shadowbanned omfg.
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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ojovivo
occasionally subtle
$LAYYYTER
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almost home

Origami Around
Sade Olutola
todays bird

PR's Tumblrdome

ē„ę„ / Permanent Vacation
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda

Janaina Medeiros
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
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@lovebrewed
shadowbanned omfg.

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i cant even reply to you
no sei im going to KsMSMSKSMKS**
theres no fucking way i got shadowbanned again omfg. i dont even want to move blogs
WHAT DID I DOOOOOOO šššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššš

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NO WAY I GOT SHADOWBANNED WHAT
šā:ā@loveonair šā:āmimi'sĀ unitĀ šŖ
āoh?Ā anongĀ ginagawaĀ moĀ rito?Ā iĀ toldĀ youĀ iĀ wasĀ busy.ā
itās Ā a Ā little Ā frustratingā Ā how Ā tj Ā canāt Ā even Ā bring Ā himself Ā to Ā be Ā mad Ā at Ā beau. Ā canāt Ā give Ā him Ā the Ā cold Ā shoulder, Ā canāt Ā ignore Ā him Ā the Ā way Ā he Ā used Ā to Ā when Ā things Ā were Ā simpler. Ā before, Ā he Ā could Ā confidently Ā tune Ā beau Ā out. Ā pretend Ā he Ā didnāt Ā hear Ā the Ā chatter, Ā the Ā complaints, Ā the Ā constant Ā stream Ā of Ā requests. Ā but Ā now? Ā now Ā there's Ā a Ā connection Ā between Ā themā Ā one Ā tj Ā willingly Ā let Ā him Ā into. Ā an Ā unspoken Ā understanding Ā that Ā theyāre⦠ what, Ā exactly? Ā close? Ā friends? Ā more? Ā just Ā colleagues? Ā he Ā doesn't Ā know. Ā and Ā that Ā not Ā knowing Ā is Ā whatās Ā really Ā driving Ā him Ā up Ā the Ā wall. Ā because Ā if Ā they Ā were Ā just Ā friends, Ā why Ā does Ā it Ā stingĀ Ā seeing Ā beau Ā eating Ā lunch Ā with Ā someone Ā else? Ā that Ā finance Ā guyā Ā who Ā even Ā is Ā he? Ā and Ā why Ā was Ā beau Ā sitting Ā across Ā from Ā him, Ā smiling Ā like Ā that, Ā laughing Ā like Ā they Ā shared Ā some Ā kind Ā of Ā inside Ā joke? Ā it Ā shouldnāt Ā matter. Ā but Ā it Ā does. Ā and Ā thatās Ā what Ā tj Ā hates Ā the Ā mostā Ā that Ā it Ā bothers Ā him Ā this Ā much, Ā and Ā yet, Ā he Ā canāt Ā say Ā a Ā damn Ā thing Ā about Ā it. Ā so Ā he Ā swallows Ā it Ā down, Ā packs Ā it Ā neatly Ā inside Ā that Ā growing Ā box Ā of Ā things Ā he Ā refuses Ā to Ā feel, Ā and Ā smiles Ā like Ā everythingās Ā fine. Ā ā Ā kahit Ā saan, Ā ā Ā he Ā mutters, Ā not Ā meeting Ā beauās Ā eyes. Ā ā Ā okay Ā ako. Ā ikaw Ā na Ā bahala Ā kung Ā saan Ā mo Ā ako Ā gustong Ā pakainin. Ā ā
āfine.āĀ silenceĀ followedĀ asĀ theĀ numbersĀ aboveĀ theĀ doorĀ tickedĀ down,Ā oneĀ floorĀ atĀ aĀ time.Ā beauĀ glancedĀ upĀ atĀ them,Ā watchingĀ theĀ slowĀ descent.Ā heĀ shouldāveĀ beenĀ relievedāgettingĀ tjĀ toĀ leaveĀ hisĀ deskĀ wasĀ alreadyĀ aĀ smallĀ victory.Ā aĀ break,Ā evenĀ aĀ shortĀ one,Ā wouldāveĀ normallyĀ litĀ tjĀ upĀ aĀ little.Ā loosenedĀ hisĀ shoulders.Ā pulledĀ aĀ smileĀ outĀ ofĀ him.Ā butĀ today,Ā thereĀ wasĀ nothing.Ā tjĀ wouldnātĀ evenĀ meetĀ hisĀ eyes.Ā andĀ thatĀ irritatedĀ beauĀ moreĀ thanĀ heĀ likedĀ toĀ admit.Ā heĀ pridedĀ himselfĀ onĀ beingĀ ableĀ toĀ tellĀ whatĀ peopleĀ wereĀ feeling.Ā itĀ cameĀ withĀ theĀ job,Ā sureāyearsĀ ofĀ pitchingĀ toĀ clients,Ā ofĀ navigatingĀ egosĀ andĀ smoothingĀ outĀ boardroomĀ tensionĀ hadĀ trainedĀ himĀ well.Ā heĀ couldĀ tellĀ whenĀ someoneĀ wasĀ engaged,Ā whenĀ theyĀ wereĀ barelyĀ listening,Ā whenĀ theyĀ wereĀ holdingĀ somethingĀ back.Ā heĀ knewĀ howĀ toĀ readĀ posture,Ā howĀ toĀ scanĀ forĀ tells,Ā andĀ howĀ toĀ leanĀ inĀ orĀ backĀ offĀ basedĀ onĀ nothingĀ butĀ theĀ tiltĀ ofĀ aĀ chinĀ orĀ aĀ twitchĀ ofĀ aĀ mouth.Ā tjĀ wasĀ unreadableĀ rightĀ now.Ā andĀ beauĀ hatedĀ it.Ā heĀ ranĀ backĀ everyĀ momentĀ sinceĀ thatĀ morningāwhatĀ hadĀ heĀ said?Ā whatĀ hadĀ heĀ done?Ā wasĀ itĀ wrongĀ ofĀ himĀ toĀ haveĀ approachedĀ himĀ inĀ theĀ firstĀ place?Ā toĀ haveĀ draggedĀ himĀ outĀ ofĀ theĀ ITĀ department,Ā awayĀ fromĀ hisĀ work,Ā justĀ becauseĀ heĀ missedĀ beingĀ nearĀ himĀ forĀ aĀ moment?Ā hadĀ thatĀ beenĀ selfish?Ā ākungĀ saanĀ nalangĀ malapit.ā
the Ā look Ā on Ā beauās Ā faceā Ā how Ā giddy Ā he Ā is Ā about Ā finally Ā sealing Ā the Ā deal Ā today, Ā even Ā if Ā itās Ā just Ā in Ā a Ā cramped Ā room Ā inside Ā city Ā hallā Ā washes Ā away Ā the Ā last Ā of Ā tjās Ā worries. Ā he Ā doesnāt Ā even Ā know Ā why Ā he Ā doubted Ā in Ā the Ā first Ā place, Ā not Ā when Ā theyāve Ā been Ā so Ā locked Ā in Ā on Ā wedding Ā plans Ā and Ā literally Ā just Ā talked Ā about Ā getting Ā married Ā a Ā few Ā minutes Ā ago. Ā maybe Ā itās Ā the Ā little Ā voice Ā in Ā his Ā head, Ā the Ā fear Ā that Ā beau Ā might Ā suddenly Ā change Ā his Ā mind. Ā but Ā he Ā shouldnāt Ā think Ā like Ā that. Ā not Ā when Ā beau Ā is Ā right Ā here, Ā clinging Ā to Ā him Ā like Ā always, Ā peppering Ā kisses Ā on Ā his Ā cheeks, Ā his Ā neck, Ā wherever Ā he Ā can Ā reach. Ā all Ā that Ā affection⦠ it Ā shouldāve Ā been Ā enough Ā proof. Ā but Ā stillā Ā tj Ā just Ā had Ā to Ā be Ā sure. Ā that Ā beau Ā is Ā really Ā in Ā this Ā with Ā him. Ā that Ā theyāre Ā riding Ā into Ā forever, Ā together.
and Ā with Ā that Ā smile Ā on Ā beauās Ā face, Ā that Ā childlike Ā grin Ā that Ā reaches Ā his Ā eyes, Ā tj Ā melts. Ā his Ā heart Ā squeezes Ā in Ā the Ā best Ā way, Ā and Ā before Ā he Ā can Ā even Ā think Ā about Ā it, Ā his Ā hands Ā are Ā already Ā on Ā beauās Ā waist, Ā pulling Ā him Ā in Ā closer. Ā holding Ā him Ā like Ā he Ā never Ā wants Ā to Ā let Ā go. Ā he Ā smiles Ā like Ā a Ā man Ā stupidly, Ā deeply Ā in Ā loveā Ā because Ā he Ā is. Ā because Ā the Ā idea Ā of Ā being Ā husbands Ā by Ā the Ā end Ā of Ā the Ā day? Ā god, Ā heās Ā dreamt Ā of Ā this Ā for Ā so Ā long. Ā ā Ā yes, Ā mahal, Ā ā Ā he Ā chuckles, Ā giddy, Ā ā Ā mag-asawa Ā na Ā tayo Ā after Ā 3pm. Ā ā
when Ā beau Ā cups Ā his Ā face, Ā tj Ā leans Ā in Ā without Ā hesitation, Ā pressing Ā quick Ā kisses Ā on Ā his Ā lips. Ā one Ā after Ā the Ā other, Ā barely Ā pulling Ā away, Ā like Ā heās Ā trying Ā to Ā memorize Ā the Ā feel Ā of Ā them. Ā and Ā when Ā he Ā does Ā stop, Ā itās Ā only Ā to Ā beam Ā at Ā him Ā like Ā a Ā lovesick Ā fool. Ā theyāre Ā really Ā doing Ā this. Ā theyāre Ā really Ā starting Ā forever Ā today. Ā and Ā tj Ā knowsā Ā no Ā matter Ā how Ā many Ā lives Ā he Ā lives, Ā he Ā will Ā always Ā choose Ā beau. Ā he Ā will Ā always Ā say Ā yes Ā to Ā a Ā sudden, Ā simple Ā wedding Ā over Ā a Ā grand, Ā expensive Ā one. Ā because Ā being Ā with Ā beau Ā means Ā more Ā than Ā any Ā reception, Ā guest Ā list, Ā or Ā buffet Ā ever Ā could. Ā the Ā venues, Ā the Ā decor, Ā all Ā of Ā it Ā can Ā wait. Ā but Ā this? Ā this Ā moment Ā is Ā theirs. Ā and Ā itās Ā perfect.
