aNa

fasted from 10pm Sunday night through to 6am this morning, drank water (not enough, I'll fix that next time), skimmed milk, coffee, zero sugar lucozade and zero sugar sparkling fruit water, consumed 238 calories

Yesterday morning I weighed in at exactly 105 lbs, today I weighed in at 103.6lbs...once again, I can't argue with results!

I was starving hungry yesterday morning when I woke up, like literally my stomach was growling lol which doesn't usually happen, it's like my body knew it wasn't getting any actual food for the day and was protesting in advance lol I soon stopped it with fluids though!

On the whole I found yesterday pretty easy, I did a bit more than the last fast, went out to get the shopping in, picked my mum up to bring her to mine for the afternoon, then took her home and showered her, the only glitch was my 6 year old refusing to sleep, which made it a late night, hence a bit groggy this morning, but again, better than after my last fast, and I made sure I had a mid morning snack to help perk me up

I've had 978 calories today, happy with that after a fast, and did lots of housework including cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, vacuuming, and got the kids out in the garden for a bit. Bought myself a fitness watch, it says I've done 17031 steps today, walked 12.3km, and burnt an extra 478 calories...nit bad considering I've only been at home all day!

Gym tomorrow, then shopping again (3 young kids on school holiday consume a lot of food lol), then taking my 5 year old to the hospital for an eye test, then showering my mum, and in between all that I've got to do all the daily housework and make sandwiches for going out on Thursday-hoping to take the kids to the zoo

Next liquid fast will be on Friday, after allowing some extra calories on Thursday's day out, not expecting a weight loss tomorrow due to not having a BM today...

down to 105.2lbs today so happy with that... but not been feeling great today, struggling to sleep ATM so I'm super tired on top of being just constantly tired 😴 I did manage to get to the gym today... didn't push as hard as I wanted to on the treadmill cos I just didn't have it in me...did push myself for the rest of the workout and burnt just over 500 calories

Took the kids to the park with their bikes/scooters and a picnic...i stuck to my safe foods, so I have eaten more today as planned, 1589 to be exact lol but I didn't touch any of their yummy treats so proud of myself, and my fast starts at 10pm tonight, through to 6am Tuesday morning, it's a liquid fast again, so water, milk, coffee, lucozade and sparkling fruit water, all low calorie/sugar free of course, will try to keep it to 250 Cal max again, but if I start to feel bad I'll allow an extra glass of milk to keep me going

Also planning on having my go ahead bar AS SOON as I wake up on Tuesday morning, as in, have it on my bedside table lol and make sure I have a small mid morning snack on Tuesday to help me recover

Expecting a weight gain tomorrow morning due to it being a higher calorie day...but this fast (which has just started while I'm typing lol) should undo the damage and then some!

Been really emotional today, I want this to stop, I actually can't wait for this to be over, driving to the gym I kept telling myself that I didn't have to go...it was my choice...but...i had to go...i couldn't stop myself...the disorder inside of me didn't give me the choice...all day I've been telling myself that I don't have to do this!!! But I do...right now...i actually do HAVE to do this...it makes me so sad

so I fasted from about 9pm on Thursday night all the way through till 7am this morning! But I felt awful this morning, really struggled to get up and do what was needed for the kids, was really grumpy... have gradually felt better throughout the day though... but I pretty much decided that I couldn't fast again on Tuesday due to having important things to do on Wednesday, one of which is taking my son to the hospital for an eye test... was really depressed about that... then I remembered... MONDAY!!! We're not doing much on Mondays, the kids dad comes over in the afternoon and we're either taking the kids to see my mum, or I'm bringing her here to get her out, then I'll shower her in the evening... there's nothing stopping me from fasting on Monday! Then recovering on Tuesday, so I'm ready for a busy Wednesday (including going to the gym!) I'm so happy I realised that!

