How I Woke Up In My Coffin (+ You Might Too!)
A lot of psychic vampires go through what they call an "awakening", a term which was common among old otherkin and "real vampire" communities.
Awakenings often coincide with puberty, but might come earlier or later - Awakening is an extremely individualized thing, like most aspects of the vampyre's experience. It's not really something you can choose, though I have some thoughts on that concept we will talk about much later on. There's always exceptions.
It's easiest if I share my personal experience with awakening, so I will. Now I have bonafide, diagnosed amnesia. Cortisol is a hell of a drug. Subsequently, I have had to go through multiple awakenings in my life. My most recent one began a few years ago, having really doubled down within the last six months.
Going through the process multiple times did not make it any easier, in fact I would argue each time it was even more taxing on me than before. Don't be like me, try to remember this the first time around :P /lh
My first awakening was when I was just entering puberty, at around 11 or 12 years old. To be blunt, I felt like a vampire. Not in a sense of kindred or "vibing with" them, and not in the sense of wanting to roleplay as a vampireโฆ I was in a strictly Christian household with a lot of darker subject matter utterly forbidden to me, yet I had always been drawn to it, and more.
I found myself with intense cravings for something which I initially identified as blood. I became sensitive to sunlight, the feelings of those around me, heartbeats and pulses, the taste of iron in food. I felt very empty within, and physically weak. I became sick quite often.
I sought answers for myself as soon as I obtained unrestricted internet access. My (boomer) parents had no idea that you could browse the internet through a DSi, and googling "real vampires" brought me to forums, blogs, and journals full of information. I learned then that I was a vampire, and in order to stop feeling this way I needed to feed, or I may die.
This all followed a traumatic and sudden loss of a close family member โ stressful moments or periods of life can also cause an awakening to begin.
Subsequent awakenings are blurry but for the last two, which immediately followed personal traumas. I became violently ill and could no longer keep physical food down, even if it was liquid-based. I trembled constantly, and could not sleep.
The feelings and moods of those around me became a tap I could not shut off or dam up, and I became more susceptible to attack (or harassment, which is still not what you want.) which was the most unbearable part, because I felt so isolated. I questioned my sanity, and went through extensive medical screening, but there wasn't anything causing this.
I know now that it was because I was re-awakening, fitful dreamer that I am.
Now, as someone fully awakened (perhaps several times more over than the average vampire) I can better explain how it "feels" to be one of us. For further context, while I am technically sanguinarian I can subsist off of energy just fine. I have my hypothesis on this, but that's for another time~ :)
I feel a near-constant gnawing hunger within me.
It is not a physical hunger, and it is more bone-deep than "yearning" can sufficiently describe. It is not a mere want but a need. Through the likes of shadow work I know myself better than ever, and know that if this need is not consciously met I will begin to subconsciously seek it by whatever means I can get, which is not always healthy.
If I'm spending time around people I may not otherwise but who are high-energy, it is because I'm hungry and they are a good source of energy for me. If I'm engaging in promiscuous behavior, I probably need to feed. My hunger steers me because my energy body is starving.
To avoid this as best I can, I treat my need of energy like any other bodily need. If I've eaten, drank water, showered, tidied my space, slept, and otherwise gone down my list of needs but still feel off, it is likely that I need to feed.
Many of us are "sensitive" in other ways. There's a large overlap between psychic vampirism (and other types of vampirism) and nonhumanity as well, which is another thing I have some interesting hypotheses on haha. We tend to be deeply empathic and/or sensitive, and have innate psychic ability such as sensitivity to energies or the ability to see auras. There are always exceptions, these are not rules.
Awakening isn't really "fun", and it's not easy. It is the baby bird having to learn to fly. Stretching your wings like that and letting them carry you for the first time isn't comfortable, but it's your right. Once you learn, you will soar.
Melah's Psychic Vampirism Masterpost