ā Ā ako Ā ba Ā āyung Ā naiimagine Ā mo Ā na Ā nasa Ā dulo Ā ng Ā aisle Ā every Ā time Ā mag-practice Ā ka Ā mag-walk Ā down Ā nung Ā bata Ā tayo? Ā ā Ā he Ā teases, Ā gently Ā poking Ā beauās Ā chin, Ā his Ā grin Ā playful. Ā they Ā share Ā another Ā kissā Ā slower Ā this Ā timeā Ā before Ā pulling Ā away, Ā tj Ā nodding Ā at Ā beauās Ā instructions Ā with Ā a Ā soft, Ā ā Ā okay, Ā love, Ā ā Ā letting Ā him Ā call Ā shiloh Ā and Ā milo Ā to Ā serve Ā as Ā their Ā witnesses.
meanwhile, Ā tj Ā starts Ā rummaging Ā through Ā their Ā closet. Ā he Ā picks Ā his Ā outfit Ā first: Ā a Ā crisp Ā brown Ā suit Ā paired Ā with Ā a Ā clean Ā white Ā shirt, Ā a Ā patterned Ā tie, Ā and Ā polished Ā brown Ā dress Ā shoesā Ā classic Ā and Ā sleek. Ā then Ā he Ā chooses Ā beauās: Ā a Ā relaxed Ā white Ā button-up Ā tucked Ā into Ā high-waisted Ā beige Ā trousers, Ā finished Ā off Ā with Ā black Ā shoesā Ā effortlessly Ā chic. Ā he Ā lays Ā them Ā both Ā out Ā on Ā the Ā bed Ā carefully. Ā then, Ā from Ā the Ā top Ā corner Ā of Ā the Ā closet, Ā tj Ā quietly Ā pulls Ā out Ā a Ā small Ā box Ā hidden Ā beneath Ā some Ā clothes. Ā he Ā lifts Ā the Ā lid, Ā revealing Ā a Ā red Ā velvet Ā ring Ā box Ā wrapped Ā in Ā a Ā soft Ā white Ā handkerchief. Ā unwrapping Ā it, Ā he Ā finds Ā the Ā rings Ā he Ā bought Ā a Ā while Ā back, Ā perfectly Ā intact. Ā he Ā smiles, Ā heart Ā fluttering, Ā and Ā carefully Ā slips Ā the Ā box Ā into Ā the Ā pocket Ā of Ā his Ā hoodie Ā before Ā returning Ā the Ā bigger Ā box Ā out Ā of Ā sight. Ā when Ā heās Ā done, Ā he Ā walks Ā back Ā over Ā to Ā beau, Ā hand Ā settling Ā naturally Ā on Ā his Ā waist. Ā he Ā presses Ā a Ā kiss Ā to Ā his Ā cheek, Ā eyes Ā bright Ā with Ā excitement. Ā ā Ā okay Ā na Ā ba Ā ātong Ā mga Ā damit, Ā love? Ā ā
āoo,Ā taposĀ yungĀ ringbearerĀ natinĀ siĀ cookieĀ monster.āĀ beauĀ saidĀ withĀ aĀ laugh.Ā heādĀ alwaysĀ lovedĀ tj.Ā wordlessly,Ā instinctively.Ā itĀ wasĀ likeĀ muscleĀ memory.Ā likeĀ breathing,Ā asĀ ifĀ hisĀ soulĀ hadĀ alreadyĀ recognisedĀ tjĀ longĀ beforeĀ heādĀ beenĀ oldĀ enoughĀ toĀ understandĀ why.Ā beforeĀ theĀ worldĀ couldĀ teachĀ himĀ doubt,Ā beforeĀ fearĀ couldĀ makeĀ himĀ hesitate.Ā thereĀ wereĀ peopleĀ youĀ metĀ andĀ grewĀ fondĀ of.Ā andĀ thenĀ thereĀ wereĀ peopleĀ likeĀ tjāpeopleĀ youĀ wereĀ bornĀ knowing.Ā likeĀ dejaĀ vuĀ inĀ humanĀ form.Ā likeĀ aĀ homeĀ youādĀ neverĀ livedĀ inĀ butĀ somehowĀ rememberedĀ theĀ layoutĀ of,Ā downĀ toĀ theĀ creakĀ inĀ theĀ floorboards. asĀ aĀ child,Ā beauĀ hadĀ alwaysĀ beenĀ aĀ littleĀ tooĀ dreamyĀ forĀ hisĀ ownĀ good.Ā heĀ likedĀ imaginingĀ alternateĀ endingsĀ forĀ bedtimeĀ storiesĀ andĀ plottedĀ entireĀ futuresĀ duringĀ recess.Ā heādĀ sitĀ cross-leggedĀ inĀ theĀ grassĀ andĀ declare,Ā withĀ theĀ earnestnessĀ onlyĀ aĀ seven-year-oldĀ couldĀ muster,Ā thatĀ heādĀ liveĀ inĀ aĀ blueĀ houseĀ withĀ aĀ whiteĀ fenceĀ aboveĀ theĀ hill,Ā withĀ tenĀ dogsĀ andĀ hisĀ bestĀ friendĀ andĀ aĀ gardenĀ fullĀ ofĀ daisies.Ā heādĀ forceĀ hisĀ friendsĀ intoĀ pretendĀ weddingsādraggingĀ antĀ intoĀ playingĀ theĀ priest,Ā convincingĀ blairĀ toĀ throwĀ paperĀ flowers,Ā andĀ enduringĀ tjĀ andĀ shilohāsĀ exasperatedĀ eyerollsĀ likeĀ itĀ wasĀ aĀ nobleĀ sacrifice.Ā andĀ everyĀ time,Ā whenĀ itĀ cameĀ toĀ imaginingĀ whoĀ stoodĀ atĀ theĀ endĀ ofĀ theĀ aisle,Ā beauĀ neverĀ evenĀ hadĀ toĀ think.Ā itĀ wasĀ alwaysĀ tj.Ā hisĀ bestĀ friend.Ā theĀ personĀ heĀ trustedĀ most,Ā whoseĀ presenceĀ hadĀ alwaysĀ feltĀ moreĀ likeĀ fateĀ thanĀ coincidence. inĀ theirĀ teenageĀ years,Ā itĀ allĀ changed...Ā andĀ yet,Ā itĀ didnāt.Ā everythingĀ remainedĀ theĀ same.Ā sameĀ insideĀ jokes.Ā sameĀ longĀ conversationsĀ stretchedĀ outĀ underĀ theĀ stars.Ā butĀ thenĀ oneĀ morning,Ā withoutĀ warning,Ā theĀ worldĀ tilted.Ā itĀ wasĀ theirĀ sameĀ morningĀ routine.Ā butĀ whenĀ beauĀ lookedĀ atĀ himĀ thatĀ day,Ā somethingĀ clicked.Ā heĀ wasĀ inĀ love.Ā butĀ whatĀ didĀ heĀ doĀ withĀ thatĀ kindĀ ofĀ feeling?Ā nothing.Ā heĀ tuckedĀ itĀ away.Ā hidĀ itĀ andĀ carriedĀ on.Ā becauseĀ theĀ riskĀ feltĀ tooĀ great.Ā becauseĀ losingĀ tjĀ feltĀ tooĀ unbearable.Ā heādĀ ratherĀ haveĀ himĀ likeĀ thisāhalfway,Ā platonicallyāthanĀ notĀ atĀ all.Ā heĀ convincedĀ himselfĀ itĀ wasĀ enough.Ā heĀ learnedĀ howĀ toĀ loveĀ withoutĀ asking.Ā andĀ now,Ā sittingĀ here,Ā yearsĀ later,Ā beauĀ wonderedĀ whatĀ heādĀ beenĀ soĀ afraidĀ of.Ā becauseĀ ifĀ heādĀ alwaysĀ known,Ā ifĀ tjĀ hadĀ alwaysĀ beenĀ writtenĀ inĀ himā¦Ā thenĀ maybeĀ tjĀ hadĀ knownĀ too.Ā maybeĀ theyādĀ justĀ spentĀ tooĀ longĀ pretendingĀ notĀ toĀ look.
beauĀ hadnātĀ evenĀ noticedĀ theĀ slewĀ ofĀ messagesĀ fromĀ shilohĀ pilingĀ upĀ onĀ hisĀ phone.Ā heādĀ setĀ itĀ toĀ doĀ notĀ disturbĀ theĀ momentĀ tjĀ startedĀ actingĀ whinyĀ andĀ clingy.Ā withĀ tjĀ finallyĀ slippingĀ intoĀ theĀ closetĀ toĀ pickĀ outĀ clothes,Ā beauĀ tookĀ theĀ momentĀ toĀ callĀ shilohĀ back.Ā āhey,āĀ heĀ saidĀ quickly,Ā voiceĀ stillĀ tingedĀ withĀ disbelief.Ā itĀ stillĀ feltĀ unreal,Ā thisĀ thingĀ theyĀ wereĀ doing.Ā āwait.Ā freeĀ kaĀ baĀ ngayon?Ā okay.Ā good.Ā kasiāāĀ heĀ toldĀ shilohĀ aboutĀ theirĀ spontaneousĀ decision.Ā aboutĀ theĀ papers,Ā theĀ officiant,Ā theĀ location.Ā theĀ onlyĀ thingĀ theyĀ stillĀ neededĀ wereĀ witnessesāandĀ theyādĀ thoughtĀ ofĀ onlyĀ twoĀ people.Ā ābut,Ā please,āĀ beauĀ hadĀ addedĀ gently,Ā āsatinĀ satinĀ langĀ munaĀ 'to.āĀ shilohĀ agreed,Ā thoughĀ beauĀ couldĀ hearĀ theĀ pauseĀ inĀ hisĀ voice,Ā theĀ delayĀ betweenĀ oneĀ breathĀ andĀ theĀ nextĀ whenĀ heĀ realisedĀ miloĀ wouldĀ beĀ theĀ otherĀ witness.Ā beauĀ didnātĀ sayĀ anythingĀ more.Ā asĀ muchĀ asĀ heĀ lovedĀ themābothĀ ofĀ them,Ā evenĀ whenĀ theyĀ wereĀ beingĀ stubbornāheĀ didnātĀ haveĀ theĀ spaceĀ inĀ hisĀ chestĀ toĀ careĀ aboutĀ whateverĀ tensionĀ lingeredĀ betweenĀ hisĀ friends.Ā notĀ whenĀ heĀ wasĀ gettingĀ marriedĀ today.