So, liquid fast again on Monday, which is perfect as we're taking the kids out tomorrow with picnic bits, so will be a slightly higher calorie day, I'll hopefully undo any damage! And I have to say, the fast did work! Down to 106lbs this morning! You can't argue with results!!! Taking the kids out on Thursday, so will fast again next Friday to undo the damage from that...this is working out perfectly 😁

Calories today 980

so I'm doing it, started officially at 11:00pm last night, though I finished eating by about 9/9:30 (I have a bit of a fruit binge in the evening usually, stops me going to bed hungry), and today I've only had liquids, water, coffee, milk (3 glasses of skimmed milk cos I need something to keep me going while running around after the kids), a bottle of zero sugar lucozade, and a bottle of zero sugar summer fruits sparkling water, calories 240

Was feeling really good throughout the day, I vacuumed which wore me out a bit, but it is a big job, got to pick all the kids toys up, move the dining chairs etc, it takes half an hour just to get the living room ready lol then I've got to put it all back and set their toys up ready for them to play, but I got it done, did all my regular housework, and got the kids out in the garden...all great, even thought that my next fast I could do without the 3 glasses of milk...

Then the kids bedtime came...i did feel really rough for a while...but I haven't broken my fast...once I got them all off to sleep I had a decaf coffee and some more sparkling water and I'm feeling a bit better now, so proud of myself for not caving in

My next fast on Tuesday I will stick with having the milk though, I do have to keep going throughout the day, and it is full on by myself with 3 young kids on their summer holiday!

so yesterday went really well, the kids had a great time! They love going to the beach ⛱️ for me it was hard work, but worth it to see them happy and enjoying themselves 😄

Food wise, I was really pleased with myself, I ate just under 1800 calories, which is a lot! But it was all "my food", healthy and needed, it was so hot there, and as I said, beach trips are a lot of hard work for me (I go with their dad, but he's useless, I do all the heavy lifting, including loading/unloading the car, packing everything, driving, setting everything up when we're there, packing it all up when we're finished, sorting it all out when we're home, sorting the kids out when on the beach (getting them changed/suncream/dishing out constant snacks/taking them in the water) and bathing them when we're home), so the extra calories were definitely warranted!

But...i woke up today weighing 108.2!!! I gained weight 😭 it's so unfair, I was feeling good about my choices, and happy that I gave the kids a great day out without binging on any of their snacks...and for what!? To wake up a fat pig anyway!!!

So what am I going to do about it...? Give up and binge properly? Try to just eat like a "normal person"? Get help and try to recover? HELL NO!!!

Went to the gym this morning, burnt about 500 calories, eaten 1073 calories.... and.... planning a cheeky little liquid fast tomorrow 😉 I'm allowing water, skimmed milk, coffee and some sugar free very low calorie drinks, Will keep it to under 250 calories, even with the milk, and if it goes well I'll do it every Friday and Tuesday (those are the days the kids dad doesn't come over, so I don't/can't do as much as other days... hopefully that means I won't pass out...)

Actually feeling super excited about doing it, I know it's not a proper fast, but it'll be the first one I've tried in years...and hopefully fasting a couple of days a week will undo the damage from eating more on the big days out with the kids...sort of balance the week...here's hoping!

106 today... wasn't expecting that, thought I was done losing the water weight from the holiday, but apparently not, very happy with it of course, but expecting to gain tomorrow, cos 1) nothing is ever this easy for me 🤣 and 2) today was scrambled egg day, so higher calories, 1235 to be exact, BUT I did take a cheeky l4x last night, so have "been" a couple of times today, which is good

Beach day tomorrow (if the kids let me sleep tonight...they've been taking it in turns to keep me up all night...i am beyond shattered, and that makes me grumpy and ratty with them, and I really don't want to be, I want to be happy, singing mummy...so let me get some f*ck*Ng sleep!!!)

calories eaten 1045, weight this morning 107.2, so a 0.8 loss overnight, no gym but been busy, still feeling guilt/shame/disgust at gaining so much weight in one week on holiday

weighed in at 108 exactly this morning! That's 6lbs of the disgusting holiday weight gone in a day (I said I hold a lot of water weight when I eat junk food!!!) happy with the loss, but majorly regretting eating so much while I was away 😓 I'd done so well, was so close to my gw, only 2lbs away! And my bones! I could see and feel them everywhere ☺️

Now I have 8lbs of fat and lard covering them 😢 BUT I am locked in! Went to the gym this morning, half an hour interval training on the treadmill (slower pace than usual as I hadn't been in over a week!) 10 minutes on the stairmaster, 10 minutes on the rowing machine, then 3 sets of crunches, butt raises (they're new, started doing them just before the holiday) planks and side planks, finished with stretches, burnt around 470 calories

Eaten 1003 calories, still allowing a couple of hundred extra calories for a few days while my stomach shrinks

No gym tomorrow, will go again on Thursday, planning a beach trip for the kids on Wednesday (have got myself a few "safe" snacks) thinking I'll drop my calories to about 800 on Thursday/Friday

so firstly, the kids had a great time! They loved it, didn't want to come home! And that is the important thing 😁

Last Friday (17th) I weighed in at 100lbs exactly, I was simultaneously happy and sad about that... happy that I'd managed to get that low...sad that I knew I was about to ruin it all...

