the cake with candles in and the icing on the top said 'happy birthdays lils' in wonky writing but that didn't matter it was special because Pedro made it for me. He sang me happy birthday in English and in Spanish then he cut us both a slice of cake. 

"Thank you for today this is the best birthday I've had in a while" I said 

"I'm glad you had a good time I wouldn't want you to be alone on your birthday" he said 

"You know if you are ever feeling lonely you can call me, it can't be much fun living in a foreign country all alone I'm always here for you if you need me just remember that" he added 

"I know and I promise I'll call if I ever need someone to talk to" I said 

"Good now enjoy the rest of your birthday I'll see you tomorrow in the gym" he said as he got ready to leave 

That wasn't the only tough part of getting to where I am either. Being British means that half the year the few tracks available are too wet or too icy so if I wanted to make it in racing I had to move away. It has always just been me and my dad so he sacrificed everything to get us out to Spain for me and my career. He worked basically every waking moment to make the money for me to keep doing what I loved. Since my first red bull rookies race I have gone out there every weekend for my dad to prove to him that it was all worth it. He can't always be at every race especially now as he had to go back home to find a better paying job but I always race for him. He has my all my trophies in his house, because they are just as much his as they are mine and I'm hardly ever in my tiny apartment anyway. Now I've really made it I get to show everyone else the rider my dad taught me to be. 

All week I've been so incredibly nervous for this day because this is the big leagues now, this is where all the stars of today started out and where all the future stars are currently. So far everything has been ok, I've done a few interviews and done some videos for the team and now we are doing some more. I got told just to wait with my bike which the team had put out on the track. Next thing I knew Pedro Acosta came walking out onto the track; the moto3 world champion, rookie sensation, the so called next Marc Marquez. Somehow, we have never shared a track together I've never even met him before despite us being the same age. I've watched him race many times and always admired him and how he races. 

"Hi, you’re Lily right? You just won rookies?" Pedro asked 

"Yeah I am, you watched the races?" I asked in disbelief 

"Of course you were great your race craft is next level" he said 

"Well thank you" I replied definitely blushing a little at the thought of the Pedro Acosta watching me race

Then everyone else turned up and it was back to work. I wanted to talk more to Pedro and get his advice but no luck this time. 

~~~~~~~~~~

After a full day of practice my brain was scrambled. It felt so good to be out there but it's much tougher than I expected. Don't get me wrong I know how to ride the bike I just couldn't seem to put a good lap together, at least one I know I'm capable of. I ended the day 14th, which means a spot in q2 but I was lucky as there was a late yellow flag that ruined a lot of people's laps. Like always I went straight into looking at the data but it’s a minefield. Missing my braking marker by even a millimetre changes the lap time a lot more than I've ever experienced before. You have to be perfect out there every lap to stay competitive. 

The rest of the team came and went leaving just me sat there staring at the numbers trying to figure out where I can do better. I know I should just leave it and call it a day get some rest, but I can't stop until I figure it out that's what my dad would tell me. I was so focused on the data in front of me that I didn't notice anyone else was there until I felt a hand on my shoulder and nearly jumped across room it scared me so much. While I was still recovering from the shock I looked over my shoulder to see Pedro there and nearly had a heart attack. 

"What are you still doing here?" Pedro asked 

"I could ask you the same question" I teased

"I came to check on you, I heard Aki saying you were still here and I thought I'd make sure you were ok" he said 

"I'm fine just trying to work out how I can do better I'm really struggling in the final sector" I explained 

"Let me have a look" he said 

"Have you tried hitting a later apex at turn 15 and braking a little less in the last corner so you have more speed coming out of it" he suggested (fyi I know nothing about the technical side of racing so I’m just kind of making it up)

"How did you figure that out so quickly I've been staring at it for hours?" I asked 

"Because I haven't been staring at it for hours and I've been there it takes a bit of experience you'll get there" he said 

"Thank you, I think I'd have been here all night if it wasn't for you" I said 

"It's no problem, I'm happy to help anytime" he smiled leaving me on my own again 

~~~~~~~~~~

Pedro has done as he promised, each weekend after practice he's either gone over data with me or been there as I try to figure it out myself. Over that time we've become good friends, we spend our free time between practices talking, not just about racing and we take it in turns to get coffee for each other each morning. I wish I could offer Pedro as much help as he offers me but I don't know enough yet luckily he doesn't seem to mind. This weekend has been my best weekend by far I had good long runs in practice and qualified 4th which is my best qualifying by far. Instead of advice on how to improve Pedro has been giving me tips on how to handle a race in the front group, which have been super helpful but they don't help the nerves. I can't seem to shake those. 

All morning I've been a nervous wreck even more so than I was before my title winning rookies race. I struggled to eat breakfast but I knew I had to eat if I wanted to have a good race. Then I was left on my own to get ready for the race which I did in a few minutes leaving the rest of the time for me to just sit and think. I thought about my dad who will be sat at home watching rooting for me as always. Right now he would be telling me that everything would be ok and that it doesn’t matter how the race goes as long as I give it my all. I need to start believing that too but it's hard when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. I know there is so many little girls out there watching me and I feel the need to show them that they can do it too. 

Even on the grid the nerves didn't go away I like to try and focus on my plan for the race but I couldn't think straight. Then I had to do an interview which made me lose my focus all over again. Putting my helmet on helped a bit as it muffled the sounds of other people talking and meant I could only really see what was in front of me. That really helped my plan was clear in my mind and I was feeling a lot calmer as my mechanics left the grid. Just before my crew chief left he pointed to the pit lane where Pedro was standing watching me. He gave me a thumbs up which helped me feel even better if he believes I can do it then I can do it. 

It all happened so quickly. Before I knew it it was the last lap and I was still in fourth but third or even second was well within my reach. It was my time to shine and I wanted to do it quickly so by turn 3 I went up the inside into third then my full focus was on taking second place. I tried a few times to overtake but I just couldn't find a way past until the last corner when I decided it was now or never so I went for it and somehow pulled it off. 

I did it. I actually did it. My first podium. I always thought I would cry when I got my first podium like I did in rookies but I didn't all I felt was pure excitement and pride for proving to myself and everyone else that I can do it. Coming into parc ferme the whole team was there cheering for me even Pedro was stood there with them. I had to be weighed first but then I was free to jump into the crowd who picked me up and lifted me in the air. They were just as happy as I was which is exactly how I know I'm in the right team they care about me just as much as the results. 

"Well done you were great out there" Aki said 

"Good job kid all that hard work has paid off" my crew chief said 

"Congrats you deserved that you were brilliant out there you're almost too good soon even I won't be able to help you" Pedro laughed 

"Thank you but you'll always be better than me mr rookie sensation" I joked 

"We'll see about that but seriously well done you really deserve this and all the praise you're going to get" he smiled 

"Thanks that means a lot" I said 

"How about we celebrate tonight before we both go home nothing crazy just room service to my hotel room what do you think?" He asked 

"That sounds great now you need to go out there and win so we have even more to celebrate" I said 

"Deal" he laughed before running off to get refresh for his own race

I watched as much of Pedro's race as I could while I was doing my media I missed some of it but I saw him cross the line to win his first moto2 race. All I wanted in that moment was to run to parc ferme and congratulate him but it doesn't work that way I probably won't see him until after we've both done our media. I finished all my media and headed back to the garage to debrief the team which was more of a celebration than a debrief. By the time we were all done and I got changed out of my team clothes Pedro had text me saying he was waiting for me in the parking lot with a taxi back to the hotel we are both staying in. 

I left Pedro on the 3rd floor so I could go to my room and freshen up quickly, which took me less than 10 minutes, but by the time I made it up a few floors to Pedro's room he'd already set a movie up on the tv and ordered room service for us both. He ordered me exactly what I would've ordered myself because he knows me well enough by now. We ate all the food which was way too much but we did it anyway then instead of watching the movie we just talked. We've talked a lot over the last few races but we've never really had any deep conversations but this time Pedro went straight in at the deep end. 