byĀ theĀ timeĀ heĀ endedĀ theĀ callĀ andĀ setĀ hisĀ phoneĀ backĀ down,Ā tjĀ hadĀ returnedĀ fromĀ theĀ closet,Ā grinningĀ downĀ atĀ theĀ clothesĀ heādĀ laidĀ outĀ onĀ theĀ bedĀ earlier.Ā beauĀ followedĀ hisĀ gazeāandĀ hisĀ heartĀ didĀ aĀ fuckingĀ backflip.Ā inĀ justĀ aĀ fewĀ hours,Ā theyādĀ beĀ standingĀ acrossĀ eachĀ otherĀ wearingĀ theseĀ exactĀ clothes.Ā beigeĀ trousers.Ā aĀ crispĀ whiteĀ button-up.Ā simple,Ā butĀ beauāsĀ favouriteĀ things.Ā hisĀ closetĀ staples.Ā ātheyāreĀ perfect,āĀ heĀ breathed,Ā pressingĀ hisĀ shoulderĀ againstĀ tjāsĀ asĀ heĀ leanedĀ intoĀ him.Ā heĀ letĀ outĀ aĀ sigh,Ā overwhelmedĀ withĀ aĀ joyĀ soĀ quietĀ andĀ completeĀ thatĀ heĀ couldnātĀ evenĀ speakĀ forĀ aĀ second.Ā āiĀ alsoĀ toldĀ shilohĀ na.Ā siyaĀ naĀ rinĀ dawĀ magmamaneho.Ā bihisĀ naĀ baĀ tayo?ā
ā Ā you Ā havenāt Ā been Ā answering Ā me Ā for Ā days. Ā kailangan Ā pa Ā kitang Ā lapitan. Ā is Ā this Ā really Ā just Ā because Ā i Ā didnāt Ā reply Ā for Ā three Ā days? Ā i Ā told Ā you, Ā i Ā was Ā on Ā a Ā business Ā trip. Ā ā
āreally?Ā aĀ businessĀ trip?Ā nakalimutanĀ moĀ ataĀ akongĀ itanggalĀ saĀ closeĀ friendsĀ mo.Ā gagawinĀ moĀ paĀ 'kongĀ tanga.Ā whatever,Ā marcusāi'mĀ editingĀ videos.Ā iĀ don'tĀ haveĀ timeĀ toĀ listenĀ toĀ yourĀ shitĀ today.ā

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tj Ā can Ā only Ā blink Ā as Ā he Ā registers Ā the Ā way Ā beauās Ā eyes Ā practically Ā explode Ā at Ā the Ā news. Ā likeā Ā genuinely Ā explode. Ā wide, Ā shocked, Ā almost Ā scandalized. Ā itās Ā honestly Ā kind Ā of Ā funny. Ā he Ā watches Ā the Ā disbelief Ā paint Ā across Ā his Ā face Ā and Ā just Ā shakes Ā his Ā head, Ā letting Ā out Ā a Ā short Ā laugh Ā under Ā his Ā breath.
so Ā he Ā really Ā didnāt Ā know.
tj Ā had Ā assumed Ā piper Ā wouldāve Ā at Ā least Ā mentioned Ā it. Ā the Ā fact Ā that Ā they Ā were Ā here, Ā standing Ā in Ā the Ā luxury Ā house Ā of Ā a Ā top-tier Ā idol Ā from Ā lumin8, Ā because Ā she Ā not Ā only Ā designed Ā the Ā whole Ā place Ā but Ā alsoā Ā surpriseā Ā yohan Ā apparently Ā has Ā a Ā little Ā crush Ā on Ā her. Ā but Ā nope. Ā not Ā a Ā word Ā from Ā her. Ā which, Ā okay, Ā fair. Ā that Ā does Ā say Ā something Ā about Ā piperās Ā loyalty. Ā she Ā couldāve Ā spilled Ā it, Ā bragged Ā a Ā little Ā even, Ā but Ā she Ā didnāt. Ā yohan Ā trusted Ā her Ā enough Ā to Ā say Ā it Ā in Ā confidence, Ā and Ā she Ā kept Ā it.
and Ā well⦠ tj Ā does Ā love Ā a Ā little Ā gossip. Ā especially Ā if Ā itās Ā about Ā his Ā co-members. Ā he Ā doesnāt Ā mean Ā any Ā harm Ā by Ā itā Ā itās Ā just Ā in Ā his Ā nature. Ā the Ā difference Ā is, Ā he Ā genuinely Ā thought Ā beau Ā already Ā knew. Ā that Ā this Ā was Ā common Ā knowledge Ā by Ā now. Ā guess Ā not. Ā he Ā tries Ā to Ā suppress Ā his Ā grin Ā as Ā he Ā nods Ā when Ā beau Ā suggests Ā looking Ā for Ā a Ā nearby Ā coffee Ā shop. Ā but Ā thenā Ā thenā Ā tj Ā catches Ā something Ā that Ā almost Ā makes Ā him Ā physically Ā glitch.
there. Ā on Ā the Ā back Ā of Ā beauās Ā phone.
itās Ā his Ā face.
or Ā more Ā specifically, Ā a Ā photocard. Ā a Ā selfie. Ā one Ā tj Ā knows Ā he Ā took Ā for Ā printing Ā because Ā he Ā remembers Ā cropping Ā it, Ā remembers Ā thinking Ā was Ā this Ā too Ā much Ā skin? Ā (Ā Ā the Ā answer Ā was Ā probably Ā yes.Ā Ā ) Ā itās Ā the Ā one Ā where Ā his Ā neckline Ā dips Ā just Ā a Ā little, Ā enough Ā to Ā tease Ā a Ā bit Ā of Ā chest. Ā and Ā itās Ā sitting Ā right Ā there. Ā on Ā beauās Ā phone. Ā he Ā tries Ā to Ā keep Ā his Ā reaction Ā casual, Ā but Ā inside, Ā tj Ā is Ā spiraling. Ā this Ā isnāt Ā the Ā first Ā time Ā heās Ā seen Ā fans Ā use Ā his Ā photocards Ā as Ā phone Ā decorā Ā heās Ā done Ā enough Ā fansigns Ā to Ā get Ā used Ā to Ā itā Ā but Ā this Ā isnāt Ā just Ā anyone. Ā this Ā is Ā beau. Ā beau.
beau, Ā who Ā once Ā asked, Ā without Ā looking, Ā ā Ā is Ā this Ā seat Ā taken? Ā ā Ā in Ā a Ā crowded Ā school Ā library, Ā pointing Ā to Ā the Ā empty Ā chair Ā beside Ā tj Ā without Ā realizing Ā who Ā he Ā was Ā talking Ā to. Ā and Ā tj, Ā already Ā halfway Ā in Ā love Ā with Ā him Ā by Ā then, Ā just Ā nodded Ā silently, Ā trying Ā not Ā to Ā panic. Ā he Ā remembered Ā sitting Ā there, Ā heart Ā thudding Ā stupidly Ā in Ā his Ā chest, Ā not Ā turning Ā a Ā single Ā page Ā of Ā his Ā book Ā for Ā the Ā next Ā thirty Ā minutes Ā because Ā beau Ā was Ā right Ā there. Ā close Ā enough Ā to Ā hear Ā the Ā rustle Ā of Ā his Ā notes, Ā to Ā catch Ā the Ā smell Ā of Ā his Ā cologne, Ā to Ā memorize Ā the Ā little Ā crease Ā in Ā his Ā brows Ā as Ā he Ā studied.
beau Ā never Ā remembered Ā that Ā day. Ā but Ā tj Ā never Ā forgot.
so Ā yeah. Ā seeing Ā his Ā photocard Ā on Ā the Ā back Ā of Ā beauās Ā phoneā Ā it Ā feels Ā different. Ā like Ā something Ā small Ā and Ā intimate Ā and Ā real. Ā and Ā maybe Ā tjās Ā reading Ā too Ā much Ā into Ā it, Ā but Ā heāll Ā allow Ā himself Ā this Ā one Ā little Ā moment.
he Ā keeps Ā his Ā hands Ā tucked Ā in Ā his Ā pockets, Ā lets Ā beau Ā scroll Ā on Ā his Ā phone Ā while Ā he Ā stares Ā off Ā to Ā the Ā side, Ā schooling Ā his Ā features Ā into Ā neutrality. Ā but Ā when Ā beau Ā finally Ā looks Ā up, Ā tj Ā meets Ā his Ā gaze Ā with Ā a Ā small Ā smile Ā tugging Ā at Ā the Ā corner Ā of Ā his Ā lips. Ā ā Ā okay, Ā nice, Ā ā Ā he Ā says, Ā nodding, Ā then Ā quirks Ā a Ā brow Ā playfully. Ā ā Ā yung Ā five Ā minutes Ā ba Ā na Ā 'yan⦠ is Ā that Ā a Ā five Ā minute Ā walk Ā or Ā by Ā car? Ā either Ā way... Ā do Ā you Ā want Ā to Ā walk? Ā ā Ā he Ā asks, Ā looking Ā at Ā him Ā like Ā he Ā means Ā it. Ā like Ā this Ā isnāt Ā just Ā about Ā coffee Ā anymore. Ā like Ā maybeā Ā finallyā Ā heās Ā getting Ā the Ā chance Ā to Ā walk Ā beside Ā beau Ā not Ā just Ā as Ā an Ā idol, Ā not Ā just Ā as Ā a Ā high Ā school Ā memory, Ā but Ā as Ā himself.
