i wonder that my mind now goes toΒ 'i love you i miss you.'though i cannot pinpoint anything that i truly miss.i do miss laying my head in his lap, and him scratching my scalp. the singular sensation that brings me back to myself time and time again. brings me back to my body.Β I miss how I used to make you laugh. I miss the tenderness in your eyes when you kissed me.Β Thinking about it now makes my stomach drop, makes me feel like I have no stomach. makes me not want to eat.i am frustrated with myself.Β that i cannot give you up. like tequila and cigarettes.Β i adore them so much and yet they are destroyingΒ me.Β i have to let those go...i do not make good choices when you'reΒ around, i make choices that make me less like Alex. less like me. i melt into you and your essence. i do not hold onto who i am or against you.Β i hate myself. i blame myself. i let myself take the fall and blame. i wish that.... i loved myself the way i had before. when i was brilliant and good and bright.why did you do this? why did you engage in this? why did you break me