"What has it been like for you racing? Do people treat you differently?" He asked 

"Yeah they do, it's always felt like people are waiting for me to fail so they can reinforce their belief that racing isn't for girls or they like to tell me I can't do it until I believe it myself" I said 

"That's horrible I'm so glad you never gave up now a bunch of little girls can look up to you and believe they can do it too" he said 

"Don't say that you'll make me cry all I want is to be able to show just one little girl that it's possible" I said choking back tears 

"I bet after today there are so many little girls who want to get into racing or continue racing because of you and that will only increase the more you achieve" he said 

"Hopefully by the time they make it to moto3 or rookies attitudes will have changed too because I know I'm still up against it people will call my podium a fluke or they'll expect me to win every race from now that's just how it is" I explained 

"That makes me so mad I never had that kind of pressure or expectation from anyone other than myself I don't know how you do it" he commented 

"I try to ignore it as much as I can I have certain tags blocked on Instagram so I can't see what people say about me and I don't even look at Twitter I try and protect myself from it as much as possible" I said 

"If you ever need to get something off your chest or need a shoulder to cry on I'll always be here for you" he said

"Thank you I appreciate that" I said 

"Remember amor whatever the result is things will be ok we will be ok we will get to have a family of our own when the universe thinks the time is right" Carlos reassured me 

"Are you ready?" He asked 

"I can't do it can you do it" I said 

He simply nodded and picked up the test still not looking at the result. I hadn't had any symptoms so we both knew what the result was going to be but that didn't make the nerves any better. He slid one of his arms around my waist to hold me close to him as he looked at the result which is when I felt his whole body go rigid. To start with I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing but then he showed me the test and it had two lines on it one was faint but it was definitely there. Carlos picked me up and held me tight as a few tears of pure joy slipped down my face. 

"We're going to be parents" Carlos said in disbelief 

"I don't know what to say I'm just so happy" I said 

"You don't need to say anything let's just enjoy this" he said 

~~~~~~~~~~

The first appointment is always the most nerve wracking one at least that's what my mum told me. It's exciting too because you get to see the baby for the first time but it's also the time you will find out if anything is wrong and I don't think I could handle that. I'm only around 9 weeks based on my own estimates but I'm already so excited to meet this baby after we tried for so long. I've been a nervous wreck all morning while Carlos has been practically bouncing off the walls with excitement which describes our relationship perfectly I worry while he doesn't have a care in the world. 

He calmed down on the drive to the doctors which is when I think he started to feel the nerves too so he took hold of my hand to help me relax a bit as well as himself. He had to skip training to be here which was difficult as we haven't told anyone yet so he had to lie but he did it with no hesitation to be here with me. We walked in to the doctors and had to fill in a load of forms which was hard to do with my hands shaking so much so Carlos took over and then all we could do was wait until we were called in. 

It wasn't a long wait but it sure felt like forever until a nurse called my name. The first thing they did was ask a load of questions then they checked my heart rate, blood pressure and my weight then it was time to draw my blood which I've always hated but Carlos distracted me until it was done. Then it was time for the ultrasound a grainy picture quickly filled the screen there wasn't a whole lot to see but I didn't care because it was our baby no matter how small. The nurse then went searching for the heartbeat which took just long enough that I started to panic but then she found it and we could hear our babies heart beat. It was way quicker than I expected but it was such a relief to hear. 

We had a quick conversation with the nurse about extra supplements I need to take before we were on our way home. As soon as we got home the ultrasound pictures got put on the fridge so we can see them everyday. We also started talking about ways to tell our friends and family because it's about time we share the great news with everyone. 

~~~~~~~~~~

I would love to say the first trimester has been a breeze but it really hasn't my sickness started late compared to some women but it definitely hit hard. I've spent many days just laying in bed just trying to keep down just enough nutrients to keep me and baby going. Carlos has been amazing he's taken on a lot of extra tasks at home that I just can't do and he still finds time to dote on me every day. It was rough for a good few weeks but I have really started to feel better especially yesterday it was the first time I've gone all day without even feeling nauseous in months. I did have some cramping in my lower stomach but I've been really bloated the last few days so I'm sure it's to do with that so hopefully that doesn't last too long. 

Waking up this morning I still had some cramping but I ignored it as I've had worse period cramps. I rolled over to see the other side of the bed empty which usually means Carlos is making breakfast so I thought I'd join him which I haven't done in a long time as I've been bedridden with nausea. As I climbed out of bed something just felt wrong then I saw the blood all over the sheets and me. My heart actually stopped beating for a second as I looked at how much blood was everywhere and wondered how I didn't notice sooner. 

"Carlos help" I yelled not knowing what else to do 

"I'm coming what's wrong?" He asked entering the room and stopping dead in his tracks when he saw what I was looking at 

"Are you ok?" He asked running to my side 

"No something is wrong I shouldn't be bleeding and my stomach has been cramping since last night and I ignored it" I said 

"Ok we'll go the the hospital but first let's get you changed" he said trying to be calm but I could hear the worry in his voice 

The drive to the hospital was tense my cramping got worse the longer we drove and I was desperately trying not to cry. Carlos explained my situation at the hospital and they rushed me straight back to be checked. The way they were rushing I just knew it wasn't going to be good news but I also didn't want to believe it because we've waited so long for this it can't end this way. The nurses were quick to get the ultrasound on me and try and find the heartbeat but no matter how much they searched they never found the heartbeat. Then we had to listen to them tell us the bad news and explain what the next steps were but I couldn't take any of it in all I could think about is what I could've or should've done differently to prevent this. 

I had to take a pill to make sure that I passed everything on my own and I had to stay overnight so they could monitor me to make sure I was ok but honestly I couldn't bring myself to care. I just felt empty like nothing mattered nor would it ever matter again. The world could be collapsing around me and I'd struggle to care because my world has already come crumbling down right in front of my eyes. 

"It's all my fault" I whispered from my position in a ball in the floor

"It's not your fault amor not at all" Carlos said 

"But it is I should have done something when I first felt the cramping and maybe something would've been different maybe it wouldn't have ended this way" I cried 

"There was no way for you to know this is how it would end" he said 

"Maybe my body just isn't built for this that's why it took us so long to get pregnant there must be something wrong with me" I said 

"Don't say that I know it hurts but I promise you none of this is your fault or your bodies fault remember the nurse said this happens in 1 in 10 pregnancies you aren't alone one day we will have a family one way or another" he comforted 

"We will get through this together there is light at the other end of the tunnel even if we can't see it right now" Carlos added before pulling me into his arms 

~~~~~~~~~~

I thought the night at the hospital would be the worst part of having a miscarriage but I was wrong. Having to then tell everyone who knew about the pregnancy and see their disappointment was worse. All of the pity just made me feel so much worse and everyone asking how I was doing when it's quite clear that Carlos and I are both devastated. Life is painful at the moment and there is nothing anyone can do to change that but they keep trying. I appreciate the sentiment behind it but all I want is to be left alone and work through everything myself. 

Of course life goes on so I still have to go to work everyday and the grocery store and bump into fans of Carlos on the street and pretend to be ok.  But everywhere I go all I see is families enjoying time at the park or new mothers with their babies and it stings every time. I always wonder why that couldn't be me too why my baby had to be taken from me in the cruelest of ways. Every night I go home and cry myself to sleep and every night I can see the way Carlos looks at me helplessly not knowing what to do to make me feel better but honestly there is nothing he can do. 

Today has been a particularly rough day all I've seen is people with babies; couples, grandparents and even a duck with ducklings. Usually I hold my tears until I am alone with my thoughts in bed but today I couldn't hold them in any longer as soon as I walked in the door they were streaming down my face. Carlos was already home and must've heard my sobs from the other room as he quickly came over and held me close trying his best to calm me down. It's futile really but still he held me close until I had no more tears left to cry. 

"It's so hard Carlos everywhere I go I see people with babies and I wonder why that couldn't be us what I did to deserve this hell" I said 

"You didn't do anything it just wasn't meant to be this time but we will have a baby I promise you one way or another we will start a family together whenever you are ready of course but we will I won't give up as long as you don't" Carlos said 

"How can you be so sure?" I asked 

"I can't but I believe in us I believe in you I know at some point you will be ready to try again and we will have our baby I know we will" he said 

"How do you always know the right thing to say" I laughed 

"It's a skill" he joked 

~~~~~~~~~~

"Carlos there's no way I'm pregnant we only started trying last month last time it took over 8 months I've just got a sickness bug there's one going round at work anyway" I said 

"Please just take a test then we'll know for sure you can't even stomach the smell of food that's not a sickness bug you were like that when you were pregnant" Carlos argued 

"Fine I'll take a test but it'll be negative" I said 

I did as I promised and took a test and then forgot about it while I cleaned the bedroom then I saw the test on the counter again. I picked it up thinking nothing of it but there was two lines on the test. Seeing that made me drop the test again and run to find Carlos. He saw the look in my eyes and knew instantly I didn't have to say a word he just picked me up and pressed a million kisses all over my face. 

