Have we considered that between Ilya Slavanov and Mr. Autism 3000 this is probably how they look to the outside world even when they're as happy as can be đ

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@louis-arssets
Have we considered that between Ilya Slavanov and Mr. Autism 3000 this is probably how they look to the outside world even when they're as happy as can be đ

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Rolex invites Shane to the Royal Box at Wimbledon again and this time Shane accepts because Rolex specifically asked if he could bring his husband as well and fuck yes he can and together Ilya and Shane are ready to serve so much cunt. They both get dressed in some sharp, elevated summer suits, Ilya in Versace and Shane in Gucci, the dramatic sunglasses & the bitchiest, judgiest mogging are ON, they mirror each other as they cross their legs; occasionally they're holding hands or sit with Ilya's arm around Shanes waist, they are the epitome of power husbands & this is their playground. Do they have one clue what is going on on the court? Of course not. That doesn't stop them from having a fabulous time showing off each other. They know they steal the limelight looking as devastating as they do, together. Turns out these dreadful PR appointments are actually incredible fun when you have your husband/best friend/soulmate with you and Shane can't imagine how he ever did this without Ilya.
Now picture this, occasionally they whisper into each other's ears, sometimes its just sweet nothings and sometimes it's some devastating chirps about tennis, and each time a precious smile breaks through, only for each other, but it drives the photographers wild.
(afterwards, Ilya is excited to have the perfect summer with Shane where they fuck their way across europe)
I think Ilya deserves to spend multiple afternoons wrapped in a blanket, curled up half on Shaneâs lap, snuggled into his chest, with one of Shaneâs arms wrapped around his waist and the other hand nestled in his curls, gently scratching at his head in a way that lulls him to a sweet doze, secure in the knowledge that he is beloved and safe
Shane Hollander post coming out mic'd up slinging the most cutting, vicious, objectively true comments about his opponents' play styles and hockey prowess, always delivered in his most serious deadpan captain voice that betrays zero personal attachment to the results of whatever scathing advice he's giving out. He never uses players' names either, just numbers. It drives the rest of the league fucking insane.
Some examples of Shane chirps that cause full-on brawls while he skates cleanly away to go chug designer electrolyte saline solution by the bench with his delighted husband:
"Hey Number 56 if you practiced your footwork more you could catch up to me and look me in the eye while calling me slurs"
"Hey 34 your team might have a shot at winning something next year without you so if you want to be a real team player then consider quitting"
"Hey bud, ice is pretty slippery and hurts to fall on so maybe consider learning how to skate before getting on the rink next time"
"Hey 23 I know you'll always be one behind me but you could try a little harder not to take that literally every time we play"
And Ilya's personal all-time favorite that has him giggling and kicking his feet for weeks:
"I'd love to disrupt my usual style and throw something at you that's not objectively true, but all the best chirps already are so I'm out of good options :/"
after their relationship goes public, ilya finally sends shane all the selfies he's taken but could never send beforeâin the mirrors of road trip hotels, on his messy bed after shane leaves his house in ottawa, in shane's living room when shane wasn't paying attention, and so many moreâand shane saves all of them into a new, special album on his phone and tries not to cry.

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ilya is having sex with shane in all of his sports cars to decide which one heâs gonna take with him to ottawa cus the car where shane hits his strongest orgasm will be the winner. when it finally happens, shane is totally worn out, panting hard with his head against the glove box and ilya is kissing his back while caressing along his stomach and sometimes grabbing his chest and he goes âso this is the winner, yes?â and they both let out a breathless laugh and ilya pulls shane so that his back is against ilyaâs chest and he asks âwanna go again?â and shane just shakes his head and ilya goes âno? did i wear out my baby?â and shane nods and ilya kiss behind shaneâs ear and pats his head all gentle and goes âletâs go back inside then im gonna shower you and tuck you into bed and kiss you goodnightâ and shane just nods again, completely spent and ilya lifts him up just enough to finally pull out and they both groan at the sensitivity and then ilya gets out of the car and lift shane up in bridal style to carry him back inside, ready to shower him and put him to bed
During the post-cottage era when Ilya's still playing for Boston, Shane sends Ilya a text one night that's just like "Are you alone?"
And Ilya is like "No I'm out for drinks with the guys. Did you not see that we won, Hollander?"
And Shane texts back like "Of course I saw, that's why I'm texting." Then a few seconds later: "Download this app right now. Be discreet." with an app store link. And Ilya texts back like '??? 𤨠Shane, have you been hacked?'
And Shane is like 'Just download the fucking app, asshole. This is your reward. Username is Jane2481. Fucking HURRY.'
And when Ilya follows the link and finds out that it's the app that controls a vibrating butt plug, he nearly blacks out at the table before disappearing for a suspiciously long smoke break.
shane in the beginning of their official relationship being unsure of how to do casual intimacy because heâs used to only get it if itâs during sex or with the intent of turning into sex but now theyâre boyfriends and he doesnât always know how to navigate that so sometimes he will just đ§đťââď¸ in the middle of the room because he wants a smooch but heâs unsure of how to progress and he feels weird asking for it before eventually realizing that ilya is more than happy to indulge
Idk my one unshakable headcanon is that Ilya is the morning person. Yes he parties till god knows what hour and doesn't mind staying up late, but he also wakes up between 5:30 and 6:00 every morning like clockwork. It's a good thing too because it was key to living as peacefully as possible in his house growing up. And he doesn't hate getting his day going early. Unless he's deep in the depression. But even then, on days he can't get out of bed, he'll wake up around the same time and just lie there. It's habit at this point.
Shane, meanwhile, haaaaates mornings. He gets up at 5 every day for his first workout because he's Dedicated and Determined but he has to scrape himself off of his mattress each time, grumbling as he does. He hates the transition between sleeping and awake so fucking much, especially when it's rushed. David and Yuna developed so many creative ways of getting him up as gently as possible growing up. Part of why he loves going to his cottage so much is it's the one time of year where he doesn't have to set a crazy alarm. He can work out whenever he wants to in the day. If he sleeps in a bit he doesn't feel like he's letting anyone down. If Shane had no responsibilities? Man, he'd be sleeping in and napping as much as he could.
Whenever he and Ilya spend the night together, and certainly when they start living together, Shane gets woken up with a sweet kiss, a cup of coffee, and either breakfast in bed or pre-workout depending on if it's season or off.

