emma

when i cry, i’m so unbelievably sad in that moment. it feels like nothing is ever going to get better at all and this is what the rest of forever isgoing to look like — unfixable. and then the moment ends, and i’m not even sad at all. it’s just kind of numb.

and the reason i’m even saying any of this here at all is because thinking of haikyuu doesn’t make my heart swell up much at all these days. i know for a fact that it’s because i’m so busy and i don’t have the time and emotional capacity to get back into any media seriously again, but then i’m starting university in 3 months and i will be living on campus and i don’t think i will ever be able to find the space for it for the rest of my life.

and then time rewinds to 2023, end of exams. i have do not disturb on all day. my phone is barely touched. my eyes stay fixated on the tv screen where haikyuu is playing. i don’t even go online to post about it. i just cry and bury myself in all my emotions and i allow the hyperfixation to hit me in full force and i’m alive and there’s meaning to everything because haikyuu has taken over every part of me.

i’m scared to post on instagram because i’m not really who i was 3 years ago. i’m no longer as in touch with my emotions or myself and that results in my lack of …. for haikyuu (against my own will) or anything, really. this is probably what lorde was talking about, when she said that adolescents have something that adults forget. it might seem silly to say this at 19, but i genuinely feel likei am losing touch of so many things and there are so many things happening in my life that are pushing me further away from the past.

and then 6 months later, and i’m back here. again. writing about haikyuu. but i’m writing more about haikyuu itself than the contents, because i’m no longer as acquainted with this beautiful media as i used to be and i know more things about algorithms than i do haikyuu characters and it makes me feel awful but i don’t really feel like rereading it just yet. i want to wait a bit, till i’m truly a bit more settled down, a bit less things happening in life, until i have enough time. to sit down and open up my physical haikyuu manga copies i cherish with everything i have, and then read and dissect and probably overanalyse all the scenes. disconnected from the internet and the world.

of course, i’ve thought about haikyuu the past few months. i’ve thought about oikawa tooru and maybe what his life looks like after retirement, whether he’s become a wanderer learning how to rest or something beyond my imagination. i’ve thought about this one friend i made through haikyuu and how we eagerly discussed haikyuu last year, and how we don’t really talk anymore, but i feel like i know her so well that i can imagine exactly what she must be doing in her life right now; maybe it’s one-sided, maybe it’s not. but haikyuu changed both our lives and then connected us so deeply i still feel it in my bones. i also thought about what it means to like a media, and how i feel that social media strips me of my genuine love and makes me want to post haikyuu only because i am known for posting haikyuu, but that is something i still leave unresolved.

next year, i’m turning 19. it’s kind of crazy. i’m almost done with my university applications, i’m soon to learn how to drive, i’m literally almost going to college. and there’s still the after.

i’m not really ready for anything. growing up, i can distinctly feel myself becoming number and number to my emotions and it’s both constricting and freeing at once.

“I think everybody in the crowd was shocked. But we weren’t.” Ok Ok Bro Do I look like I Care

What will i ever do with you oikawa tooru. Do you know how many people you’ve inspired. Do you know how many people have written about you in such personal and intimate ways. You are forever my enigma

kageyama and hinata’s non codependent relationship will always get to me, some way or another. it’s the fact that they grow most apart even though they’re truly the same when it comes down to just volleyball. my favourite metaphor for them will always be saying they’re the same side of different coins because they truly are

i think reading this fic made me realise the root of why i love oikage platonically so much. they’re mirrored parallels and always trying to catch up to one another, but kageyama’s always been looking at oikawa.