"I hope you're ready to be spoiled for the next 9 months you won't be lifting a finger until this baby is born you're carrying precious cargo" he smiled 

"I'm definitely ready" I laughed 

~~~~~~~~~~

The best sound in the world filled the room as our daughter let out her first cry as she was placed in my arms. Seeing her little face was the best feeling in the world sure she was still covered in all sorts of stuff but to me she was the cutest baby in the entire world. Carlos clearly felt the same as he also had tears in his eyes as he watched me hold our baby. He's achieved so much in his career but I could tell that to him this was the best moment of his entire life. 

~~~~~~~~~

1 month ago 

Like always I went to bed to read before going to sleep after Jack said he'd join me in a minute but only after I put my book down did I realise he still wasn't by my side. There has been times he's stayed up to watch a match or just fallen asleep on the sofa but for some reason my gut told me that I needed to get up and check on him. Heading down the stairs I could hear that the tv was on and I nearly turned back around thinking he was just watching whatever tournament is on at the moment but again something told me I had to make sure he was ok. Once I went into the living room I was glad I listened to my gut because Jack was sat on the sofa crying as he watched Carlos play. 

He looked straight at me with his red puffy eyes which nearly had me in tears too. I've seen him cry before but it's always been from joy or relief after a big match never because he's truly upset. Jack has always been someone who holds his cards close to his chest but this was a desperate cry for help, love and support and I know I need to do everything in my power to make him feel better like he's done for me countless times. The first thing he always does when I'm upset is calm me down so we can talk about what's bothering me so that what I did. As soon as I sat on the sofa and opened my arms he buried his head in my chest and just sobbed. After a while of wiping his tears and my own his sobs turned into light sniffles. 

"What's on your mind love?" I asked gently 

"What if I never get back to my best what if my arm never gets better?” he questioned 

"Baby don't think like that that's never going to happen you will get better we will do everything to make sure you recover and when you do I know you'll come back better and stronger than before" I said 

"But you don't know that" he said 

"There's a lot of things I don't know but you always say I have a good gut instinct and my gut is telling me that you'll be back before you know it and I promise I'm not just saying that to make you feel better" I said 

"You really think so?" He asked 

"Of course I've watched you play countless times I know how good you can be and I know that at your best you can beat anyone and win anything you just have to believe in yourself like I believe in you" I said 

That got a small smile out of him but he was still sniffling so I made the decision to turn off the tv and drag him to bed so we could cuddle properly. Again he settled down with his head on my chest so I played with his hair as that always relaxes him and I decided to read to him because he likes when I do that too. It wasn't long before Jack fell asleep and it became my turn to let a few tears slip down my face as I thought about how long Jack has felt like that and not told me.

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Since that night he worked so hard to get back to full fitness to be able to play the US open. I will always be proud of Jack no matter what he does but I'm especially proud of how he's turned everything around to be just as confident in his own ability as I am. Now it's me that's worrying about him instead as I can't see him that devastated again and I know I shouldn't think like that but I can't help but worry about him. 

I spent my entire flight thinking about Jack I thought about his first match and went though every possible outcome I could think of. As it got closer to the time we were landing I thought about how excited I am to see him as I've missed him in the time he's been gone. Once my flight finally landed and I made it through the airport I got myself straight into a taxi to flushing meadows to find Jack on the practice courts suitcase and all. New York traffic is so insane that it took forever to get to where I needed to be but eventually I arrived and headed to where Jack's coach told me he was. From a distance I could see him running back and forth working to reach every ball which I was really happy to see as he seemed back to his best. 

As I entered the court Jack's coach purposely missed a shot which Jack was annoyed about until his coach pointed at me. We locked eyes then within seconds his racket was on the floor and he was running at me at near full speed. In no time he was picking me up and spinning me round which he loves to do every time we reunite even if it's in front of loads of people at an airport. He eventually put me down and gave me a few kisses before grabbing my hand with one hand and my suitcase in another so I can sit and watch the rest of his practice. He seemed to practice with extra motivation with me watching he hit harder and ran faster until he was utterly exhausted so for the rest of the day we just laid in bed together. 

~~~~~~~~~~

When I woke up not entirely sure where I was and what day it is because of the jet lag but I soon figured it all out when Jack leaned over and kissed me. He was wide awake while I was still half asleep but he still dragged me out of bed so I could get ready and then we could have breakfast. While I showered Jack picked out an outfit for me to match his new kit which sped up the process of me getting ready. The second I put down my hairspray Jack was opening the hotel room door and we were off to have breakfast at the place he's been going to everyday since he got here. 

After breakfast it was time for things to get serious. We went straight to the practice courts once we arrived at flushing meadows for Jack to warm up. I watched him for a while until he had to head inside to get himself ready which is when I made my way to Jack's box. It was quite a wait until the players came out on court but eventually the match got underway and all my focus was on Jack. I was nervous at the start watching him just hoping that nothing went wrong and that his arm held up. The first set was close but Jack won it and then again in the second set Jack got a late break to win the set. The third set didn't quite go his way in the tie break but he got in done easily in the fourth. That's when I felt like I could finally relax Jack made it through the first round and he played pretty well for having not played for so long.

In his interview on court and in his press conference Jack said he was feeling good and that his arm was better but I wanted to hear it directly from him without any cameras. I had to wait a while for him to text me to meet him but eventually I got to see my wonderful boyfriend smiling which told me all I need to know. 

"Congrats you were so good out there" I said 

"Thank you it felt good to be back playing" he said 

"How is your arm feeling?" I asked 

"It really feels so much better taking that time out and working on my strength has really worked" he said 

"You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that after everything" I said 

"Me too" he said 

~~~~~~~~~~

This morning Jack and I had breakfast together in the hotel but then we went our separate ways. He had practice which I said I would watch but he told me to go out and explore New York as there's some parts of the city I haven't been to yet. I had a great time exploring the city taking a million pictures and ignoring any other notifications on my phone. My exploring time had to come to an end eventually so as soon as I started to feel hungry I made my way back taking a few detours along the way. 

When I got back to our hotel room I wasn't expecting Jack to be back yet as he usually practices for a while and he told me he had other things he was supposed to do after but when I opened the door he was sat on the bed with his head in his hands. Straight away my heart sunk because I knew something was wrong his body language told me all I needed to know. He didn't seem to notice me shutting the door so I approached him slowly and took a seat next to him on the edge of the bed. He didn't even look up but he leant into me slightly so just wrapped my arm around him until he was ready to talk. 

"I'm sorry" he whispered as his voice broke 

"What are you sorry for?" I asked 

"I'm sorry I dragged you all the way out here with the promise that my arm was better and I could really compete" he apologised 

"Tell me what happened" I said 

"I just can't do it it hurts too much I tried to keep going but I know I shouldn't or it will just get worse" he explained 

"That's ok you don't need to be sorry at all you know I will always come and support you no matter what I don't care if you get the final or go out in the first round I will always be there and this time is no different" I said

"I just feel like I let you down you believed in me and thought I'd come back better than ever yet here I am still injured and having to withdraw" he sniffled finally letting some emotion out 

"You could never let me down especially when you're injured I still believe you can come back better than ever but that time just isn't now but there will be a time I just know it" I encouraged 

"Let's forget about tennis for now I'm sure we won't get flights back for a few days so let's enjoy some time together in the city" I added 

"You're right" he said 

"I'm always right" I stated 

"You really are" he laughed 

After taking a lot more tests just to be sure and a lot of thinking I knew I had to tell Carlos. Out of all the people in the club that night it just had to be the famous guy who will want absolutely nothing to do with me or our baby and honestly I can't say I blame him. Carlos has a great career ahead of him and I know he won't be happy to know that I'm pregnant and he'll probably want me to get rid of the baby but I just don't know if I can do that. I'm lucky that we flirted in the club for a while before I went home with him because it meant we exchanged numbers so I can contact him because otherwise there's no way he'd ever know.

A few days after I found out I text Carlos telling him we needed to talk fully expecting to never get a text back but a few hours later he replied and asked me to go over to his the next day. That day is today and I've been so nervous from the minute I woke up. I haven't been able to focus on anything all day I tried to get some work done but it just didn't happen. I've also been feeling more sick than usual with the nerves which has made it even harder to focus. All that's been going around my mind is all the possible scenarios that could play out when I tell Carlos and all of them resulted in me doing this all alone. 

Finally after waiting all day I arrived at Carlos' place with shaking hands and a whole lot of anxiety. I found it hard to press the doorbell because my hands were shaking so bad but I did it then I waited for what felt like forever until Carlos answered. He had a warm smile on his face when he saw me and he pulled me in for a hug which probably should've calmed me down but it didn't because I know he's not going to feel that way in a few minutes. He offered me a drink or something to eat but I couldn't stomach either even if I tried so I politely refused. By that point I think he could tell something was wrong because his expression changed to one of concern. 

