Crooked young

i stopped being able to sleep at night because nights are so much like you. dark and unpredictable and seemingly endless. night aren't pretty, yet they are beautiful all in the same time. there's so much danger, so much pain and so many possibilities. nights are raw and honest. painfully sweet and excruciatingly lonely. but nights without you have become a meaningless shell of what could be. i spend most of them drunk on the thought of holding your hand. dreaming of you. but i'm afraid of closing my eyes because i fear that you'll be gone, even from my memories. so i cherish them and watch the sun come up and listen to the birds sing their careless songs. i can rest now. the sun will watch you now. be good. i love you.

i wanted to hate you for all the things you did to me, but i couldn't help making endless excuses, without expecting you to apologize. maybe you never will. you are too consumed in your own pain to understand mine. and i am okay with that. i just wish you would let me do whatever i can to ease that pain and make you able to breathe. i want to be your friend, your lover, your medicine. i want to feel you holding on to me desperately, while i hold you at night. i'm not going anywhere. i'm not going anywhere. i'm here. i'm here for you. and i'll always be here, even if you don't want me to. i stayed up with you so many nights. you let me see you in your most vulnerable. you let me see you when you were in pain. you let me in and you said you loved me. and i love you. god, i love you so much i didn't think it was humanly possible to feel this strongly. what did you do to me? where do i go from here? please, don't leave. please hold onto this mundane world with all its madness, just one day at a time. i promise it will be worth it. i promise we'll find a way. i promise i'll be here.

thinking about losing you feels like air being ripped from my lungs. you were never really mine, but you let me love you and i'm forever grateful for that. you are a wonderful, exhilirating person and i am glad i got to experience a world that had you in it. i wish i could take away your pain and help you sleep at night, but you're not here so i can't sleep either. the sleepless nights when i got to hold you while you slept were the best nights of my life and i wished they went on forever. you're a beautiful soul. yet you're destined for a life in pain and all i can do is watch it consume you, while it kills me in the meantime. thank you for letting me love you and thank you for loving me back. i am ready to face whatever comes from now, because you showed me what strength really looks like. please be safe. please be strong. i am here. i am coming back. please wait.

please, stay. even if not in my world, i want you to find reason to stay in this world. you are the most special person i have ever met and i don't think the world could handle your loss.

Játsszunk vetkőzős pókert. A vesztes levesz egy réteget, egyszerű, igaz? A mosolyommal kezdem, úgyis kényelmetlen volt (egész nap hordtam) Te jössz és egyből ledobod a legnehezebbet – a hazugságok tompán puffannak a földön. Egy ideig úgy tűnik, te győzöl, de végül ismét neked kell vetkőznöd és vonakodva bújsz ki a komfotzónádból. Ezután én tolom le magamról a büszkeségem, de a szemed sem rebben tőle – elvégre láttál már nélküle jó néhányszor. Aztán lassan mindketten megszabadulunk a sértettségeinktől és egy idő után a gátlásaink is csatlakoznak a halomhoz. Meztelenül állok előtted és kiszolgáltatottan várom az ítéletet. Csend van. Fázom az elvárásaim nélkül. Azt hiszem ideje menned. Vagy maradhatsz.