melodrama

don’t starters: still accepting :p

he broaches a touchy subject. she knows it from the way his burdens threaten to swallow him whole, hunched on his shoulders like a mass that is a part of him. she averts her eyes, feigning interest in some twinkling lights up ahead. she’s not one to bring up the subject of relatives, avidly avoids it if possible. there is a decision to be made: tell him what he wants to hear, or tell him the truth. she tends to coddle, wants to protect from the suffering and pain of it all, but now a days she’s come to learn that its normal and entirely unavoidable. 

“me neither,” saying it out loud doesn’t make it feel any realer. its been years without a semblance of a clue to guide her in the right direction. nothing but sheer hope drives her to continue searching for her lost brother. sometimes it wanes, snuffed out like a candle light before reigniting. if she did not live for him then she had no reason to. regardless, she was alone, has been for all this time, and should at least acknowledge that. “its not very fun, sometimes.” 

life’s a beautiful thing to experience when you get to share it with the people you love the most. undoubtedly, minnie’s place in hyemi’s heart is and has always been as secure as it could be and though often going long periods of time with no contact, the genuine affection tying them together seems not to waver with time and distance put in between the girls. hyemi considers this to be a testimony to their bond and hopes for it to stay this way in the future.

but the future is a fragile thing and people have proven to be even more fickle. it’s what keeps her realistic, for the most part, whenever she forgets the situation she’s in or the moments of fear where compromise seem to be nothing but bitter medicine to swallow.

“you know you don’t have to figure out everything or understand all from the get-go. where would be the fun if we didn’t get to do a bit of exploring?” she tries to be encouraging because she understands minnie’s path hasn’t been easy: for the girl with the stubborn hair and the smile that’s too much teeth and child at the same time. it might never be enough but what kind of person would she be, if she didn’t try for someone she loves?

when minnie speaks up again, it sparks concern inside of the older girl. in spite of the lighthearted tone the younger uses to describe her ordeal, hyemi fears she senses more than just the desire for an idle chat lurking in the other’s words. and though minnie’s always been like that, speaking in riddles and baring herself to the world, this kind of concern seems almost overpowering in comparison to every other emotion flooding her.

and yet, concern’s an emotion that’s best kept behind locked bars.

“don’t you think you’re selling yourself short?” coating her worried tone comes all too easily to hyemi and it makes her wonder how much of herself still is the same old girl that minnie met all this time ago. “i’ll be okay if you promise to think of me. i’d hate to think you’d forget about me if i didn’t get to visit you regularly. can you promise me to do that?” wrapping her arm around the narrow shoulder of minnie comes as almost a reflex, the warmth now seeming lackluster in comparison to the younger’s heartwarming attitude.

“you’re right,” she mumbles thoughtfully. hyemi often is, though minnie is sure that she knew that already. “were you like this when you tried finding your answers? or are you still searching for them, like me?” she’s held the older one in an impossibly high standard in the past, fawning and admiring, creating this false image that transcended who hyemi was in all her broken valor. minnie told herself that she’d always love hyemi, scars and all, and always will. 

“you’re always in my thoughts.” she adjusts herself so that they were comfortable like this, innocent flesh perfectly curved a niche where she fit. in it she feels the release of an aura unnamed, something lost within her years of helpless searching. it was something warm, something new. she flutters her eyes closed and lets the feeling envelope her for a moment, because she knew this would be transient and hard to come by again. she allows herself to be selfish, taking all the love hyemi has to give, tucking it away somewhere where the darkness could never reach it. 

normal has warped its meaning into something sinister, something sentient with malevolence deeply rooted. in her world, people are either trying to capture her or trying to kill her. normal is being on the run for three years. normal is not having a place to sleep. normal is being alone. its hard to discern what is the general concept of the word as of lately. she’s observed it to be uncomfortable conversations with forgettable acquaintances, hot meals shared with others, and having a god damn good nights rest under a roof. the details are lost in her envy, bright green and red hot. 

she’s come to learn that those who others perceive as perfectly normal tend to be the ones hiding the most secrets. behind their empty smiles lumbers a deep, opaque shadow with its gnarled fingers wrapped around their throats, actions and words dictated through its raspy commands. normal coincides with what they so desperately try to sweep under the rug: lies, abuse, death, pain, adultery, debt, the whole spectrum of the seven sins and beyond. 

she knew better than to trust someone normal. 

baekhyun, however, carried this air of genuine hope that diminished any growing sins on his shoulders. it was nearly indecipherable, save for when the sunset hit it just right. the bright look on his face softens her heart, lets her think that maybe today she can afford to be normal with him, no matter how transient the moment may be. 

