Letters to Rob

Yesterday I filled a wheelbarrow with fluorescent tubes and gasoline and pushed it onto the freeway. I didn’t win the free dishwasher, but boy were they surprised!

Sincerely,

Last night I went mini-golfing with some of the seniors from work. It was a blast! Mr Peterson fell in a hole though, and the fire department had to pull him out. Also they forgot to give me a ball so I just pretended the whole time, but I think it's even more fun when you use your imagination.

Sincerely,

Today a man on the street offered me a baseball cap full of cream cheese. I told him no thank you but he just grinned and slapped it on my head. It actually felt pretty nice!

Sincerely,

Sorry I haven’t been writing to you lately. I’ve been busy with my new job! I got a job as a birdfeeder at a local retirement community. Each morning I slather myself in peanut butter, roll around in a pile of birdseed, and then let the little feathered friends have at it. It’s really fascinating to watch peoples' reactions, too; you’d think they’d never seen a rosefinch before!

Sincerely,

Have you ever had a green pimple? Is that normal?

Sincerely,

Which do you prefer, Pop-Tarts or Toaster Strudels? I'll tell you a secret: I buy both and then put the icing on the Pop-Tarts instead. I like to draw elephants! Do you think Pilsbury could sue me?

Sincerely,

This morning when I woke up, I found that my left leg had been transformed into a large Slap-Chop. My bed is in tatters from trying to stand up, and there are now large chunks of carpet missing all over the apartment. I called for an ambulance, but when they arrived the EMTs told me to call Slap-Chop's customer service. I'm on hold.

Sincerely,

I was flipping through some photos I got developed the other day, and there are a bunch of photos mixed in that I didn't take! They're all close-ups of peoples' noses. Unfortunately, I don't think any of the noses are yours. Who do you think took them?

Sincerely,

I just noticed today that I've yet to buy furniture for my new apartment! I checked craigslist and found some neat free stuff, but all the pieces have "assorted stains." What should I do?

Sincerely,

Do you like origami? What's your favorite shape to make? If you give me your address I'll mail you an origami walrus.

Sincerely,

Would you rather be the captain of a ship, or the leader of a mountain expedition? I'd love to befriend a goat, but I suppose a whale would make a good companion as well. 

Sincerely,

The other day my email got hacked, and I sent my entire extended family about a dozen emails regarding penis enlargement medication (Uncle Harold took the whole snafu rather personally, but that's another story). Can you recommend a good hack-proof password? I won't mind you knowing it, I trust you.

Sincerely,

Can you tie any interesting knots? I’d bet my next box of animal crackers on you being a catshank man, but I could also see you appreciating a good Yosemite bowline.

I've decided it's probably best that I find a new calling in life. Right now I'm thinking Marble Shiner. Got any marbles in need of a shine?

Sincerely,