"Is everything ok?" He asked 

"Honestly no, I have something really important to tell you so please try not to freak out" I said nervously 

"It's ok I won't freak out" he said but I'm not sure he will stick to that 

"I'm pregnant" I just kind of blurted out because I didn't know how else to say it

"Really" he questioned 

"Yeah I took like 5 tests and you are the only person I've slept with recently" I said 

"Ok and what do you want to do?" He asked 

"I can't get rid of the baby you can have nothing more to do with me and the baby but I just can't rid of them" I said 

"I would never ask you to do that and I'm never going to leave you to do this on your own it's definitely not what I was expecting but I want to be there and help you as much as I can I want us to be as much of a family as possible" he said 

"Are you sure?" I asked 

"Of course you're pregnant with my baby and I want to be part of everything that comes along with that" he said 

At that point I burst into tears out of pure relief because I'd been so stressed about this conversation since I found out and it went a million times better than I could've ever imagined. Carlos was quick to pull me into his arms and wipe my tears while trying his best to comfort me even though he didn't know what was wrong. After I'd calmed down he got me some water and we talked through everything. We have a lot to figure out and decide some of which we can't do now but Carlos promised me that he'd be there no matter what which made me feel so much better. 

~~~~~~~~~~

It's been a long few weeks of waiting but finally today is my first ultrasound. It's been a miserable wait I've been so sick all day every day it's been near impossible to keep anything down even water. At one point Carlos came close to taking me to the hospital but I didn't want to go so instead he got someone to come to my apartment with an iv fluid drip to help rehydrate me. Since then he's got me into doing that at least once a week to help the baby get the nutrients they need even though it feels way too bougie for me I always feel so much better afterwards. 

Carlos has been so incredibly supportive so far much more than I could've ever expected. He tries his best to come over everyday when I finish work to check in on me and once a week a buys me a load of groceries that I would never get for myself because it just costs too much. When he can't come over in person he FaceTimes me and will send either his parents or one of his brothers over to check I'm ok and not lying to him. His family have been super supportive too despite the circumstances they are looking forward to welcoming a new member of the family. The amount of support they've all given me has been incredible I think I'd be feeling so much worse mentally if it wasn't for them so I'm incredibly grateful.

For my appointment Carlos insisted on picking me up he even pushed his training session to later to be able to join me. Just like he said he would be picked me up and we drove to the doctors together talking the whole way about how excited we both are to see baby for the first time. Once we arrived at the doctors I had all sorts of forms to fill out which I did but then we still had to wait and that's when the nerves started to creep in. It just all hit me how utterly ridiculous this whole situation is, here I am sat with the guy I had a one night stand with waiting to see our baby for the first time. It didn't take long for Carlos to notice that I was starting to overthink things so he grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear to tell me that everything will be ok which did help calm me down. 

Eventually the nurse called us in and as it's my first appointment they had to do a lot more tests and measurements than usual including taking my blood while I've always hated but Carlos distracted me and made it not quite so bad. Then it was time for the ultrasound where we got to see our baby on the screen for the first time. There wasn't a whole lot to see as I'm only around 10 weeks along but still it was amazing to see. Thanks to my stupid hormones I couldn't stop myself from crying while looking at the little blob on the screen that in a few months will be a baby. I looked over at Carlos through my tears to see a giant smile on his face which only made me more emotional. He doesn't have to be this invested in me and our baby I mean it was a complete accident but I can tell he wants to be and that makes me want to cry tears of pure joy. 

"Do you want to go to lunch to celebrate?" Carlos asked as we were leaving 

"My brain would love to but my stomach has other ideas" I laughed 

"How about I make you something plain and simple instead then you can just eat what you can" he offered 

"That sounds great thank you" I said

"Anything for you and baby" he smiled 

~~~~~~~~~~

My pregnancy has flown by and now I've reached my due date so our little girl could arrive any day. I remember when we found out we were having a girl like it was yesterday Carlos was so incredibly excited. He secretly was hoping we'd have a girl and from the minute we found out he started calling her his little princess which melts my heart every time he says it. Now here we are 5 months later eagerly awaiting her arrival. 

A few days ago Carlos left for a tournament which he really didn't want to go to but I managed to convince him he had to do it for his career. To make himself feel better about going he insisted I stay at his place closer to his parents so just in case anything happened they could help me out. From quite early on we agreed that once the baby was born I'd stay with Carlos so we can be together as a family plus he has the room to have a nursery which he's already fully decorated. So it made sense for me to move in a few days before my due date to get settled in and make sure everything is organised. I didn't have to worry about that though as Carlos thought of everything and it was all so neatly organised in the nursery he decorated himself. 

Carlos' support hasn't wavered once throughout my entire pregnancy. He has been there for everything the sickness, the mood swings and the insecurities he has supported me through it all and honestly I don't know if I could've done it without him. Over time we've grown closer and closer with all the late night chats while I cried over something stupid we've really bonded. We are no longer just doing this for the baby we really do have a good relationship. Over the last few months we've explored a romantic relationship but it has been difficult with Carlos gone so often so nothing has really gone anywhere yet. I'm definitely attracted to him and despite the swollen ankles Carlos says he is attracted to me too. I don't doubt that eventually we will give things a go but for now we've just had other things on our minds. 

Last night I started to get some cramps in my lower back but I ignored it in hopes that it would just go away as I'd been on my feet a lot but when I woke up this morning the pain was still there if not stronger. At that point I should've said something to Carlos but he has an important match today and I didn't want him to come back if it's just a false alarm. Instead I just tried to go about my day but the pain was really distracting and getting stronger the longer time went on. It went from light cramping to contractions far too quickly for my liking and those contractions only got closer together and more painful. 

By the time Carlos came out onto court I was truly in the trenches with contractions every 7 minutes but still I didn't want to call anyone because my waters haven't broken yet. Watching Carlos distracted me for a while but eventually that wasn't enough and I had to get up and walk around which is when it happened. I walked just a few steps before liquid came rushing down my legs followed by a very intense contraction. That's when I knew I had to give in so I found my phone to call Juan Carlos because that's what Carlos told me to do if he either wasn't answering or was playing. 

"Hey y/n is everything ok?" Juan Carlos asked sort of shouting over the noise of the crowd 

"My waters just broke and I'm having a lot of contractions" I said 

"Ok just try and breathe I'll let Carlos know everything will be ok he'll make it I’ll do everything in my power to make sure he's there" he promised 

"Thank you" I said hanging up

I made my way back to the living room and watched as Juan Carlos gave Carlos a signal and straight away he put his hand up to forfeit the match. The crowd seemed shocked as he was winning and playing well but he paid no mind to them he just grabbed his stuff and ran off court. Within minutes I had a text from Juan Carlos telling me they were getting on a flight straight back and would be here in a few hours which realistically isn't that long but in my mid  it felt like forever. Not long after that Carlos was FaceTiming me from the back of a car which was taking him to the airport.

"How are you doing?" He asked me while I was mid contraction 

"Not great it hurts" I said 

"I know I'm sorry I'm not there to hold your hand but I'll be there soon I promise" he said 

"Please hurry I can't do this alone" I said started to cry 

"I'll be there please don't cry I'll make it I won't miss this for anything" he said 

"You got this ok you might think you can't do it but you can now I've got to go but I'll be there before you know it" he said 

He hung up and then I was on my own again. I knew I needed to head to the hospital because things were getting intense so I tried to call Carlos' mum as we decided she'd be the one to take me to the hospital if Carlos wasn't around but she didn't answer. I tried again and again then tried a few other people but got no answer so I took matters into my own hands. The car seat wasn't installed so I had to do that while pushing through the pain then I grabbed my hospital bag which luckily I already packed and got myself in the car. Driving myself definitely wasn't my best idea but I had no other choice so I gripped my steering wheel harder every time a contraction came until the hospital was in sight. 

The receptionist took me straight to a room as they saw me because I had an awful contraction halfway to the desk and I'm sure I looked like I needed all the help I could get. Someone came in to check me pretty much straight away and they said I was already 7cm dilated. Then I was hooked up to a load of monitors so that my contraction could be measured as well as baby's heartbeat. I tried to text Carlos but of course he didn't answer as he's on a plane but it made me feel better that he knew things were progressing. 