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Fat toddler Hollanvling: *With her angry kitten face that she got from Shane, her nose scrunched, she has adorables freckles, messy blonde curls because she just woke up from her nap after running around with her dads at the cottage* Papa!đž
Ilya: *points at himself like ???*
Fat toddler Hollanvling: *grins* gimmie kiss đĽ°
Ilya wants to do one of these "celebraties I don't think my husband can name" videos where he shows different singers to Shane because he thinks it's just too adorable how Shane has no clue about the music industry at all, only for the video to go like this:
- Oh that's Gaga. You know Lady Gaga? Of course, Ilya! She was in A star is born. Really good actress. She is more of a singer actually... Oh yeah that makes sense, I guess. You guess?! Please tell me you know Poker Face, lyubimyy. I know for a fact you have been to a club, you must have heard Poker Face before. I don't know, maybe. [Ilya starts singing Poker Face]. You're lucky you play better hockey than you sing, baby. Oi!!
- Oh I know how him! That's Armando! That's Pitbull. I'm pretty sure that's a human? Are you fucking with me Shanya. Of course baby. I know that he is a rapper but it feels so weird to call him Pitbull, when we met in Miami he said he was Armando. You met in Miami?? Yeah well, was a few years ago, he invited our team to this house- Pitbull invited the Montreal boring fucking Metros to his fucking house???
- Kesha! Do you know her songs? Absolutely none, no. How the fuck- Why am I even suprised you know her too. Oh we met at Roses birthday party in LA. She is so funny, I think you would like her! Maybe I should introduce you. What the fuck- You know what, I call her. Shane!
- Oh that's Kayleigh right? Kayleigh. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's her. That's Chappell Roan. Dykstra is playing her non-stop in the lockerroom. Oh, really? Pink Pony Club? Good Luck, Babe? Casual? Sounds familiar yes. [Ilya starts singing Casual] [Shane blushes] I think... I think I remember now yeah. Didn't know that was Kayleigh. How do you know all these people but have no clue what they do? Oh funny story, she is a good friend of Rose actually-
- Oh, that's Sam! Sam Smith. I've been to a concert. Met backstage. Really cool person. Shanya, you're surprising me? You go to concerts? Well uhm. When... when I was with Rose she got us tickets and - Yeah okey.
- Montero! Or Lil Nas X. Shall I guess: Another friend of Rose? Maybe, I should ask her. Actually we did this campaign together and- I hate you.
- Oh thats the actress from the movie. The movie with all the actresses. Oceans Eight. That's Rihanna. Yeah! Rihanna. I really liked her there, she should do more movies. Shane, she is actually a singer. Oh, that's cool. You're killing me. What? Should I know her? Shane. Lyubimyy. We literally had our first dance to her song.
- That's Benito! Nice guy. You know Bad Bunny? Who is a bad bunny? That is Bad Bunny. Benito Antonio MartĂnez Ocasio. Okay yeah? He is literally the biggest singer in the world. Is he now? Yes! Oh, wow he didn't mention. Wait, you met Bad Bunny? Yeah, well we were at some galas together, but to be fair he said- Galas? Like how many? Dunno, like four, five times and- Ilya is your nose bleeding?
One thing that nearly always happens when you get at least two (2) athletes together (especially if they play a team sport) (especially, especially if they're hockey players) is that when they get excited, they celebrate like someone just scored a goal. They're jumping up and down, yelling, hugging, clapping each other on the back, pushing each other, jumping on each other, knocking themselves over, etc.
So I like to imagine Ilya and Shane doing this whenever something moderately exciting happens.
Ilya finally gets a recipe right that he's been working on for a week? Shane's tasting it and slamming Ilya against the pantry.
They beat a difficult level in their video game? That's a cup-winning level celebration that results in the couch nearly getting broken.
Shane passes his level 1 Russian language test? Ilya's jumping on him and knocking them both to the floor in celebration.
Anya tosses her ball up and it accidently lands in the decorative bowl on the coffee table? That's a goal and they're (gently) throwing themselves on the floor to celebrate with a very confused but very excited Anya.
On a completely unrelated note, they keep a strangely large amount of drywall repair materials and paint in their garage.
claws - hollanov - @taylorswiftmicrofic - word count: 312 - slightly NSFW - click here to see my microfic archive!
It was getting harder to say goodbye.
Shaneâd figured itâd be easier, once they were official. To part, knowing that there definitely was going to be a next time. But now? Now, it was excruciating. Because whenever he had to kiss Ilya goodbye, it was with the knowledge that Ilya belonged to him. That he was sending the most precious and fragile piece of his heart into the universe, unprotected, just praying that it would come back unscathed.
So yeah, maybe the last time theyâd said goodbye, heâd gotten carried away.
Caught up in the moment, the feeling of Ilya inside him, the need to be inside the other manâs very soul.
Heâd been loud. Groaning Ilyaâs name so raggedly that itâd pulled Ilya over the edge after him, pulling him closerclosercloser, refusing to let go even in the sticky aftermath.
But it was just unbearable. How much he fucking loved him.
But he didnât realize how needy heâd been until a text arrived on his phone the next day.
Unknown Number: Montreal Jane
He froze, shocked and a bit terrified.
Shane: Who is this? Unknown Number: Cliff Marleau Unknown Number: Damn girl Unknown Number: Look what you did
And then, a picture. An attached picture of Ilya in front of the mirror in what mustâve been the Raidersâ locker room, his torso bare. His expression in the reflection was electric, the uninhibited grin on his face lighting up the whole room.Â
But the best part?
The picture gave a clear view of long, possessive marks scratched down Ilyaâs sculpted back. Etched over his beautiful muscles and pressed into his perfect flesh, Shane had, in the heat of the moment, used his nails like claws, marking what was his.
Suddenly, he broke into a crazed grin that matched his boyfriendâs.
Shane: Looks good. Unknown Number: Fuck yeah. Hey you have any friends?