āfiveĀ minutesĀ byĀ carĀ siya.āĀ beauĀ answered.Ā heĀ checkedĀ theĀ location,Ā openedĀ maps,Ā refreshedĀ theĀ routeĀ twiceĀ justĀ inĀ case.Ā fiveĀ minutes,Ā ifĀ theyĀ drove.Ā andĀ ifĀ theyĀ walked,Ā thatādĀ beĀ twiceĀ asĀ long.Ā maybeĀ thrice,Ā ifĀ theyĀ strolled.Ā so...Ā thatĀ wasā¦Ā what?Ā twentyĀ minutesĀ ofĀ walkingĀ sideĀ byĀ sideĀ withĀ tj.Ā twentyĀ minutesĀ ofĀ tryingĀ toĀ actĀ normal.Ā ofĀ pretendingĀ heĀ wasnātĀ losingĀ hisĀ mindĀ withĀ everyĀ step.Ā ofĀ convincingĀ hisĀ lungsĀ toĀ keepĀ working,Ā convincingĀ hisĀ heartĀ notĀ toĀ leapĀ rightĀ outĀ ofĀ hisĀ chestĀ andĀ explodeĀ inĀ theĀ middleĀ ofĀ theĀ street.Ā althoughāifĀ itĀ did,Ā ifĀ hisĀ heartĀ failedĀ onĀ himĀ rightĀ hereĀ andĀ now,Ā beauĀ thoughtĀ heādĀ dieĀ aĀ happyĀ man.Ā surprisinglyĀ enough,Ā thereĀ wereĀ worseĀ waysĀ toĀ goĀ thanĀ walkingĀ nextĀ toĀ tjĀ underĀ theĀ swelteringĀ heatĀ andĀ semi-pollutedĀ air. āweĀ canĀ walk,āĀ beauĀ said,Ā smiling.Ā thisĀ feltĀ likeĀ somethingĀ thatĀ wouldĀ happenĀ inĀ aĀ feverĀ dreamĀ orĀ aĀ sceneĀ fromĀ oneĀ ofĀ thoseĀ dramasĀ heĀ likedĀ toĀ bingewatch.Ā thereĀ shouldāveĀ beenĀ backgroundĀ musicĀ playingĀ andĀ sakuraĀ petalsĀ fallingĀ fromĀ theĀ sky.Ā becauseĀ beingĀ ableĀ toĀ spendĀ timeĀ withĀ tj,Ā casually,Ā feltĀ unreal.Ā thisĀ isĀ hisĀ chanceĀ toĀ talkĀ moreĀ withĀ tj,Ā toĀ laughĀ withĀ him,Ā maybeĀ evenĀ shareĀ aĀ pastryĀ ifĀ theĀ opportunityĀ aroseĀ andĀ heĀ didnātĀ chokeĀ onĀ hisĀ nerves.
andĀ maybeātheyĀ werenātĀ idolĀ andĀ fanĀ anymore.Ā notĀ rightĀ now.Ā withĀ piperĀ andĀ yohan'sĀ weirdĀ thing,Ā maybeĀ heĀ wouldĀ beĀ seeingĀ moreĀ ofĀ tj.Ā heĀ couldnātĀ helpĀ itācouldnātĀ stopĀ theĀ wayĀ hisĀ brainĀ whisperedĀ possibilities,Ā recklessĀ andĀ starry-eyed.Ā ifĀ thisĀ hangoutĀ (butĀ alsoĀ maybeĀ aĀ date,Ā hisĀ traitorĀ ofĀ aĀ mindĀ chimed)Ā wentĀ well,Ā thenĀ maybeĀ byĀ theĀ endĀ ofĀ itĀ theyādĀ beĀ friends.Ā real,Ā honest-to-godĀ friends.
andĀ wasnātĀ thatĀ fuckingĀ wild?
beauĀ alreadyĀ knewĀ littleĀ piecesĀ ofĀ tj.Ā heĀ knewĀ whatĀ tjĀ wasĀ likeĀ inĀ frontĀ ofĀ theĀ camera.Ā knewĀ hisĀ favouriteĀ colour,Ā hisĀ go-toĀ drink,Ā theĀ gamesĀ heĀ likedĀ playing,Ā theĀ playlistsĀ heĀ usedĀ toĀ windĀ downĀ betweenĀ schedules.Ā allĀ gatheredĀ fromĀ behind-the-scenesĀ clips,Ā vlogs,Ā interviews,Ā andĀ theĀ chaosĀ thatĀ wasĀ illumin8Ā tv. butĀ allĀ thatĀ wasĀ justĀ theĀ tipĀ ofĀ theĀ iceberg.Ā mostĀ fansĀ didnātĀ getĀ moreĀ thanĀ that.Ā thatĀ wasĀ whatĀ tjĀ wasĀ willingĀ toĀ show.Ā curatedĀ andĀ safe.Ā andĀ beauĀ respectedĀ that.Ā heĀ wasĀ elatedāgratefulĀ beyondĀ wordsāthatĀ evenĀ asĀ privateĀ asĀ tjĀ was,Ā heĀ stillĀ choseĀ toĀ shareĀ fragmentsĀ ofĀ himself.Ā heĀ didnātĀ oweĀ anyoneĀ that,Ā butĀ heĀ didĀ itĀ anyway.Ā tjĀ hadĀ alwaysĀ beenĀ oneĀ ofĀ theĀ moreĀ groundedĀ onesĀ inĀ illumin8.Ā heĀ didnātĀ leanĀ intoĀ fanservice,Ā didnātĀ sellĀ thatĀ overlyĀ sweetĀ fantasyĀ someĀ idolsĀ livedĀ offĀ of.Ā heĀ didnātĀ callĀ fansĀ 'baby'Ā orĀ winkĀ onĀ cueĀ duringĀ fanĀ calls.Ā heĀ didnātĀ playĀ pretend.Ā heĀ keptĀ itĀ real. andĀ maybeĀ thatĀ wasĀ whyĀ beauĀ likedĀ himĀ soĀ much.Ā becauseĀ evenĀ throughĀ theĀ filtersĀ andĀ theĀ noise,Ā tjĀ feltĀ real.Ā andĀ rightĀ now,Ā heĀ feltĀ evenĀ moreĀ so. soĀ justĀ thisĀ possibilityĀ wasĀ enoughĀ toĀ steadyĀ beauāsĀ handsĀ andĀ scatterĀ hisĀ thoughtsĀ allĀ atĀ once.Ā theĀ chanceĀ toĀ getĀ toĀ knowĀ tj,Ā notĀ theĀ idolĀ plasteredĀ acrossĀ billboardsĀ orĀ editedĀ intoĀ musicĀ videos,Ā butĀ theĀ boyĀ beneathĀ allĀ thatĀ shine.Ā tjĀ withoutĀ foundationĀ dustedĀ overĀ hisĀ cheekbones,Ā withoutĀ theĀ styledĀ hairĀ andĀ embroideredĀ jackets,Ā withoutĀ theĀ worldĀ watchingĀ hisĀ everyĀ move.Ā justā¦Ā tj.Ā thatĀ wasĀ aĀ privilegeĀ beauĀ didnātĀ takeĀ lightly. heĀ movedĀ quietly,Ā crossingĀ theĀ roomĀ toĀ theĀ couchĀ whereĀ hisĀ sweaterĀ layĀ folded.Ā heĀ slippedĀ itĀ on,Ā pullingĀ theĀ hemĀ downĀ overĀ hisĀ shirt,Ā readyĀ toĀ leave.Ā āakoĀ ngaĀ dapatĀ nagtatanongĀ saāyoĀ niyan,āĀ heĀ saidĀ playfully.Ā forĀ mostĀ people,Ā aĀ walkĀ wasĀ justĀ aĀ walk.Ā butĀ forĀ tjāwhoseĀ faceĀ hadĀ beenĀ broadcastĀ toĀ millions,Ā whoseĀ privacyĀ wasĀ practicallyĀ nonexistentāitĀ wasĀ riskyĀ asĀ fuck.Ā beauĀ hadĀ seenĀ whatĀ happenedĀ whenĀ someoneĀ recognisedĀ anĀ idolĀ onĀ theĀ street,Ā howĀ quicklyĀ aĀ quietĀ momentĀ couldĀ becomeĀ chaotic.Ā howĀ aĀ singleĀ photoĀ couldĀ sparkĀ aĀ frenzy.Ā ifĀ tjĀ wereĀ toĀ walk,Ā heādĀ haveĀ toĀ hide.Ā pullĀ aĀ hoodieĀ up,Ā wearĀ aĀ capĀ lowĀ overĀ hisĀ eyes,Ā maybeĀ throwĀ onĀ aĀ maskĀ toĀ coverĀ theĀ rest.Ā āareĀ youĀ okayĀ withĀ walking?ā
iĀ seeĀ theĀ galaxiesĀ whenĀ iĀ lookĀ inĀ yourĀ eyes andĀ i,Ā canā²tĀ speak,Ā no,Ā i,Ā can'tĀ speakĀ atĀ all iĀ swearĀ toĀ zeus,Ā youā²reĀ aphroditeĀ inĀ disguise don'tĀ thinkĀ thatĀ youĀ couldĀ hideĀ itĀ fromĀ me
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā š² Ā Ā dunder mifflin co. break room kitchen Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā š² Ā Ā with @gckko @bluvvone @roseduet @lovebrewed
" roo - doot - doo ā oh , hey superstar . what're you looking for ? did you check up your butt ? " carter follows up with a snort and a heyooo as he leans against the counter , the sound of his brand new khakis rustling heard in the dead silence that hangs after his joke . he clears his throat , very slowly and carefully lifting his notably overfilled mug of plain milk to his lips . the milk is hotter than anticipated and burns his lip , startling carter and causing him to spill a bit on his tie . it goes unnoticed as the man is already focused on putting the mug back down , holding his breath and lowering his entire upper body to keep the milk from spilling . nailed it . he exhales in relief and stands straight once more , resuming his position against the counter with a signature goofy grin to pair . " wasn't up there ? did you try going to the corner of finders keepers and losers weepers ? "
