Loveybug Zine

Cat Walker’s feet pounded the tin roof tiles, each step echoing through his bones. He felt too antsy, epaulets too heavy on his shoulders. The suit feeling stiff on him wasn’t an unfamiliar sensation, but today, more than ever, it felt unbearable.

It was a constant ache, like a crick in his neck he had no way of relieving. He wasn’t a stranger to putting on an act, but he had grown accustomed to having an outlet in Chat Noir. He rolled his shoulders, as if that would relieve some of the pressure weighing on them. It wasn’t going to be enough; it was never enough.

He had tried it before, returning to his persona of Chat Noir, but it was difficult. Responsibility hung over his head like an anvil, heavy and imposing. Until Ladybug returned, he didn’t know if he would be able to go back. At least not by choice.

His pace sped up as the thoughts swirled through his head. He didn’t know if he was stuck, or in a rut, or what, but it was almost suffocating. He squeezed his eyes shut, letting his familiarity with the rooftops guide him, breathing in as deep as he could as he ran.

It felt good, his blood pumping with adrenaline through his veins, and—almost involuntarily—he let out a barking laugh. His hand ran through his hair, forgetting the careful style and undoing the tie by mistake. Green strands fluttered into his face, but it felt like relief—the thread had come just a little undone.

Maybe if he hadn’t let himself get so wound up, he wouldn’t have needed to run so hard. And maybe if he wasn’t running so hard—feet and heart thundering, breath heavy in his ears—he would have noticed that he wasn’t as alone as he thought he was. Maybe he would have avoided the situation altogether.

“Minou minou minou!”

The excited voice alerted him approximately ten seconds before he was suddenly pushed to the ground.

He landed on his shoulder, grunting as he rolled with the impact. His arms automatically wrapped around the presence he found tangled with his own, shielding them from the rough concrete. Once they came to a stop, his back flat against the roof, he looked down the length of his body at the familiar intruder curled around his torso.

Loveybug had her eyes closed, face buried in his chest as she giggled and cooed. “You’re back, I can’t believe it.” He swallowed as her face nuzzled into him. “I missed you so, so, so much, mon chaton.”

That nickname—his nickname—in her breathy voice sent an unexpectedly warm tingle down his spine. Cat Walker shifted uncomfortably on the roof tiles, unable to do much more with Loveybug’s weight pinning him down. He cleared his throat, feeling like he needed to say something in response.

“I–” Words somehow became nothing but glorified choking hazards with her so close, clogging his airways and stopping anything from escaping. He sucked in a measured breath to clear it. “I missed you, too…?” The words trailed off in hesitance. “I didn’t… think it was that long since we last saw each other, though.”

Loveybug stiffened, her arms going rigid where they were wrapped around his middle. Slowly, she dragged her eyes up, studying first the golden embellishments across his chest, then his neck and, finally, his face.

“You’re green,” she stated. In the next instant, she recoiled backwards almost as if she had been burned, putting more distance between them than she had for their entire partnership. She sat on her heels, blinking wide blue eyes at him, mouth dropped open in a gasp. “My… My prince…”

Cat Walker pushed himself up on his elbows to sit. Self-consciously, his hand delved into the loose strands still spread over his shoulder. “I am…” Your prince? Green? He wasn’t totally sure which part he was agreeing to. The back of his neck felt somewhat warm. He began gathering the loose hair up in a new ponytail in an attempt to cool down.

“You’re not— You’re… I—” Loveybug flushed red, blushing in a way that he had never thought possible for her. She began wringing her hands, looking away as her mouth poured out apologies. “I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed. I– I thought he’d really come back and I’m–” She stuttered, biting her lip.

“Embarrassed?” he questioned. “But there’s nothing to be embarrassed–”

A choked sob interrupted him. Horrified, he watched as tears slid slowly over her pink mask. Frantically, her pink-tipped fingers tried to brush them away, but if her goal was to hide it, she was far too late.

Loveybug was crying.

Cheerful, positive Loveybug.

