Love Waves ā EP 7 ā WTF ARE WE DOING?
Click here to read Love Waves - Introduction
āWTF ARE WE DOING? āE xx.ā
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/4WpepDQVwmxbMSLi2JGuSJ
Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/love-waves-ep-7-wtf-are-we-doing/idpl.u-4JombJltjBX3Rv
YouTube:Ā https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwEZgDEorNRQRokZrxPmUwyPZTIzslqpd
1. Lauren Sanderson ā Conversations (feat. DYSN)
2. THEY. ā Truth Be Told
3. Post Malone ā I Fall Apart
4. Snow Tha Product ā Waste of Time
5. Drake ā Furthest Thing
6. Marty Grimes ā Fuxk Around
7. The Neighbourhood - #Icanteven (feat. French Montana)
8. Blaise Moore ā HANDS
9. G-Eazy ā Shoot Me Down (feat. Anthony Stewart)
10. Tory Lanez ā Friends With Benefits
11. Childish Gambino ā Heartbeat
14. Marko Penn ā Same Ones
15. Dylan Matthew ā Sober
16. Cam Meekins ā Heart
17.Cardi B ā I Gotta Hurt You
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1. the activities in which a particular person engages.
This is probably the most aggressive playlist Iāve made for this series so far. To be very honest I am struggling with how to write this description accurately. Bare with me while I get to the end zone, and I apologize in advance if it gets long. Just know it comes from my heart.
I used to be the type of person who had issues controlling my words in heated moments. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt someone I loved because of something I said. Words can hurt. Words canāt be taken back. Due to my growing awareness of that flaw, I really started to work on staying silent and thinking very hard about what to say and how to react in situations that are high stress and potential breaking points in any form of relationship. Since Iām human, itās still a work in progress at times.
One of the most disgusting things I learned throughout this process of trying to fix myself is that even when I do not release those bitter statements into the world, they still exist in my head. Itās very frustrating for me. If you truly know me, then you know at the heart of everything I want nothing but the best for everyone I love and even people who have hurt me.
It can start to become very draining to think about all the awful things youād wish would happen to someone because youāre angry at them or because of something they did or how they treated you. That way of thinking is repulsive. Itās not a quality I want in someone else or myself. Iāve learned it is much less stressful to say and genuinely feel that you want the best for that person instead. Thatās it, the best. The best of whatever they feel is most fulfilling in their life whether it involves me or not. You canāt choose what happens to you, but you can choose how to react.
The act of letting anger, jealously, and hurt go can be difficult. I still struggle with this. While the journey can be an uphill struggle, getting to the other side is very refreshing. Itās very freeing. For every uphill there is a downhill. Never forget that.
So, the initial concept of this playlist came from an internal confusion Iāve dealt with for what seems like foreverāthe ups and downs of having someone you care about so deeply and not being able to let them go. It feels sort of like dancing around with them on all of these uphills and downhills. Complexities and confusion is hard for me to deal with. At the same time, Iāve learned my head definitely has the ability to go wayyyy above and beyond thinking and trying to navigate a situation that is not clean cut.
Grey areas drive me nuts because Iām the type of person who wants things to be crystal clear. I want to know what is going on and why. Iām usually an all or nothing type of gal. Having to hold back or put boundaries on any form of relationship feels very unnatural to me. It makes me uncomfortable being told how and when to act.
If I can move my schedule around or make time for you I will without you asking. That goes for friends, family, anything. I prioritize the connections I have. I canāt explain why Iām like this, but I just am. If I care about something or someone I will always fight like hell to make time and give my absolute best effort possible. There are no excuses for not fighting to keep your greatest priorities fulfilled and in the best shape possible.
That being said, I struggle with the differences in priorities I have when another person doesnāt seem to match my efforts. It can kind of feel like a slow death. It can feel like your soul is exporting itself in effort towards another, and when very little is being returned or evenly matched, it can leave you feeling drained.
Another thing I can sometimes struggle with is accepting the difference in opinion or view otherās have towards me, or something I feel very passionately about. Iām stubborn, and I always have been. I get that from my father haha. But at the same time I think I do a decent job of not letting my pride get in the way when I realize I am wrong.
Conflict and disagreements no matter can big or small can be frustrating, but without differing opinions weād all be the same and letās be real, that would be hella lame. I think what Iāve learned most from being in situations where there is a disagreement in views is it allows for a perspective other than your own to be heard. It can create a dialogue. Over the past year, more than ever, I have learned I would much rather us have a disagreement and a conversation because of that, than to just give up and leave. I suppose that whole fighting aspect of me morphed more into genuinely fighting to keep growing connections with people I value so highly.
