and i'm petrified

   When their foreheads touched, his eyes fell closed. The tall male’s chest still rose and fell with heavy breaths as his heart pounded. He was so pissed off, heartbroken, and confused. Maybe he couldn’t hurt Aylwin even if he tried, but was it his former lover he wanted to hurt or himself? Saulk didn’t know if he wanted to shove, hit, or kiss him. And he still had no idea why Aylwin was in his bar. “Yeah, I guess we did.” Of course he still loved him, and it felt like he was being goaded. When he was angry, it was rare the beta didn’t explode. In the extremely rare occasions he couldn’t, the only other way he could release the energy was through tears. They threatened to well in his eyes, and he’d be damned if he ever cried over Aylwin again. “So? Did you come just to twist the knife?”

Aylwin hadn’t expected to be this close to Saulk. He’d just come to check up on him. His heart was now beating much fast and his facial features had returned to normal, claws having retreated. “No. I, um, came to check on you. And then I got mad that you were ignoring me again,” he admitted. Maybe he occasionally acted a bit irrational and childish near the other. “I’m just as drawn to you as you are me...”

   Deep down a wolf growled and clawed at his insides, but Saulk kept it restrained as he turned to face Aylwin. He stepped close, their torsos pressed together, and stared into the vicious eyes nearly nose-to-nose. What few patrons were left in the bar urgently took their leave, which left the bartender staring the pair down across the room. There was plenty he could’ve said in that moment, all he’d regret later. Through gritted teeth he warned, “You’ll let go of me, if you want to keep that arm.”

While most omegas would have backed down, Aylwin was not most omegas. Submissive in bed? Perhaps. A good mother? Perhaps. Someone who backed down and was submissive in day to day life? Absolutely not. “You wouldn’t hurt me. You can’t, because you’re still in love with me.” He pressed his forehead to the other wolf’s. “We’ve both completely fucked up. Haven’t we?”

He nodded vigorously. Finding some good clothes might be a bit hard, but he would manage. “Because-” How was he supposed to answer that?! Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. “Because you know what you’re doing and, well, I want to be like you.”

Aylwin flicked the other’s forehead when he explained why and sighed. If Gray knew everything, he doubted he would have wanted to be like him. “You’ll end up rather disappointed with me if you continue that train of thought. My...ex-mate might have different views on that.” It hurt to say ex, but he’d screwed that up.

“Because more money is a good thing. Buying things is more legal than stealing them and you won’t give me lectures.” The fact that he had been trying to get something specific wasn’t relevant in his mind. 

“If you can come here and show me you can look put together and not like a bum, then I’ll consider it,” he decided. “I don’t know why you care if I lecture you though. I feel like most people dismiss me.”

   "Save your breath, Aylwin. I don’t have time for this bullshit.” Fingers raked back loose strands of hair, and tucked them behind his left ear. He didn’t know what the omega wanted, but he didn’t want to care anymore. Saulk took a few steps backward and was through the doorway. It was easier for him to forget when the two were apart, but completely avoiding him was impossible. He didn’t know what Ayl wanted, but he knew he didn’t have more energy to spare for the exchange. All the time he spent to make things work, change, and do whatever it took to save their relationship, felt like years of digging a grave for his heart. “Get the hell outta my bar.” He walked toward the stairs in the corner that led to the loft above the bar.

Now he was annoyed. His features changed as he partially transformed, eyes wild, claws and fangs, and he grabbed the other’s wrist with a growl. “Maybe if you were more open about how you felt, things would also have improved. It’s not your fault. I’m the one who gave birth, I was the one who should have been better about protecting him,” he huffed. “I’m not going anywhere and you can’t make me.”

   A hand rose and scratched his head after the whiskey was taken. Things were cold between them for a long time after the death of their pup, even after Saulk did everything he could think to fix whatever was wrong. Nothing needed said for him to blame himself for their loss, but the distance that grew between them only reinforced his feeling of guilt. He let their pup be murdered, then Aylwin pulled away until the two were practically strangers. “It’s my fault,” he yelled red-faced. “None of it’s your fault, it’s mine. We split because of me. Hell, if I could get away from myself I’d fucking do it in a heartbeat.” Saulk hated himself, but he was also pissed at Ayl. “I can’t stand to look at you. When we’re in the same room I want to jump out the nearest goddamn window.” He felt abandoned, and seeing his former lover made him feel like shit for being angry at him.