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After years of regular abuse to their bodies, Shane and Ilya have lots of aches and pains. One night, Shane awakes to a familiar pain in his hips, tendons and ligaments pulled too tight. He can feel the pain, starting at the top of his leg, where femur meets pelvis. Can feel it radiating out, throbbing, traveling down his nerves to rest in his knee. Feels it spread further, down to his ankle and into his toes.
Shane knows this pain, and he knows the only thing that will help is to stretch the muscle. Pushing through the pain, he bends his knee and plants one foot on the bed, hooking his other ankle over his knee. He laces his fingers behind his thigh and pulls, his ankle coming toward his chest, stretching the offending muscle and tendon and ligament. The pull on his hip burns, and Shane pulls hard enough to almost feel relief.
Shane tries to do his stretches without waking Ilya, knowing he went to bed late and had to be up early, but Shaneâs movement and unsteady breathing must have woken him, because suddenly Ilya is there. Strong, warm hands are stroking his hip and behind his thigh, helping push his ankle toward his chest.
âShhhhhh, is okay malysh, you are doing so goodâ.
Shane whimpers at the mixture of pain and pleasure flooding his body. Unable to say anything through the throbbing, pulsing feeling that had made a home in his body.
âI know, you are doing so good. Just a little bit more and I will get your heating pad for you.â
Starting at his ankle, Ilya presses light, lingering kisses along his legs, following the same path as the pain pulsing in his nerves. Once he reaches the top of Shaneâs hip, Ilya makes his way back down his leg, pressing sweet kisses to every inch along the way.
âLetâs switch sides now sweetheartâ
After they repeated the stretches on the other side, Ilya got up to plug in Shaneâs heating pads and arrange them on his aching muscles. Strong, warm hands massaged Shaneâs legs, pressing hard and dulling the throbbing sensation with a new, sharp pain. This kind of pain was good. It broke up the ever present ache in his hips and knees and ankles, made him feel like maybe the pain wouldnât last forever.
Afterward, with Shane in a position that doesnât disturb his heating pads and hurts his legs the least, his head tucked into Ilyaâs neck with his husbandâs warm, perfect hands caressing his head, Shane whispers into the darkness,
âThank youâ
Ilya looks down and kisses the top of Shaneâs head.
âOf course sweetheart. Wake me up if it gets bad againâ
âYa tebya lyublyuâ
âYa tebya lyublyuâ
Harris do his best as always