Be still my little heart

I've cut off ties with a girl friend of mine. Besides that fact that she is a flake the majority of the time, she has a very grim view of modern relationships.

(This is no teenage rant by the way, we're both grown women in our 30s.)

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My ex friend remarked that she doesn't believe in marriage. This is fine by me, everyone is entitled to their point of view. But she also added that whenever she sees couples on the street or meeting couples in social situation, she doesn't believe that those people are truly happy. She said as-a-matter-of-fact that they probably fight behind closed doors, and that they are just putting up a front in public. In addition, whenever she sees weddings at the park/public venues, she would mutter that "they won't last long".

We both have mutual friends who are married. I retorted that she is putting down married couples everyhere. We argued about this in the car.

A large reason I don't feel like hanging with her anymore is that I'm in a relationship myself. I want my relationship to work. I don't want all the negativity hanging around. It is so ironic--she is single and she goes on dates with people she meets online all the time. She is outgoing, has a large group of friends/network, and is not shy. Yet her grim view is preventing her from forming a meaning relationship with a guy.

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Tonight I'm re-reading everything I wrote about US. I needed some reminder on why we are together.

The Guy has been great so far. In fact, he even get into a mini debate on why he is a better guy than some some fictional TV character whom I have a crush on. It almost seems cute...

But he has some not so great qualities and silly habits that absolutely bother me. Some days I thought about if these habits would get in the way of our relationship. For example, he likes to tickle me, a lot. He also likes to squeeze my knee while he drives, lean in to lick my nose while watching TV, or pretend to kiss my hand or nose but he actually ends up licking them, gnawing on my arm like a puppy, tickle the underside of my knee....in short, tons of physical stuff that is uncomfortable for me. Sometime I retaliate, but to him it is an invitation to a tickle fight. I avoid that because he is physically strong and there's no way I would win.

I've told him repeatedly to stop, I can't enjoy the movie with all this stupid tickling and joint squeezing going on. Some nights he behaves, but on other nights it is so relentless that I was thoroughly annoyed and grumpy.

Is any of this fucking normal?

There are many times I think I might just end it with him. And when my girlfriends ask why, I would tell them it was the tickling and licking.

And then it just sounds stupid.

Why am I so bother by this? Am I such a serious person or is my Guy a immature 8 yr old inside? I know he has ADD, he might not be able to keep his hands still, but by god does he have to take it out on my poor body?

We've had talked about this subject in the past. I know this is just his way to show affection and being playful. By the way he does a similar thing to his cat (poor kitty). He promised he would dial it back.

And then there are days when he forget what we talk about. Tonight is such night. We watch one of his favorite show and I just can't be still with his stupid antics. To top it off I'm still fighting off this cough and my poor body jerks and trigger off series of coughs. 

That's right, my boyfriend is an ass tonight. I'm kinda sick and he does nothing to help. In fact, his stupid habit makes me feel more miserable and I'm consorting to tumblr to vent.

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Have you ever say the wrong thing to your boyfriend/girlfriend? I really don't know if I'm just insensitive or if my boyfriend is being insecure, or both... Boyfriend could be insecured about his looks sometimes. He was considering getting braces. We texted each other discussing the pros and cons. I've had it done when I was in my 20s and I was sharing my experience. Honestly, his teeth is not bad at all, but I guess any dentists would tell you that you could use braces. Towards the end, I joking ended the conversation by saying that I love him anyway with or without crooked teeth. He did not take it well. He said no one ever said that his teeth is crooked. 

Well damn, I didn't know he was mad. Was he overreacting? Was my comment insensitive? Should I have added extra smileys in my text message? I hate modern communication sometimes.

A casual friend of mine found out her boyfriend of 2 years cheated on her. I don't have all the details, but I heard that her boyfriend has a bit of a wondering eye and has kept his online dating profile active for a short time when they were together.

Answer (1 of 53): One day, about 15 years ago, I was planning a trip to Six Flags with my cousin and her boyfriend. Since they were worried about me not having someone to sit next to on the rides, they decided to set me up with a friend of theirs. I met him the night before our 'big fun day' - ...

What happens to a country when its young people stop having sex? Japan is finding out… Abigail Haworth investigates

So much has happened since I last wrote. 

I agreed to meet my Ex last Thursday to see how we feel. I can tell this arrangement has lifted his spirits tremendously. He suggested a sushi place by his house. I said there's no guarantee, but in some way I knew what I wanted. I suggested on going dutch because I can't say what will happen but he insisted on treating me dinner. 

It was really awkward at first. He wanted to meet early so we can talk. We walked to the local park. We started with small talk, then he gingerly approached the subject of us. He was really nervous--his bottom lip was quivering. Being an emotionally stunted person that I am, I was slow to reciprocate any friendly gesture and was way too calm in my demeanor. We sat side by side, discussed what was said in our emails and texts. He thought I wasn't seriously about the relationship. He felt I was keeping a distance. I didn't see him as a sure thing because I felt like we weren't bonding. With everything out in the open, we know that we essentially want the same thing, marriage, kid(s), and be by each other's sides. We agree to communicate better. We are going to give this another go. We haven't given our all yet and we should fight for a second chance.

I did promised him that one thing he asked--no matter what happens, that I will give him a long hug. I decided to give him one as we were standing at the parking lot in front of the sushi place. I placed my arms around him, just feeling his body against mine, his head on my shoulder, his rhythmic breathing, his scent, and his embrace. Now I can be totally romantic and say that time stood still, it was the greatest moment of my life, we love each other forever blah blah blah. All I remember was the light breeze on my face, his warm embrace, the sounds of other cars, and that I am giving myself permission in the name of love.