Aylwin blamed himself more than he blamed Saulk. That’d never been the problem. The problem was that he saw their child every time he looked at the other man’s face. As the other started going on about how everything was his fault, Aylwin just looked completely baffled. “Is that what you think?” he asked. “That I’ve been blaming you for everything?” Aylwin was bitter and angry, but he wasn’t angry at Saulk. “Quite the opposite, really.”

1. Shake it Out - Florence & the Machine // And I've been a fool and I've been blind, I can never leave the past behind 

2. If I Believe You - The 1975 // And I'm petrified of being alone now. It's pathetic, I know 

3. Youth - Daughter // Shadows settle on the place that you left. Our minds are troubled by the emptiness 

4. It's Alright - Mother Mother // I'm not okay, I got a baseball bat beside my bed to fight off what's inside my head 

5. Devil on my Shoulder - Faith Marie // Lost in a life full of mistakes, we do what feels right then fall with no grace

   “Of course not,” he exploded. The back of his fingers smacked into the palm of his other hand. All he wanted recently was peace, and what little he found lied at the bottom of a bottle. Saulk stepped back away from the omega. His hair fell from the loose tie. “It’s always about you,” he whispered softly a finger jabbed at Ayl’s chest. His eyes glanced around the dim room, then snatched a used bottle of whiskey off a shelf nearby. “You’re not getting attention, you’re going crazy, you’re lost, you feel lonely, you need someone right now.” Hands flailed and motioned and pointed as he spoke. The cap of the bottle was clumsily screwed off. It was warm in the bar, and a little more so in the stock room. The place was quieter than usual…the moments he didn’t yell. “My world doesn’t revolve around your needs anymore.” Saulk’s broad shoulders shrugged, hands up. His eyes rolled. “You saw about that.” The beta tipped the bottle up, and took a huge gulp.

    “Well, you have my attention now, Aylwin. What the fuck do you want?”

Aylwin was quiet as the other jabbed at him and fussed at him. This was humiliating, knowing the whole bar was likely listening in. As the other grabbed whiskey and began to drink, his nose wrinkled up in annoyance and he quickly grabbed it from the larger wolf’s hands -- setting it aside. “I have never once come to you out of loneliness before,” he stated. In fact, he’d pushed and pushed Saulk away until things broke. “You also act like you’ve ever asked anything from me! Like you didn’t stay in your own headspace too! Why is it all my fault?”

1. Willow - Jasmine Thompson // He and his wife once lived happily, planted a seed that grew through the reeds 

2. Howl - Florence And The Machine // Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart. Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart 

3. If You're Gone - Matchbox 20 // If you're gone, maybe it's time to come home. There's an awful lot of breathing room, but I can hardly move 

4. Happier - Marshmello ft. Bastille // Every argument, every word we can't take back 'cause with the all that has happened, I think that we both know the way that the story ends 

5. I Know Those Eyes / This Man Is Dead - Thomas Borchert & Brandi Burkhardt // I know that face, strange though it seems, younger and kinder, it haunts all my dreams 

6. Hymn for the Missing - Red // I hear you crying softly for the way it was before

   And that was the problem. Maybe Aylwin never really knew what he wanted? Maybe they were an indecisive adventure for the omega, still lost in uncertainty. Saulk took another step. His jaw cocked, and eyes narrowed while he moved closer. “Really? I’m not surprised you’d pull shit like this; use someone like that fucking fae as some kind of weapon to hurt me.” The wolf’s breathing was heavy, and he’s clearly upset. “Why? Looking at and speaking to you is torture. Hell, breathing the same air is suffocating.” How could one simultaneously love and hate another creature so much? “Are you trying to drive me crazy? Drive me out of the city?” Maybe he should leave…but he wouldn’t do it.

   They were barely an inch apart now. In a much softer, yet heated, tone he said, “Tell me what you want from me, and leave me in peace.” He couldn’t admit that looking at Ayl, hearing his voice, and smelling the scent that made his heart race hurt so much he could die. All he wanted was to be with the omega, but it seemed the reverse couldn’t be said. At least he didn’t feel it from Aylwin anymore. At least the ache of their lost pup was able to dull with time, where Ayl seemed determined to keep the sting of losing his lover fresh.