carterĀ was,Ā withoutĀ aĀ doubt,Ā oneĀ ofĀ theĀ mostā¦Ā animatedĀ peopleĀ inĀ theĀ office.Ā andĀ eugene,Ā forĀ hisĀ part,Ā triedĀ toĀ avoidĀ himĀ atĀ allĀ costs.Ā itĀ wasnātĀ thatĀ heĀ dislikedĀ theĀ man.Ā dislikeĀ wasĀ tooĀ strongĀ aĀ word.Ā itĀ wasĀ justā¦Ā exhausting.Ā everyĀ timeĀ theyĀ ranĀ intoĀ eachĀ other,Ā eugeneĀ leftĀ theĀ conversationĀ feelingĀ likeĀ heĀ neededĀ toĀ lieĀ downĀ inĀ aĀ darkĀ roomĀ andĀ recalibrateĀ hisĀ entireĀ nervousĀ system.Ā soĀ whenĀ heĀ heardĀ itātheĀ unmistakableĀ trillĀ ofĀ carterāsĀ improvisedĀ scattingāhisĀ heartĀ promptlyĀ droppedĀ toĀ hisĀ ass.Ā ohĀ no,Ā notĀ today.Ā beforeĀ heĀ couldĀ pivotĀ andĀ disappearĀ backĀ intoĀ theĀ corridor,Ā carterĀ wasĀ alreadyĀ uponĀ him.Ā eugeneĀ stiffened,Ā feelingĀ theĀ creepingĀ pressureĀ ofĀ attentionĀ closingĀ inĀ aroundĀ him.Ā heĀ blinked.Ā andĀ blinkedĀ again.Ā theĀ silenceĀ thatĀ followedĀ hungĀ awkwardlyĀ inĀ theĀ air.Ā fiveĀ secondsĀ tooĀ lateāmaybeĀ sixāheĀ forcedĀ aĀ laugh.Ā āuhā¦Ā right.Ā haha.Ā no,Ā iāuhāiĀ donātĀ usuallyā¦Ā storeĀ thingsĀ there.Ā um.Ā notĀ thatĀ thereāsĀ anythingĀ wrongĀ withĀ that,Ā iĀ guess,Ā ifĀ someoneĀ does.Ā oh,Ā god.Ā isĀ thatĀ aĀ thing?āĀ aĀ pause.Ā eugeneĀ tookĀ aĀ deepĀ breath.Ā ājust,Ā uhā¦Ā iĀ wasĀ justĀ lookingĀ forĀ aĀ spoon.Ā toĀ stirĀ myĀ tea.Ā theyāreĀ allĀ gone.Ā theĀ spoons.Ā forĀ myĀ tea.ā
as Ā confused Ā as Ā tj Ā wasā Ā by Ā the Ā tears, Ā by Ā the Ā look Ā in Ā beauās Ā eyes Ā that Ā always Ā seemed Ā to Ā be Ā searching Ā for Ā something Ā he Ā couldnāt Ā nameā Ā he Ā never Ā once Ā dared Ā to Ā push Ā him Ā away. Ā never Ā demanded Ā answers. Ā never Ā asked Ā why Ā beau Ā was Ā suddenly Ā holding Ā on Ā to Ā him Ā like Ā he Ā was Ā going Ā to Ā disappear Ā again. Ā in Ā his Ā mind, Ā this Ā was Ā all Ā still Ā part Ā of Ā the Ā ache Ā theyād Ā both Ā carried Ā for Ā over Ā a Ā year. Ā the Ā guilt. Ā the Ā regret. Ā the Ā damage Ā theyād Ā done Ā and Ā the Ā healing Ā that Ā never Ā quite Ā came Ā easy.
for Ā tj, Ā it Ā was Ā the Ā guilt Ā of Ā choosing Ā wrongā Ā of Ā hurting Ā beau Ā in Ā the Ā worst Ā possible Ā way. Ā for Ā beau⦠ it Ā was Ā leaving. Ā walking Ā away. Ā and Ā though Ā tj Ā never Ā blamed Ā him Ā for Ā that, Ā not Ā once, Ā he Ā understood. Ā beau Ā had Ā every Ā right Ā to Ā do Ā what Ā he Ā needed Ā to Ā heal. Ā every Ā right Ā to Ā put Ā himself Ā first Ā after Ā the Ā mess Ā tj Ā made. Ā and Ā when Ā things Ā got Ā too Ā heavy, Ā too Ā overwhelming, Ā tj Ā understood Ā why Ā he Ā left. Ā he Ā respected Ā it.
but Ā tj Ā stayed. Ā through Ā it Ā all, Ā through Ā the Ā ache Ā of Ā being Ā left Ā behind, Ā he Ā stayed. Ā waited. Ā and Ā heād Ā keep Ā waiting Ā for Ā as Ā long Ā as Ā beau Ā needed Ā him Ā to. Ā because Ā in Ā tjās Ā eyes, Ā thatās Ā what Ā love Ā looked Ā like. Ā thatās Ā what Ā he Ā deserved Ā to Ā doā Ā to Ā wait, Ā to Ā be Ā patient, Ā to Ā be Ā there.
it Ā had Ā been Ā a Ā lonely Ā year. Ā quiet, Ā hollow, Ā painful. Ā and Ā not Ā a Ā single Ā day Ā passed Ā that Ā tj Ā didnāt Ā feel Ā the Ā sting Ā of Ā regret Ā in Ā his Ā chest. Ā he Ā replayed Ā it Ā constantlyā Ā the Ā way Ā things Ā ended, Ā the Ā way Ā he Ā let Ā the Ā silence Ā with Ā nico Ā linger, Ā when Ā it Ā shouldāve Ā ended Ā long Ā before Ā it Ā had Ā the Ā chance Ā to Ā ruin Ā everything. Ā he Ā shouldāve Ā gone Ā after Ā beau. Ā shouldāve Ā booked Ā a Ā flight Ā to Ā japan Ā the Ā second Ā he Ā realized Ā what Ā he Ā was Ā about Ā to Ā lose. Ā shouldāve Ā shown Ā himā Ā not Ā just Ā saidā Ā that Ā his Ā love Ā was Ā real, Ā and Ā heād Ā do Ā anything Ā to Ā fix Ā the Ā damage.
but Ā the Ā past Ā was Ā the Ā past.
and Ā tj? Ā tj Ā wasnāt Ā that Ā same Ā boy Ā anymore. Ā he Ā spent Ā a Ā whole Ā year Ā becoming Ā someone Ā betterā Ā someone Ā beau Ā could Ā be Ā proud Ā of. Ā he Ā was Ā still Ā the Ā tj Ā beau Ā fell Ā in Ā love Ā with, Ā but Ā now Ā with Ā more Ā clarity, Ā more Ā tenderness. Ā a Ā version Ā who Ā knew Ā how Ā to Ā listen. Ā who Ā thought Ā before Ā he Ā acted, Ā who Ā didnāt Ā speak Ā just Ā to Ā be Ā heard. Ā someone Ā who Ā put Ā other Ā peopleās Ā feelings Ā before Ā his Ā own. Ā especially Ā beauās.
so Ā when Ā beau Ā stirs Ā awake, Ā tears Ā still Ā clinging Ā to Ā his Ā lashes, Ā and Ā his Ā face Ā falls Ā at Ā the Ā sight Ā of Ā the Ā empty Ā bed Ā beside Ā himā Ā tj Ā sees Ā it. Ā the Ā panic. Ā the Ā fear Ā that Ā maybe Ā it Ā all Ā really Ā was Ā just Ā a Ā dream. Ā that Ā heās Ā lost Ā him Ā again. Ā but Ā tjās Ā not Ā gone. Ā heās Ā just Ā in Ā the Ā kitchen, Ā quietly Ā cooking Ā up Ā food Ā on Ā the Ā stove, Ā preparing Ā something Ā soft Ā and Ā comforting. Ā because Ā he Ā knows Ā beauā Ā knows Ā how Ā draining Ā it Ā is Ā to Ā cry Ā like Ā that, Ā to Ā mourn Ā something Ā that Ā isn't Ā really Ā gone. Ā knows Ā heāll Ā need Ā something Ā warm Ā to Ā eat, Ā something Ā grounding Ā to Ā bring Ā him Ā back Ā to Ā himself.
his Ā hand Ā weaves Ā through Ā beauās Ā hair, Ā stroking Ā softly, Ā fingers Ā combing Ā through Ā dark Ā strands Ā like Ā muscle Ā memory. Ā and Ā he Ā stays Ā there, Ā letting Ā beau Ā feel Ā the Ā steady Ā beat Ā of Ā his Ā heart Ā against Ā his Ā cheekā Ā silent Ā proof Ā that Ā heās Ā real, Ā that Ā he Ā never Ā left. Ā that Ā he Ā never Ā will. Ā ā Ā youāll Ā never⦠ ā Ā tj Ā begins Ā softly, Ā pressing Ā his Ā face Ā to Ā beauās Ā temple, Ā his Ā voice Ā warm Ā against Ā his Ā skin. Ā ā Ā youāll Ā never Ā lose Ā me. Ā iāll Ā always Ā be Ā with Ā you. Ā everywhere Ā you Ā go. Ā ā
he Ā pulls Ā back, Ā just Ā enough Ā to Ā see Ā beauās Ā face, Ā and Ā when Ā he Ā sees Ā the Ā tears Ā clinging Ā to Ā the Ā edges Ā of Ā his Ā eyes, Ā tjās Ā heart Ā twists Ā all Ā over Ā again. Ā his Ā thumb Ā catches Ā them, Ā wiping Ā them Ā away Ā with Ā a Ā touch Ā so Ā gentle Ā it Ā makes Ā beau Ā close Ā his Ā eyes. Ā of Ā course. Ā a Ā bad Ā dream. Ā it Ā all Ā clicks Ā nowā Ā the Ā desperate Ā way Ā beau Ā clung Ā to Ā him, Ā the Ā fear Ā in Ā his Ā expression. Ā he Ā was Ā scared Ā tj Ā had Ā left. Ā that Ā he Ā wouldnāt Ā come Ā back. Ā and Ā tj Ā canāt Ā blame Ā him, Ā not Ā after Ā everything. Ā he Ā smiles Ā gently, Ā taking Ā beauās Ā hand Ā and Ā pressing Ā it Ā to Ā his Ā chest, Ā right Ā where Ā his Ā heart Ā is. Ā ā Ā iām Ā okay. Ā see? Ā ā Ā he Ā says, Ā voice Ā light Ā but Ā thick Ā with Ā emotion, Ā chuckling Ā softly. Ā ā Ā nararamdaman Ā mo? Ā hinding-hindi Ā ako Ā mawawala Ā sayo. Ā ā
and Ā then, Ā to Ā ground Ā them Ā back Ā in Ā the Ā present, Ā he Ā presses Ā a Ā kiss Ā to Ā beauās Ā cheek. Ā itās Ā soft. Ā steady. Ā sure. Ā ā Ā okay, Ā kakain Ā tayo Ā ng Ā sabay, Ā ā Ā he Ā says, Ā brushing Ā beauās Ā hair Ā behind Ā his Ā ear Ā before Ā leading Ā him Ā to Ā the Ā table Ā where Ā heās Ā already Ā laid Ā out Ā two Ā bowlsā Ā one Ā for Ā him, Ā one Ā for Ā beau. Ā the Ā steam Ā rises Ā gently Ā between Ā them, Ā the Ā scent Ā warm Ā and Ā familiar. Ā tj Ā pulls Ā out Ā beauās Ā chair Ā and Ā helps Ā him Ā settle Ā in, Ā sitting Ā close Ā beside Ā him, Ā knees Ā brushing Ā under Ā the Ā table.