bloodied knuckles | tear stained cheeks | rust | a busted lip | claws | fangs | a bloody nose | chattering teeth | a dark space underneath the bed | scratching noises on a wall |creaking metal | fog | dancing under moonlight | blood dripping lips | heavy breathing in the dark | a feeling of unexplained dread | a figure in a dark corner | dirty peeling wallpaper | a bloody handprint on the wall | sobbing in the dark | bite marks on the skin| eerie whispers | a hood covering a stranger’s eyes | the growl of a hidden animal | the sound of a blade being sharpened | a deep, dark forest | walking on the streets alone at night | a cobweb-filled, abandoned building | eyes darting in paranoia | a heavy beating pulse | the feeling of being trapped | struggling to get out a scream | boards covering broken windows | a quiet graveyard | a gas station in the middle of nowhere | a road that never ends | heavy fog rolling in | the scent of blood in the air | eerie old photographs | walking along train tracks at night | a chill going up the spine | gathering crows | a dusty, dimly lit study | mist over a deserted cobblestone street | ghost towns | shadows around a campfire | the sound of chanting | church bells tolling | an orange harvest moon | a broken down carnival | a dirty stuffed animal abandoned | wiping bloody hands on fabric | nightmares | waking up in a panic | a power outage | heavy lightning storms | a secret trap door | the feeling of being watched | fear from trauma | an ouija board set out on a table | an eerie doll | a scream of anguish and pain | withered plants | a room that’s been forgotten and gathered dust | owl eyes in the dark | curled, dead tree branches | a ritual altar | flickering candles | a lantern held up in the dark | fear of being followed | creaking floorboards | repressed, horrible memories | clenched teeth | soft, echoing piano keys | an old book covered in dust | many pairs of glaring eyes |stumbling in pitch black darkness | being stranded in the middle of nowhere | tarot cards on a table | a trail of blood

Talk about: no longer accepting

her pride was her downfall, really. cliche but true. 

it burns at the pit of her stomach, like bile bubbling to her mouth. disgust was prominent, too. she doesn’t deserve it. to be alive, that is. she should have died years ago, along with the rest of her family. but she remains, tied to the earth with her rotting flesh and charred bones. her soul, despite how restless, is still present. no, she had no right to be proud of still being alive. because she knew, without a doubt, that she should be dead. 

and perhaps it was that assurance that maybe, she felt a sliver of proudness. there were many moments when life slipped from her hands, and she thought: ah, yes. its time. but it never comes. she knows it won’t, not when it won’t allow it to. 

but she’d like to think that she had a place in her savings, a decisive moment when her resolve would flare back to life, slipping out of release and back into dreary existence. because despite what she attempts to convince otherwise, she had much to live for. 

she thinks back to shared blankets as dawn kissed the cityscape, of gentle hands that wipe away her tears, of the brother who was looking for her just as much as she was looking for him. 

sometimes, she disappears for days only. other times it’s weeks and the worst she’s been off the radar so far, was months at a time. minnie never receives a notice beforehand and is always left behind to wonder where hyemi’s gone to this time. and yet, she always makes sure to keep true to her word and show up again, regardless of how long it takes for her to do so. how much energy it takes out of the girl to not turn herself into a liar. some truths are bloody and cutting but hyemi’s doing her best to keep her hands clean for minnie. 

“it’s okay to cry, i do that too.” it’s meant to sound reassuring but her tone doesn’t go well with the smile on her face and it reminds her that lying still comes much easier to her. like hurting others does, like deceiving and scamming. why it’s different with the girl sitting by her side, with the girl who’s beaming at hyemi like she’s got stars caught between her eyelashes and gold on her cheeks is very much beyond the lighthaired woman. but if this is what appreciation and unconditional love feels like, then maybe it’s harder to let go of.

“if you’ve grown older while i was away, then would you tell me what it feels like?” because growing up for hyemi has always meant molding herself to fit into whatever tiny space circumstances had to offer. because she doesn’t remember the taste of innocence and childhood and a time that should be filled with memories when her mind’s a blank space.

the desire to reach forward and wrap her fingers around those of the other is scalding her skin but hyemi doesn’t pull away and her smile doesn’t cease. it gets a little wider as though she has to prove a point; there’s no use in relenting when it comes to certain people, to certain situations and minnie is more than deserving of every little effort she can make. “i do. i feel a little lighter too. you’re a very smart girl.”

she’s sure if others were to see them, they’d label them as peculiar. call them names and shove them into spaces they aren’t supposed to fit in but that’s life and hyemi has learned how to shield her heart and mind from such crude remarks. sometimes, she forgets that it doesn’t have to be like this all the time.

and that minnie is fully capable of holding herself up, as well.

every hello was warm and colored with love, disguised more as i missed you than a mere greeting. she never says goodbye because she never knows when hyemi will leave, but is certain that she’ll always return. like her cat used to do. 