I've had the head over heels, can't breath without you kind of love when I was younger. And when I met the him I didn't have the same butterflies. All this time I doubted the relationship and our compatibility. Now I can see that he did loved me, and still does, I know there's no other in the world who will cherish me the way that he will. And I do love him, just a little less school girl kinda way.

There were less pressure during dinner. We talked about what we did during our time apart. He was much more affectionate that he ever was in public. And we joked a little, talked more freely. We headed back to his house to hang. We hugged, he was nervous again. I felt his rapid beating heart. We touch foreheads, and slowly we kissed. A few tears betrayed me and rolled down my cheek. He was tender and kissed those tears away. 

We talked some more on the couch. For the first time in many months, I was really having a heart to heart. This is what I had wanted, bonding and talking with an open heart. We made love that night, ok twice. It was everything making love should be--tender, unselfish, engaging, receptive, connecting. I teared up a bit and he responded with gentle kisses down my face. 

It seems like never married single women, especially those in my age bracket (early 30s and up), tell themselves that marriage is not all that cracked up to be. We are constantly looking for dates, meeting men and wanting relationships, but we also comfort ourselves with stories of so-and-so who are trapped in doomed marriages. We are glad that we are not involved in such toxic relationships.

I hung with some new friends last night. One of the women told us that she used to cry on her birthday every year since she turns 30. She lamented that she isn't in any relationship, doesn't have any kids or doesn't have a family of her own. Immediately our group consoled her with stories of unhappy married couples and cheaters  She is gonna turn 40 soon and she told us she didn't cry at her last birthday, we drank to that.

Yesterday I wrote a letter explaining my side, my reasons for the relationship not working out. The floodgate opened. At first my Ex was spiteful and condescending in his reply, giving me advice for my next relationship, telling me I'm in some bubble of illusion. He thinks I'm blaming him for the failed relationship. The whole time we either texted or emailed. I blame modern technology for this kind of non personal communication, because I wasn't trying to be mean in my letter. The reason he broke up with me is because he thought I'm not serious about the relationship. Now that I have a little more than a month to think about things, I concluded that he is not right for me because are probably too different and we never had a strong bond to begin with.

We told each other how we really felt. We both missed each other, though I played it quite well and had him convinced that I don't give a shit anymore. There were many days when I didn't cry and was able to carry on doing whatever I usually do. But in some way I feel damaged, and I told myself that everything is still fresh and I need more time to feel like my original self again.

We softened a little, he said he was sorry for the mean things he wrote. He said that maybe if I hate him then I can get over him faster. But I don't do hate, when I read all the spiteful stuff he wrote I felt so done with him. I regretted communicating with him once last time. I was merely giving him a chance to express anything else he didn't get to.

I wrote one last text, saying it's hard for me to carry on the conversation any longer, saying goodbye to him forever. I kept looking at it but it took me forever to send. I sobbed hard as I sent it. There's no resentments and no spite between us anymore. There wasn't any indication that he wants to work on the relationship either, so I sent.

And he wrote back saying that the only reason he even continue to talk was in hope for a second chance. Fuck, what now? 

I replied, yes, it's painful because there's always that slim possibility. And the possibility is toying with my emotions, creating fantasies that hurt. It felt like being in limbo, will we ever? Could it be salvaged? Am I too emotionally stunned? Will I regret it if I were to never give it a second chance? There's so much confusion. Am I needy if I feel like getting back is the answer? We've said goodbyes more than once now, and yet we kept the conversation going, feeling around to see if there's any shred of last hopes left.

"... just not one to give up without a fight"

Oh Tumblr, where do I even begin....

Today is like the second worst day of my life, second to the day my Ex broke up with me.

I signed up for a singles meetup thing today, not a huge deal, just a small group of 25 to 30 men and women making introductions and hanging out at a coffee shop. I just want to make some new friends. I received a message from my girlfriend--she basically relayed a message from my Ex, asking if it's ok for him to attend the same event. I said no, it would be awkward for both of us to be there. He then whined about how we should be able to share the meetups, that he needs to get out and meet people too...blah blah blah. Then it dawned on me that he was trying to sabotage my outing. He knew that I would bow out once he insists on going. And if I go anyway, I might meet him, which is something that I think he wants. 

I really wanted to make sure we are on No Contact, but I have to relieve my poor girlfriend and let him text me himself. More text conversation ensue. I don't know if he really got the closure he wants. I've re-read the texts and it seems like he didn't get to express himself fully on the day we broke up. But any conversation with him made me cried, even if it was just text. I'm not sure if he knew, he thought I was being angry. In some way I was, but I was also very sad. It felt like I was reliving the breakup. 

He made it sounds as if the failed relationship is my fault. He said he put in 100% and basically insinuated that I put up walls around myself. He made me felt bad for the whole day. I think I need to write him a letter explaining exactly why we are not gonna work.

Last night I went to someone's home for a wine and cheese party. It was an meetup event and it was pretty low key. I did met a guy who could potentially give me some business. His boss needed someone to do the Hanukkah party invitations this year and I told him I about my graphic design work. Business card was exchanged and voila, a connection was made.

I left pretty early, about 10:30pm (am I old or what). Right after I got home I got a FB message from The Ex. He basically said he wondered if the relationship did not progressed as he had hope because he wasn't forward enough, and that he thought I was an amazing person. He said now I set the bar pretty high for anyone he might meet in the future, and that he hopes he is not making a mistake for letting me go.