thump.Ā thump.Ā thump.
heĀ feltĀ it.Ā theĀ thuddingĀ pulseĀ beneathĀ hisĀ palm.Ā thereĀ wasĀ heat.Ā solidness.Ā theĀ familiarĀ riseĀ andĀ fallĀ ofĀ breathĀ beneathĀ hisĀ hands.Ā tjĀ wasĀ there.Ā notĀ justĀ aĀ memory,Ā notĀ aĀ ghost,Ā butĀ alive.
beau'sĀ mind,Ā stillĀ swimmingĀ inĀ disbelief,Ā couldnātĀ catchĀ upĀ fastĀ enough.Ā andĀ soĀ itĀ wasĀ hisĀ bodyĀ thatĀ reactedĀ first:Ā exhausted,Ā confused,Ā andĀ starving.Ā andĀ thenāhisĀ stomachĀ growled.Ā beauĀ winced.Ā heĀ hadnātĀ eatenĀ sinceĀ yesterday,Ā hadnātĀ feltĀ hungryĀ untilĀ now.Ā becauseĀ whoĀ feltĀ hungerĀ inĀ dreams?Ā whoĀ feltĀ tired,Ā orĀ cold,Ā orĀ achingĀ inĀ dreams?
butĀ heĀ wasĀ here.Ā heartĀ poundingĀ andĀ throatĀ dry,Ā heldĀ togetherĀ byĀ tjāsĀ arms,Ā byĀ theĀ soundĀ ofĀ hisĀ heartbeat.Ā byĀ somethingĀ thatĀ shouldnātācouldnātāexist.Ā yet...Ā hisĀ bodyĀ believedĀ it,Ā evenĀ ifĀ hisĀ mindĀ didnāt.Ā soĀ beauĀ staredĀ asĀ tjĀ ledĀ himĀ toĀ sit.Ā heĀ didnātĀ meanĀ to,Ā butĀ howĀ couldĀ heĀ not?Ā evenĀ asĀ heĀ settledĀ besideĀ himĀ atĀ theĀ dinnerĀ table,Ā notĀ across,Ā closeĀ enoughĀ forĀ theirĀ shouldersĀ toĀ brushāheĀ stared.
tjāsĀ profileĀ caughtĀ theĀ yellow-ishĀ lightĀ ofĀ theĀ diningĀ room.Ā theĀ sharpĀ lineĀ ofĀ hisĀ jaw,Ā hisĀ nose,Ā theĀ wayĀ hisĀ eyesĀ narrowedĀ slightlyĀ asĀ heĀ reachedĀ forĀ theĀ rice.Ā beauĀ drankĀ itĀ allĀ inĀ withĀ theĀ kindĀ ofĀ hungerĀ thatĀ hadĀ nothingĀ toĀ doĀ withĀ foodālikeĀ aĀ manĀ starved,Ā finallyĀ allowedĀ toĀ tasteĀ again.Ā becauseĀ heĀ wasĀ starved.Ā eightĀ years.Ā eightĀ wholeĀ yearsĀ ofĀ lookingĀ atĀ photographs.Ā ofĀ rewatchingĀ videosĀ onĀ oldĀ phonesĀ andĀ laptops,Ā pressingĀ playĀ overĀ andĀ overĀ againĀ justĀ toĀ hearĀ hisĀ laughĀ oneĀ moreĀ time,Ā toĀ catchĀ aĀ glimpseĀ ofĀ himĀ alive.Ā eightĀ yearsĀ ofĀ settlingĀ forĀ memoriesĀ thatĀ fadedĀ fasterĀ eachĀ year.
theĀ realĀ tjĀ wasĀ here,Ā skinĀ andĀ breathĀ andĀ pulseĀ andĀ present.
beauĀ blinked,Ā toreĀ hisĀ gazeĀ awayĀ onlyĀ longĀ enoughĀ toĀ scoopĀ riceĀ ontoĀ hisĀ plate.Ā heĀ movedĀ slowly,Ā cautiously,Ā likeĀ evenĀ theĀ soundĀ ofĀ theĀ spoonĀ scrapingĀ againstĀ theĀ ceramicĀ mightĀ beĀ enoughĀ toĀ breakĀ theĀ illusionĀ andĀ sendĀ himĀ hurlingĀ backĀ toĀ whereverāwheneverāheĀ wasĀ meantĀ toĀ be.Ā theĀ garlicĀ riceĀ wasĀ hot,Ā freshlyĀ made.Ā goldenĀ bitsĀ clungĀ toĀ theĀ grains.Ā itĀ smelledĀ likeĀ home.Ā heĀ reachedĀ forĀ theĀ eggsāsunnyĀ sideĀ up,Ā theĀ yolkĀ justĀ aĀ littleĀ runny,Ā justĀ theĀ wayĀ heĀ likedĀ them.Ā hadĀ tjĀ rememberedĀ that?Ā hadĀ heĀ everĀ forgotten?Ā then,Ā heĀ tookĀ aĀ sliceĀ ofĀ chorizo,Ā cutĀ itĀ carefullyĀ intoĀ neatĀ littleĀ coins,Ā andĀ addedĀ itĀ toĀ hisĀ plate.Ā hisĀ spoonĀ movedĀ onĀ instinctārice,Ā egg,Ā sausage,Ā everythingĀ inĀ oneĀ bite.
andĀ thenāheĀ tastedĀ it.
god.Ā itĀ wasĀ good.Ā soĀ goodĀ itĀ nearlyĀ knockedĀ theĀ breathĀ outĀ ofĀ him.Ā notĀ justĀ becauseĀ ofĀ theĀ flavours,Ā butĀ becauseĀ itĀ tastedĀ likeĀ memory.Ā likeĀ theĀ morningsĀ theyĀ usedĀ toĀ share.Ā likeĀ breakfastsĀ withĀ bareĀ feetĀ brushingĀ beneathĀ theĀ table.Ā likeĀ love,Ā tuckedĀ intoĀ everyĀ grainĀ ofĀ rice,Ā everyĀ slicedĀ chorizoĀ andĀ mugsĀ ofĀ hotĀ cocoa.
tearsĀ prickedĀ atĀ theĀ cornersĀ ofĀ hisĀ eyes.Ā heĀ blinkedĀ themĀ awayĀ quickly,Ā hopingĀ tjĀ didnātĀ notice.Ā heĀ didnātĀ deserveĀ this.Ā andĀ yetĀ hereĀ heĀ was,Ā savouringĀ everyĀ secondĀ likeĀ itĀ mightĀ beĀ rippedĀ awayĀ atĀ anyĀ moment.Ā although...Ā thisĀ wasnātĀ theĀ kindĀ ofĀ thingĀ youĀ dreamedĀ about.Ā youĀ didnātĀ dreamĀ aboutĀ eatingĀ foodĀ andĀ beingĀ ableĀ toĀ tasteĀ everyĀ singleĀ bite.
tjĀ hadĀ madeĀ chorizoĀ forĀ himĀ once.Ā beauĀ rememberedĀ itĀ withĀ stupidĀ clarity.Ā backĀ then,Ā heādĀ burntĀ itĀ toĀ aĀ crisp.Ā beauĀ ateĀ itābecauseĀ tjĀ tried.Ā andĀ nowāalthoughĀ cookedĀ certainlyĀ better,Ā thisĀ tastedĀ likeĀ theĀ sameĀ loveĀ andĀ effortĀ tjĀ hadĀ givenĀ backĀ then.
heĀ hadĀ alwaysĀ doneĀ thatĀ forĀ him,Ā hadn'tĀ he?Ā inĀ theĀ littleĀ ways.Ā inĀ burntĀ foodĀ andĀ haphazardĀ kissesĀ andĀ hisĀ voiceĀ inĀ theĀ earlyĀ morningsĀ whining:Ā '10Ā moreĀ minutes'.Ā beauĀ sniffled,Ā eyesĀ burningĀ asĀ heĀ reachedĀ forĀ anotherĀ spoonful.Ā heĀ didnātĀ evenĀ realiseĀ howĀ quicklyĀ heĀ wasĀ eatingĀ untilĀ heĀ glancedĀ downĀ andĀ sawĀ hisĀ plateĀ half-empty.Ā heĀ slowed,Ā justĀ barely,Ā wipingĀ hisĀ noseĀ withĀ theĀ backĀ ofĀ hisĀ hand.