Itās also weird because over the past few months Iāve learned I donāt want to change anyone. I donāt want to control anyone or their behaviors I find less desirable. Iāve learned you have to sometimes accept what you do not understand or agree with. However, thereās a beauty in that act of acceptance. I think thatās how you know your intentions and love is pureāaccepting their existence for everything they are in the present. I just want you to be the best version of yourself, and my opinion on what that version is or desired to be is absolutely irrelevant. The only person who can be the judge of what is best for you, is you. I can only be there by your side through everything in support. Thatās all I have the power to do or even want to doāsupport you on your journey. Of course there are aspects that would be a welcomed change, but at the end of the day I only want someone to change if they want to. My views are invalid.
This playlist is meant to display confusion. If you listen to the stories within the songs itās all very chaotic. It plays with the idea of letting go, coming back, being selfish, being selfless, wanting, lusting, loving, hating, and being annoyedāall of it. At the core I think it displays how uncomfortable I can get when a situation arises and plays with my insecurities in any form of relationship. Itās sad, but when I feel threatened I feel the need to protect myself by lashing out. I want to be cold. I want to be like, āFine, fuck you.ā BUT I am still trying sooo harddd to fight nawwwttt to beeee soooo bitter and petty. Nobody wants to love something that is so negative. Itās gross. Like, itās literally my least favorite quality that I am seriously trying to fix. *insert sos emoji*
To overcome that feeling of being insecure, uncomfortable, confused, bitter, and even sometimes upset things arenāt going the way you hoped they would, I think itās easiest to actively calm yourself down and focus on the very moment you are in with yourself or with a person who has the potential to evoke those emotions. Donāt think about the potential of what they could be because you might be creating expectations that may never be met and that could upset you. Donāt think about what they were in the past because you arenāt there anymore. Focus on the present moment you are in with them. Fight like hell to be at peace with them and yourself as you exist in the same moment together. I think when you reach that point life gets way better. It feels like you kind of made it. It feels like that downhill is about to be sccchhhwweeeettt.
To briefly discuss the root of the inspiration behind this wavy playlist I had a friend recently say, āYou guys are on and off more than a light switch.ā They said this after the playlist and concept were created, but I think it still fits. That statement at face value is funny to me. Itās also accurate. Upon further reflection though (since Iām like, the best at thinking too much) I think itās important to remember that even when a light is switched off, the wiring doesnāt go away. That spark can always return. It just takes one action. Thatās it. A moment of courage or effort can have the potential to light up your entire world and change everything you know. Itās also important to remember that without darkness you may never appreciate the light you are given no matter how long it lasts. A deep connection is rare. I wouldnāt trade mine for anything.
The playlist opens up with Lauren singing about wanting to be with someone who makes her grow upward, but the person there right now isnāt pushing to be better or make her better. The lyrics in the second verse show how Lauren is evolving positively and the girl sheās referring to isnāt progressing.
Truth Be Told not only has a great sound, but the story is fairly universal as well. The opening line is, āSay somethinā / Know that thereās two sides to every story.ā Literally, please just say something. Verse two talks about why they broke up.
Click here to read to lyrics for Truth Be Told by THEY.
So, I actually listened to Stoney the night it was released last year. I was mainly obsessed with No Option, Feel, Patient, Leave, Feeling Whitney, Hit This Hard and Congratulations. It wasnāt until recently I saw a short video of Post Malone singing I Fall Apart live on Twitter and I was like, āBruh, I felt the words you just sang in my soul.ā The emotion he conveyed was powerful. Since then, Iāve been listening to the song probably too much. The lyrics āI fall apart down to my core,ā leave me shooketh.Ā
Snow nails how I feel sometimes when my anger and frustration gets the best of me. āGetting attached / Iām gonna go / Iāll be alright / Iām better alone..Youāre a fucking waste of time.ā Her flow is ridiculous. This song is so smooth whether youāre dealing with anything or not.
Furthest Thing by Drake was a song I played heavily during the spring of 2017. I would list my favorite lyrics from this song, but it would be damn near the whole thing. Most importantly though is the lyric, āThe furthest thing from perfect like everyone I know.ā
Click here to read the lyrics for Furthest Thing by Drake
I used to think there was a certain point at which I would give up on Him. Hell, Fuxk Around is even by one of his favorite artists, Marty Grimes. So many people have told to move on. Forget about it. Heās dead weight. Heās a mess. Heās a fuckboy. The list goes on. To some degree I have moved on. I donāt hang onto every word or silence between us like I used to. I donāt feel angry anymore. I just feel this weird calm right now. I think thatās good though. I mean, it sure beats crying myself to sleep or craving his attention, like I once did. I swear I used to see the type of car he once had like evvv-eryyy-wherrre and the reminder of him would just unleash this weird wave of heat over my entire body, until I got distracted enough, and then it would leave. Whatās even more weird is that I wish I could actually put words to why I would feel that way so I couldāve controlled it better. Either way, time and space have a way of bringing people together or keeping them apart. I guess for us, for now, Iām just lucky we manage to always find our way back eventually. It kind of feels like nothing could actually break that connection past repair because weāre too honest with each other.