A pit formed deep in his stomach at the sight, something like guilt twisting its unpleasant tendrils through his core. He certainly couldn’t have predicted that his little romp would rattle her like this, but that nagging voice in the back of his head seemed to think he had had every intention of doing so.

Way to go, genius, it taunted.

“Lovey–” Cautiously, Cat Walker reached out a hand towards her shoulder, wanting to try to bring some comfort to her. He flinched when she staggered backwards.

Loveybug had never avoided physical contact before. Not from Cat Walker, anyway.

Her eyes were watery and confused as she stared back at him, almost as if she herself didn’t know what was going on. Everything he had come to know about her was unraveling and fracturing. A wrench in the machine.

Adrien had once gone on a hike in the French Alps with his mother and Nathalie—before the illness had riddled Maman bedridden. He had marveled at the way Nathalie had used nothing but a compass and a map to chart their course as they went, carefully noting landmarks and any elevation. He had watched with curious eyes, hanging onto every word as she’d explained how she did it.

Watching Loveybug fall apart felt like trekking over that terrain with a broken compass.

Everything was uncharted territory. Cat Walker hoped he could figure out how to cover it.

He swallowed thickly. He had to try again. If there was one thing he knew, an off-kilter ladybug holder wasn’t good for anyone. He crossed his legs and straightened his spine, doing his best to reclaim his usual prim-and-proper dignity.

“Loveybug,” he probed softly. “Are you alright?”

She blinked up at him, blue eyes shot red and wet eyelashes glittering as they caught the city lights. Her mouth was set in a frown, looking almost unnatural on her typically bright and perky features. Her shoulders rose and fell in a deep breath as she sighed out, “Not really.”

Cat Walker smiled gently. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

He huffed out half of a laugh, the idea of Loveybug having nothing to say striking him as funny, but then thought better of it. He didn’t want her to think he was making fun of her. As the silence stretched between them, he pulled his legs to his chest, closing in on himself. All the bravado and energy that he had welcomed earlier melted away, leaving only small, meek Adrien behind.

He could still hear Loveybug crying—her shuddery breaths and barely suppressed sobs. There was no way to politely ignore it. No, he needed to figure out how to stop it, if only because the thought of her cheerlessness made his stomach drop deep in his gut.

There had always been an easy positivity to her. She was bubbly and energetic and fun—she reminded him of Marinette, and the adorable way she would get excited, jumping from idea to idea, yet still managing to figure everything out. She wasn’t as serious as Ladybug, but she got the job done just as well, albeit in a bit more roundabout way if that was even possible. It felt wrong to see her break down, and he wasn’t sure if he was the one who could build her back up.

He wished Marinette were here. Surely she’d know what to do.

“I’m sorry,” Cat Walker said quietly, the urge to soothe the burn too strong to ignore.

Loveybug shuddered, peeling her hands far enough away from her face to look him in the eyes. Glistening and azure, tears still pooling in the corners, they shone under the light of the moon. “Wh—what?”

He raised the ends of his lips in a sympathetic smile. “I said, ‘I’m sorry.’” He kept his voice even. “I’m sorry I’m not him.”

“That– what…” Loveybug stuttered, blinking back the unshed tears as she shook her head. “Don’t apologize for that.”

Cat Walker shrugged. “But I am sorry,” he said. “I’m not Chat Noir and I’m sorry.”

“The only one who can apologize for that is Chat Noir,” Loveybug replied. Then, quietly, almost to herself, “Or Ladybug…”

Cat Walker wasn’t wholly sure what she meant by that under-the-breath statement, but he ignored it. “I could have refused Plagg,” he said, the little white lie stinging his tongue. Guilt pressed him forward, though he looked down. “I’m not really cut out to be a hero.”

“What?”

Her gasp was loud, drawing his eyes back to her. Loveybug was staring at him, blue eyes wide and confused, her mouth twisted in a frown that didn’t look right on her face.

“But,” she continued, “you’re… you’re perfect…”

His heart fluttered at the earnest sincerity of her words, a weak laugh bubbling from his chest in response. “No, I’m not,” he said, giving a shake of his head. “Far from it.”

