I unblocked your account today because you never tried to reach out since I decided to back off anyway

You show up on my dash randomly and I am just on the outside looking in on your life now

I walk past your home area about 5 times a week and it hasn't gotten any easier

I want to see you but I know myself enough to acknowledge it would be more than I could handle

I am sorry I didn't give more of an explanationI guess it just shocked me too much that it came to that

I really hope you are doing alright

But it has been getting harder to pretend I don't miss you

So this is all this text is

Because telling you wouldn't help

and i guess i always liked to play with fire

maybe i am addicted to the things that hurt me, and that explains why i always feel the need to run back to you

and see how you’re doing

i have learned by now how physically sick it makes me when my mind is unwell

when my heart is unwell

and right now all i’m asking is how to erase something from my mind

like how you said you moved in together

and how i have to go to bed and try not to think about her body next to yours

about how she gets to see what you look like in your sleep

your hands on her body

you with someone else

who would turn their life upside down if i asked them to just to have a chance

i look at him, and wonder why could you not even

try.

i look at him and ask myself, if he loves me in the way i love you

does that mean you just weren’t ready?

does that mean you did not love me enough?

does that mean you would rather spend the rest of your life without me and not fight for it at all?

do you walk away when you love someone as much as you claimed?

is that all there is to that love?

then there’s days when i cannot breathe when i think of you

and it’s like you had only just called it quits last night instead of almost a year ago

and the amount of tears i shed leave me wondering if it is ever going to get any easier;

but right now i miss you like hell.

right now it hurts as if it were last night when you made that decision;

right now i cannot breathe, i cannot stay sober, i cannot keep my hands from shaking at the thought of you,

and somehow no matter how drunk i am, i only text my friends saying how bad i miss you. because texting you is pointless you know

texting you is getting answers back asking why i care so much

it is “you miss me but i am here” when you are not

and you have not been for the past year

and maybe i should be ok with it, but i’m not

Or keep myself busy,

Talk to other people instead of u,

Telling them ab my day

Pretending my heart doesn’t sink because it’s not you asking how it’s been;

I really don’t want to ever love somebody again if it’s not you.

I miss you all the freaking time sorry

i miss you and there are so many things i wish i could talk to you about

like how i miss hearing you’re proud of me

and about your day

and telling you about mine

i miss your voice on the phone and feeling like you actually gave a damn

cause all i feel right now is my heart breaking and i cannot stop wondering how do you leave someone so easily when you said you wanted to spend your whole life with them

and why could you not even