WAITING / YEARNING.

—  sentence starters :  a softer world,  ii.    content warnings for suicidal thoughts & death & violence.

life is not always better than the alternative, but saying so is mental illness?

sometimes i want to ruin my whole life so i can start over without feeling guilty.

i would never hurt another human being for free.

can’t stop, won’t stop, not sure how to stop!

i’m not afraid of commitment. i’m afraid of being committed to you when the right thing comes along.

i promise you right now, i will never lie to you. it will be terrible.

be careful what you wish for, stupid.

you and i were meant to be together, even if we weren’t meant to be happy.

that’s the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.

the animals living in the walls of my house have way more sex than i do.

i know i can’t make you love me. but i wish i could make you shut up about not loving me.

i love those quiet moments in the dark where you can stop pretending.

i’m in love with the you i wish you were.

we’ll always have yesterday.

tomorrow isn’t coming.

you and me, baby! we are the future, and the future is bleak.

just smile. just keep smiling a bit longer.

i don’t want a world without pain or loss. i just want them to mean something.

i wish there was a word that meant ‘goodbye’ for someone who was already gone.

nothing can change the way i feel about you. i wish it could.

i can’t remember our first kiss. was this really all it was?

when the world ends the seas will boil, the skies will turn to ash in the lungs of everyone who isn’t safe in your arms.

you have ruined me for romantic comedies.

i do not believe in love at first sight. but god damn. look at you.

of course you can live your whole life without ever being you. but why?

if our love lasts forever it’s gonna get real awkward when one of us dies.

i hope my plane crashes, my train de-rails, or i’m shot in a drive-by. i hope something changes.

the hospital sounds… restful. i could use a rest.

there’s two ways we can do this. the easy way, or i cut you. the easy way is also i cut you.

i shot a man in reno just to watch you smile!

i am going to break your arm so that the bone juts out and then i will stab you to death with your own insides. i will win this chess game, is what i am saying.

i don’t know how to make things right. so i’ll just keep pretending that nothing’s wrong.

when life gives you lemons, take the lemons and be thankful you got anything, and then go home to your empty apartment.

if we couldn’t carry our dead inside us, we would be empty.

sure, confiscate my grappling hook. arrest me if you have to. at least i know i tried.

I'd no idea on what ground I was founded

Well, he knows he’s a shambles: shirt half-done and hair completely loose, glasses discarded as well (it begs a question of how much, and for what, he needs them).

A late-night walk of the halls, perhaps? Or an intentional lack of sleep -- who could say, but he’s certainly not in his room or working.

“Don’t worry, I won’t be in the open long enough to stop you from whatever brand of chaos you’re planning.”

"Here. To go with that cake I'm certain you're planning on knicking from the kitchen."

The tone of voice is surprisingly light and playful, for someone who looks vaguely concerned -- yes, yes, prodding danger with a stick he may be, but he offers a thermos of coffee out nonetheless. He is fearless, seemingly, for someone who exists constantly wary of the world -- constantly haunted by his own ghost. (The oddity of it is that he exists and keeps existing, like some horrible repotted cactus-clipping. How many pick up on it, he wonders? How many can sense that something isn't right?)

It is a foolish way of thinking, but -- something so simple as a Heroic Spirit who seems to drift in a haze hardly scares him any. After all, said specter clad in misfortune is also now known for a bit of a sweet tooth: a fact the life-looped mage finds all-too-endearing (and who is he to stop anything, he's just a staff member).

"Ah, there you go. Are you alright?"

-- considering the other had managed to rather spectacularly fall against his own chest, he would guess the answer to be a firm no, but manners are manners and he's a person caught holding a young man half-up and half-against himself. An awkward angle to land in, for certain.

The nervousness hits him like a dead weight of rosy color, tinting his ears but very little of his face. Too long a grasp, that, too long a grip on someone else.

Mistakes have been made yet again. Hi hello it’s ya boi Matt again and if you like snarky mages who refuse to talk to most of society, exist holed up out of time and space, really like guns, and are arguably part snake(?) vampire, then I’ve got the Fate OC who is extremely up your alley –  Aers-Maurem Alche-Veure Es Florestis, also known as Lord Florestis or simply Eris, a disaster magus in their mid-twenties. They’re extremely lawful chaotic, well-meaning, and entirely too emotional and expressional for a magus, but here they are nonetheless.

Roa is fuckishly good at magecraft. This means: man literally mastered magecraft before the age of 30 despite being entirely self-taught and having less than a decade of experience. Magic circuits that were basically "divinity in a bottle" level. Achieved the Root with no adverse effects (all yikes things came from doing soul math, realizing how much a soul can divide, but forgetting the safety setting for his sanity). [feeble laughter] this much is actually canon and frankly terrifies me!

Even in timelines outside of Tsukihime, "fuckishly good mage" and all its fixings apply. However, depending on what specific branch of the timelines, the number of incarnations varies.

Mikhail Rodion Vadimovich is not the same person as Michael Roa Valdamjong, but at the same time, yes. That's one person. Alternate title, Roa is a living Theseus Paradox. It's bad on a level of "complete lack of former self". He genuinely cannot remember most past incarnations much less who he started as, and as such relies heavily on word of mouth and what people say of him.

Roa has PTSD from a shit ton of things, but the most haunting and constant source of unending trauma has to do with being horrifically aware of every single time he has ever died in any timeline. He may not remember the life, but I can guarantee you he will remember the death.

The timeline where he's best-adjusted and least risk to himself or others is Grand Order timeline, which says a lot considering the disaster that timeline is.

Roa is a dumb smart jock with good morals and poor execution by default, but various incarnations (loss of self, loss of sanity) and different upbringings vastly impact how he acts and how he thinks. He is never the same as he once was and never will be. Roa Lily is not coming back, Roa Lily dropped dead in a field of flowers centuries ago. Every Pet Semataried version that comes after is why we don't curse ourselves to an endless loop.

Well, that's no good.