I ate a LOT throughout the whole week away...i did eat a lot of healthy things, fruit and veg, and I went for a run, which I really enjoyed...but I also ate way too much junk...i knew about half way through the holiday that i had completely blown it...so just ate more and more 😢

I guessed that I had gained about 1 stone (14lbs) and when I weighed in this morning I was right 😓 BUT...i know about half of that will fall off very quickly (I get a lot of fluid retention when I eat junk) AND throughout the holiday I was actually craving what I call "my food" AND I've gone straight back to my food today, no hesitation about it! Which is good!

For the next few days I'll be eating around 1000 calories, while my stomach shrinks again, then I'll drop it to around 800 most days, I will eat a little more on days out with the kids cos I know I'll need to, but it'll all be "my food" and I'll have one proper meal a week (probably scrambled egg) to give me a boost

Planning on going to the gym tomorrow to do a "ease back into it" session

Today I've eaten 1022 calories

Weight: 114.2 lbs

The thing that's upset me the most is that I have slipped back into the "healthy weight" range...i CAN NOT be in that range...i MUST be in the underweight range...and I will be, in a matter of days!

scales today gave me a lovely surprise....100.8lbs!!! I've finally got under 101lbs! I'm so happy 😁 as the title says, that's a new low weight for this time around, I've weighed less in the past... love seeing only double digits/6 stone something, but not I've not been this low in years!!! But...

Going on holiday tomorrow...i know I'm going to gain weight...quite a bit... just wish I could enjoy this feeling for a little longer...I can see and feel my bones more...it brings me such comfort...I feel like "me" when I'm this sort of weight... I'm in control...I still don't like my body and my body dysmorphia is still rampant... but I find myself "acceptable" like this or lower...oh well... after this holiday at least I know I can get this low (and lower...) again

103.6lbs!!! Put on 2.6lbs from one f*CK*Ng meal!!! This is what I'm up against!!! The moment I even look at food that isn't on my safe list my weight rockets! I don't regret it...I promised myself that this time I WON'T let this get in the way of family life! I won't sit at my own child's birthday tea nursing 1 eighth of a cheese sandwich the whole time! I WILL join in, I WILL be part of it! I WON'T make my children's life events about me and my stupid eating disorder! But dear God I feel like crying... screaming... kicking a hole in the wall...

I won't though

I've got till Friday to shift that 2.6lbs...then it's holiday time! Where I will eat "normally" I WILL join in, I WON'T make their childhood about me 😭

daughters birthday yesterday, she had a great day, I ate far too much!!! I weighed in at 101lbs exactly yesterday morning, was happy with that... but then there was cake... and sandwiches... and crisps... and sausage rolls... and more cake... felt awful after... BUT... I've been good today! I haven't let one birthday tea turn into a weekend binge! I'm proud of that! Obviously didn't weigh in today... might tomorrow... might leave it till Monday...

Calories today: 742

had a higher calorie day yesterday, about 850 cals, I needed it! Finally had a decent BM, but weigh the same this morning 😔

Went to the gym today, 30 minutes interval training on the treadmill, 5 minutes on the climbing machine, 10 minutes on the rowing machine, then crunches, plank, side planks, I burn about 450 calories at the gym in the hour I'm there so not bad

I've somehow lost weight, down to 102.2lbs, yeah my calories have been good, but no BM since the other day, and I took two l4x4tives last night to help me go (not actually for weight loss, cos of this weird constipation thing me and my son have ATM), will try again tonight cos I'm feeling rather too full again!

Am still very tired, I know it's cos I've dropped my calorie intake, but there's stuff I've GOT to do, like keep 3 little kiddies alive, housework, shopping, cleaning, errands, showering and helping my mum...i'm going to have scrambled egg tomorrow to give myself a boost, I skipped it earlier in the week due to this constipation, but I can't keep feeling weak and dizzy...

Calories today: 652, very happy with that, calories tomorrow will be higher due to the scrambled egg, should be 848 in total for the day, so not terrible!