Another two hours went by and I was beginning to really struggle on my own. All I wanted was a hand to hold and someone to tell me this doesn't last forever because right now it sure feels like it does. In the last half an hour things have really got intense and I've had an ever growing urge to push but I also want to wait for Carlos I don't want him to miss this moment. As I was thinking about all of that a nurse came in to check me and said I was at 10cm so I'm ready to push.

"I can't push yet Carlos isn't here" I said like she had any idea what I meant 

"You can do it sweetie we'll be right here for you" she said 

"No I can't he can't miss this he promised he'd be here" I cried 

"I'm sure he'll be here soon but baby is ready to make her entrance" the nurse said 

Right as she said that Carlos burst through the door still wearing his kit from the match looking like he'd ran 5 miles but he was here.

"I'm here I'm here everything's ok" he said rushing to my side 

"Are you ready now?" The nurse asked 

"Yeah I guess so" I replied 

Carlos grabbed my hand and kissed my forehead with a reassuring smile on his face. I was told to push every time I felt a contraction which I did but it was incredibly tiring after going through all those hours of labour. It was beginning to feel like I couldn't do it I had no energy left to give but there's no backing out now. Carlos could tell I was flagging so he kept whispering every encouraging word he could think of in my ear until we heard the best sound I think I'll ever hear. 

The sound of our baby's cry filled the room and instantly all I felt was happiness and relief. The nurses were quick to hand her to me for skin to skin which is when I first got to see her face and thats when the tears started to fall. She was just so beautiful I couldn't believe that this was the life I'd been growing for 9 months. I looked up at Carlos and he was also crying as he stroked our baby's head looking at her like he was ready to give her everything in the world. He got to cut the umbilical cord then we were left alone to soak up the golden hour alone.

"I'm so glad you made it I don't think I could've done it without you" I said 

"You did amazing I did nothing you were so strong I'm just so in awe that you handled that so well" he said 

"It's all worth it to see that cute little face" I said stroking our daughters cheek

"She's definitely the cutest baby ever" he laughed 

"Oh definitely I think we deserve a world record" I joked 

"Seriously though I know I've said it before but I mean it when I say that I'll do anything and everything to take care of both of you you both deserve the world and I'll do my best to give it to you" he said 

"All we need is your love and support and we'll be just fine" I said 

"You know I've been thinking for a long time and I think now is the perfect time to ask if you'll be my girlfriend so we can be a proper family" he said 

"I'd love that" I replied 

"Hello miss is this your apartment?" One of the plumbers asked 

"Yes it is what happened?" I asked 

"The apartment above had a leak and all the water came through to your apartment the only room that isn't flooded is the bedroom but there is some water on the floor from the living room" he explained 

"So what do I do?" I asked 

"You can't stay here the whole place needs to be dried out and re done to stop mould forming your landlord already knows but it's up to them what you do so I'd call them" he said

"Thank you I'll do that then I'll be right back to collect some of my things" I said 

As always my landlord was the most frustrating person to talk to but eventually after I threatened to sue him we came to an agreement although this agreement didn't give me somewhere to live. We agreed that he would pay to replace all my stuff that got damaged and I wouldn't have to pay rent until the place was liveable again but I have to find somewhere to stay on my own. It's in times like this that I regret moving so far away from home because I can't just stay with my parents or siblings all I've got is my friends but most of them live with roommates and have no spare rooms. The only person I could think to call was my best friend Aria who I know is out of town but her boyfriend plays for Barcelona so I just have to hope one of them knows someone who can help me. 

"Hey girl how are you?" Aria asked as soon as I called 

"I've been better my whole apartment is flooded and I have nowhere to go that's actually why I was calling I know you're out of town but I was hoping you or Eric would know someone I could call" I explained 

"Oh god girl I'm so sorry I'll call Eric right now and call you back I promise we'll find you somewhere to stay" she said 

While I waited to hear back from Aria I packed up as much of my stuff as I could in the suitcases I have. Luckily most of my clothes were all fine and so was my laptop which is one positive to come out of this whole thing so far. By the time I had packed I got a call back from Aria telling me that one of Eric's teammates was coming to pick me up and he already had my address so all I had to do was take all my stuff and wait. I took my stuff out to the front of the building then it begun to rain. Just as I was moving all my things back under cover in the lobby I stopped feeling the rain on me and when I looked back Ferran was stood holding an umbrella over me. 

I've met Ferran a few times when with Aria but we aren't exactly close. I should probably be more opposed to staying with him seeing as we don't know each other that well but at this point I'm desperate. If Eric and Aria trust him and if he agreed then surely things can't be that bad, plus I don't plan to stay there long I just need a few days to sort something out. Ferran had a sympathetic smile as he handed me the umbrella leaving himself in the rain while I stayed sheltered. 

"Hey are you doing ok?" He asked 

"As ok as I can be thank you for letting me stay with you it'll only be for a few days until I get something else figured out" I said 

"Don't worry about that you can stay as long as you need I just want you to make sure you're safe" he said 

"On the way back we can stop at the store if you need anything I have some basics in the bathroom but I don't know what you were able to take" he added 

"The bathroom was a disaster so I haven't got anything from there they wouldn’t even let me go in" I said 

"Then we'll go shopping" he said 

He grabbed all my stuff for me and put it in his car I didn't have to do anything and he opened the passenger door for me. I'm sure this level of kindness won't last and I don't expect it to as we both have our separate lives to live but after the day I've had it's nice to have someone be so kind. Like he promised we went to the store and I got all the things I absolutely needed which isn't too much luckily as I don't have the money to spend on all new toiletries. I asked Ferran to find some toothpaste while I got some other things and when he came back I was done so I headed towards the tills but he stopped me. He insisted I replace everything I would have in my bathroom and he'd pay for it. I tried to tell him I couldn't let him do that but he insisted and wouldn't take no for an answer so I gave in. 

When we made it back to his place Ferran brought my things inside and gave me some towels so I could shower and change. By the time I came back down he had almost finished making dinner so I set the table so we can both eat together. Eating together was actually really nice we got to know each other better and realised we actually have a lot in common as we are both from Valencia and have similar interests. After dinner we both sat and watched a movie together while still talking until it got late and we both had to get some sleep. 

~~~~~~~~~~

When my alarm went off I panicked slightly not recognising the room I was sleeping in but I quickly remembered everything that happened yesterday and calmed down. When getting ready I hadn't taken into account the extra time it would take me to figure out where everything is so by the time I made it downstairs I was running late. Ferran was already awake and in the kitchen with a cup of coffee for himself and another one which he handed to me as well as some toast. 

"Good morning I don't know what you usually have for breakfast but I thought coffee and toast was a safe bet" he said 

"Thank you I don't usually have breakfast so this is an upgrade" I said 

"Well I have to have breakfast before training so I'll always make enough for you" he smiled 

"I really appreciate that thank you I'll have to make time to eat it every day but I'm already running late today so I've got to go" I said 

"Wait before you go I have a key for you so you don't have to worry about me being around to let you in" he said 

Something about this morning felt weirdly domestic and it was all I could think about while on the bus to work. I always knew Ferran was a good guy but he's been exceptionally nice to me and really made me feel welcome in his home even though he has no reason to. Before I was skeptical about staying with Ferran but now I'm not so worried about staying there until I can find somewhere else to stay. 

~~~~~~~~~~

It's been a week since my apartment flooded and I'm still staying with Ferran. I tried to look for somewhere else to stay but every place I looked at was way too much money so he told me to stop looking and that I should just stay with him until my apartment is ready. I didn't want to do that as he won't take any money from me and I don't want to get in the way but he insisted so here I am still here. 

We've had a lot of fun over our first week together we've had a couple movie nights together and tonight Ferran planned a game night with a few of his teammates which he told me I have to join. I had the day off so to try and do something to repay Ferran for everything has has done to help me I took myself to the grocery store to get some stuff to make a load of snacks for everyone. I've always loved baking so I got the ingredients to make cookies and cupcakes which of course I decorated in barca colours. By the time I finished, cleaned up and got myself ready Ferran was walking through the door with Pedri with him. 

"It smells amazing in here" Pedri announced as he walked in 

"Wait did you make all of those?" Ferran asked as soon as he saw the cookies and cupcakes 

"Yeah I had time and I love to bake plus I thought you guys might like a treat" I said 

"They look delicious thank you" Pedri said 

"Thank you so much your the best" Ferran said going to grab a cupcake 

"You can't have one yet wait for everyone to get here" I said swatting his had away 

"Fine but only because I know you'll kill me if I take one" he said 

"You bet I will" I laughed 

There was still a few more things to set up before everyone else arrived so Ferran and I worked together to get drinks and games ready like a well oiled machine even though we've never done it before. When we were done everyone else turned up and within minutes everyone had a cookie or cupcake in their hand and I received endless compliments on my baking. They were all talking about football which I don't know enough about to join in so I just sat on my phone until Ferran put an arm around my shoulders and changed the topic so I could talk with everyone too. 

