PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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@emptiness-inside-ourheads

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Maybe weâll meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic, and Iâll be right for you and youâll be right for me. But right now, I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart.
i stopped being able to sleep at night because nights are so much like you. dark and unpredictable and seemingly endless. night aren't pretty, yet they are beautiful all in the same time. there's so much danger, so much pain and so many possibilities. nights are raw and honest. painfully sweet and excruciatingly lonely. but nights without you have become a meaningless shell of what could be. i spend most of them drunk on the thought of holding your hand. dreaming of you. but i'm afraid of closing my eyes because i fear that you'll be gone, even from my memories. so i cherish them and watch the sun come up and listen to the birds sing their careless songs. i can rest now. the sun will watch you now. be good. i love you.
i just want to be able to breath without the pain in my stomach and lump in my throat. i want to be able to feel the sun shine on my skin and not shiver from the touch. i want to be able to sleep without the medication. i want to be able to love without the consequences.
i want to be able to be with you without losing myself.

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i wanted to hate you for all the things you did to me, but i couldn't help making endless excuses, without expecting you to apologize. maybe you never will. you are too consumed in your own pain to understand mine. and i am okay with that. i just wish you would let me do whatever i can to ease that pain and make you able to breathe. i want to be your friend, your lover, your medicine. i want to feel you holding on to me desperately, while i hold you at night. i'm not going anywhere. i'm not going anywhere. i'm here. i'm here for you. and i'll always be here, even if you don't want me to. i stayed up with you so many nights. you let me see you in your most vulnerable. you let me see you when you were in pain. you let me in and you said you loved me. and i love you. god, i love you so much i didn't think it was humanly possible to feel this strongly. what did you do to me? where do i go from here? please, don't leave. please hold onto this mundane world with all its madness, just one day at a time. i promise it will be worth it. i promise we'll find a way. i promise i'll be here.
thinking about losing you feels like air being ripped from my lungs. you were never really mine, but you let me love you and i'm forever grateful for that. you are a wonderful, exhilirating person and i am glad i got to experience a world that had you in it. i wish i could take away your pain and help you sleep at night, but you're not here so i can't sleep either. the sleepless nights when i got to hold you while you slept were the best nights of my life and i wished they went on forever. you're a beautiful soul. yet you're destined for a life in pain and all i can do is watch it consume you, while it kills me in the meantime. thank you for letting me love you and thank you for loving me back. i am ready to face whatever comes from now, because you showed me what strength really looks like. please be safe. please be strong. i am here. i am coming back. please wait.
please, stay. even if not in my world, i want you to find reason to stay in this world. you are the most special person i have ever met and i don't think the world could handle your loss.
annak a pohĂĄrnak szentimentĂĄlis Ă©rtĂ©ke voltâ â mondtad a szilĂĄnkokat bĂĄmulva Ă©n pedig soha nem kĂ©rdeztem, mi Ășgy Ă©reztem nem ĂĄll jogomban tudni â elvĂ©gre Ă©n törtem el, mikor az ablakot prĂłbĂĄltam becsukni anĂ©lkĂŒl hogy felköltselek utĂĄna az Ă©jszaka hĂĄtralevĆ rĂ©szĂ©n nedves matracon aludtam az ĂŒvegdarabok mellett âinkĂĄbb Ă©n, mint teâ, gondoltam akkor is aztĂĄn mĂĄsnap reggel mindketten a törött poharat bĂĄmultuk miközben szĂłtlanul hamuztunk bele felvĂĄltva tudod, sokat gondolkodtam a bontatlan doboz Ăłvszeren amit az asztalodon lĂĄttam velem soha nem hasznĂĄltĂĄl, szĂłval vajon kivel meg amĂșgyis, annyi minden van amit nem tudok rĂłlad, mert mindig fĂ©ltem megkĂ©rdezni vagy talĂĄn azt sincs jogomban tudni Ă©s most mĂĄr hiĂĄba is prĂłbĂĄlnĂĄm megfogalmazni, mert minden kĂ©rdĂ©s szavatossĂĄgĂĄt vesztette mint a polc hĂĄtuljĂĄban felejtett tonhalkonzerv de azĂ©rt mĂ©g mindig szeretnĂ©m tudni a törtĂ©netĂ©t a cigarettacsikk nyomoknak a kezeden a sötĂ©t foltoknak a szemed körĂŒl azt, hogy miĂ©rt volt rossz napod akkor amikor elĆször megismertĂ©l Ă©s hogy ki az a lĂĄny melletted aki elfelejttette veled a nevemet ha mĂĄr soha többet nem lĂĄtlak meztelenĂŒl tudni akarom Ă©n hagytam-e szentimentĂĄlis nyomot benned hogy megtartottad-e az összetört poharat Ă©s eszedbe jutok-e hĂłnapokkal kĂ©sĆbb amikor ĂŒvegszilĂĄnkot talĂĄlsz az ĂĄgyad mögött.
szilĂĄnkok