āangĀ sarap,āĀ heĀ whisperedĀ wetly.Ā itĀ trulyĀ was.Ā heĀ hadnātĀ tastedĀ thisĀ inĀ years.Ā andĀ someĀ partĀ ofĀ himĀ stillĀ couldnātĀ believeĀ heĀ wasĀ here,Ā tastingĀ itĀ again.Ā becauseĀ itĀ feltĀ likeĀ everythingĀ heĀ lostĀ hadĀ beenĀ givenĀ backĀ toĀ himāifĀ onlyĀ forĀ aĀ moment.Ā ākailanĀ kaĀ paĀ natutongĀ magluto,Ā ha?ā
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the Ā realization Ā that Ā sanguk Ā has Ā been Ā overthinking Ā everything Ā leaves Ā him Ā quiet. Ā blairās Ā laugh Ā rings Ā through Ā the Ā micā Ā light, Ā amused, Ā as Ā if Ā sanguk Ā had Ā just Ā asked Ā the Ā most Ā ridiculous Ā question Ā ( Ā which, Ā in Ā hindsight, Ā maybe Ā he Ā did Ā ). Ā heat Ā rushes Ā to Ā his Ā cheeks, Ā blooming Ā with Ā a Ā mix Ā of Ā embarrassment Ā and Ā regret. Ā but Ā even Ā with Ā that Ā shame Ā curling Ā in Ā his Ā chest, Ā he Ā doesnāt Ā regret Ā saying Ā it. Ā because Ā at Ā least Ā now, Ā itās Ā out Ā there. Ā at Ā least Ā now, Ā silence Ā wonāt Ā sit Ā between Ā them Ā for Ā hoursā Ā or Ā worse, Ā days.
his Ā old Ā self Ā wouldāve Ā never Ā dared Ā to Ā speak. Ā the Ā old Ā sanguk Ā wouldāve Ā buried Ā the Ā jealousy Ā so Ā deep Ā it Ā wouldāve Ā started Ā to Ā rot. Ā he Ā wouldāve Ā ghosted Ā blair Ā for Ā a Ā few Ā days, Ā claiming Ā he Ā was Ā busy, Ā until Ā the Ā feeling Ā passed. Ā until Ā it Ā didnāt Ā matter Ā anymore. Ā but Ā now, Ā he Ā knows Ā better. Ā silence Ā ruins Ā things Ā faster Ā than Ā confrontation Ā ever Ā could. Ā and Ā blair Ā deserves Ā more Ā than Ā a Ā quiet Ā retreat. Ā so Ā yes, Ā even Ā if Ā the Ā question Ā sounded Ā stupid, Ā even Ā if Ā he Ā looked Ā like Ā a Ā complete Ā idiot Ā for Ā asking Ā it, Ā heās Ā still Ā glad Ā he Ā did. Ā because Ā the Ā weight Ā on Ā his Ā chest? Ā it Ā lifts, Ā just Ā a Ā little.
he Ā doesnāt Ā answer Ā right Ā away. Ā just Ā focuses Ā on Ā the Ā road Ā ahead, Ā weaving Ā through Ā narrow Ā gaps Ā in Ā traffic Ā with Ā careful Ā precision. Ā itās Ā only Ā when Ā they Ā reach Ā a Ā red Ā light Ā that Ā he Ā finally Ā speaksā Ā softly, Ā almost Ā too Ā soft Ā for Ā anyone Ā else Ā to Ā hear, Ā if Ā not Ā for Ā the Ā mic Ā in Ā his Ā helmet. Ā ā Ā iām Ā selos Ā po. Ā ā Ā the Ā words Ā are Ā gentle, Ā barely Ā above Ā a Ā whisper. Ā but Ā blair Ā hears Ā them Ā clearly. Ā and Ā now Ā that Ā theyāre Ā out, Ā hanging Ā between Ā them Ā in Ā the Ā silence Ā that Ā follows, Ā another Ā wave Ā of Ā realization Ā washes Ā over Ā him.
he Ā shouldnāt Ā be Ā jealous. Ā not Ā when Ā heās Ā just Ā a Ā friend Ā now. Ā not Ā when Ā that Ā privilegeā Ā the Ā right Ā to Ā get Ā jealous, Ā to Ā ask, Ā to Ā care Ā in Ā that Ā kind Ā of Ā wayā Ā expired Ā the Ā day Ā blair Ā broke Ā up Ā with Ā him. Ā time Ā has Ā moved. Ā seasons Ā have Ā changed. Ā but Ā he Ā guesses Ā his Ā heart Ā never Ā really Ā caught Ā up. Ā he Ā swallows Ā hard, Ā trying Ā to Ā brush Ā it Ā off. Ā ā Ā itās Ā silly, Ā ā Ā he Ā murmurs. Ā ā Ā please Ā ignore Ā that. Ā ā
itĀ wasn'tĀ sillyĀ atĀ all. blairĀ hadnātĀ meantĀ toĀ laughānotĀ atĀ sanguk,Ā atĀ least.Ā itĀ hadĀ justĀ beenĀ hisĀ firstĀ instinct.Ā aĀ knee-jerkĀ reactionĀ toĀ somethingĀ soĀ unexpected.Ā butĀ now,Ā inĀ theĀ silenceĀ thatĀ followed,Ā blairĀ feltĀ aĀ littleĀ guilty.Ā andĀ soĀ theĀ restĀ ofĀ theĀ rideĀ wasĀ quietānotĀ heavy,Ā notĀ cold,Ā justĀ pensive.Ā introspective.Ā blairĀ didnātĀ speak.Ā didnātĀ evenĀ tryĀ toĀ makeĀ smallĀ talk.Ā heĀ simplyĀ wrappedĀ hisĀ armsĀ aroundĀ sangukāsĀ waistĀ aĀ littleĀ tighterĀ andĀ letĀ theĀ noiseĀ ofĀ theĀ cityĀ fillĀ inĀ theĀ silence.Ā theĀ windĀ sweptĀ atĀ hisĀ clothes,Ā coolĀ andĀ almostĀ cutting,Ā butĀ itĀ didĀ littleĀ toĀ calmĀ hisĀ nerves.Ā whyĀ hadĀ sangukĀ saidĀ that?Ā wasĀ itĀ deliberate?Ā hadĀ itĀ slippedĀ outĀ unintentionally?Ā andĀ ifĀ itĀ had,Ā ifĀ itĀ hadĀ trulyĀ beenĀ aĀ slip-up,Ā whyĀ didĀ itĀ stillĀ feelĀ likeĀ oneĀ ofĀ theĀ mostĀ honestĀ thingsĀ blairĀ hadĀ heardĀ fromĀ himĀ inĀ aĀ longĀ time? maybe,Ā blairĀ thought,Ā maybeĀ thisĀ wasĀ sangukĀ trying.Ā thisĀ wasĀ whatĀ effortĀ lookedĀ likeĀ forĀ someoneĀ whoĀ usedĀ toĀ keepĀ thingsĀ lockedĀ upĀ behindĀ silenceĀ andĀ nonchalance.Ā aĀ softĀ littleĀ nudgeĀ inĀ theĀ directionĀ ofĀ allĀ theĀ thingsĀ theyādĀ neverĀ saidĀ aloud.Ā anĀ offeringĀ wrappedĀ inĀ embarrassment.Ā andĀ wasnātĀ thatĀ whatĀ sangukĀ hadĀ promisedĀ toĀ give?Ā moreĀ honesty.Ā moreĀ openness.Ā andĀ evenĀ ifĀ heādĀ takenĀ itĀ backĀ aĀ secondĀ laterāevenĀ ifĀ heādĀ triedĀ toĀ brushĀ itĀ offāblairĀ knewĀ betterĀ now. howĀ couldĀ heĀ justĀ ignoreĀ that? theyĀ wereĀ almostĀ homeĀ now.Ā justĀ aĀ fewĀ minutesĀ away.Ā theĀ rideĀ wasĀ tooĀ shortātooĀ fast.Ā whenĀ sangukĀ finallyĀ pulledĀ upĀ outsideĀ hisĀ house,Ā blairĀ gotĀ offĀ wordlessly.Ā heĀ didnātĀ waitĀ forĀ sangukĀ toĀ removeĀ hisĀ helmetĀ thisĀ time.Ā heĀ didĀ itĀ himself,Ā runningĀ aĀ handĀ throughĀ hisĀ flattenedĀ hairĀ beforeĀ turningĀ toĀ faceĀ sangukĀ properly. āfriendsĀ langĀ poĀ kami.āĀ itĀ cameĀ outĀ gentle.Ā soothing.Ā somethingĀ tender,Ā theĀ sortĀ ofĀ toneĀ heĀ onlyĀ everĀ usedĀ whenĀ heĀ wasĀ tryingĀ toĀ coaxĀ sangukĀ outĀ ofĀ sulking.Ā andĀ justĀ likeĀ that,Ā itĀ feltĀ likeĀ theyĀ wereĀ backĀ inĀ universityĀ againāblairĀ reaching,Ā bridgingĀ theĀ uncertainty.Ā onlyĀ now,Ā sangukĀ didn'tĀ reallyĀ needĀ theĀ coaxing.Ā andĀ itĀ wasnātĀ blairĀ doingĀ allĀ theĀ asking.Ā thisĀ time,Ā sangukĀ wasĀ theĀ oneĀ openingĀ up,Ā andĀ blairĀ wasnātĀ goingĀ toĀ laugh.Ā heĀ wasnātĀ goingĀ toĀ makeĀ himĀ feelĀ smallĀ orĀ sillyĀ forĀ it.Ā heĀ steppedĀ forwardĀ slowly,Ā hesitatingĀ justĀ longĀ enoughĀ toĀ meetĀ sangukāsĀ eyes,Ā thenĀ reachedĀ outĀ andĀ tookĀ bothĀ ofĀ hisĀ hands.Ā āandĀ itāsĀ notĀ sillyĀ po.āĀ blairĀ said,Ā theĀ cornersĀ ofĀ hisĀ mouthĀ pushingĀ intoĀ aĀ smallĀ pout.Ā ājinuāsĀ justĀ aĀ friendĀ fromĀ work,Ā okay?Ā strictlyĀ platonic.ā
a Ā soft Ā chuckle Ā slips Ā from Ā sangukās Ā lips Ā at Ā blairās Ā sarcastic Ā jab. Ā he Ā knows Ā itās Ā not Ā just Ā a Ā jokeā Ā thereās Ā a Ā sting Ā beneath Ā the Ā humor, Ā a Ā sharp Ā edge Ā meant Ā to Ā cut. Ā but Ā thatās Ā okay. Ā sanguk Ā has Ā learned Ā to Ā accept Ā whatever Ā side Ā comments Ā blair Ā throws Ā his Ā way Ā if Ā it Ā means Ā letting Ā some Ā of Ā that Ā anger Ā out. Ā if Ā it Ā helps Ā him Ā bleed Ā out Ā the Ā resentment Ā little Ā by Ā little Ā until Ā thereās Ā nothing Ā left Ā to Ā feel.