After we all talked and ate snacks game night began. Seeing as there was so many of us we had to get into pairs to play together which worried me until Ferran claimed me as his partner. First we played fifa which I'd never played but Ferran taught me how to play and we did a pretty good job after I got the hang of it. Playing against a bunch of footballers made me realise I'm not competitive at all I was just happy to learn how to play but they all wanted to beat each other more than anything. We played a load more games including mario kart which I'm an expert at before Ferran suggested Pictionary. It was only once we started I realised Ferran can't draw to save his life which made it next to impossible to guess what he was supposed to be drawing. 

"Why would you suggest Pictionary when you can't even draw a stick man" I said after a particularly bad drawing 

"I though my drawing was perfect" Ferran said feigning offence 

"The stick figure had no arms" I argued 

"It was my artistic interpretation" he argued back 

"You two argue like a married couple" Eric laughed 

"We do not" Ferran snapped back

"You do you argue then you make up then you argue again then you crush us all at mario kart" Pedri said 

"You guys are just mad you lost" Ferran said 

All the guys left around 2am leaving just me and Ferran to clean up which he said I didn't need to help with but I did anyway. By the time we were done it was nearly 3am and I was exhausted so I flopped myself down on the sofa and Ferran did the same right next to me. I knew I needed to get up and go to bed but laying down just felt so good that I didn't want to move. One moment I was laying on the sofa telling myself I'd just rest my eyes for a minute then the next thing I knew someone was carrying me up the stairs. My eyes opened slightly to see Ferran as he placed me in bed gently and placed a kiss to my forehead which sent sparks flying around my body then he left like nothing ever happened while I laid awake thinking about the way he kissed me. 

~~~~~~~~~~

My time at Ferran's has gone by so quickly it's been three months but it's felt like 3 weeks. At the end of last week I got a call to say my apartment would be ready this weekend. Since then a lot has happened, when I told Ferran about my apartment being ready he admitted he had feelings for me. It was the last thing I expected him to say but I was happy to hear it because I've developed feelings for him too. I feel like it was inevitable after we spent everyday together cooking, watching movies even working out together. Aria tried to tell me Ferran liked me and that he was flirting with me but I just saw it was friendly banter but looking back she was right we were both flirting with each other without realising. 

Since then we have been exploring our feelings for each other by going on a few dates. One night he took me to dinner, then we had a day at the beach together and then last night we spent the night outside under the stars. Ferran has turned into a proper romantic since we admitted our feelings for each other he got me flowers the next day and since then he's made me breakfast every morning and brought me lunch during work twice. It's probably too early to say but so far I have to say he's perfect he treats me right but he also truly cares about me which is something I've not had in my past relationships. 

Things have been perfect for the last week and now I'm going back to my apartment and things are going to change which I'm a little scared of. Our relationship has definitely started in an unconventional way as we've been living together and sleeping together in the same bed for the last week so not doing those things is going to change the dynamic massively. I know it will be good for us to have some time apart and build our relationship properly but I don't want to leave this little bubble we have found ourselves in. 

Ferran had training early this morning so while he was gone I finished packing and brought everything downstairs ready to load up into Ferran's car as he's helping me. When he came back he had lunch with him for us to enjoy an our last little date before have less time when we go back to our separate lives. Even though it was just lunch Ferran really made the effort to make it special and he was very affectionate giving me lots of kisses and cuddling up with me. We had a great time but eventually we both knew we had to start moving my stuff so we did. 

It felt weird to go back to my apartment as I haven't seen it in three months but I have to say it looked so much better and had a lot less water in. I gave Ferran a little tour and showed him all my pictures and things I've kept over the years so he could get to know me better. We actually had fun discovering things I'd forgotten about as we were unpacking as I got to reminisce and Ferran got to laugh at my cringy school photos. Sadly all good times must come to an end and I only have so much stuff so when we finished unpacking it was time for us to say goodbye. 

"God I hate this I don't want to go back home without you" Ferran said 

"Who would've guessed we'd be here three months later not wanting to leave each others sides" I said 

"Yeah its been crazy and I'm going to make it even crazier by asking if you'll be my girlfriend" he asked 

"I can’t think of anything I'd like more" I said 

"Also you better come stay with me a couple nights a week otherwise I'll have withdraws" he laughed 

"Oh I'll be there I can't go too long without our movie nights and late night talks" I said 

"Good I'll see you tomorrow" he said 

"Tomorrow?" I questioned 

"I've got tickets waiting for you for our game tomorrow and I may have put a shirt in your wardrobe for you to wear" he smiled 

"I'm excited to wear it and I'm excited to see you play" I said 

"I should go but know I'm going to miss you more than you know my place is going to feel so empty without my new roommate" he said 

From the day I graduated I started working for Jack as his sports psychologist as that's what I specialised in at uni. I thought me working for Jack would change things but it hasn't at all in fact I think the fact that we already knew each other so well has really helped me know how Jack feels and what he needs to work on to play better. Working together has also meant we get to spend so much more time together as Jack always makes sure I travel with him which has meant I've got to experience so many amazing things. 

There is one big downside to working with Jack and that's the fact that I've had a secret crush on him for years. I realised my feelings for Jack had changed when I moved to uni and my favourite part of the day was FaceTiming him every night but I definitely had a crush before then that’s just when I first realised it. I was really hoping my crush would fade over time but if anything the opposite happened. There's the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder and that really was the case for me the longer I went without seeing Jack the more my heart melted whenever he was around. Over my time at uni I never dated anyone else and I got away with it by saying I was focusing on my studies but now I don't have that excuse and my friends and family keep asking when I'm going to find someone. 

There has been a few times where I've thought about telling Jack how I feel but since we started working together I haven't even entertained that idea because if he doesn't feel the same I'll lose my best friend and my job. Seeing as I can't tell Jack how I feel I made a new years resolution this year to try going on some dates to just put myself out there and see what happens. I stuck to my resolution and put myself on a few dating apps and I've been on some dates but most of them have been awful. Most of them have lasted less than an hour and if they did they definitely didn't make it past a second date. Recently I met this guy Josh who wasn't like the other guys I've been on dates with he wasn't catfishing me in any way and he wasn't so self absorbed that he only spoke about himself. He is genuinely a nice guy who I've liked spending time with so we've been on a couple dates now and I've been enjoying myself. 

After being away for a few weeks at different tournaments I finally have a few weeks at home and Josh quickly jumped on that and arranged a casual movie night so we can catch up as we haven't talked much while I've been gone. Before that though Jack has a training session and then we are going to sit and go through all his recent matches to see where he can improve. During training sessions there's not much for me to do so all I do is sit and watch or get on with some work but today it was hard to get any work done as Jack took his shirt off not long after the session started and I couldn't help but stare. 

No matter how sweet Josh is and how much I want it like him I still haven't got over my feelings for Jack. I'm hoping time will change that but that's obviously impossible to know and the more I get to know Josh the worse I feel about stringing him along when I'm not sure I'll ever love him the way I love Jack. That thought distracted me from Jack until the session was over and it was time for us to do our thing. 

Things took longer than I expected with Jack so by the time we were finished I had to rush out to make it to Josh's place on time which meant quickly touching up my makeup and calling a cab instead of getting the tube like I planned. I thought I was alone as I was rushing around to pack my things up while looking for my phone I somehow misplaced until I heard a voice which really made me jump. I've never turned around so quickly but I calmed down when I realised it was just Jack. 

"Are you ok?" He asked 

"Yeah I've just got somewhere to be we ran over a bit so I've got to get going" I lied because I haven't told him about Josh or any dates for that matter 

"You should've said something we could've finished another day I don't have a tournament for a while so we have time" he said 

"It's fine I still have time to get there if I could just find my phone" I said partly to myself 

"Here I've got it it's right in front of you as always" he teased 

"Thank you" I smiled 

"Do you need a ride or anything I've got no plans" he offered 

"No it's ok I've got to go to like the other side of London I don't want to make you go so far out of your way I'll see you tomorrow though" I said 

"Oh ok see you tomorrow" he said 

He gave me a quick hug and I ran off but all I was thinking about the whole time I was in the cab was the way all my hairs stood on end and sparks flew through my body when Jack touched me. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Over the last few days I've spent all my time either in bed or in the bathroom as I somehow picked up a nasty sickness bug that took it all out of me. Yesterday I started to feel better and today I'm feeling even better, I actually managed to keep down some breakfast. It's good timing for me to feel better too because tonight Josh is taking me to a concert for his favourite band because his friend that he was going with dropped out last minute. I really didn't want to have to do the same and luckily I think I feel good enough to go. 

I know if I'm going to go out tonight I need to take it easy for the rest of the day so I got myself settled under a blanket on the sofa where I planned to stay all day watching tv until someone rang my doorbell. I wasn't expecting anything or anyone but I answered it anyway to see Jack stood at my door with a bag of groceries and a board game under his arm. I couldn't help but let a smile creep onto my face because I've missed Jack. Obviously I couldn't go to work and I told Jack not to come round so I didn't get him sick but he still text me every day to make sure I was still alive, unlike Josh who text once and that was it. I should've known he'd come round after he texted this morning and I said I was feeling better but honestly I quite like the surprise visit. Josh would never even think to do this and that only made my heart hurt more knowing that to get a boyfriend who cares like this I'd have to admit my feelings to Jack. 

Jack let himself in and headed to the kitchen to put away the food before joining me on the sofa with a plate of rice cakes and Nutella because he knows I love the two together. He also stole the tv remote out my hand to put on the show we used to watch on FaceTime together while I was at uni which we've both seen a million times but it'll never not be my favourite. We watched tv and played board games together all morning while Jack made sure I had anything I could need like topping up my water every time I finished it and tucking a blanket around me if I even so much as looked cold. When it was time for lunch he ordered me my favourite food but he refused to take any money from me insisting it was his gift to make me feel better. 

We had lunch then I must've fallen asleep because I woke up laying on Jack's chest while he sat quietly on his phone. I really wish I could've stayed like that forever but sadly life doesn't work that way. At the very least I was hoping I could relax a little longer because I know Jack would never disturb me if I was comfy but then I realised the time. I'd slept for most of the afternoon and now I'm meeting Josh in an hour and I'm still dressed in sweats with my hair unbrushed and no makeup on. 

"Oh shit" I said out loud but to myself more than Jack

"Is everything ok?" He asked 

"I'm supposed to be meeting someone in an hour and I still look like death" I said 

"You don't look like death" he laughed 

"Well I can't go out like this" I said 

I got myself up and rushed off to get myself ready by taking a quick shower and putting on the first dress I saw. My hair wasn't cooperating so I just put it up and quickly did some basic makeup so I didn't look like I've been at home sick all week. 

"Where are you going?" Jack asked 

"Just out with a friend" I lied 

"Dressed like that really you don't even like dressing up for events let alone just seeing friends" Jack said 

"Well I have to dress up" I said 

"Y/n what is going on I can tell you are lying to me" he said 

"Fine I'm going on a date with this guy I've been seeing for a little while" I sort of snapped back 

"Why didn't you tell me you were going on a date?" He pushed further 

"Because I knew you'd ask too many questions and I don't have to tell you everything about my life" I argued

"Sorry that I care about you" he snapped back 

The room filled with silence as we both thought about our little fight. We've had worse fights but we really don't fight often so any fight feels huge because our bond is just so strong. Jack isn't wrong though I should've just told him the truth I mean he's my best friend and people tell their best friends when they dating someone new. He also always has my best interests at heart so if he thought Josh wasn't treating me right he'd tell me but if I didn't listen he'd be there when something upset me. 

"I'm sorry for shouting at you I just don't like the thought of you going on a date" Jack said

"Why?" I asked 

"God this is not the right time to do this but fuck it I've loved you for years and the thought of you dating and being happy with someone else kills me" he admitted 

"How long have you felt like that?" I asked 

"Since before you went to uni but I could never bring myself to tell you because I didn't want to ruin our friendship but I guess thats too late now" he said 

"Maybe it's not I've loved you for years too I was just too scared to say anything the only reason I started dating is because I thought you'd never feel the same way about me" I admitted 

I didn't get chance to say anything else before Jack pulled me in and kissed me. The feeling of kissing him was better than I ever imagined my whole body felt like it was on fire in the best way it was just magical. It was like all our years of hidden feelings were finally expressing themselves in this one kiss. I knew the kiss had to end at some point but I really didn't want it to and I don't think Jack did either as we kept kissing until we both ran out out air and needed to breathe. As we pulled away I couldn't help but stare at Jack and the huge smile on his face which I'm sure was plastered on my face too. 

"I don't think I can wait any longer to ask you this so will you be my girlfriend?" Jack asked 

"I can't think of anything I'd like more" I replied 

When we finally got home Carlos told me to go inside and relax while he brought our suitcases in and put some washing on. Eventually he came to join me with a glass of cold water and a snack for me which I took gratefully. As I started eating I felt a strange sensation but I instantly knew that it was our babies kicking for the first time. One was kicking on one side of my stomach and the other was kicking on the other side it was like they were arguing in there over who could kick harder. I didn't want to be the only one to experience it so I grabbed Carlos' hands and placed them on the parts of my bump where the kicks are strongest. 

"Woah thats amazing I can't believe they're kicking" he smiled completely in awe 

"I know they are clearly excited to be home too" I said 

"What does it feel like for you?" He asked 

"It's a weird sensation I really don't know how to describe it but I can feel it more than you probably can" I said 

"It really makes it feel so real that we're having twins I remember when we found out I think my jaw actually hit the floor I couldn't believe it" he said 