“But…” Loveybug’s eyes flickered across his, searching his gaze in a way that made a cold chill run down his spine. He almost flinched when she grabbed his arm. “How can you say that?” she asked. “You’re always supporting me… and you’re so good with kids and helping civilians… You’re—” She paused, her teeth digging into her bottom lip. She let go. “You’re good,” she said finally, rubbing the back of her hand across her eyes. “Really good.”

Cat Walker let another weak smile pull across his lips as he shrugged. “I’m afraid of messing it up,” he admitted, perhaps a bit too honestly.

Any other day, he would have expected Loveybug to boldly flirt at him, tell him he could do no wrong in that usual Loveybug way.

What he didn’t expect was for her voice to go so small, almost curling in at the same angle as her neck as she looked away. “So am I,” she confessed. “I already messed up catastrophically.”

Cat Walker blinked, a bit confused. He would be the first to admit that Loveybug didn’t quite have… everything… Ladybug did, but her words now seemed too far. Catastrophically? The few minor slip-ups they’d had as they found their bearings together were far from it.

Loveybug continued without his input. “I know you probably think I’m the worst,” she sighed. “Chat Noir, too.”

It was his turn to gasp. “What? I don’t think that at all,” he assured her. “And—for that matter—there’s no way Chat Noir thinks badly of you.”

“Then why’d he turn tail, huh?”

There was a note to her tone he couldn’t quite understand. It wasn’t bitter, like he would expect from a typical fangirl. It was colored with genuine hurt, no matter how flippant she seemed to want to make it sound. For all her fawning and adoring over Cat Walker, he never once considered that she would feel anything more than neutral towards Chat Noir’s exit.

Loveybug was looking at him now, blue eyes steely.

At least she wasn’t crying anymore.

Cat Walker approached his response carefully. “He didn’t leave because of you,” he said. It wasn’t a lie. Not really. Chat Noir had never left.

Loveybug searched his gaze, probably wanting to inquire how he could possibly know that. Instead of asking, her shoulders dropped, exhaustion obvious in her posture. She flopped backwards, arms spread by her sides. After a moment, Cat Walker joined her, staring up at the starless sky.

“I miss him a lot.”

He turned his head to look at her, though she was still staring skyward. “You do?”

A sad smile pulled at her lips. “He was always there for me, you know,” she said, quietly, and no, he hadn’t known. Before he could parse out a question, she continued, “Always so positive and encouraging when I needed it. Whenever it looked like it was the end, he just—” She cut herself off with a sigh. “He always knew just what to say to bring me back.”

A stubborn lump formed in his throat, thick and suffocating. “Chat Noir?” was all he could force out.

Loveybug hummed in confirmation. “It figures that as soon as I figure things out, I scare him away,” she said bitterly. “I just… I didn’t know what to do with my feelings and I guess it backfired on me.”

“‘Backfired’?”

She finally turned to look at him, and when she spoke, the sarcastic lilt of her tone was one he actually recognized. “Yeah, in a big, pink explosion.”

Adrien had had a lot of practice keeping his face impassive, and he was getting a lot of use out of that skill this evening. He watched her with a considering stare, noting the wrinkle in her nose and the sparkle of her eyes. A glamour was falling away like a comet shower.

She was looking at him expectantly, though the response she was looking for evaded him. He could only find it in him to reach out and squeeze her hand.

The pressure when she squeezed back was just as he remembered it.

Loveybug let go almost too soon, sitting up as she did. “Well, that’s probably enough honesty for today,” she laughed, sheepishly. “Sorry for crashing tonight.” She winced. “And for crashing into you.”

Cat Walker shook his head, feeling cotton fill the place where his brain used to be. “Don’t worry about it.” He watched from his place on the rooftop as she stood up, brushing her pink suit clean of invisible dust.

She turned to him with a final smile, dark hair fluttering in the breeze. “See you later!” she called, before tossing her yo-yo with a well-practiced aim.