and Ā besides⦠ heās Ā not Ā wrong. Ā mothers Ā really Ā do Ā know Ā best.
his Ā own Ā mom Ā saw Ā it Ā from Ā the Ā startā Ā how Ā much Ā blair Ā had Ā changed Ā him. Ā how Ā much Ā heād Ā taught Ā him, Ā about Ā love Ā and Ā life Ā and Ā all Ā the Ā things Ā sanguk Ā didnāt Ā know Ā how Ā to Ā handle Ā back Ā then. Ā still Ā struggles Ā with Ā now. Ā but Ā when Ā blair Ā speaks Ā again, Ā something Ā in Ā sanguk Ā stills. Ā the Ā mention Ā of Ā meeting Ā herā Ā his Ā momā Ā makes Ā him Ā pause Ā mid-breath.
he Ā always Ā meant Ā to Ā introduce Ā blair Ā to Ā his Ā family. Ā he Ā just Ā kept Ā putting Ā it Ā off. Ā not Ā because Ā he Ā didnāt Ā want Ā toā Ā god Ā knows Ā he Ā didā Ā but Ā because Ā he Ā knew Ā how Ā nosy Ā his Ā mom Ā could Ā be. Ā how Ā she Ā had Ā a Ā habit Ā of Ā pushing Ā too Ā hard, Ā saying Ā things Ā that Ā made Ā people Ā squirm. Ā she Ā wouldāve Ā seen Ā through Ā him Ā in Ā a Ā heartbeat, Ā seen Ā every Ā crack Ā he Ā tried Ā to Ā hide Ā behind Ā his Ā cool Ā exterior. Ā maybe Ā even Ā tried Ā to Ā fix Ā him. Ā that Ā used Ā to Ā terrify Ā him. Ā but Ā sitting Ā here Ā now, Ā in Ā blairās Ā dining Ā room Ā after Ā being Ā welcomed Ā in Ā by Ā his Ā mother, Ā sanguk Ā realizes Ā something: Ā maybe Ā their Ā moms Ā arenāt Ā all Ā that Ā different. Ā maybe Ā she Ā wouldnāt Ā have Ā pressured Ā blair Ā into Ā anything Ā uncomfortable. Ā and Ā blair? Ā blair Ā would Ā never Ā let Ā himself Ā be Ā pushed Ā around Ā like Ā that. Ā he Ā shouldāve Ā known Ā better.
so, Ā he Ā smilesā Ā a Ā little Ā sad, Ā a Ā little Ā hopeful. Ā ā Ā you Ā could, Ā ā Ā he Ā says Ā softly. Ā ā Ā itās Ā not Ā too Ā late. Ā ā Ā the Ā words Ā feel Ā strange, Ā maybe Ā even Ā ridiculous, Ā considering Ā where Ā they Ā stand. Ā they're Ā not Ā together. Ā not Ā anymore. Ā but Ā stillā Ā he Ā offers. Ā ā Ā i Ā know Ā itās Ā weird, Ā ā Ā he Ā admits, Ā eyes Ā flickering Ā away. Ā ā Ā but⦠ since Ā weāre Ā starting Ā over. Ā as Ā friends. Ā ā Ā he Ā breathes Ā out, Ā steadying Ā himself Ā before Ā continuing. Ā ā Ā maybe Ā i Ā can Ā pick Ā you Ā up Ā sometime. Ā when Ā youāre Ā free. Ā weāll Ā visit Ā our Ā house. Ā i Ā can Ā introduce Ā you Ā to Ā mom,Ā Ā myĀ Ā parentsā Ā if Ā you Ā still Ā want Ā that. Ā ā Ā he Ā looks Ā back Ā at Ā him Ā now, Ā gaze Ā open, Ā vulnerable. Ā ā Ā iām Ā pretty Ā sure Ā she Ā still Ā wants Ā to Ā meet Ā you. Ā and Ā sheāll Ā be Ā excited. Ā happy Ā to Ā know Ā our Ā paths Ā crossed Ā again. Ā ā Ā a Ā beat. Ā ā Ā so, Ā ā Ā he Ā says Ā gently, Ā ā Ā what Ā do Ā you Ā say? Ā ā
blairĀ wasĀ gladĀ heādĀ beenĀ chewingĀ slowly.Ā ifĀ heĀ hadnātĀ been,Ā heĀ wasĀ fairlyĀ certainĀ heĀ wouldāveĀ choked.Ā maybeĀ evenĀ diedĀ rightĀ thereĀ atĀ theĀ dinnerĀ table,Ā withĀ riceĀ andĀ shrimpĀ stuckĀ inĀ hisĀ throat,Ā allĀ becauseĀ sangukĀ hadĀ casuallyĀ droppedĀ theĀ ideaĀ ofĀ introducingĀ himĀ toĀ hisĀ parents. becauseā¦Ā what? blairĀ blinked,Ā staredĀ downĀ atĀ hisĀ plateĀ likeĀ itĀ mightĀ offerĀ himĀ answers,Ā andĀ triedĀ notĀ toĀ letĀ theĀ surpriseĀ fullyĀ showĀ onĀ hisĀ face.Ā itĀ wasĀ weird.Ā thisĀ wasĀ weird,Ā right?Ā invitingĀ yourĀ ex-boyfriendĀ toĀ meetĀ yourĀ familyĀ forĀ noĀ reasonĀ atĀ all.Ā notĀ evenĀ underĀ theĀ guiseĀ ofĀ closureĀ orĀ someĀ halfwayĀ convincingĀ excuse.Ā justā¦Ā dinner.Ā whatĀ theĀ fuckĀ wereĀ theyĀ doing? thenĀ again,Ā heĀ wasnātĀ reallyĀ oneĀ toĀ talk.Ā heādĀ letĀ sangukĀ intoĀ hisĀ home,Ā letĀ himĀ sitĀ besideĀ himĀ atĀ theĀ dinnerĀ table,Ā letĀ himĀ haveĀ dinnerĀ withĀ hisĀ parentsĀ likeĀ nothingĀ everĀ happened,Ā likeĀ itĀ wasnātĀ painfullyĀ awkward.Ā likeĀ theyĀ hadnātĀ goneĀ yearsĀ withoutĀ speaking.Ā butĀ inĀ blairāsĀ defence,Ā itĀ wasnātĀ asĀ ifĀ heĀ hadĀ muchĀ ofĀ aĀ choice.Ā hisĀ motherĀ hadĀ takenĀ oneĀ lookĀ atĀ sangukĀ standingĀ onĀ theirĀ doorstepĀ andĀ welcomedĀ himĀ inĀ likeĀ heādĀ neverĀ left,Ā andĀ blairĀ hadnātĀ beenĀ cruelĀ enoughĀ toĀ turnĀ himĀ away.Ā evenĀ ifĀ hisĀ nervesĀ wereĀ frayedĀ fromĀ theĀ momentĀ theĀ frontĀ doorĀ closed. itĀ wasĀ allĀ soĀ bizarre.Ā sittingĀ besideĀ sangukĀ inĀ thisĀ house,Ā eatingĀ aĀ mealĀ likeĀ thisĀ wasĀ someĀ casualĀ catch-upĀ insteadĀ ofĀ theĀ walkingĀ emotionalĀ minefieldĀ itĀ actuallyĀ was.Ā andĀ now,Ā onĀ topĀ ofĀ that,Ā meetingĀ hisĀ parents?Ā itĀ wasnātĀ thatĀ blairĀ didnātĀ wantĀ to.Ā heĀ did.Ā heĀ reallyĀ did.Ā heādĀ alwaysĀ wantedĀ toĀ meetĀ sangukāsĀ family,Ā backĀ whenĀ theyĀ wereĀ stillĀ togetherābackĀ whenĀ itĀ mightāveĀ actuallyĀ madeĀ sense.Ā heādĀ daydreamedĀ aboutĀ whatĀ dessertĀ heādĀ bring,Ā whatĀ heādĀ wear,Ā whatĀ impressionĀ heādĀ leaveĀ behind. andĀ now,Ā hereĀ theyĀ were.Ā theĀ inviteĀ finallyĀ offered.Ā yearsĀ tooĀ late,Ā totallyĀ backwards.Ā and⦠blairĀ stillĀ wantedĀ toĀ go.Ā maybeĀ thatĀ wasĀ theĀ worstĀ part?Ā orĀ theĀ mostĀ telling.Ā becauseĀ blairĀ stillĀ wantedĀ toĀ beĀ partĀ ofĀ sangukāsĀ life,Ā evenĀ ifĀ itĀ meantĀ startingĀ againĀ likeĀ this:Ā careful,Ā tentative,Ā andĀ uncertain.Ā heĀ clearedĀ hisĀ throat,Ā triedĀ toĀ shakeĀ theĀ shockĀ fromĀ hisĀ system,Ā andĀ placedĀ hisĀ spoonĀ downĀ gentlyĀ againstĀ theĀ sideĀ ofĀ hisĀ plate.Ā āiāmĀ alwaysĀ freeĀ forĀ dinner,āĀ heĀ said,Ā carefully.Ā āafterĀ school.Ā justā¦Ā um.Ā sabihinĀ moĀ langĀ sa'kin.Ā inĀ advance.āĀ soĀ heĀ couldĀ mentallyĀ prepare.Ā soĀ heĀ couldĀ maybeĀ tryĀ notĀ toĀ spiralĀ theĀ nightĀ before.Ā soĀ heĀ couldĀ figureĀ outĀ whatĀ toĀ wearāgenuinely,Ā thisĀ time.Ā āsameĀ parinĀ baĀ numberĀ mo?ā