~~~~~~~~~~

Finally the time has come for my first ultrasound after having to wait a few weeks so that Carlos can be here. He told me that I didn't have to wait for day he could come but I want him with me and I know he'd be sad to miss it too he just won't say it. We're both so excited to be starting a family together, it's something we've both always wanted as we are super close with our families and we wanted to build that together. 

For some reason when we got to the doctors I felt incredibly nervous and not for any particular reason I just felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety. I'm sure people get nervous at their first appointments because you never know if everything is ok until they do all the tests and the ultrasound but that's not why I'm nervous. I don't really know what it is but something in my brain is telling me that there's going to be some sort of surprise or something we aren't expecting. Carlos seemed to notice my nerves as he grabbed my hand and held it tightly before pressing a kiss to my temple. He seemed so relaxed but that's just how he is, he has always been the calm one in our relationship so while I'm panicking he brings me back down to reality. 

My name was called not long after so we headed into the room where there was a nurse waiting for us with a big smile. She took some blood and then measured my blood pressure and heart rate before we finally got round to the ultrasound. By that point my hands were shaking with the nerves but Carlos kept hold of my hand and kept me calm. We both watched the screen intensely as the nurse got it focused on where the baby would be and we could finally see our baby on the screen although there wasn't much to see. 

"Here we have baby number one and here is baby number two" the nurse said so nonchalantly 

"Wait two" I questioned 

"Oh my is this your first appointment I'm so sorry yes you're having twins I get that's probably a bit of a shock but we will make sure you are well looked after so there is nothing to worry about" the nurse explained 

"Wow I don't even know what to say" Carlos said 

I had tears in my eyes and Carlos looked like he had just seen a ghost he was that shocked but I could see a glimmer of excitement in his eyes. Right now it feels like a lot but there's no doubt in my mind that we will find a way to make it work and love our twins more than anything. 

~~~~~~~~~~

"It's crazy to think about how far we've come since we first met and even our first date" I said 

"I was so surprised you even text me back after that date I really thought I'd completely messed it up" Carlos laughed 

"Honestly the way you tried to make everything better is what made me give you another chance I could tell you had good intentions everything just went wrong that day" I said 

~~~~~~~~~~

First dates are always nerve wracking especially when it's with someone you are still getting to know. Usually I don't go on dates with people I don't know that well but I made an exception this time because I really do like Carlos and he seems like such a nice and genuine guy. He was supposed to pick me up and 7 but there was a road closure on his way to my place which meant he had to take a detour but he promised he'd make it as quick as he could. At 7:30 he arrived and greeted me with a warm smile as he opened the car door for me which I don't think any of my other dates have ever done for me. 

He had planned for us to go to dinner at this restaurant he says is really good. When we got there it was super busy but he said he made a reservation so we headed to the host stand to get our table but they didn't have one for us. They had the reservation but they forgot to hold a table which they profusely apologised for but the best they could offer us was over a two hour wait which we both agreed was too much. Instead Carlos asked me what my favourite restaurant is and we went there but for some reason it was closed and by this point we were both starving and just wanted to eat. 