At one point in time, things had been so clear. Aylwin had been so happy for those years when they’d had their pup. He’d been close to his mate, close to their child, and then everything seemed like it was shattered in an instant. Unfortunately, putting the pieces back into place didn’t happen as instantaneously. “It was the only way you’d look at me!” he exclaimed. It drove him insane thinking the other didn’t care. “You think you’re the only one going crazy? I’m still so lost after all this time.” And Saulk was still a constant.

   A heavy sigh heaved from his chest when the doorway was blocked. He stood there for only a moment, stared forward, before he dropped the crate. The wooden box landed on the floor beside his feet. Glass clanked and shattered and rattled from the impact of the sudden fall. Saulk’s hands jutted forward toward Ayl’s chest to shove the omega into the room through the open doorway. “What do you want?” he shouted. “Huh?” He stared at his former lover, face redder than usual while he took a step forward. Saulk was completely oblivious to his surroundings in the moment. “What the fuck do you want from me, Aylwin?”

Aylwin winced as the box fell to the ground and glass shattered. He hadn’t expected that response. He didn’t know what he expected. Being around the other wolf shook him to his core, but he’d come here anyways. The usually graceful wolf stumbled back and over himself, almost falling, as he was shoved into the other room. Maybe it was wrong, but he was happy to have finally gotten some reaction from the other.

Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to answer the other’s question.

“I don’t know,” he responded, looking deflated. “I hate how you sit there and ignore me though. I just...can’t believe you actually told me to go to Tristan.”

“No you came here to yell at me I suppose. For things that really aren’t your business.” he said with a little shrug as the wolf pulled away and turned his back to the faerie. “Well have yourself a nice day, though I didn’t mean to upset you even more, my point simply was. You’re always upset. Maybe come back when you are in the mood to have fun.”

“I’m not having this discussion. You can’t say you don’t want to upset me and then mentions that, you devious fuckhead,” he snapped. “Well, you’re right. I’m never in the mood to have fun, so I’ll make sure not to burden you with my presence again.” 

“Nah, if they come in here, then their stuff is your stuff. I have some impulse control.” He folded his arms, a bit annoyed at the thought of him being completely reckless. “Well, yea, but that’s not going on all the time, right? If it was, i wouldn’t be in here right now.”

Aylwin still didn’t understand this situation. Last time, he’d been fussing at the wolf for trying to take things -- who got extremely defensive. And now that defensive wolf was in his shop, begging for a job. “Why do you want a job here?”

   He knew what Aylwin was doing, and he’d be damned if he showed how bad the omega’s words got under his skin. Saulk’s jaw set and clenched to keep from speaking, and he focused on deep breaths to fend off a growl. The bottles that were left in the wooden crate could wait until later, when he wasn’t so distracted. “Then don’t keep him waiting.” He lifted the box under his right arm, and moved down the bar to the door that led to a small stock room. Saulk needed to leave the buffer of the counter between them to walk the several feet to the doorway.

Aylwin wasn’t prone to temper tantrums. Well, with most people he wasn’t. It seemed that Saulk was the only one whose ignoring him really got under his skin. As the other moved towards the doorway, Aylwin was quick to move in front of it -- nearly knocking the bar stool over in the process. “How long are you going to pretend I don’t exist?” he asked, trying to not raise his voice. Oh. People were definitely staring.

“You’re the one in my house Aylwin. Came in unannounced too, I don’t recall welcoming you in here. So you really need to rethink who you are going to lecture about manners when you so clearly lack them.” the faerie laughed and squeezed again even though his wrist was being held by the uptight wolf. “You never smile. Don’t act like you do. If I didn’t know better I would think you were a changeling. But I know it’s just because you’ve lived through such a deep and unending sadness. I couldn’t imagine going through what you did. And it bleeds into everything doesn’t it?”

“I didn’t come here to be molested,” he protested. As the other started talking about his past, a low growl left his throat. If there was one thing the wolf never talked about, it was that. And especially since he doubted Tristan was bringing it up out of any real concern for him. He quickly moved away from the fae and turned his back to him. “I’ll see myself out.”