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I donât know what we are. Weâre not friends and weâre not lovers but when youâre looking at me like that and your hands are in my hair, I think maybe, maybe, this is something more. I donât know what we are. I never knew how to tell the difference between you and youâre and how to tie my shoe laces until I was 13. Maybe thatâs why I ended up with bloody knees a lot when I was a kid. But Iâm not a kid anymore and my knees are still bloody and my mouth is still slipping out âsorryâsâ like water every time my mom catches me stumbling through the door at 2 in the morning drunk and vodka pouring out of my pores like perfume. We arenât friends and we arenât lovers but when youâre holding me and my face is in your chest, I swear I feel the world. Youâre everywhere. In my chest, in my lungs, in my veins, in the way I drink my morning coffee, every fucking where. So maybe we arenât lovers, but weâre something and that has to count for something even if you never call me back.
I really have to stop wishing for you to call back
rendet teszek a fejemben
kidobom az ottfelejtett megbĂĄnĂĄsokat
Ă©s a maradĂ©k önbecsĂŒlĂ©semet is -
Ășgysem veszem mĂĄr hasznĂĄt, csak a sarokba hajĂtva penĂ©szedik egy ideje;
ĂĄthĂșzom az ĂĄgynemƱmet,
a rĂ©git összecsomagolom, hiszen Ășgysem lehet kitisztĂtani belĆle
a bor- és bƱntudatfoltokat;
megvĂĄlok attĂłl a fĂ©l pĂĄr szerelemtĆl is,
amely a szĆnyeg alĂĄ seperve vĂĄrta eddig, hogy hĂĄtha megkerĂŒl a mĂĄsik fele -
Ășgyse fog.
talĂĄn majd egy nap elpostĂĄzza egy rĂ©g elfeledett ismerĆs
aki rĂĄakadt lomtalanĂtĂĄskor,
de én nem vårok tovåbb.
közben szellĆztetek,
mert ĂĄthatĂł melankĂłliaszag van idebent
és mår a szomszédok is panaszkodtak,
hogy belengi az Ć nappalijukat is
- pedig én mår annyira hozzåszoktam,
hogy fel se tƱnik egy ideje.
valójåban mindig attól féltem,
hogy ha elkezdek megvålni a fölösleges dolgaimtól,
semmi sem marad majd -
talån költözni kéne
vagy venni egy papagĂĄjt
hogy ne csak a fĂŒlsĂŒketĂtĆ gondolatok
visszhangozzanak az ĂŒressĂ© vĂĄlt falak között.
- lomtalanĂtĂĄs
JĂĄtsszunk vetkĆzĆs pĂłkert. A vesztes levesz egy rĂ©teget, egyszerƱ, igaz? A mosolyommal kezdem, Ășgyis kĂ©nyelmetlen volt (egĂ©sz nap hordtam) Te jössz Ă©s egybĆl ledobod a legnehezebbet â a hazugsĂĄgok tompĂĄn puffannak a földön. Egy ideig Ășgy tƱnik, te gyĆzöl, de vĂ©gĂŒl ismĂ©t neked kell vetkĆznöd Ă©s vonakodva bĂșjsz ki a komfotzĂłnĂĄdbĂłl. EzutĂĄn Ă©n tolom le magamrĂłl a bĂŒszkesĂ©gem, de a szemed sem rebben tĆle â elvĂ©gre lĂĄttĂĄl mĂĄr nĂ©lkĂŒle jĂł nĂ©hĂĄnyszor. AztĂĄn lassan mindketten megszabadulunk a sĂ©rtettsĂ©geinktĆl Ă©s egy idĆ utĂĄn a gĂĄtlĂĄsaink is csatlakoznak a halomhoz. MeztelenĂŒl ĂĄllok elĆtted Ă©s kiszolgĂĄltatottan vĂĄrom az ĂtĂ©letet. Csend van. FĂĄzom az elvĂĄrĂĄsaim nĂ©lkĂŒl. Azt hiszem ideje menned. Vagy maradhatsz.
"But for the tiny spark of hope in my heart, for the foolish grin on my face when I walk down the street and talk to you, for the fragments of joy in a boring day, the plans and dreams of a better future... I try. I try even if it means trying to hold a collapsing building together, all alone, while you sit and watch. And I will continue to try until it collapses upon me and I'll be covered with the ruins, left with no choice but to let go of the dust under my fingertips. And then, I'll wish you one last thing: to fall in love. To experience unconditional, pure love, at least once in your life. And I won't beg you to let me be it, because I will see that I cannot force love. But I will ask you to think of me when you finally do. Not with pity, or regret, though - just emphaty. I want you to understand why I was doing what I did and why I kept asking for more. Why I was willing to move mountains for you and why I got upset when you couldn't be bothered to lift a stone. That's all I'm asking for. Not to come back, not to apologize. Just please, I need you to understand. Someday, when you will be ready."
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