can & won't

 My maturity level has dramatically risen, which is nice to have a visual gauge of. Just kinda wild because I know I will continue to grow every year. I am realizing now that a lot of weird complexes I have had over the years are going away (i.e. having a problem with other peoples problems (finally)) and I keep having moments of telling myself “You’re worse than you used to be. What happened to you, you used to be so accepting, so good, so uninhibited” and the fact is that that’s not true. All the things I’m coming to terms with now are things I ignored to make myself seem like I didn’t have a lot of weird issues, or things that I was just unaware that I was doing. I still have so much to work out. And I do have more, for lack of a better term, baggage to carry with me that isn’t the fault of anyone including myself, it’s just how having life experiences go. I’m proud of the person I am, and excited to become the person I want to be. It’s ridiculous I would ever beat myself up for any of the things that happened prior to this year (2016) because it’s just a completely different world than I live in now. And as for the people that I surround myself with, I need to stop beating myself up so much about that too. The decisions I make to be around or not be around certain people are valid and Emma was right last night when she said “it’s okay not to want to be with someone”. In the past few weeks I learned an incredibly valuable lesson about the difference between “strong morals” and “inflexible asshole” and mostly i realized it was an acceptance thing. I think a lot of hate comes from feeling outcasted. Or ignorance. I’m not sure where I stand any more, but I think that’s better than being close-minded. I’m not really sure how I lucked out so much getting certain people in my life, but I know that its a blessing and not a curse than I can more easily distinguish people I don’t want to be around because if i’ve learned anything it’s that waiting for quality pays off in unimaginable ways. My whole experience the past four years has honestly felt like a dumb YA novel but like who would’ve thought I could be so so lucky and feel so lucky despite all the weird and difficult shit going on? insane. I just want to keep getting stronger and better and more genuine. I want to get called out. I want to get pushed. I want to be upset, but I also want to be happy. I want to be important. I want to be loved and more than anything I want to give love. Here’s to passing time.