“i think now, i’ve cried all my tears. i’m a little bit empty. don’t really want to cry anymore, either. its hard to figure out how i feel, always has been. to put it in words, its like i feel everything so much that in the end it comes out as nothing. i’m not sad anymore. not happy. but i get the feeling that you know exactly what i’m talking about. you always do. and that makes me feel a little better.” not that misery liked it company, more so in the fact that what she was feeling should be deemed as normal, and the closer to normal she gets the closer she gets to her brother. 

whats it feel like? being older? she couldn’t say for sure. it takes her a moment to really think about it. these days everything blurs into one stretched moment, the (rare) highs and the (constant) lows, oh how deep they go, down, down, down to the depths of hell. 

“doesn’t feel all that great, i guess. it feels like pieces of me are being taken away. one second i will be in the moment and the next time will have jumped and i’m elsewhere, alone, or with someone else, i don’t know. feels like something attached itself to me. is sucking me dry. i never had much to begin with though.” it happens more and more often than she’d like to admit. one day she will be skirting around Yeorum, next she is in a stranger’s house. 

‘where am i?’ she asks. 

‘what do you mean? i took you back here because you needed a place to stay. are you okay? you were acting fine a few moments ago...’ 

@lostambition

it’s the first day of a new month and there’s still only one name on everyone’s lips: park jinah. it doesn’t help that her smiling face is plastered throughout campus– all thanks to her friends who were doing their best to make sure she isn’t forgotten. it’s one of these posters that greets lucy as she walked to the library that morning, the faded piece of paper landing squarely on her face,  while the others get carried of by the sudden gust of wind. 

it’s been an entire month, going on two, and the mystery of her disappearance has seemingly taken on a life of it’s own. spread through stories, theories, and kept alive by small bits of news from the police. but nothing is ever conclusive. nobody really knows what happened that unfortunate friday afternoon.

“they’re talking alien abduction now.” she pauses, couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it. “but i’ll still take that over minjun’s cursed vhs tape theory.” lucy closes the book she’s been absentmindedly flipping through with a dull thud, immediately eliciting a stern warning from the librarian who just happens to be walking past. she  apologizes with a sheepish smile, diverting her attention to the list of things she still needs to do. life continues on campus, after all, and exams are just around the corner. 

but the more she tries to focus, the more her thoughts seem to get pushed towards where it would rather not go. park jinah, one of the college’s top students. a quiet girl who was always nice to everyone. well, almost always. there was that one argument between her and the other girls in the dorm during their annual halloween party. lucy didn’t really catch much of it, save for snippets here and there. the junior girls were a little bit rowdier, more stubborn than everyone else, but people usually just shrugged it off.

lucy guesses that jinah was simply too stressed from school and exploded that evening. 

 “i think she’ll turn up somewhere sooner or later. probably needed a break or something– people do crazy things all the time, right?”

devastation isn’t enough to cover the range of absolute pain minha was going through. eternal despair, perhaps, but that is putting it rather lightly. she heard the news through the grapevine, sourced by the others from jinah’s very own roommate herself. she’s probably out with someone she met, is their reasoning. we’re in college. the world is different for us now. 

everything is different.

regardless, a heaviness lines her stomach, paired with this waterlogged feeling in her bones, that of dread for the upcoming news to come. all she could do was wait patiently for anything to pass through, though so far it has been few and far in between. the more the days stretch on, the more anxious she grows, and the more farther jinah becomes out of reach.

she expected the atmosphere around campus to be heavy, much like her own personal rain cloud hovering above her head. instead, it was more like a light electrical charge of something fun, something new. these girls would devour anything remotely scandalous, especially on a sleepy campus such as theirs. 

lucy is the first to elicit a true laugh out of her during these trying times. 

“minjun is full of shit,” she ducks her head lower into a book to avoid the stern gaze of a passing librarian at her vulgarities. “stole the whole plot from a shitty american independent film on netflix. with all the time that passed, you’d think she’d be capable of coming up with something a bit more clever. though the alien abduction is pretty plausible. i mean, why would someone just up and leave? she had a good life.” her face is instantly wiped from any amusement into something a bit more somber. “has, i mean. she has a good life.” 

putting it out into the universe might make it come true, and no one wants to say it but its all on the tip of their tongues.