Carlos suggested that we go back to his and we could order some food. I thought our bad luck would've ended by then but of course it didn't the food arrived and it was completely inedible nothing was cooked properly and it smelt awful. I could tell Carlos was feeling awful about everything but was also annoyed that nothing was going his way and I can't say I blame him from the outside looking in anyone would think this has been an awful date so far. As much as nothing has gone right I'm still having a good time just getting to know Carlos and seeing how he deals with all this gives me a good insight into who he is as a person. 

So that we had something to eat we made some pasta together and then we just sat and talked. He was so apologetic about everything even though none of it was his fault which only made me more sure of the fact that I wanted to go on a second date with him. We had such a good time chatting and laughing like we've known each other for years which is a great sign for things to come. After a few hours he took me home leaving me with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to text me in a few days to arrange a second date. 

~~~~~~~~~~

"At least the day you proposed went a lot smoother" I said 

"I'm still surprised you had no idea I was so nervous and I really thought I was giving it away by trying to act normal" Carlos said 

"You did a good job I just enjoyed the day without even thinking about if you were acting weird I probably should've known something was up when you insisted we both wear white but I just thought you wanted us to take cute pictures" I said 

"Well I did want us to take pictures just not the kind you were thinking" he laughed 

~~~~~~~~~~

"What should I wear?" I asked Carlos who was sat waiting for me on the bed of our hotel room 

"That white dress is pretty plus then we can match" he said 

"Ooh cute" I said 

I put the dress on with Carlos' help to do the zip up and then we were ready to go exploring. Since Carlos has some time off he wanted us to go on holiday together and after a discussion we decided to go to Rome as I've never been and Carlos has never had time to explore the city properly. So far we've enjoyed a relaxing few days walking round the streets and eating way too much but today Carlos has planned things for us to do. 

The first thing we did was a tour of the colosseum which was so amazing to see. It's so much bigger than I was expecting and the architecture was beyond incredible. Carlos managed to get us onto an extended tour so we got to see pretty much the whole colosseum in a much smaller group so it was a lot more enjoyable. After that we made a quick stop for lunch before we went across the border into Vatican City to see the Sistine chapel which is also an amazing sight to see. These things have been on my bucket list for years so to actually get to experience them with Carlos is amazing. I would never want to do any of this without him because he just makes everything so much more fun and I wouldn't want to have these memories without him in them.

After a long day of exploring I was ready to head back to the hotel and order room service while watching a movie together but Carlos said he had one last thing planned so we headed back into Rome. The last thing he wanted us to do was visit the trevi fountain so that we could throw coins in and make a wish together. I didn't have any coins on me but Carlos was prepared so he handed me a coin which I threw over my shoulder while making my wish together be able to travel to more amazing places like this with Carlos. 

When I turned back around to face him Carlos was down on one knee holding the most beautiful ring I think I've ever seen. It's safe to say that was the last thing I expected to see in fact I think my heart skipped a beat or two while trying to process what was happening. He reached for my hand and took a deep breath while I struggled to get any air in my lungs. 

"Y/n from our very first date I knew you were special we bonded in a way I've never experienced before and now I know that's because you are the one for me I could go on for hours about all the reasons I love you but we have the rest of our lives for that so will you make me the luckiest man in earth and marry me?" He asked 

"Yes a million times yes" I said 

"Looks like this fountain really is magic my wish already came true" he smiled 

"You are so cheesy" I laughed 

"But you wouldn't have me any other way plus you are stuck with me now" he joked 

"You're right about that" I said 

~~~~~~~~~~

"All this reminiscing is making me emotional" I said 

"Just think about all the new memories we'll be able to make once the twins are here all their firsts and we can bring them to our favourite places to make new memories" Carlos said 

"Are you trying to make me cry" I laughed holding back tears 

"No it's just fun to think about how in a few short months our lives will be completely different but that brings a whole new set of challenges and memories to be made I just can't wait to do all of that with you" he said 

When I was finally better I vowed that I'd never go anywhere near the sport of tennis which includes playing and even watching tennis. Before the injury tennis was my life but the very thing I loved so much took everything away from me in one split second and I couldn't do that to myself again. Instead I decided to focus on my education and get myself a good job that was much less risky and that's what I did. I worked hard and graduated top of my class with a degree in marketing which landed me a job at Nike straight out of uni. That's how I met Jannik and everything changed. 

Once my boss found out I used to play tennis he put me in charge of all the campaigns with the Tennis players they sponsor which was a big deal for my career but it was the last thing I wanted to do. The first campaign I worked on was with Jannik who really surprised me as he was so down to earth. In between shoots he sat and talked with me about my tennis career and why I gave it up which I never thought I'd talk about but for some reason around Jannik I couldn't stop myself. When I told him that I haven't stepped foot on a tennis court since that flipped a switch in him. He gave me his number that day and said he wanted me to enjoy tennis again so I should come to one of his training sessions just to watch. 

Before going to one of his training sessions he invited me out for coffee and we talked for hours about everything. After that we went out together a few more times which looking back were dates but at the time we never put a label on them until the day Jannik asked me to be his girlfriend. It was only then that he asked if I'd come to one of his training sessions but he didn't push he never reminded me he just knew that once I was ready I would go and one day I did. From that day I learned to love tennis as a fan rather than as a player which was something I never thought I'd get back. 

In the three years I've been with Jannik I've traveled the world watching him play and watching him win major titles which hurt a little to start with as I thought about what could've been but then I always remember how much I love my life now. Jannik always checks in with me too to make sure that I'm not thinking too much about the what ifs and if I am he always lets me talk through my feelings without even an ounce of judgment. It's thanks to him that I feel so ok being at all these matches with him it's all his encouragement and patience that has helped me stop hearing that sound every time someone strikes a ball. 

For a while Jannik has been trying to encourage me to play again even if it's just hit a ball a couple times with him with no pressure. He even got me into therapy so I can talk through my feelings about my injury with a professional. The therapy has really helped me and made me realise that the reason I don't want to step foot on a tennis court is because I'm scared of losing my freedom again. When I got injured I couldn't do anything I loved even just walks on the beach and I never want to experience that again. With Jannik's encouragement and the therapists help I've been feeling a lot better about picking up a racket again but I'm waiting for the moment where it just feels right. 

~~~~~~~~~~

After a bit of a break Jannik is back to training but because it's a Saturday I'm able to go with him. I've watched him practice many times but today I was extra focused watching his movements across the court and the way he struck the ball. He really is mesmerising to watch everything he does he makes it look so effortless which is what people used to say to me when I played and I have to say it's definitely fun to watch. He didn't train too hard for his first session back his coach just had him doing some basic stuff and getting moving again so by the time he was done he was tired but not exhausted like he usually is. 

For some reason as I climbed down from the stands I felt the urge to pick up one of Jannik's rackets he had leaning against the bottom of the stands. It's not an urge I've ever had before so I just did it and then I found a stray ball and started to bounce it with the racket. It wasn't much but it really did make me feel alive again I haven't held a racket since that day and I forgot the feeling I used to get every time I stepped foot onto a court even just for a practice session. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Jannik watching me completely still like if he moved it would scare me and I'd stop. 

"I didn't think it would feel this good just to bounce a ball again" I said making my way towards him 

"Do you want to try some hitting practice with me I won't hit hard or make you run we can just hit it back and forth" Jannik suggested 

"You know what yeah I do" I said surprising myself 

He gave me a better racket and grabbed a few more balls and handed them to me so I could serve. It's been a long time since I served a ball so my first try was all over the place especially with Jannik's racket but on my second try I did it perfectly. True to his word Jannik didn't test me too much he had me moving a bit but he always made sure I had time to get to the ball and he didn't hit too hard. The longer we went on the braver I got so I started really making Jannik work for it which he also seemed to enjoy. As he could see it was getting more comfortable he made things a bit harder for me but I coped with it. 

We spent nearly an hour just having fun. Our rallies were long but they always ended when I wasn't quite brave enough to run for a ball. On our last rally I finally beat Jannik which is why he finally called it so I could end on a high. It was a small gesture but it meant a lot to me that he was willing to just take the loss to make me happy. The smile on his face also made my heart feel full because I could tell he was proud of me and that's always a great feeling. 

"How do you feel?" Jannik asked 

"Like I'm in heaven that was so much fun I didn't realise how much I missed it" I said excitedly 

"I'm so proud of you you know I know it's taken a lot for you to get this far and you did great you really made me work for some of those" he said 

"Can we do this again some time?" I asked 

"Of course we can whenever you want to play tell me and we'll play" he said 

"Maybe after some more practice I can start to play just for fun again" I said