#Icanteven is just a littttt ass song by one of my favorite bands who manages to mix genres ridiculously well.
Friends With Benefits by Tory Lanez is definitely a song that makes me just want to dance. Everything about the song makes me feel dangerous. And yeah, I know that sounds crazy.
Heartbeat by Childish Gambino is a song Iāve been playing A LOT. One of my friends made this sick playlist for me and this song was in there. The entire narrative is wild and the music production is even wilder. Itās all sooo great.
āHold up they donāt love you like I love you..What a wicked way to treat the girl who loves you.ā Ya know, itās crazy because I think a lot of the upset I used to feel from people I had feelings for was derived from me giving so much and just expecting my efforts would be matched by them. I learned that is definitely not the way to be. You either stick around because you care enough about them or you leave. What they do or donāt do hopefully shouldnāt drive you away unless you let it.
SZA is literally my queen right now. Her album Ctrl changed my life when it came out in June. The entire album speaks to me. Prom was the first song off the album I really felt a connection to. The beat reminds me of a heartbeat. I can relate to the lyrics, āFearinā not growinā up / Keepinā me up at night / Am I doinā enough? / Feel like Iām wastinā time,ā because sometimes I do feel like Iām not where I should be or Iām not doing enough to get to where I feel I belong. In my head I hear not only myself, but another perspective from someone else saying, āPromise to get a little / Better as I get older / And youāre so patient / And sick of waitinā / Promise to do better / Shoulda coulda / Prolly wanna let me go / But you canāt, oh.ā That same perspective of someone not being on my same level also bleeds into the lyrics, āPlease donāt take it, donāt take it personal / Like I know you usually do.ā I accidentally take, like everything wayyy too personal sometimes. Itās dumb, and Iām working on it. I donāt mean to be something that frustrates you, and I know you donāt mean to frustrate me. It just happens.
Click here to read the lyrics from Prom by SZA
Same Ones by Marko Penn is this dope song that expresses a few different phases Iāve had in my life, but at the core I stay with the same ones who have always been there for me.
In the past Iāve had to deal with being with someone who was going through some issues, and they dealt with those feelings with substances. It kills me inside when other people choose an object or substance over me. You only want me when itās convenient for you but your actions are having negative effects on you and me. It makes me feel like Iām not good enough, and it hurts to see you medicate yourself so much. The song Sober by Dylan Matthew is well produced and I enjoy the story he tells.
I see myself a lot in Heart by Cam Meekins. I relate to the female heās singing about and I also relate to Camās perspective too. āCoffee colored eyes / Sick of writing love songs.ā Sometimes I feel so intoxicated by his brown eyes, and sometimes it annoys me that he inspires some of my best work. ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ It makes me feel like a creep. I used to feel like the next lyrics, which is really weird when I actually think about it. āItās like when I am far from you, I want nothing but you / But when I have you here, itās like Iām only thinking āfuck youā / So maybe Iām the problem, I canāt figure it out / Because no matter what I do, the cycle keeps going around.ā I think it has to do with the expectation and fantasy you build that person up to be in your head and then you get disappointed when they donāt live up to the standards you A) didnāt tell them about and B) shouldāve never placed on them in the first place. I swear, I have learned so much about people and myself over these past couple years.
The last song is sooooo fucked up. I Gotta Hurt You by Cardi B is crazy. There used to be a time in my life where if I got hurt or felt attacked by someone I just felt the need to get them back with that same hurt. Not physically, but I do have a mean side I am deffo not proud of. It doesnāt even make sense to hurt something you love, but it happens.
If you stuck with me through all of this mumbo jumbo I wish I could give you a hug. I went IN on this weekās playlist and description. Congratulations, I opened up too much about parts of me I do not like, but Iāve never really been scared to express myself. Learn from my mistakes because I am trying my damndest to do the same. Thereās this episode of Scrubs where Turk keeps telling Carla sheās making mountains out of molehills. I hope when I get out of line those closest to me continue to keep putting me back in my place. It stings, but Iāll love you for it anyway.
p.s. To go back to the title, āWTF ARE WE DOING?ā I have no clue, and I donāt care to try and figure it out right now. Despite everything weāve been through, life is still litt when I get to exist with you. Iāll always want to cheer you on. I wouldnāt trade our seconds for anything hun. xx.
